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  #11  
Old 03-04-2012, 07:36 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Thanks That Girl in Gray for ur response
In the same paper by Mr Maura he mentions an i quote "Multiple relationships are viewed as positive, in part, because no one individual “can meet all your needs.” Those needs include being challenged, growing, and realizing one’s potential in all these dimensions. Since loving relationships provide a safe context for individuals to acknowledge their needs and explore some of their potential, multiple loving relationships allow for fuller expression and development of a variety of individual interests and potential."
This made me think that, am I going into this relationship because my partner is not able to meet all my needs fully and is there some thing lacking. After reviewing everything i have come to the conclusion, that it is not so. and his statement is a broad generalisation and may not necessarily be true in each case. I would love to get other members' views on this

Last edited by urmila; 03-04-2012 at 07:41 AM.
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  #12  
Old 03-04-2012, 01:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Urmila,
Please note that, in the sentence you quoted, the author stated, "Multiple relationships are viewed as positive, in part, because no one individual “can meet all your needs.” " In part. It's part of why poly can be viewed positively. That is just one of many reasons why polyamory can work for people. Straussberg is not saying it is the only reason for everyone. There are all types of people who live polyamorously and many reasons why that is what works for them.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-04-2012 at 01:35 PM.
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  #13  
Old 03-11-2012, 09:59 AM
amitabhisgood amitabhisgood is offline
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Hi Urmila

Now that you guys are considering your newly visible relationship more judiciously, I guess, you might also have to look into changes in social circles.

As I know of India and more in South India and Chennai, people (especially the vendors and hawkers) will very quickly get a feel about something different happening.

These people are more observant than they seem to be. More so as they have time for "free mind chattering".

You might have to even consider a change in grocery store and also other habits nurtured due to prevalent social, emotional structures.

My assumptions may be incorrect( and may reflect factors I am considering wrt going poly). As it is said, "my 2 cents". These cents flow as you mentioned
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This will help us to keep our relationship under wraps for the outside world as we dont want to come out.
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Last edited by amitabhisgood; 03-11-2012 at 10:03 AM.
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  #14  
Old 03-11-2012, 11:51 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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As I know of India and more in South India and Chennai, people (especially the vendors and hawkers) will very quickly get a feel about something different happening.

Thanks Amithab. We r very well aware of the people, who may notice something different, In addition to the hawkers etc, another very important person we have to be careful is the part time maid who takes of cleaning the house and the dishes. luckily we dont depend on her for our laundry. So far it is only one kitchen and we r yet share the bedrooms. no problems. But when next month when my cousin and his wife move in to the first floor, she may smell something, for that we have worked out an arrangement in which we will be engaginge the maid for only house cleaning and we share the cleaning of dishes
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  #15  
Old 03-11-2012, 12:05 PM
urmila urmila is offline
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Default meeting the needs

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Urmila,
Please note that, in the sentence you quoted, the author stated, "Multiple relationships are viewed as positive, in part, because no one individual ďcan meet all your needs.Ē " In part. It's part of why poly can be viewed positively. That is just one of many reasons why polyamory can work for people. Straussberg is not saying it is the only reason for everyone. There are all types of people who live polyamorously and many reasons why that is what works for them.
over the week I was thinking about about meeting all the needs. Then it flashed in my mind that "Yes now Me and my SO is and can meet all of each other's known needs. As our relationship is expanding, our personalities will also grow We might come across some new needs in future which we are unaware of now, then there is a possibility that we might or might not be able to fullfill, In that situation the other couple in our polymorous relationship might hep us.
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  #16  
Old 03-14-2012, 10:25 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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last weekend turned out to be a very significant weekend in our lives, It was official, that we r going to be polyamorous couples. We have decided on so many things and agreed on the boundaries and how we manage our finances.- there r only two earning members.
since my son has come home for 2 weeks, we have kept everything on hold. might be i cannot visit this site so often during his stay here. I will write about initial steps we have decided to take towards polyamory, sometime later
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  #17  
Old 03-18-2012, 04:28 PM
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neegoola neegoola is offline
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hi urmila, happy to read your steps

i agree with Magdlyn..

and i add: if in the present period you all feel to love each other, spend time together without making sex, that's very nice and sweet and NRE too
BUT i would not "fix" any general, radical rule about it..
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  #18  
Old 03-28-2012, 08:07 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Lightbulb finding justification

I have used the two weeks on reading whatever I could on polyamory. Another thing I did was a lot of introspection about why we want to be poly, which is a very alien concept to us, and we hadnít heard about this until a few months back. I analysed our background and our present situation, both my family and my cousinís and came to my own conclusion, which I donít know if it is correct, some might term it as an excuse or self justification
We are upper caste Hindus and belong to the section of society which is very religious and even ritualistic. My marriage was an arranged marriage, in the sense, it was finalized by our elders, and the one and only interaction we had before marriage, was for about Ĺ an hour, when we met each other first time. My acceptance was taken for granted and asking for my opinion was only a formality. Perhaps in his case, he had a say.
My family consisted of my parents and an elder brother who has settled in USA and has taken citizenship of that country. My fatherís widowed sister and her son, 2 yrs. younger to me, was also staying with us. Now both my parents and my aunt are no more. Since I moved to Chennai after marriage, we havenít had much of interaction with other families, who r in our ancestral village. My husbandís position is similar to mine, except that it is his sister who has migrated. Over the years we have drifted apart from our roots. And since we r from a different state and talk a different language, our social circle is limited here
My cousin, who was staying with his mother in our house, hasnít got any other close relatives, and he has married a girl outside our cast, hence the wifeís family has disowned her, but she was given her share of her parentís property, which is quite good. Even I after my parentís death have inherited the property, since my brother was not interested in that. Why I am telling this is both me and my cousinís wife have some income of our own.
As u might have understood both our families was living in almost isolation without any close friends or attachments. After my son left for college, we and especially myself was feeling quite low. The moving of my cousin last year to this place for taking up a job, was therefore was godsend gift. And we asked them to stay with us until they get a good accommodation near our place. As it was taking time to get a convenient accommodation, they had to stay for some days during which we all came close and I didnít want them to move out. We gave notice to our 1st floor tenant to vacate, so that my cousin and his family can move in. From first April it will free and they r going to move their things from bílore in about 10 days now.
I donít know when and how my cousin and his wife came to now about the concept of polyamory. Since we all liked each other so much, the idea appealed to them and when first it was broached with my husband, he was in a way relieved and happy for my sake, he readily accepted. Even with all my posturing and asking for time to consider, I know I would love to have that relationship.
I think because of the absence of any close relationship with any body other than our spouses (and of course, our son, in our case, who is any planning to abroad for his higher studies next year) which has made this polyamorous relationship so attractive and the circumstances are so conducive to it, it had to happen. I donít know if it sounds convincing to others, but I am sure about it. As we are not going into it because we have any problems with our present relationship, and about 9 months of living together has made us realize we really love them and they love us. We donít want to loose this and want to make it permanent. And we are all sure this will work out very well for all 4 of us.
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  #19  
Old 03-28-2012, 09:05 AM
lapsi lapsi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by urmila View Post
I don’t know if it sounds convincing to others, but I am sure about it.

And we are all sure this will work out very well for all 4 of us.
Urmila,

Whether it sounds convincing to others or not is irrelevant. It is your life, your decision so the only person who needs to be sure is you.

It is great that you have done fantastic research on the subject and that you are going in with your eyes wide open. However, at this time, I would like to suggest that you stop your research and introspection and have a few days of peace and quiet with yourself before this takes off.

Good Luck to all 4 of you.

Cheers!

Lapsi

Last edited by lapsi; 03-28-2012 at 09:09 AM.
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  #20  
Old 03-29-2012, 09:13 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lapsi View Post
Urmila,

It is great that you have done fantastic research on the subject and that you are going in with your eyes wide open. However, at this time, I would like to suggest that you stop your research and introspection and have a few days of peace and quiet with yourself before this takes off.

Good Luck to all 4 of you.

Cheers!

Lapsi
Thanks Lapsi, I also have come to the same conclusion, because it will only confuse us and what has been found thro' various research will definately not apply equally to everybody, After all they all generalise, in the conclusion. and
each one is a unique case.
For example, it is generally said that polyamory is loving without boundaries. But in our case, we have mutually discussed and agreed on some boundaries within which we all behave. This, we thought is required for a long lasting relationship and to avoid any misunderstanding in future amongst ourselwes and possible cause for jealousy.
In monogomy, these type of discussions r not required because society has already fixed them over the years. and since concept of polyamory, is itself new and under evolution yet, we each group have to set these boundaries. Might be we might modify them as time goes on and we learn new things and come across new situations.
I have already done some reading about our Hindu religion, and found out that there is nothing against polyamory in our philosophy. I will writing about it it in my nest post. I t may be of some help to at least other members, who belong to my relogion
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