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  #1  
Old 02-26-2012, 10:04 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Default relationships in quad

i am 42 indian housewife and husband 45. son 20 not living with us. we are contemplating a poly relationship with another couple, who r related to us and are staying with us presently. All the other members r quite enthuastica about it. i am just holding back and reading all about polymory, and was even surprised that is being practiced even in India, even though not in big numbers.
In polymory, as i have understood there is primary and secondary relationship
my question is when two couples r in relationship. can it be an equal relationship without identifiying as primary or secondary. anybody has any experiences on that and if it is being practised, what r the disadvantages and r there r any problem areas we have to be careful of
urmila
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  #2  
Old 02-27-2012, 02:04 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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There are many poly people who do not even use the terms primary and secondary. instead viewing each relationship as unique and important.
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Old 02-27-2012, 05:08 AM
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Yes there are many people that don't subscribe to the point of view that one partner is deserving of more love, time, energy and support over another. Some hierarchies exist and are declared valid due to children, shared assets, marriage etc. That can work for some but usually poly people discover that while they have these ties that bond, love is love and does not follow an agenda. Over time, most poly people grow out of the hierarchal system and theory and let love become abundant and ever growing. This can take time, patience and much experience. The experience comes from separating from couple-centric, co-dependent modalities and embracing committed autonomy with partners.

Try doing a tag search here for "hierarchy" "secondaries" "secondary" "primary" "primaries" and any other tag that seems to be relevant. I like that you are researching. Good for you!
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  #4  
Old 02-27-2012, 05:21 AM
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trescool trescool is offline
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Hi and welcome!

You might try searching "quads" as well. It seems to me like some couples on here have managed to build a non-hierarchical model with other couples and become a quad. I personally believe it is possible, and want that for my life as well.

I suspect that it could take time for all parties to build trust in each other, and commitment that no one is being left behind. But I think that's true of any relationship. From being in a triad that went badly, my advice is to go slow, respecting everyone's emotions through spending time with one another, allowing all parties to have "alone time" with each other. Also, the pre-existing problems of the relationships come into whatever is being built, although (and this is something I've written less about) there are both opportunities for poly to help HEAL these problems as well as they become more clear and obvious because of the insecurities and worries poly can bring up.

In my dreams of what I would like, I can see that being with another couple is ideal, as all parties can slowly build a relationship with one another. I imagine that as a couple, myself and my partner can get to know another couple slowly, and then through conversations with each other and with the other couple, move things to a non-hierarchical level when I feel the trust is deep enough.

Where are you at in your poly journey? Have you known this couple for a long time and been intimate, or are you long time friends and just starting to consider poly with them?
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Old 02-28-2012, 04:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by urmila View Post
my question is when two couples r in relationship. can it be an equal relationship without identifiying as primary or secondary.
In our relationship we are all equal. No hierarchy.
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  #6  
Old 02-29-2012, 07:50 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Thanks to bookbug redpepper trescool and cloud
Asfor as question on far i am in my journey towards polymory, i can say we r almost into it or should i say emotionally we r already there. Except for the physical part i think all 4 of us are attached to each other. before becoming polyamorous in the fullest sense, i feel we t sort set boundaries in which we can practice polyamory

ours is a 2 storeyed dwelling with 2 independent 3 bedroom units in each floor. presently the first floor has been rented iut and we have given notice them to vacate, and they are moving by end of march. It has been decided that my cousine's family will take up that as tenents and move in their things in the first week of April.This will help us to keep our relationship under wraps for the outside world as we dont want to come out. we dont want even our son to be aware of this and they dont have any children. It has been unanimously decided that we will be finally a part of a quadra family in every respect only after they settled down in upstair portion.
With all your good wishes i am sure we will be a very very happy family of four
urmila
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Old 02-29-2012, 11:34 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Good luck urmila.

Generally it is found that primary/secondary does not hinge on love, per se, but on shared living space, finances, child care, insurance. If your cousins will be living in a separate apartment, paying their own rent and utilities, and things like that, it simplifies things. Will you share cooking, cleaning up, bedrooms on a regular basis? Or will you have 4some time and then each couple retreats to their own apartment and bedroom at the end of the day?

It will all depend on how things play out for the 4 of you whether your cousins remain secondaries, or become co-primaries. I assumed you've known at least one of this couple all your life, since you are cousins. Have you been in love with him or her for a long time, even longer than you've known your husband?

Are you all bisexual or are you all straight? Is your husband in love with both of these people?
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  #8  
Old 03-01-2012, 12:37 PM
urmila urmila is offline
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Thank u magdlyn
presently we r having what u might call "non-sexual polyamorous relationship"
we r in love with each other and we are moving towards a full polamorous couples.
we are sharing our living space in the sense the other couple r staying with us but they have got their private bedroom for themselves. and are sharing cooking and cleaning up. presently they r our guests other things dont come into picture
My cousin who is younger to me by 2 yrs and his wife are the other couple
he was my favorite cousin and there was no romantic feeling from my side at that time. But now we all(4 of us) know that he was very much in love with me and just because he was younger and still studying that prevented him from expressing his feelings and considering marriage with me. (In south India marriage between some cousins is accepted)
none of us or bisexuals but i am bi-curious which others r not aware of it yet

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Good luck urmila.

Generally it is found that primary/secondary does not hinge on love, per se, but on shared living space, finances, child care, insurance. If your cousins will be living in a separate apartment, paying their own rent and utilities, and things like that, it simplifies things. Will you share cooking, cleaning up, bedrooms on a regular basis? Or will you have 4some time and then each couple retreats to their own apartment and bedroom at the end of the day?
none of us r not bisexuals, but i am bi-curious, which nobody is aware of this yet

It will all depend on how things play out for the 4 of you whether your cousins remain secondaries, or become co-primaries. I assumed you've known at least one of this couple all your life, since you are cousins. Have you been in love with him or her for a long time, even longer than you've known your husband?

Are you all bisexual or are you all straight? Is your husband in love with both of these people?

Last edited by urmila; 03-01-2012 at 12:48 PM.
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  #9  
Old 03-03-2012, 06:57 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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As I am going thro' all the literature i can access to, I cam across a paper by Mr MAURA I. STRASSBERG thro a link provided in the forum, which has given me confidence that our polymorous relationship will succeed. Some doubt was created by the question by Magdlyn if we r all bisexuals and was confused some extent.
I quote the a part of the article which reinforced my belief that we will be a happy polymorous pair of couples - The “sex positive” orientation of polyamory and its emphasis on allowing relationships to reflect the reality of individual differences and needs also means that polyamory is understood to include the possibility of loving and sexual relationships between people of the same sex as well as people of opposite sexes. Polyamorous relationships can, therefore, be exclusively heterosexual, exclusively homosexual, or bisexual relationships. At the same time, polyamory does not include mere casual sex with many partners, as having multiple relationships is understood to be about much more than just sex and lust alone is not sufficient to sustain such relationships. Thus, the fundamental value of polyamory is relationship, particularly loving relationships
Thus, My husband and my cousin loving each other and me and my cousin's wife loving each other does not mean that we should be having sex each other and we can remain hetrosexual
Urmila

actually I have not fully read that paper since it is fairly long one and needs repeated reading to study and grasp the contents. but as soon as i came across this paragraph i was just too pleased and thought i should share it
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  #10  
Old 03-03-2012, 09:57 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Absolutely. You can be asexual and poly too, for that matter. If you want to use a more detailed label in a description of your relationship, you could maybe call it an emotional quad if you want, where everyone loves everyone, but that it no way means everyone has to SLEEP with everyone. Sexually I suppose it would be a series of V's- each man with either woman and each woman with either man, but what does or doesn't go on in the bedrooms isn't really anyone's business anyway, except maybe your doctor's.
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