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  #121  
Old 04-19-2014, 01:10 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Your thoughts on this are well spoken.

Do you have a link to the discussion on ethics?

I'm in agreement that I see exceptions, but what eventually stood out to me is that they are exactly that...exceptions. I asked BF about the poly couples/families/groups he knows in real life...who aren't posting on forums looking for help. He first told me they're all happy. As we dug into details, I found that in truth, he only knows two others in poly marriages, and, on more thought, added, and actually, one of them is having trouble.

My personal belief is that his own marriage is nowhere near so happy, perfect, and rock solid as he tells me it is. The fact he seems to have entered a long depression and be quite unhappy with his life only adds to that impression.
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  #122  
Old 04-19-2014, 03:37 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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I'm not on here to doom polyamory. It does work, and wonderfully. Most of my problems with Cinder stem from personality traits that exist all the time in any relationship. I look forward to being in relationships with others that have the same good intentions as I. We don't have to fuck people over to survive. I hope you find that beautiful place. I have not lost hope, far from it. I look forward to the present and the future. We create what we want in this life, I really do believe that. I'm looking forward to meeting the people to do it with, and in some ways I already have
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  #123  
Old 04-19-2014, 06:20 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Do you have a link to the discussion on ethics?
It is here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69529
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  #124  
Old 04-19-2014, 06:35 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elemental View Post
I'm not on here to doom polyamory. It does work, and wonderfully. Most of my problems with Cinder stem from personality traits that exist all the time in any relationship.
It's good to hear that you are feeling positive about life.

I very much agree with you that difficult personality traits can exist in any relationship but I think you see them most often in romantic partnerships (or in families).

I have several friends who were once poly. None of them are any more - mostly due to the struggles of trying to balance having a life with having multiple relationships. They probably make up roughly 10% of my friends. I have lots of friends who are in mono relationships - some of those are happy, others not so much so. These are probably 80% of my friends. Then I have another 10% or so of friends who are single and have been for years. All bar 1 of these people are happy with their life.

The single people by far in my life are the happiest group. I was very happy when I was part of that group too.

I say often to my partner that being his partner is a tiny bit better than being single. He tells me that he's glad that he knows about my feelings on romantic partnerships or he might feel a little insulted.

I wish you lots of luck in building a life that is perfect for you.

I'm already living a life that is perfect for me and hope to hold onto it for as long as possible. I take time out very frequently to think about and appreciate how very lucky I am to be able to experience this.

IP
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  #125  
Old 04-20-2014, 03:29 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I know I sound like I'm very down on poly relationships but I don't think it's that. I'm suspicious of romantic relationships in general. Any where people might refer to each other as romantic partners in some way I think are things to be cautious of.

I started feeling this way about mono relationships - because that was all that I knew at the time. I notice that they are hard work for the people involved. I feel the effort myself now that I am having a mono relationship. I consider the work to be worthwhile but still - my romantic relationship takes up more time, thought and emotional energy than any of the others in my life. I know that I'm not alone in this. The notion that these relationships take work and effort is pretty much universally accepted.

I have a close relationship with a being who isn't even human. C and I can't speak the same language. He enjoys doing things that I don't have the sensory apparatus to even perceive. And yet I find my relationship with him to be less work than any romantic relationship I've ever been in.

The stats around how badly romantic relationships go wrong are shocking. One in four women experience domestic violence at some point in their lives. (http://www.nationaldomesticviolenceh...-violence.aspx) Men experience it too and they aren't even included in that statistic. When women are murdered the most likely person to kill them is either their current partner or an ex partner (from The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

This stuff is so common place that it barely gets talked about. What tends to happen, in my experience, is that abused people are seen as being individually responsible due to bad decision making and the abusers are similarly seen as individual bad apples who may be able to be helped through drug therapy or counselling.

I could believe that if it was just an occasional thing but it isn't. Serious violence in romantic relationships is common and so also are lesser struggles to communicate and feelings of resentment etc. This is a weird thing to happen in a species who live closely together and need social contact with each other.

I think that romantic relationships are an odd way of relating to each other. I think they tend to breed this sort of thing. If they didn't, people would find them easier and they just don't.

I had thought, on hearing about poly that it might make the difference. Maybe the problem is just having one romantic relationship? Maybe being free to have more than one would solve this issue.

It seems that it doesn't. There are so many stories on here of people struggling regularly, being lied to, cheated on and controlled. Plus some really frightening tales of abuse crop up every so often.

If poly worked better, I'd expect to see way less of these and way more success stories - especially given that the people writing here are mostly committed to poly and want to be successful.

So this makes me think that my initial assumption about romantic relationships is more likely to be correct - they are just a weird and difficult way to go about things.

I know that I am in one - and I'm happy to be so (I can't take my socialisation out of myself and there is a big part of me that sees this sort of relationship as a good, normal thing). Still - given my deep suspicion about the wisdom of being in romantic relationships at all, it seems to me a better idea to stick to one of them. One is enough risk, work and effort. And joy and love and all the happy stuff too.

Multiplying it into more than one seems to me to be a bad idea given the issues with romantic relationships.


I think I'm neither mono or poly really.

IP
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