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Old 03-02-2010, 09:14 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Originally Posted by bagomase View Post
...The point to this long, unnecessary story is a question I'd like to pose - why does it seem that monogamy and honesty together are becoming such a rare commodity? I have no problems with monogamy, and I could do it again if I wanted or needed to, but if there's one thing I would take away from having an open-relationship it would be that honesty and communication are what makes ANY relationship work. Why do so many marriages end in a divorce - overshadowed by an affair, a secret kept, or needs unfulfilled with what could have been rectified with a little honesty and communication? I don't really need you good folks to answer these for me, I just needed to get the remnants of an uncomfortable weekend off of my chest.
Honestly, I think monogamy and honesty together were always as rare as they are today, people just didn't talk about it. And the reason I think that honesty and monogamy frequently don't seem to go together is because it's easy to be dishonest with yourself and your partner in a monogamous relationship. In a poly relationship, dishonesty blows up on you far more often than in a monogamous one. It's easier to ignore your feelings or not ask for what you need or put up with bad behavior from a single partner than it is from multiples, and people usually like easy. I know that I would probably not be walking the difficult path of self-exploration quite as much as I am now if I didn't have multiple partners. I know for a fact that I allowed unhealthy situations to exist FAR longer in a mono-marriage than I could after we became poly. I know that I wasn't completely honest with myself about my feelings because I could just throw a temper tantrum and never address the real issues. Now I not only have to know that I'm upset, I have to know *why* I'm upset, and whether that's my issue or one I have to address with someone else, and what the ideal solution is, and what I can live with if everyone isn't okay with my ideal solution, and whether I'm being mature and logical, and blah blah blah. See how much easier a temper tantrum is? Sooo much easier to just go out and have an affair if needs aren't being met, than to sit down and figure out what those needs are, and whether they're really needs or just wants, and whether it's reasonable to ask for those needs/wants, and how can you get those needs/wants met in an ethical manner, and how will this affect your partner, and how will this affect your other partner, and how will this change your life, etc. etc.
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Old 03-14-2010, 06:23 PM
thunkybunny thunkybunny is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I think it has nothing to do with monogamy. I've known plenty of poly people who have been less than honest or disclosed after the fact. And I've known plenty of monogamous people who are direct and up front about everything that comes up.

In fact, I've noticed that there is a bigger difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships than there is between monogamous and polyamorous relationships. One style is not more inherently honest than the other.
Similar to my experience too -- an unhealthy and self-identifying as "poly" couple disclosing after the fact. Conflict avoidance + possessive and controlling dynamic. Quite lame. Some people shouldn't have romantic/sexual relationships until they've figured out how to have friendships. Of course, they're the last people to realize that.
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