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  #91  
Old 05-16-2013, 03:38 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Thanks for posting & keeping up with this blog. I really enjoy your perspective. I liked what you had to say about having multiple dogs vs. having an "only" dog, and how you can think about multiple romantic relationships with humans in a similar way.
Thank you.

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But my friend got right back into dating--and not casual dating, but dating with the specific intent to find another serious live-in partner.
It is really interesting, isn't it - how some people are able to keep going and others need time to process. An ex and I were together for 10 years. Formative years for us - we bought our first homes together, graduated, got our first cars, serious jobs, pets. Shared loads and loads.

When we split up, he had a new serious girlfriend within a few months (he is married to her now and they have a child together). As much as I couldn't understand why he would want to do so, I was supportive of his new relationship - I didn't want him to be lonely and sad.

Things were completely different for me. I did grieve for a while but then was exploring other things and wasn't keen to get back into a romantic relationship. I find them immensely time and energy consuming - this isn't a criticism - I think that any serious long term relationship is worthy of time and effort if you do them right. It's just that at the time, I had other things I wanted to spend my time and energy on.

I for sure need time to think and process and maybe explore other things - at least that's the way it's been for me so far in life.

IP
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  #92  
Old 05-16-2013, 03:43 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
Very sorry if this is a silly thing to say on your personal blog, IP...
Not at all a silly thing. In fact, talking about love for non-humans and worries over death seems very appropriate here. It's mostly what I've been talking about this year.

I don't think you're putting a downer on things so I don't think there is anything to fix.

Good to hear from you, Somegeezer.

IP
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  #93  
Old 05-17-2013, 06:14 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
Not at all a silly thing. In fact, talking about love for non-humans and worries over death seems very appropriate here. It's mostly what I've been talking about this year.

I don't think you're putting a downer on things so I don't think there is anything to fix.

Good to hear from you, Somegeezer.

IP
In that case, I could add more.

A fair few pets from my childhood, that I remember. 2 cats I had. Brothers. One named Kat [original!] and the other, Tyke [2 meanings in English slang. 1) Child, 2) Someone from Yorkshire].

Some time when I was incredibly young. 5 or under, most certainly. Kat was run over. Came home badly injured, and died through the night. Tyke, only months after, let outside one night, and had presumeably run off. =[

On a slightly more happy note, a dog I had for many years, Shauna, a border collie. She had to move away when I moved to this house, I believe. She was pretty old then as it was. Been in my family longer than I was at the time, I think. But it was sad to see her go. She went to a new home with an owner who had her own golden retriever. So I like to imagine she had a friend to play with for a while in her last few years. =]

My current and only pet, is my cat Mitzie. I think she loves me most in the house, because I give her all the attention. She's always trying to sneak into my room, to steal my bed.
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  #94  
Old 06-09-2013, 04:46 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Your cat sounds lovely. I think it's so good to have important relationships with non-humans.

I have been having a busy and interesting time lately. Much of it connecting with a new friend of mine - we travelled to a weekend conference together in for a subject that we are both professionally involved with at the end of May and then I spent a large chunk of last weekend at her house. Felt very good. My friend and I met professionally but over time have become friends which is something I'm very happy about.

Another friend of mine joined us for the conference and it was lovely to see both of my friends get on so well together.

I have also managed some time with another friend who has become incredibly busy through her work and is finding it increasingly difficult to maintain friendships - she's just too busy at work. I think the world of her and she was incredibly supportive during the time my dad was dying so it felt lovely to spend time with her.

Today I caught up with one of my oldest friends who is similarly always busy at work and is training for a marathon in her spare time. We both make an enormous effort to keep our friendship going because it is so important to us.

And I was at a second 2 day conference with my SO - subject that interests me but that he is professionally involved with. I was a bit concerned about it because it was stuff I don't know much about and I worried that either I'd be left on my own lots or that my presence would ruin it for my SO because he would feel that he had to look after me.

Thankfully that didn't happen. I managed to find loads of people to talk to. And the folk that my SO was working with were incredibly welcoming and warm toward me so I had a wonderfully interesting time.

C and I have spent loads of time together too recently. Lots of walks, hanging out, lunches and dinners together.

Things are mostly good just now.
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  #95  
Old 06-13-2013, 06:59 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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And this week brings another funeral. Another friend lost suddenly. I have been feeling down about the loss and will be attending the funeral this afternoon.

Underlines, for me, how important it is to do the work to make time for loved ones and to set life up in such a way that it's possible to have time for loved ones.

IP
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  #96  
Old 06-13-2013, 03:11 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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I'm very sorry for your loss, and no, there's never time to waste.
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  #97  
Old 06-13-2013, 07:31 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am terribly sorry for your loss.

You are absolutely right to want to make sure that you set time aside for those that you love. Sending a virtual hug your way.
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  #98  
Old 06-15-2013, 08:11 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Thank you evad and FOL for your kind words.

The funeral was busy with people come to say their last farewells to our friend. He was a sweet man, loved by many and very active in our community.

With each death, I find that I need time to reflect. I stop being able to write and to engage in my own projects.

I spend hours knitting and watching TV and running. But - it all helps and the grief pulls back and then I can carry on.

This year I have seen a real cycle of it. So much loss.

But also so much fun. I have focused lots on being with friends and making plans and those connections and fun times really help. I'm lucky too in having C be there with me, sharing so much of my life and having my SO be so much in love with me.

IP
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  #99  
Old 06-15-2013, 08:31 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I have more to say.

I think often of my old love who died last year. At the last conference I thought of him more. I found myself in a bit of an awkward situation where some mild bullying of others in the group was going on. I found myself dealing with it in a very similar way to what I have seen my old love doing in similar circumstances.

I felt very close to him in that moment and it reminded me how lucky I was to share my life with him for so long.


IP
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  #100  
Old 06-18-2013, 06:49 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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This morning I was writing to RP on her blog and I wanted to continue my thoughts. I was responding to the quote below which is from RP

Quote:
You know what bugs me about poly? When people are struggling and having a hard time they go to find other partners elsewhere to get their needs met and make themselves feel better.
This isn't just about romantic relationships. People do it with dogs too - they have one that just isn't quite what they want. They love the dog but the dog isn't perfect. Maybe it isn't physically capable of doing a sport they want to do or it can't cope with walks in busy places or it doesn't like strangers. Rather than find ways to build that relationship and find other things that the dog can do, sometimes people will add another dog to the household - one that can do whatever it is that they want to do.

Probably it happens with children as well.

I don't get it. It's not how I live and I kind of find it offensive - more now than I ever did. My SO once suggested that rather than work on a problem we were having, it would be fixed if I had an additional romantic partner who could do what he was struggling with. I was furious with him - really offended that he would suggest something like that rather than work on the problem we were having.

The reason is bound up with my old love (who was a dog, remember ). When he was a puppy and a young dog, he was perfect. I could take him anywhere and he just got on with everybody and with other dogs - some of our most fun times were out meeting new people and their dogs and going to classes together. It was just wonderful.

And then he had a horrible experience and he came to mistrust and dislike dogs that he didn't know. Then he was difficult. He would be aggressive toward them. I didn't know what to do to help him and my life became a stressful nightmare. All the things I used to enjoy doing with him were lost to me because he could no longer cope with them.

I could have chosen to allow him to remain like that and to concentrate my energies on finding a new dog without problems and integrating them into the household and then spend fun times with them while finding isolated walks for my old love.

I didn't want to do that - my old love was one of the loves of my life and seeing him so changed was heart breaking. So rather than seek to find what we had lost in another relationship, I worked with him. I changed my life to learn what I needed to know to help him. The rewards for doing so were immense. I learned about love. I gained a new focus, new interests, new work sometimes, new friends. Deciding to work with my old love brought me so much joy (as well as lots of heartache and challenge and change).

Years after he had gotten over the problem, I did of course look for another dog - C. The reason for looking was very different. By then my old love adored other dogs again and was extremely good with them. He was getting older and as much as I wanted the love and companionship of having another dog, I thought also that he would too. And he did. C and he had a bond and a love that lasted until the day he died.

Having been on the journey I went on with my old love, I find the notion of looking for other romantic partners to fill some need that is not being met by an existing partner enormously offensive. I may speak to my SO about this subject - we have an ongoing discussion about poly as he feels very much that it is a good way to live and I remain so far certain that the work entailed in multiple romances isn't something that I want in my life.

IP
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