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  #41  
Old 02-20-2010, 09:14 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Do you know what I find REALLY attractive in someone?

Confidence.

RE: classy caveman -

"polyeatery" HAHA! I almost peed when I read that.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 02-21-2010 at 02:50 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #42  
Old 02-20-2010, 10:06 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Maybe you are mono Vexxed? Maybe it would suit you better to find someone who you love entirely and they love you entirely... a primary perhaps and then invite other love to your life? then there is the possibility of no anxiety and stress where your questions are concerned... of course you will have to give up bringing poly hotties to meetings and having women swoon over you. Or at least let that go until you firm up a primary relationship.

I personally don't think that you have to be in this situation and if you were personally in my life I would not judge you if you wanted to pursue a monogamous relationship. I have lots of friends and most of them are mono and quite happy that way... some of whom decided to open their relationships later some didn't or haven't. it's all good I just hate to see someone settle into just sucking it up... why? when life is short enough as it is and you may just be missing out on a deeper love with someone else.... missing a door opening so to speak.
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  #43  
Old 02-21-2010, 03:40 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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I'm familiar with the term compersion. I feel compersion when it comes to sex. I hope that she is having really good sex with him.

It is tough for me when it comes to the issue of being entertaining, and being fun.

I don't feel like I need to make more money for her to love me. I just feel like I'd be more admirable if I had a more respected career.

I do exercise to maintain my body for my own health, but also because it is one area that I can be attractive in. I watch her admire my body, and I will work hard to keep having a body that is admirable. She also complements me on it.

I want to be in a relationship with a woman that has other partners. I have wanted that for a long time. I may date another woman too, but I'm not going to settle and just have one more girlfriend from the poly group just because I have some open nights on my schedule.

As for what I find attractive in a woman, it isn't just looks alone. She is already aging, has wrinkles, and so on, but I do find her attractive. I tell her with sincerety how pretty I think she is. I still would like to grow old with her. She is an amazing woman in so many ways.

Last edited by Vexxed; 02-21-2010 at 03:52 AM.
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  #44  
Old 02-22-2010, 09:49 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Question How?

I guess being new to this whole thing and it happening through my husband cheating and us coming to terms that this is the next step in our marriage, I am not sure how to avoid comparing myself to his girlfriend.
I have had threesomes with her and him before they messed up and broke the rules that we set. I know she is very good in bed. I know her lifestyle with her own husband is very open and experienced and kinky. I grew up in a very religious monogomous household. I feel very inferior to her sexually. She spends more time with him during the day than I do because they work together. How do you get past the comparing part?
I even compare what he thinks about me to her even though I know that is very bad for the situation.
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  #45  
Old 02-22-2010, 10:49 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ak2381 View Post
How do you get past the comparing part?
I hope I can add 2 cents worth that will cover both concerned posters.
Ceoli and Red Pepper have shared some valuable views. Maybe I can expand on or simplify them. (please forgive me ladies for borrowing your thoughts)

Simple: Relationships are NOT a competition !!!!!
I know there is a whole mentality out there in certain circles of the population that don't seem to grasp this.
But think about it................
How much value are you putting on another human being if they are nothing more than a carnival token - to be won, lost, possessed.
If this is indeed your view of other people then I expect you will have much frustration and heartbreak in your life.

Someone might accuse me of being "old" in this view - out of touch with this 'modern world'. I can only offer you this. This was a discovery I made when I was maybe 16-17 years old. That discovery changed my life from that day forward.

When it seems we have someone who cares for us, I find it better to try to discover what the basis for that is. If it's no more than looks, money,position etc, I'm on my horse and headed the opposite way. FAST ! Anyone as superficial and shallow as that has a disease I'm not willing to expose myself to !

GS
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  #46  
Old 02-22-2010, 11:02 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
I hope I can add 2 cents worth that will cover both concerned posters.
Ceoli and Red Pepper have shared some valuable views. Maybe I can expand on or simplify them. (please forgive me ladies for borrowing your thoughts)

Simple: Relationships are NOT a competition !!!!!
I know there is a whole mentality out there in certain circles of the population that don't seem to grasp this.
But think about it................
How much value are you putting on another human being if they are nothing more than a carnival token - to be won, lost, possessed.
If this is indeed your view of other people then I expect you will have much frustration and heartbreak in your life.

Someone might accuse me of being "old" in this view - out of touch with this 'modern world'. I can only offer you this. This was a discovery I made when I was maybe 16-17 years old. That discovery changed my life from that day forward.

When it seems we have someone who cares for us, I find it better to try to discover what the basis for that is. If it's no more than looks, money,position etc, I'm on my horse and headed the opposite way. FAST ! Anyone as superficial and shallow as that has a disease I'm not willing to expose myself to !

GS

1+ on this.

also if this guy was a idiot I don't think you would be going out an purchasing a "being and idiot for Dummies" look at it this way. If you took him out of the scenario would you still feel the need to change or be better then you are?
if your answer is yes then I commend you to make those changes if the answer is no then keep being you. I mean come on ..... she must like the you, you are right now.
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  #47  
Old 02-23-2010, 09:09 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Question for you. Have talked to anyone in your poly dynamic about this? What I see is a huge inferiority complex that seems to be overwhelming you. He's got a better job and is wittier than you.... and? You're doing a whole lot of if onlys. Its a big waste of your time. Besides working out are you trying to be more than you are? This is time that could be spent with her, the obessing I mean. Have you thought about acts of service while she is on a date with him? How about you spend that time doing one of your creative romantic things for her or for both of them when they return. Rose petals, coffee and desert, or a steaming hot bubble bath. Get out of your head for a while.

Back to the main point of talking with them. My fiance had a similar issue early on. The comparing... and they have nothing in common except for the fact that they both love me and I love the both of them. He was obsessing over it and there was little I could do about it. I listed all the reasons why I love him. It wasn't until he heard from my boyfriend's mouth the talk of my love for him that he started to believe this isn't about him not being good enough. Talk with her boyfriend. Talk with her husband. See things through their eyes. The things you see between them is what YOU see. I bet they would love to hear about the way they effect each other from your eyes annd I bet you would benefit about hearing how you effect her and she you. Maybe it will calm your restlessness.

Another thing. You say she meets all your needs but then you talk of if you had a better career she would admire you more. Maybe she does. Maybe you are blinded by your insecurities. Or maybe without you knowing your insecurities is what is making you less admirable. We all think we can hide things and that we do a good job of it. The truth is everyone around us can sense when something is off. They might not know what exactly it is but it has consequences nonetheless.
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  #48  
Old 02-23-2010, 11:55 PM
dakid dakid is offline
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i just want to pick up something i don't think anyone has yet, amongst all these incredibly wise words in this thread (some of which, by the way, i have copied into my journal because they speak to me so strongly!).

vexxed you mention a few times things that you feel would make you attractive to more women. it just made me think a bit about my own situation (i am suffering some similar insecurities to yours right now, i think). what i came up with was a question - do you (or i) want to be attractive to lots more people, or do you want to be attractive to the lover you have? maybe a bit of both is the answer, but really, deep down what is your priority right now? quality or quantity?

applying it to myself, i come up with that i want to be attractive to him. i want to blow his mind and be the love of his life. fact is, i probably am one of the major loves of his life, and probably that is as good as it gets. i can waste my time competing to be the one as if i am in a disney movie, or i can appreciate the love and passion he does feel for me.

there are millions of people on this planet, and i am never going to be attractive to all of them. i've had people i am not impressed by find me attractive and you know what, i wasn't even flattered. i didn't respect or admire them enough to care what they thought of me. but when someone who matters to me, whose judgement and values i respect, shows an attraction to me, wow! nothing like it. its the best compliment and ego-boost ever. so as long as he remains attracted to me, and wants my company, i resolve to try and appreciate what a piece of luck that is and stop caring what the imaginary majority think of me.

on paper my metamour has all of the qualities i feel i lack, and much more in common with him than i have. however for reasons of his own he chooses to spend time with me even when he could be with her that day. out of respect for his thoughts and feelings i have to assume that this person whose judgement i do respect sees things in me that maybe i don't. i resolve to work on my own self-esteem, not by blindly telling myself i am fabulous but by making the changes i need to make to feel good about myself (eg staying sober and getting fit) and praising myself for what is already good about me.

he isn't perfect either. not every woman on the planet wants to sleep with him, although some do. i always find it hard to understand why everybody of every gender is not falling at his feet, because to me he is super-great, but i guess everyone has their own taste. he says he feels the same about me, and can't understand why their not all falling at my feet. i can't see it myself, but since i know he is not an idiot there must be something attractive about me.

by the way, i have studied evolution and i'd just like to point out a common misconception about darwin's theories, which is often used by right-wing writers and thinkers to justify competition and the idea of only one way of being successful.

darwin described a two part process, essentially. most of us get to hear about the second part - survival of the fittest, but even then without the key component, which darwin talked of as the "fittest for that particular environment in that moment" not as some universal measure of fitness. eg a salmon is the fittest in a fresh water river but would soon die in a desert, where the camel would be fittest. a salmon in a river that dried up would cease to be the fittest for that environment and would die.

the other half of his theory is commonly entirely ignored, and that is the spontaneous mutation part. for there to be evolution there must be a freak born who is different from its parents and the rest of its species. only then does questions of fitness for its surroundings even come into play at all.

x
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  #49  
Old 02-24-2010, 01:48 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dakid View Post

the other half of his theory is commonly entirely ignored, and that is the spontaneous mutation part. for there to be evolution there must be a freak born who is different from its parents and the rest of its species. only then does questions of fitness for its surroundings even come into play at all.

x
Oh my! I L.O.V.E. this! My loves always tend to break the mold and they always consider themselves odd or a "freak of nature" or just "nothing special" hehe but to me.... They are amazing and I want to explore every detail of their beings because the are so beautiful to me. Your whole post hit me like the perfect hallmark card. lol Darwin = Hallmark. Looks like I'm the "freak" as well.
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  #50  
Old 02-24-2010, 04:58 AM
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classycaveman classycaveman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dakid View Post
the other half of his theory is commonly entirely ignored, and that is the spontaneous mutation part. for there to be evolution there must be a freak born who is different from its parents and the rest of its species. only then does questions of fitness for its surroundings even come into play at all.
Ohhh... Dakid... Einstein cautions you: "Things should be made as simple as possible -- but no simpler." Over-simplification can lead to terrible misunderstandings of complicated concepts, and even worse, pseudoscience.

just sayin'.
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