How and when did you know?

[nycindie]

You know, when people explain distinctions to you, there is a reason for that. You come off as a bit dismissive to respond with "Oh, that's just semantics." How off-putting. It's not just semantics. Sure, there are threads here debating definitions and interpretations of certain words and phrases, which are just tedious exercises in futility - BUT when you ask people how they got came to live a certain way and your words about it seem to clash with the general understanding of it, we're going to point that out.

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term which ranges from cheating to swinging to open relationships to polyamory and whatever's in between. Polyamory is focused on loving romantic relationships, which for some people don't even have to include sex. Some people feel that being poly is part of their identity, while others feel it's a structure for relationships which they choose. We make very personal, meaningful choices when we engage in polyamorous relationships. Not sure, but you seem more interested in the sex. Get clear on what you're asking or no one would have to stress the differences to you. Do you want to know how people got to be polyamorous or open or what?

[onoma]

Originally Posted by nycindie

You know, when people explain distinctions to you, there is a reason for that. You come off as a bit dismissive to respond with "Oh, that's just semantics." How off-putting. It's not just semantics.

Really? I've reworded my question twice. Once for you and once for Magdlyn... just to get the answer to the same basic question. I'm not trying to be dismissive, I'm trying to get other perspectives.

It's not always semantics, but in this case it really is. The question isn't "What is polyamory." It's "Why are you here today?" Frankly, repeatedly telling me that poly isn't just about sex or just _having_ to ensure I know you don't identify as poly comes off as a little defensive. Here we are arguing over the definition of poly when I just want to gain insight from your experiences that lead up to where you are now with regards to relationships.

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term which ranges from cheating to swinging to open relationships to polyamory and whatever's in between. Polyamory is focused on loving romantic relationships, which for some people don't even have to include sex.

Ok, but what does that have to do with my question? Why does "How did you get here" have to depend on a strict definition of the word polyamory? It's clear that you don't even think of poly the same way others here do... so why beat me up over a less-than-perfect usage of the term?

Not sure, but you seem more interested in the sex. Get clear on what you're asking or no one would have to stress the differences to you.

I could clear that up for you, but it doesn't matter for this question.

Do you want to know how people got to be polyamorous or open or what?

Yes. That is the question. How did you become polyamorous, or open, or whatever you feel you are right now in life?

You answered, and I liked your answer. It made me think. It made me think that I might not really taking steps towards my own happiness.

I asked how people came into polyamory because this is polyamory.com. So I said polyamory. It could have been non-monogamy, or open relationships, multiple non-exclusive relationships, or any number of other terms for what can be a slightly messy subject.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by onoma

Frankly, repeatedly telling me that poly isn't just about sex or just _having_ to ensure I know you don't identify as poly comes off as a little defensive.

Oy, I think Mercury's in retrograde or something.

I don't care whether you know I don't ID as poly or not... you asked us how we reached our "conclusion," and I didn't know what conclusion you were talking about. You said you want to know how we realized we're polyamorous, and I answered that I don't see myself that way, and told you why. Then you say that's just semantics, which felt like a brush-off. I answered because I was already in a dialogue with you, not to "ensure" you know something about me. I'm certainly not the only person here who doesn't ID as poly, and it's not accurate to say that I "don't even think of poly the same way others here do." There are so many ways people are polyamorous but some general ideas (focus on love, not sex) that many would align themselves with.

And I wasn't beating you up - I was just letting you know that shrugging off our answers by saying we're focused on semantics seems dismissive, like what we had to say didn't matter. Not a good approach if you are asking us to say what's real for us. I am participating, want to answer your questions, but I think it is obvious both Mags and I simply needed to get clear on what you were saying and asking. How can anyone tell you "our experiences that [led] up to where [we] are now with regards to relationships" if we're talking about different things?

Originally Posted by onoma

I asked how people came into polyamory because this is polyamory.com. So I said polyamory. It could have been non-monogamy, or open relationships, multiple non-exclusive relationships, or any number of other terms for what can be a slightly messy subject.

Right. And all of those terms you could have asked about would have garnered different responses - that's why specificity is important.

Considering that you did say you were rambly and "still working this out," you were a tad unclear or gave a different impression about the focus of your inquiry than you perhaps wanted. But now, because some of us asked and pointed certain things out, I think it's definitely more clear what kinds of responses you're looking for. You want to know the paths people have taken to whatever kind of non-monogamy we're into. Cool. Seems you want to know more about the thought processes, decision-making, and any internal wrestling that we've gone through than what place we're in now. I think I get it now.

[Magdlyn]

You could go to the life stories and blogs section here to see the different ways people became poly, or open, or whatever, and how they practice it now. It's usually a long hard road for many people at first, and you'll see the variety of ways people have handled it in their blogs.

It varies a lot, depending on people's ages, whether they are in a couple or not, whether both partners are poly, or one is mono, whether they are straight, gay, bi or pansexual, whether there are kids in the mix, whether they are Christian, pagan or atheist, whether they are fully open or poly-fideltitous, whether they are seeing their partners regularly or are in long distance relationships, whether there has been cheating at first, or a careful thoughtful progression. Ad infinitum.

[AnotherConfused]

Hi Onoma, I actually like your question. I'd love to read a string of one-paragraph summaries of people's paths in their relationship lives. I'll give you mine. I stumbled across this board a couple of years ago when I was baffled by my strong romantic attraction to my friend L, in spite of loving my husband. Reading about polyamory, I recognized in myself a lifelong pattern of cheating/breakups/confusion when my "serial monogamy" as practiced by most young singles kept tending to overlap -loving one, I'd fall in love with another. I was relieved to read that that's just how some people tick, and that life can be lived with multiple love relationships, given enough hard work with communication and honesty, introspection and mutual respect. It has been tough, given my socially conservative monogamous husband (from India) but we have finally reached a place where I feel free and he still feels securely loved, and the profound honesty between has deepened our bond.

[JaneQSmythe]

I've known I was poly...since before the word was invented (in 1990, according to Wikipedia). I started reading Heinlein at a very young age (12 or so). Many of my views on sex and relationships were/are quite obviously Heinlein influenced. Before I met MrS, I was pretty much of the opinion that I wanted to have sex with whomever I wanted and loving friends and FWB but had no interest in the types of "relationships" modeled by my peers (and society at large)...then MrS happened and I eventually had to acknowledge that such a thing as "romantic love" actually existed...so I had to fit that in as well. 19 years later the miracle happened again, quite unlooked-for, and now we have Dude as well, all nestled in there...apparently these things just happen sometimes.

(I'm working on the longer version in my blog - 8 big posts and I am up to 16 years ago...)

[nouryia]

I kind of fell into it. I have been mono all my life until about 1.5 years ago. I'd never thought about living out a poly relationship until I married my current husband 3 years ago. He wasn't poly, but he is bisexual. I always felt like asking him to never be with a man again because we were now married was selfish.

At first all we did was talk about it and we pretty much dismissed the idea. But he made friends with a co-worker who is poly and quite out and open about it. What seemed like a really weird arrangement to me at first kind of became less weird over time just from hearing about their life through my husband.

About 2 years ago, I decided 'to hell with it, let's try opening things up'. Why? Because I had noticed that my husband seemed to get more antsy and talked about his desires of being with men more and I could see him struggling. At first, it was him that sought out a male FWB. In time, that friend became my lover and he and I fell in love. I now refer to him as my boyfriend. I never expected this but I'm glad it happened...

[Shannanigan]

In 2007, a couple months before my 21st birthday, I confessed to my boyfriend of over three years (who I had been blissfully monogamous with the entire time) that I was having a hard time turning down the advances of an attractive guy at school. The guy wasn't being pushy or harassing, but he was making himself unquestionably available, and I wanted to give in. I had been reading articles about cheating online at night, and stumbled across the suggestion that I talk with my partner about it, so I did.

We agreed that I could sleep with the guy, once, and that I would share all the details with my boyfriend, and decide from there whether we wanted to open our relationship up to strictly sexual encounters with other people. I did, and we decided we were okay with opening up.

I didn't expect to fall in love with another person. It was a hard time reassuring my first guy that I wasn't going to leave him and didn't feel anything less for him. Being the internet junkie that I am, it didn't take long for the word "polyamory" to start popping up in my article readings. Once I discovered it, though, it helped me and my guys out so much, and I'm so glad the communities (and the word "polyamory") exist for jsut that reason.

The relationship with the first guy unfortunately ended as we discovered that we wanted different things in life. I'm still "with" the second guy and have a handful of lover-friends in different places. Most of them are curious about this "polyamory" thing, but for the most part don't see the need to call what we have anything more than a close friendship that sometimes includes sex.

[opalescent]

I don't fully identify as polyamorous. I describe myself as ethically non-monogamous. The reason is that I have yet to have more than one loving relationship at a time. I'm currently seeing people casually. However I believe myself to be 'poly-capable'. Of course I won't know for sure until I am in more than one loving relationship. So my answer would be I still don't know.

[StarTeddy]

It was about a year ago when I became interested in my (now-ex) boyfriend's best friend. I was feeling torn between having to choose between them and told them that I wanted to date both of them. A big mess happened, but I decided to stay with my boyfriend and just be friends (with emotional attachment) to his best friend. I knew that I was poly then, but I thought I could suppress it. Now, I don't know.

Funny thing is, something extremely similar happened when I had just started my first relationship when I was 15. How I got there was much more convoluted, but basically I was also crushing hard on my then-boyfriend's best friend and I wished that I didn't have to choose. For a time felt that I didn't have to, but then I saw how much it was hurting him, kicked myself mentally and decided that I had a previous commitment to my (then) boyfriend, and to stop being immature and insensitive towards him.

Heh...