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  #1  
Old 02-29-2012, 05:33 AM
sixta sixta is offline
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aloha,

i'm sixta, 25, from san diego. i've been married 4 years and recently started the poly life this past november.

my husband has had a harder time adjusting than me... but i can honestly say i feel very lucky, despite the challenges.

my lover is married as well... his wife is in the dark, which is a shame. but we have an awesome relationship and he is very much a part of my life. he has a good rapport with my husband, some of my family members, and friends.

i'm here to get to know others who share similar lifestyles and values, and learn more of how this whole thing works. sometimes i feel like i'm fumbling in the dark... but sometimes that can be fun too

sixta
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  #2  
Old 02-29-2012, 06:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sixta View Post
my lover is married as well... his wife is in the dark, which is a shame. but we have an awesome relationship...
It doesn't bother you that he's cheating?
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  #3  
Old 02-29-2012, 06:24 AM
sixta sixta is offline
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not particularly. that's his marriage, his choice. i do wish that for him though, to be able to have that openess with her one day.
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Old 02-29-2012, 07:29 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Welcome to the Forum.
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How did I get here & Where am I going?
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Old 02-29-2012, 05:43 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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It's a time bomb. Have you given any thought to the collateral damage, blast radius and or fallout when that bomb goes off???? Real hard to put humpty dumpty back together again after that.
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Old 02-29-2012, 06:33 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Why has your lover decided not to talk to his wife about non-monogamy? Do they have a don't ask, don't tell arrangement? Are you friends with her? I am very curious about why and your take on his reasons.

While you are not responsible for his decision to have a sexual/emotional relationship with someone besides his wife, you do bear responsibility for deciding to be in that relationship with him, for accepting that he is cheating on his wife with you.

There are sometimes good reasons for not telling the truth, for going outside a marriage. I can imagine scenarios. And either you find his reasons sufficent or you believe his cheating is all on him with no moral implications for your own behavior.

I have decided that I won't get involved with someone not openly and ethically non-monogamous, even if they have 'good' reasons not to be honest and above board with their spouse. It spares drama, and relieves me from having to constantly gauge the truthfulness of a potential partner. I also have decided that I do not want to cause others pain if I can avoid it. If I was a consenting partner in a secret relationship, ('the other woman') and the wife thought the husband was monogamous with her and found out otherwise, then I have hurt her. Yes, the husband in this situation is primarily responsible for hurting his spouse but I share in that betrayal too.

You are an adult and you have your reasons I am sure. But dingedheart has a point. Your lover, and presumably his wife, are known to your husband, your friends, and parts of your family. When she realizes the nature of your relationship with her husband, assuming she doesn't already, it could get very ugly. Given how open you describe being with him, it would not take much. And that ugliness would not be confined to just you but your husband, friends, family, maybe even your kids.
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Old 03-01-2012, 03:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
If I was a consenting partner in a secret relationship, ('the other woman') and the wife thought the husband was monogamous with her and found out otherwise, then I have hurt her. Yes, the husband in this situation is primarily responsible for hurting his spouse but I share in that betrayal too.
I see it similarly, with a slight difference. If I were in that situation, I am sharing responsibility for hurting his wife whether she finds out about us or not. I can't be with someone who could treat his wife with such dishonesty and disrespect that way. Secrets hurt. Affairs hurt. I have been the secret mistress when I was younger more times than I would like to admit, and also thought cavalierly that it wasn't my responsibility to worry about that - but it is. For me to act compassionately in life, I can't encourage or participate in someone else's deceptions. But I do understand how easily one get get into that kind of situation and all the rationalizing that accompanies it.

Plus, it does affect your self-esteem in very negative ways, no matter how much you try to shrug it off like it's not your problem. Wouldn't you want her to have as fully honest a relationship with him as she could possibly have? Have you encouraged him to talk to her?
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 03-01-2012 at 07:00 AM.
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  #8  
Old 03-01-2012, 06:58 AM
sixta sixta is offline
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i don't feel the need to defend my relationships or choices, but i will say that his reasons do make logical sense to me, and i empathize with his situation.


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Welcome to the Forum.
why thank you!
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  #9  
Old 03-01-2012, 12:10 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Good luck! I hope things turn out well.
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  #10  
Old 03-02-2012, 06:37 AM
sixta sixta is offline
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thank you! <3 me too.

it's all new territory. but we're all good people. trying to enjoy life while still doing the right thing, as best we can
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