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  #1  
Old 02-29-2012, 01:28 AM
arianne arianne is offline
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Default Jealousy and little things

Backstory: I've been dating a couple for close to a year now. When we started dating J (him) and D (her) were living together and had been dating for close to 2 years. When we started dating, I had some jealousy issues, especially since I moved to a different city a couple of months after and have only seen them on weekends. I worked through those issues and the last few months have been great.

This past weekend I got horribly jealous again and I haven't said anything but it's been nagging at me. I was hoping for some advice and just needed to vent.

I think the jealousy came from a couple of things. D was tired this weekend and I felt as though she wasn't being as responsive and that sort of got to me even though I know she was tired and doesn't tend to show affection as easily. J also mentioned us moving in together in two or three years and all I could think of was 'that's so far away!' I know that that isn't an unreasonable time frame but I feel very far away sometimes and it makes me jealous that they are sharing a home and a life together. I also realized today that they are now common law partners, and that I couldn't really be that with either of them since you can't have more than one. It's stupid, I know, but it just reinforced the idea that it's the two of them and me. We hang out and sometimes it's clear that they have their own life together.

I know my issues are part and parcel of what we are doing... at least, my brain is supposed to know, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed. It probably doesn't help that I'm going overseas this weekend for a couple of weeks. It's also part of why I haven't said anything (did I mention that I suck at communicating?) as I didn't want this to impede on what we have which, when I'm thinking about it, is pretty good. I like and care for them both very much but sometimes I wonder if that is enough or if I'm going to spend a lot of time being jealous or overthinking things. I also didn't want to sort of drop this and just leave but trying to work through this in my head doesn't seem to be working. Am I just completely overthinking things... or just crazy?
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Old 02-29-2012, 08:40 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Originally Posted by arianne View Post
J also mentioned us moving in together in two or three years and all I could think of was 'that's so far away!' I know that that isn't an unreasonable time frame but I feel very far away sometimes and it makes me jealous that they are sharing a home and a life together. I also realized today that they are now common law partners, and that I couldn't really be that with either of them since you can't have more than one. It's stupid, I know, but it just reinforced the idea that it's the two of them and me.
I think I know how you feel. I just watched my boyfriend marry one of his live in partners this past weekend. I live in one house, with my husband/kids and they live as a MFM triad with their kids in another (same city though, not long distance).

Even though I KNOW he and I can never have more than a secondary relationship (between us there are 5 adults, 4 kids, ages 2 to 14, 2 dogs and 5 cats, I can't imagine all of us moving in, can you? lol), it still sometimes stings to think about it. I would have liked the chance to live with both the men I love, as the female of their group has. But that won't be happening with my boyfriend. At least, you have less baggage and the possibility of living together does exist. All you need is more communication and some patience...Good luck
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:20 PM
arianne arianne is offline
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^^ Yikes... maybe if you bought one of those huge farmhouses? You'd need one of those passenger vans to transport everyone anywhere! Or a school bus.

The idea with this triad was that it would be equal/eventually be equal but I see equality (maybe I'm wrong here) as not being a possibility while they live together and I'm in a different city. Not that I think they care about me any less (or vice versa) but there's just different levels of commitment.

In the past, I've mentioned that if D decides to go to school here, we should move in together and there was some talk of that but her start date is somewhat fluid and she may choose to move even farther away (in which case I think I'm done). I'm guessing that's where the two to three year timeline came from as that is how long it will take her to finish school although I don't know for sure.

It sometimes feels as though I care more about it - they have each other whatever happens. And despite the knowledge that things take time, I can't help the comparisons. I also don't know how long I'm willing to be patient for. I'm at a place where I want someone (or several someones) to share my life with, not just on a weekends-mostly basis, and this is where I feel as though I want something but they already have that so they're likely not in any rush. I know things don't always work on my timeline but it's frustrating!

I've thought about whether I should go find another partner but well, I suck at the dating thing in general (I was attracted to J for 2 years before I said anything) and besides, how do I start a conversation with "Hi, I'm looking for someone to be a weekday partner but maybe more... or less... I don't know. But hey, I'm currently dating a couple - would you like to join my harem?"
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:39 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Originally Posted by arianne View Post
The idea with this triad was that it would be equal/eventually be equal but I see equality (maybe I'm wrong here) as not being a possibility while they live together and I'm in a different city. Not that I think they care about me any less (or vice versa) but there's just different levels of commitment.
It certainly can be an equal relationship once you become a triad (my boyfriend's triad is very stable and has worked well for at least 5 years). Though from what you say, it's still up in the air. Perhaps you could press the issue gently, letting them know you can't wait for them to set a time frame forever.

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It sometimes feels as though I care more about it - they have each other whatever happens.
Maybe it makes a difference but in my case, it doesn't completely ease the sting. I still wish the boyfriend and I could have more, even though I have someone at home who loves me. It's kinda up to me to learn to live with it...or move on if I can't. I am trying very hard...


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"hey, I'm currently dating a couple - would you like to join my harem?"
I LOVE that line! You should use it. Seriously.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:00 PM
arianne arianne is offline
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It certainly can be an equal relationship once you become a triad (my boyfriend's triad is very stable and has worked well for at least 5 years). Though from what you say, it's still up in the air. Perhaps you could press the issue gently, letting them know you can't wait for them to set a time frame forever.
I haven't really wanted to because I understand why things are up in the air. D can't decide where she wants to go to school or when (the timeline keeps getting pushed back) and J intends to move with her. We're just at very different places. I'm fairly settled (career, home, etc) where D isn't and J is following her, which is logical. They're happy with the way things are in general... I think. While I'm not certain about when I would want things to move faster, I think it's knowing that I potentially don't have the option for a long time that hurts.

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Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
Maybe it makes a difference but in my case, it doesn't completely ease the sting. I still wish the boyfriend and I could have more, even though I have someone at home who loves me. It's kinda up to me to learn to live with it...or move on if I can't. I am trying very hard...
That sucks I guess if I had someone at home who loved me I'd worry less about it? Although I really have _far_ too much time at work to stress about this!

Definitely sending positive vibes to you for sorting that out!
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Old 03-01-2012, 07:50 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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I think it's knowing that I potentially don't have the option for a long time that hurts.
I totally understand that. I just think that your mates would prefer knowing how you feel BEFORE it was too late and you'd already made a decision that might hurt them. You might be pleasantly surprised at just how much they care about your happiness.


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Definitely sending positive vibes to you for sorting that out!
Thank-you It doesn't need so much 'sorting' really, the situation is what it is. It serves little purpose to wallow in the 'what ifs' (which is kinda what I've been doing). I just have to keep reminding myself that as secondary relationships go, this one is fantastic. He is a thoughtful caring man and at this point, I don't really see my life without him in it. I'd rather have a third of him than none.
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:11 PM
arianne arianne is offline
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I totally understand that. I just think that your mates would prefer knowing how you feel BEFORE it was too late and you'd already made a decision that might hurt them. You might be pleasantly surprised at just how much they care about your happiness.
Hahah I'm guilty of doing that all the time. I tend to sit on things for a long time, then decide one fine day that I'm going to do X and I go out and do it immediately. I don't want to say anything with so much certainty and I don't really want to influence D's decision of where she wants to go to school. Plus I hate looking needy.

Quote:
Thank-you It doesn't need so much 'sorting' really, the situation is what it is. It serves little purpose to wallow in the 'what ifs' (which is kinda what I've been doing). I just have to keep reminding myself that as secondary relationships go, this one is fantastic. He is a thoughtful caring man and at this point, I don't really see my life without him in it. I'd rather have a third of him than none.
We're twins. I love 'what ifs'... relationships, careers, houses, cars... I can come up with so many scenarios for everything. I'm glad you're happy with him
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Old 03-01-2012, 08:50 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Plus I hate looking needy.

We're twins. I love 'what ifs'... relationships, careers, houses, cars... I can come up with so many scenarios for everything. I'm glad you're happy with him
Indeed...we are twins I also hate looking needy...but sometimes the facade cracks a bit :P

And yes, I am happy and head over heels in love
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