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  #31  
Old 04-26-2012, 05:47 PM
desire desire is offline
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"You maybe the perfect candidate for a secondary poly relationship...." I had never thought about that possibility till you articulated it. I am just trying to sink in the information, first of all.

I dont know if that is what I want. But, your responses have made me realize his needs, again, Thank you. And, we will now talk a bit more sanely, me also understanding his needs instead of just blaming.

We do not have access to counsellors right now, but, the forum is counselling me. I will try to make him read these threads together or perhaps separately and invite him also to join and post. Hopefully, he will listen because it might be crucial for him to get advices and a safe space to express.
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  #32  
Old 04-26-2012, 06:07 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I'd start by asking him nicely to read this thread ......then start listening to each other. Maybe figure out each others love languages...book by something Chapman ...Gary I think. Go back and figure out why you got married in the first place and then build from there.
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  #33  
Old 04-27-2012, 04:34 AM
desire desire is offline
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The latest is that my husband is having uncontrollable panic attacks. He has decided to cut off from his affair, but not able to in practice. He is pulled from both sides, from me and from her. I dont know how to deal with these situations. I increasingly feel I will have to now become a nurse maid, but, will not be getting "love" from him anymore, or at least not the kind I was used to. I still cannot deal with the fact that he is involved though I am trying hard to tell myself, acceptance is the only way forward.
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  #34  
Old 04-27-2012, 02:47 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Does he have a history of anxiety or panic attacks ? How can you help him from a distance ....text him to breath into a paper bag when he's hyperventilating ? Or do you mean later when you go home.


I don't know what nursemaid exactly means in this situation but you might want to remember you helped to create this mess and with that you might have to get your hands dirty cleaning it up.

Last edited by dingedheart; 04-27-2012 at 08:24 PM.
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  #35  
Old 04-27-2012, 04:06 PM
desire desire is offline
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I understand, I am also responsible for this situation. I am in a kind of job where it is impossible for me to just leave, since the financial implications if I leave before two months is something I cannot bear. I am in touch over the phone regularly with him and keep reassuaring him that I am there for him. I will also leave this job after the notice period for resignation gets over, which is two months and start my life with him, soon. This does not mean our journey is going to be easy.
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  #36  
Old 04-28-2012, 03:22 AM
Deerinthewoods Deerinthewoods is offline
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Desire, I think I know a bit where you re at. I did the same thing- suggested opening up the relationship-without first negotiating the boundaries and making sure that our primary relationship was solid. So when she gravitated to her new guy, I felt left out. Things moved much quicker than I wanted and I, too, lost exclusivity. I sometimes get the feeling of having "fucked up" and told her so yesterday- but at the same time, I feel like we are both living more honestly. Neither one of us want a divorce and we seem to be committed on working through this and coming out stronger on the other side. I know that its cliche but communication is central.
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  #37  
Old 04-28-2012, 06:10 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from desire):
Quote:
"I will try to make him read these threads together or perhaps separately and invite him also to join and post. Hopefully, he will listen because it might be crucial for him to get advice and a safe space to express."
Yes, I think that would be a good idea. In order for us to better understand how to help you both, I think we kind of need to hear "his side of the story." For instance, how important is it to him that you and him live together? Is it a boundary for him, a dealbreaker, just something he vented about in a heated moment ...?

Re (from dingedheart):
Quote:
"I'd start by asking him nicely to read this thread ... then start listening to each other. Maybe figure out each other's love languages ... a book by something Chapman ...Gary I think."
It's "The Five Love Languages: how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate" ... by Gary Chapman. It's a good book. Be aware, it's not necessarily a poly-friendly book (though it can without much imagination be applied to poly relationships). But, a good book nonetheless. And you guys do need to understand each other's love languages (among other things).

Be careful not to let things become a tit-for-tat game or competition. You both need to re-learn how to care about each other as people, rather than be on the defensive towards each other all the time. If you remain closed (like a fist) towards each other, you will have to think about boundaries, dealbreakers, and the possibility of breaking up. The only way to save your relationship is to open up and become vulnerable towards each other.

Although we are just a forum, not a professional counselor, we can be like a support group of sorts and will do all we can to help on a non-professional level. Please encourage your partner to join us here and take part in the conversation. I think it would help a lot.

With much care and concern,
Kevin T.
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  #38  
Old 04-29-2012, 02:20 PM
desire desire is offline
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thanks a lot, everyone...I keep these things in mind...though, it is difficult for me to live with the "death of love" which is how I am experiencing these things, though, it need not be, since he is taking the effort to keep my relationship also. Hopefully, things will work out...will keep you all posted...
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  #39  
Old 04-29-2012, 05:46 PM
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That sounds good. Hang in there, I know things don't seem hopeful right now, but there is hope yet.
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  #40  
Old 09-10-2012, 07:17 AM
desire desire is offline
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I have no idea where my life is going, again. We are physically living together, but, I am not able to control feelings of loss and spend my nights in tears. I used to do that when I was alone, but, now, when someone else is sleeping next to you, snoring is the right word, actually, the tears come out in a terrible contrast. I also became snoopy since I had no access to his feelings, and we descended into what I feared worst - me as a snoopy nag, who also cries uncontrollably, he as an escapist husband who doe not care about my feelings. I have got some little space this week because I have left him, alone and taken one week off. The other woman, in the meanwhile has left the place, and they both had an emotional farewell, the details of which I do not know, but, from what my husband says, he is very emotionally disturbed. I basically feel unloved, inspite of his decision to be with me. I experience this relationship as a "practical arrangement" with nothing of his imagination/romance wasted on me. Today, I decided to break off since I am not able to bear the humiliation of my tears and his emotional rejection. I also know that it takes more than this, more ugliness than this for couples to break off, actually! I know we will face each other again and again, in anger. I just hope to god I have the courage to end it now. Regards and thanks everyone,
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