Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 02-29-2012, 12:13 AM
tachycardia's Avatar
tachycardia tachycardia is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 48
Default

It certainly doesn't help, but the way it's been going it wouldn't matter either way.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 02-29-2012, 05:56 AM
onoma onoma is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tachycardia View Post
Are we from a different generation? I met each of them on OKC, wherein they all answered the match questions saying that they expect it would take one to two dates to be sexually intimate with someone they really like.

Also, I spent fifteen hours over a week with the one I'm super into before we went to bed. You really don't think that's enough?

I'm considering asking my doctor for a scrip, but I doubt he'd give me one since I'm fine at home.

TL;DR version
I've gone through this too, and here is my advice:

1) You need to relax and get out of your head
2) Don't let yourself worry that it will happen, worrying is what makes it happen
3) You need more time with these new women to trust them, and feel comfortable with them.
4) A scrip may not help. If you are mentally turned off drugs just don't help you much. I have never successfully had sex with viagara, levitra, etc... but have learned to do so without them.
5) Find a sex therapist, they can help.



Longer, slightly rambling but hopefully helpful version:


Ok, I stopped here. I can weigh in bigtime, as I share your issue.

The first three times I tried to have sex I failed miserably, and those times were years apart. It's not age or health issues or anything. A scrip really might not help. I got one for Viagara and it didn't help. Levitra seemed more effective, but honestly when I was with a woman (my current girlfriend) it didn't help. Nerves got in the way, you just can't feel sexual if you're nervous.

It builds, it's a vicious cycle. You get that thought: "What if it doesn't work this time." Then it doesn't work, you aren't in the moment, you aren't enjoying the feel of her body... you're worrying that you're broken.

Think back, did this happen with your wife when you first had sex with her? What got you over the issue? Betting it wasn't that you were suddenly older... but that you felt comfortable with her. You knew that if something went wrong she'd be ok with it. Right? That counts for a lot.

Honestly I still have the problem sometimes. I'll get that thought, that initial seed of doubt and it grows and it takes over. Sometimes, when this happens, we just cuddle for a bit and talk and joke and whatever and the worry goes away and you get aroused again and you can go for it.

I guess what I'm saying is that you probably aren't comfortable enough with these new women. You just said you're really worried about things going wrong with her, right? That's what's stopping you. So what if she's ready after 2 dates? You aren't. You just aren't. She'll wait. She might even find you more intriguing for not going for it right away. Wait until you feel safe with her.

I really feel your pain. I passed it off the first couple times too, not as an age thing but as bad situations... or even not being attracted to the girl. I held that myth until, in my early thirties, I had my first few real dates and brought a girl home. Conditions were perfect, I liked the girl and we were in my bedroom. It didn't work, and the next day she dumped me... I didn't feel like living. But I moved on, I talked to a sex therapist and she taught me a lot of what I'm telling you.

The reality is that something about sex subconsciously scares you. When you don't feel safe and secure, and you don't with these women you barely know, that fear rears it's ugly head.

You'll be fine, but give it time. Most of all you need to relax. I literally can't let myself think of anything or I'll lose it. I need to just let myself feel what's going on. My girlfriend asks me sometimes if I fantasize about someone else while we're having sex, and I honestly tell her I can't. If I try, my mind starts to take over and my body loses out. You need to quiet your mind and let yourself just experience what's going on. Meditation probably helps with that, but I've never been able to manage it so not really sure...

You might want to also look up a sex therapist in your area. He or she will be able to help you.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 02-29-2012, 06:06 AM
onoma onoma is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dia View Post
I just want to chime in and say that I don't assume your issue has anything to do with somehow mentally not being on board with poly.

When I was single and dating a few years ago, I started having sex with a guy who seemed into me but similarly couldn't seem to maintain an erection. At first we thought it might have to do with not being used to condoms, but eventually we stopped using them, as neither of us was seeing anyone else, and it still didn't fix the problem. He too had recently been in a long term monogamous relationship (8 years).

Anyway, one thing I noticed was that in the morning, I could wake him up with a blowjob or something and maybe the unexpectedness of just getting down to it like that defeated whatever anxiety was going on because... it worked out in the AM

So maybe work on ways to avert the anxiety circuit by having sex in more *unexpected* ways?


Read a couple more posts and was reminded of a couple more things:

1) condoms are a problem for me. Not because of the condom itself, but usually the interruption of trying to get it out of the package and put it on.
2) The first couple times I successfully had sex were first thing in the morning. Your mind hasn't quite kicked on yet, giving your libido the advantage I think.
3) One success probably won't help you. I kept thinking that too, and my therapist kept telling me otherwise. Considering it still happens sometimes, I have to admit I was wrong.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 03-01-2012, 05:46 AM
tachycardia's Avatar
tachycardia tachycardia is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 48
Default

Thanks for sharing, onoma!

It looks like our experiences are definitely similar in spirit if possibly different in focus. The way you describe your fear resonates with me. By the way you describe your "doubt," I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess you have OCD.

I don't think I'm fearful of sex, but I am fearful of social interaction. I'm 99% sure I have Asperger's syndrome. I suppose sex is the ultimate social interaction, but since it's relatively straightforward, it's far less nerve wracking than small talk, flirting, navigating the approach to more intimate conversation, decoding signals of receptivity, etc. Then, when I'm interested in someone, I get limerent over nothing, start obsessing about reciprocation, and scare the living daylights out of her with bizzare gestures.

Feeling socially inferior has as a long history with me because I skipped second grade, and always felt like an outcast or behind my peers. This sort of all came to a head when I started college engaged to my high school girlfriend who moved to the opposite coast simply because I couldn't deal with breaking up. I wanted to start something with a girl or two at my school, but was usually oblivious to their signals, had little interest in meaningless sex, and couldn't bring myself to be deceptive.

After a concert at the student union at which I had extemporaneously dropped acid, I had this epiphany that everyone was looking for someone to screw, that they were tuned into this social energy which was lost on me, that I was going to spend the next six loopy hours and the rest of my undergraduate days alone, and that I had to end it with my fiance. I don't remember much else because I almost died from grand mal seizures and respiratory arrest, and woke up to tubes being pulled out of my throat and urethra in the ICU.

I haven't really put this all behind me, and the desire to grow beyond it is a big movtivation for my pursuit of polyamory. Of course I am fearful. I guess what I'm doing now isn't that healthy either, though, because I'm probably trying to be someone I'm not and feigning being DTF. Maybe I was too quick to dismiss everyone's advice that I take things more slowly.

Eee gads. Hopefully I've buried this all far down enough in this thread so it never sees the light of day after the thread goes cold.

Anyway, I have some more comments on what you said below.

Quote:
1) You need to relax and get out of your head
2) Don't let yourself worry that it will happen, worrying is what makes it happen
3) You need more time with these new women to trust them, and feel comfortable with them.
4) A scrip may not help. If you are mentally turned off drugs just don't help you much. I have never successfully had sex with viagara, levitra, etc... but have learned to do so without them.
5) Find a sex therapist, they can help.
1) LOL
2) Yeah, but worrying that I'm going to worry about it is just as bad. Honestly, I've really just accepted the fact that it will happen, and don't really worry about it, since I know it will end eventually. But that acceptance produces the same result.
3) Gotcha
4) I am definitely not turned off. This seems like exactly the situation where the placebo effect would work wonders, too. However, I suppose you speak from experience.
5) If that becomes necessary, I think I'll just see a pro domme and keep fucking my wife.

Quote:
you're worrying that you're broken.
Don't really have that about the physical issue, but mentally, yes.

Quote:
Think back, did this happen with your wife when you first had sex with her? What got you over the issue? Betting it wasn't that you were suddenly older... but that you felt comfortable with her.
Very interesting, because I got together with my wife not long after the acid trip, and we were only together for a week or two before I was sent home for the semester. Yes, I did have difficulties during some of our first encounters, and I suppose I felt quite comfortable after talking to her on the phone every day for months. Maybe you're right.

Quote:
I guess what I'm saying is that you probably aren't comfortable enough with these new women. You just said you're really worried about things going wrong with her, right? That's what's stopping you. So what if she's ready after 2 dates? You aren't. You just aren't. She'll wait. She might even find you more intriguing for not going for it right away. Wait until you feel safe with her.
I get the comfort idea now, but I don't feel unready. If anything I appreciate the opportunity to give her pleasure other ways because, while I feel more behind my peers than ever when it comes to dating, that is not the case with sex. I feel that snuggling and basking in her afterglow is just as valuable a step toward getting comfortable as going on a half-dozen dates and getting dumped because I bore her. I have enjoyed it, and so have they, so what's the harm? Honestly, getting kinky with it and having her and her boyfriend humiliate me for my impotence sounds incredibly erotic, although likely impossible because it would probably give me a raging hard-on. Isn't flooding a good idea anyway? If jumping in the sack is going to get in the way of establishing a relationship, that might be a problem, but maybe that's good riddance to bad rubbish. Or if I get really attached and find out I mean nothing to her, that might be a problem, but part of why I'm getting out there is to get scraped up a little anyway.

Last edited by tachycardia; 03-01-2012 at 03:57 PM. Reason: God, look at the fucking thing. I have a feeling I will be editing it well through the twelfth hour...
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 03-02-2012, 05:05 AM
Precious1 Precious1 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 34
Default On the recieving end (or not as the case may be now & then)

As far as ED issues, it seems to be an issue more for my partner than for me. Heck, I have better orgasms with him when we are fully clothed than I had with many partners. Even when Mr Happy isn't cooperative I am never left unsatisfied. Honestly, I think in his case it is/was a self-perpetuating anxiety issue. He had a physical, and we did agree on pharmaceuticals simply for ease of condom use.. but since fluid bonding I really don't care. These days I can't even tell when he takes it or not, and frankly could care less.
In all honesty the ED "issues" early in our relationship probably did more to benefit me in being comfortable NOT chasing his orgasm as a goal and in my being able to focus more on the pleasure I was getting. WOW, what a difference that made to me!

If it doesn't bother your partner, don't let it bother you.
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 03-02-2012, 06:01 AM
tachycardia's Avatar
tachycardia tachycardia is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 48
Default

Quote:
If it doesn't bother your partner, don't let it bother you.
Right? Although, while I'm not bothered yet, I'm sure it will bother me eventually if it doesn't abate.

Last edited by tachycardia; 03-02-2012 at 02:27 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 03-03-2012, 02:40 AM
Songbird Songbird is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New England, US
Posts: 8
Default

Y'know, if you enjoy the snuggling, foreplay, and non-penetrative sex that much, you might try just saying so explicitly. A lot of women would get pretty excited about that (not all, but many).

I also think the awkwardness and the ED are separable. The more you get comfortable just telling these women what's up with you, the greater the chance that they will accept it and work with it, maybe even enjoy your focus on their pleasure. If communication is its own challenge for you then maybe work on that & practice what you want to say about it.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 03-03-2012, 04:58 AM
tachycardia's Avatar
tachycardia tachycardia is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 48
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Songbird View Post
I also think the awkwardness and the ED are separable. The more you get comfortable just telling these women what's up with you, the greater the chance that they will accept it and work with it, maybe even enjoy your focus on their pleasure. If communication is its own challenge for you then maybe work on that & practice what you want to say about it.
Good point. Up 'till now I'd just been hoping it wouldn't happen the next time, but I guess I can give that up. Also, I'd thought it would be better received after demonstrating that we could have fun without intercourse. But I guess I could communicate that with words prior to actions. I make sure to talk about STI risk before we give it a go, so I suppose whenever that happens would be as good a time as any. If it were you, would you prefer to find out beforehand or after I'd already got you off?

I guess I honestly don't know what type of stimulation I would especially enjoy receiving on a first sexual encounter if my junk isn't up to it. I mean I can think of a lot of creative things I would love, but those aren't really suitable for the first time.

Last edited by tachycardia; 03-03-2012 at 05:10 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 03-05-2012, 03:22 AM
Songbird Songbird is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New England, US
Posts: 8
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tachycardia View Post
I'd thought it would be better received after demonstrating that we could have fun without intercourse. But I guess I could communicate that with words prior to actions. I make sure to talk about STI risk before we give it a go, so I suppose whenever that happens would be as good a time as any. If it were you, would you prefer to find out beforehand or after I'd already got you off?
If it were me, I'd rather know ahead of time about anything that is otherwise going to inhibit my partner or make him anxious. If he is anxious about something that can make me less relaxed, and if neither of us says anything about the vibe, it can lead to a not-so-great sexual experience.

One of my two lovers now has ED actually, and he told me before we be got intimate. I appreciate that he did.
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 03-05-2012, 09:52 AM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 713
Default

My new boyfriend has some problems with ED. In his case they seem to be related mostly to his weight. He's working on losing a few kilos, and I must say I'm looking forward to the day it all starts working again. I think I would have preferred to know in advance that there might be issues because I tend to blame myself if it doesn't all go as planned.

Despite the lack of penetrative sex I find my intimate time with him absolutely mind-blowing, albeit with a side order of frustrating. I tend to enjoy myself a lot more if my partner "gets there" too, and in his case that doesn't happen often.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I guess I know why I avoid answering OKC sex based questions...
I answer them privately so the matching algorithm can use the data but nobody is going to develop any false expectations based on my answers.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
erectile dysfunction, sexual dysfunction

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:27 AM.