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  #31  
Old 02-20-2010, 05:20 PM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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I know that my income doesn't matter when it comes to getting new dates with women in the poly group. I should have never ventured on the $ argument anyway. Its more about career image that bothers me, and not so much for those poly women. I'm going to be crude, but my level of fitness overrides the fact that I have an unimpressive career.

I'm running in circles now.

If I lower my standards, sure I could surround myself with women that want to date me. That's what it is like at the poly functions. I just don't lower my standards. I admire my girlfriend. I'm not going to date a woman that I'll admire less than her. I won't date another till I meet a woman that I admire equally or more.

Sure, I believe that our attitude/confidence makes us more or less attractive, but I don't think that it completely changes things. I think it is just one variable amongst many others, such as personality, looks, and life situation.
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  #32  
Old 02-20-2010, 05:39 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by Vexxed View Post
I'm going to be crude, but my level of fitness overrides the fact that I have an unimpressive career.
So you're saying that your level of fitness entitles you to status? Wow. Ok. It's pretty clear what your value system is when it comes to attracting people and who you are attracted to. And it's clear that you view yourself as out some people's league in terms of attraction. More power to you for that. Yet your posts seem to indicate a niggling "not enough" feeling, or a feeling that dating is a competition and you have cards stacked against you in that competition. Well, your value system is creating much of that situation. If it works for you, then great. But yet again, it is completely your choice to be in such a situation where you feel outmatched by your metamours.

I chose differently. My metamours are pretty intimidatingly awesome women and I don't feel outmatched at all. I feel happy that I'm included in such great company of people.

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Originally Posted by Vexxed View Post
If I lower my standards, sure I could surround myself with women that want to date me. That's what it is like at the poly functions. I just don't lower my standards. I admire my girlfriend. I'm not going to date a woman that I'll admire less than her. I won't date another till I meet a woman that I admire equally or more.
What exactly are your "standards" that you see as subject to keeping or lowering? I'm guessing they have a lot to do with status, career, and looks. If that's what makes a great relationship for you, then great.

I'm sure you're not implying that my change of outlook involved lowering my standards. Because I found it to be quite the opposite. I used to view people as "out of my league" and found out quite happily that with a change of perspective, that wasn't the case at all. And my standards are pretty high at this point. And I still don't find the issues you're talking about.

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Originally Posted by Vexxed View Post
Sure, I believe that our attitude/confidence makes us more or less attractive, but I don't think that it completely changes things. I think it is just one variable amongst many others, such as personality, looks, and life situation.
I happen to think attitude is the biggest variable and the variable that exerts the most force on all of the other variables.

Last edited by Ceoli; 02-20-2010 at 05:41 PM.
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  #33  
Old 02-20-2010, 06:07 PM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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I'm sorry. I may have been implying that you might have lowered your standards. I was wrong for that.

Surely, none of the other guys in the group that I've seen would intimidate me as a metamour. Maybe they would make me evaluate myself now and then, but I'd probably feel like I do towards her husband, I offere a balanced amount of benefits.

Truly, it is my choice to stay as his metamour, but I will not stop dating her due to this anxiety. I'm just going to grin and bear it.

I really do feel that I have a high date worthy value in the poly group. She met there, and saw me with that confidence. She still does see me with that confidence at the fucntions. When I'm alone and thinking about my metamour is when I'm not confident.

Last edited by Vexxed; 02-20-2010 at 06:10 PM.
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  #34  
Old 02-20-2010, 06:09 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Truly, it is my choice to stay as his metamour, but I will stop dating her due to this anxiety. I'm just going to grin and bear it.
You seem to be missing my point. It is your choice to carry such anxiety over things like that.
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  #35  
Old 02-20-2010, 06:12 PM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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Yes, I've heard it said that no one can make you feel a ceratain way, and that you choose how you feel. I don't buy that totally. Sure, we can choose to an extent, but shouldn't the reality of a situation make feeling a certain way justifiable sometimes?

I meant that I will "not" end my relationship with her due to this anxiety. I left out "not". It's fixed now.

Last edited by Vexxed; 02-20-2010 at 06:15 PM.
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  #36  
Old 02-20-2010, 06:44 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Originally Posted by Vexxed View Post
Sure, we can choose to an extent, but shouldn't the reality of a situation make feeling a certain way justifiable sometimes?
People are capable of rationalizing just about anything. Whether you rationalize your situation as you are, or you choose to rationalize it in the way Ceoli suggests, or some other way, is your choice.
How you choose to view things will alter your perception of the situation, and perception becomes reality.
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  #37  
Old 02-20-2010, 07:30 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
People are capable of rationalizing just about anything. Whether you rationalize your situation as you are, or you choose to rationalize it in the way Ceoli suggests, or some other way, is your choice.
How you choose to view things will alter your perception of the situation, and perception becomes reality.
Imaginary, who authorized you to read my thoughts and post them?
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  #38  
Old 02-20-2010, 07:38 PM
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Imaginary, who authorized you to read my thoughts and post them?
This is starting to get spooky isn't it?
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  #39  
Old 02-20-2010, 07:55 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Just been following along here ...

Vexxed... I feel for you my friend... I can't imagine the pressure you might be feeling to think that you are only worthy if you keep your looks and muscles and make money and have a better career... WOW, such pressure.

There are some good looking guys in our poly group here and might I just say that yes, they are nice to look at and I have been attracted to them on the surface. Now that I know them and have socialized with them I have no attraction. They are my friends sure, but the weight of their personalities out weigh the weight of their good looks in my eyes.

I have had several long term partners in my years and we have grown old together. I still know a lot of them. I can tell you that I love all of them more now that they are starting to get saggy, and baggy, but rich in character.

I think we have become far too obsessed with young, taut and good looking. The richness of someones personality and sense of self far outweighs any looks for anyone who has experienced deep meaningful relationships.

It sounds like your idea about ideal partners and who you are as an ideal partner is skewed toward surface level, superficialness. In my opinion, people are never going to reach any depth with anyone if they believe that the sum of their worth come downs to their looks etc.... Again, working on what is inside you might just move you forward into being appreciated for who you really are.
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  #40  
Old 02-20-2010, 09:12 PM
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I think we have become far too obsessed with young, taut and good looking. The richness of someones personality and sense of self far outweighs any looks for anyone who has experienced deep meaningful relationships.
Hmm... Maybe, but I still like 'em taut. ;-)

Vexxed, I don't know if there's much else to say. You mentioned that anxiety is the problem, you feel anxious when they go out together, I assume because they are having a good time and you don't want her to have a better time with him than she does with you. Do you know what compersion is? It's being happy that someone else is happy. This is part of polyamory.

I like Chocolate. I like Pizza. Enjoying time with Pizza doesn't make me enjoy time with Chocolate any less. I think it would be pretty silly if Chocolate felt anxious about me eating Pizza because Pizza doesn't do the same things for me that Chocolate does. Ok fine, I admit that if I could only have one, I'd choose Pizza, but I don't have to. That's what's great about polyeatery.

I think what's wrong here is that you're still thinking in a monogamy mindset, where you have to be everything your partner needs. With polyamory, you don't. You can be the things you are, and let her meet the rest of her needs with someone else. Accept it, and embrace it, and be happy that she's having fun, even when it's with someone else.
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