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  #31  
Old 03-02-2012, 03:37 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Then again; do people really own cats?
No!
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  #32  
Old 03-02-2012, 05:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Megziebaby216 View Post
I am back. Everything is as it was again. Once I sat down and explained myself, my husband realized that I didn't want to dictate the situation, but just be involved as a family he settled down and apologized.
He is afraid of you being controlling.

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He explained the reason he wants to have a baby so badly right now is he wants to have a bond with our girlfriend because he feels threatened that she and I have such a tight knit connection and get to spend more time together.
In other words, he is jealous. This so often happens in triads. 2 of the partners become more close and the other one feels like a 3rd wheel.

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So after we all sat down we realized that we each felt threatened by something and opened up lines of communication.

My husband and I went out on a nice "wipe slate clean" kind of date and had an amazing time. I was so relaxed and felt that "relationship high" My girlfriend and I also had a nice afternoon the next day. had a cuddling movie day.
And did your h get to go on a date with the gf as well? Since he was the one feeling left out, why did he get a date with you, you got a date with her, but he didn't get a date with her?

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Together we decided to bring up the baby topic in the summer and see where we stand then, and then look at next winter as a possibility.

Thank you all for your input! I appreciete any tips or advice
I just have more questions. How old are your present children? When I had 3 kids in 5 years I had barely any time for dating or movie nights with my one husband (forget being poly and dating new people) or anything except their needs, for a long long time. Do you have lots of babysitters near by? I didn't leave my kids with babysitters much until they were at least 3 years old and verbal enough to tell me how their time away from me went.

And now, about finances. You work full time, in the home. Laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, home maintenance, kids' education and activities, PLUS run a farm??? Your h works full time out of the home and new gf just has a part time job? I'd advise she gets a full time job and saves money for *at least* 2 years, so she can take time off if her pregnancy calls for bed rest (as can happen) or she doesn't want to go back to working outside the home when her kid is just a couple months old, but maybe wants to stay home for a year or 2.

How is it your h can support 3 kids and 2 "wives" at age 24?
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  #33  
Old 03-04-2012, 02:04 PM
Megziebaby216 Megziebaby216 is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
He is afraid of you being controlling.



In other words, he is jealous. This so often happens in triads. 2 of the partners become more close and the other one feels like a 3rd wheel.



And did your h get to go on a date with the gf as well? Since he was the one feeling left out, why did he get a date with you, you got a date with her, but he didn't get a date with her?



I just have more questions. How old are your present children? When I had 3 kids in 5 years I had barely any time for dating or movie nights with my one husband (forget being poly and dating new people) or anything except their needs, for a long long time. Do you have lots of babysitters near by? I didn't leave my kids with babysitters much until they were at least 3 years old and verbal enough to tell me how their time away from me went.

And now, about finances. You work full time, in the home. Laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, home maintenance, kids' education and activities, PLUS run a farm??? Your h works full time out of the home and new gf just has a part time job? I'd advise she gets a full time job and saves money for *at least* 2 years, so she can take time off if her pregnancy calls for bed rest (as can happen) or she doesn't want to go back to working outside the home when her kid is just a couple months old, but maybe wants to stay home for a year or 2.

How is it your h can support 3 kids and 2 "wives" at age 24?

Yes he has a date with her as well. We have no baby sitters, very small town. Basically the "off partner" watches the children while the others have dates. My mother ( the only grandparent who wants all 3 crazy kids at once ) watches them about once a month or month and a half so we can go out on a tripple date as well. My children are 5, 3 and 8 months.
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  #34  
Old 03-04-2012, 02:07 PM
Megziebaby216 Megziebaby216 is offline
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No!
Haha agreed! My cats see me as a minion to do their feeding and bidding LOL. My dogs are all a pain in the butt, but at the end of the day, they know who holds the kibble scoop! HAHA

And i agree about shelters. We have 3 shelter dogs and 1 puppy, and 2 cats.....hard though because the shelter fees here are really high ( in my opinion). Who wants to buy a 100 dollar 7 year old cat?
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  #35  
Old 03-07-2012, 05:29 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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True enough. I was thinking more of the single person who lives alone and wants companionship, but yeah, you're right, there's WAY too many irresponsible pet owners out there. I truly don't understand why anyone BUYS a cat or dog at all- are their local pounds empty?? We've always adopted our pets, never purchased.
Steering off-topic: with many of the dogs in the pounds, there is very little info on their background. Also, it's difficult to assess accurately how their behaviour will change once they are brought home. Even small puppies can have traumas, bad parenting and nutrition in their past that will affect their future health, or they might be inadequately socialized.

Not wanting to get into an adopt/buy fight here, but I would strongly advice anyone against getting their first own dog from a pound. Our younger cat was adopted from a cat rescue, and he's a darling, so I'm not at all against pounds in general: folks should just be sure they are ready to deal with some MAJOR behavioral issues before adopting a pet or those pets will get abandoned again .
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  #36  
Old 03-08-2012, 11:36 PM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Steering off-topic: with many of the dogs in the pounds, there is very little info on their background. Also, it's difficult to assess accurately how their behaviour will change once they are brought home. Even small puppies can have traumas, bad parenting and nutrition in their past that will affect their future health, or they might be inadequately socialized.

Not wanting to get into an adopt/buy fight here, but I would strongly advice anyone against getting their first own dog from a pound. Our younger cat was adopted from a cat rescue, and he's a darling, so I'm not at all against pounds in general: folks should just be sure they are ready to deal with some MAJOR behavioral issues before adopting a pet or those pets will get abandoned again .
Staying off topic...

When I got my dog from a pound 10 years ago, I was getting a breed that I grew up with and knew quite well and I looked over the turn-in sheet that the previous owners had filled out.

Reading through that was what sealed the deal. This was clearly the case of the husband getting the dog "for the kids" and the wife not liking the dog for some very typical dog-like behavior as well as some behavior (bounciness, being a bit more barky) that was common to the breed. So, aside from whatever genetic maladies the dog might have, I knew she was going to be more or less along the lines of what I had known in other examples of that breed.

Even though she's retired and living with my parents right now, I can't believe how lucky I was to get such a sweet dog who has brought a lot of happiness into the lives of the people she's known. All it took was a little searching and enough researching.

That said, and getting back on track, a relationship is only as strong as its weakest link. Getting a dog doesn't fix a relationship. Getting a cat doesn't fix a relationship. Getting pregnant...yikes. Bring your best self to a relationship and that's a situation that will likely endure.
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  #37  
Old 03-09-2012, 02:45 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Bring your best self to a relationship and that's a situation that will likely endure.
I like that phrase, "bring your best self to a relationship," Yes!

Reminds me of something Charlie wrote in his blog:
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Never forget this: To be loved, by yourself or someone else, right here and now, for who and what you are, is a fucking gift. It deserves a "Please" and "Thank You" for every moment. Anything that cannot be given freely and willingly is commerce, and it has no place in any personal relationship. If you have holes in your heart, fill them in yourself. Never give someone you love a broken gift. Ever.

And never accept one either.
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  #38  
Old 03-10-2012, 01:23 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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nycindie, thanks for that. Gives me chills. Saved.
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  #39  
Old 03-10-2012, 05:10 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Charlies quote reminds me of a post I had once about being hosts in each others lives. Treating people as if they are guests in our home (our space around us, within us). In turn, accepting that we are also guests in their house. Its simple gratitude and manners really, but for some reason its forgotten these days. Love becomes abundant when it has room to grow in the fertile ground of living life authentically and with virtue.
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  #40  
Old 03-11-2012, 01:26 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I like that phrase, "bring your best self to a relationship," Yes!
Thanks! It took a long time and several mandated time-outs of "no relationships for me because I'm still a mess from the last one" for me to figure that out.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Charlies quote reminds me of a post I had once about being hosts in each others lives. Treating people as if they are guests in our home (our space around us, within us). In turn, accepting that we are also guests in their house. Its simple gratitude and manners really, but for some reason its forgotten these days. Love becomes abundant when it has room to grow in the fertile ground of living life authentically and with virtue.
This is a really interesting concept, especially when you put it in the context of polyamory. Since our relationships are not one-on-one, you have to learn to read people better and understand dynamics better and become more versatile in how you relate to the people you love. To keep the host idea going, guests have their own sets of needs and wants and you have to make sure your expectations in those interactions match.
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