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  #11  
Old 02-21-2012, 04:56 PM
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LadyNiah8504 LadyNiah8504 is offline
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I am on new meds as well as recieving help. I have group therapy now twice a week, I will see my counselor once a week, and along with seeing a psychiatrist and my primary doctor once a month. And thank you for your advice and input. It helps me have some clairity in the situation.

As far as the actual relationship between my husband and I has greatly improved after we got back together. We are completely honest with each other on how we feel about everything. We both have discussed getting "couples therapy", we've just had alot of schedule issues.

Since I have gone back to college (I did have to withdrawl this semester due to the mental breakdown) it's been more challenging. I know that this is basically an excuse, but it really is the truth. There hasn't been anything discussed like that since before I went into the hospital.

But there have been improvements in other areas, like before I had trouble showing him how I really felt. We would go days without even hugging, but I somehow thought everything was still ok. I know what happened there and have been working on it.

And I have explained to him exactly how I feel, he is just frustrated with me. I can understand why, simply because when the new year started I gave the green light on opening up ( I thought I was ok with it) but when he went out with some friends from work, that's when it started to hit me. I was/am terrified of losing him again.

I know that sounds so silly and childish, but I have been in love with him since I was 16. (Ok I just realized I did my math wrong, we've known each other for 11 years, not 12. Math is not my strong point) He was there as a friend while I was in an abusive relationship, and he has been helping me try to put myself back together ever since.

Sorry again for such a long reply, I just prefer to lay the facts out correctly. This is just because I am a terrible liar.
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  #12  
Old 02-21-2012, 07:02 PM
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I don't see why he thinks he should get to jump the gun just to have sex with someone. Sorry, it just seems a bit childish to me. It seems self centered. Where is his consideration, his empathy, compassion for your situation.

I would put off all non-monogamous adventures until you have a solid foundation. Look at the threads tagged "foundations" and "lessons" here for some ideas on what that looks like.

If he is so clueless to ask for this NOW then to me you have a lot of work to do. I would suggest getting on the couples therapy. To me he's totally out of it.

I hear that you've loved him forever but that does not a good relationship make. I love my ex-girlfriend from my 20's, but that doesn't mean we work well together. I think you need a lot more to go on than that. A hell of a lot more.
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-21-2012 at 08:27 PM.
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  #13  
Old 02-21-2012, 07:25 PM
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I am new to this arena of life, but am an "old hand", if you will, at interacting with people in your situation (mental health wise). I agree with everyone who says get the help that you need first.

You have to be good/at peace/happy with you before you can truly make someone else happy just for the sake of them being happy. I read that you were getting help, stick with it. Get yourself happy and healthy first, then worry about him.

Good luck!
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  #14  
Old 02-21-2012, 10:55 PM
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LadyNiah8504 LadyNiah8504 is offline
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He really isn't the one to blame here. If I am making it seem that way, I will apologize profusely. Yes our relationship has been rocky, but then all relationships have that at one point or another. He is the father of my children, as well as the father to our future child. (I'm not pregnant right now). But the point is that we have been through hell and back, and still survived.

Along with the fact that his mother is even more fucked up than I am, he kinda knows how the situation goes.

When we first started dating, he knew that I wasn't ok. He supported me in every way he could. But being I was the person who rejected all the help given from anyone, it wasn't easy for him.

His frustration is that he feels like an ass. He had set up some night to hook up, and my mental breakdown ruined that. It's kinda hard to explain to someone about how your wife was admitted to the mental health floor of the hospital. And this girl is caught right in the middle of it. He feels like he broke a promise to her, (something he doesn't like to do), and he feels guilty for needing to have more than just me.

He has agreed to wait on doing anything with outsiders until I have been stablized in every aspect. This means it will happen after attending several months of group therapy, doctor visits, and any adjustments to my medications, etc.

I am just trying to prepare myself and have as much information that can be given on this subject. I do understand that one can be in love with multiple people, having dealt with it from him as well as myself. (I was in love with my best friend for a few years.) Please don't blame him for this. It was not his intention to make me feel like I did/do.
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  #15  
Old 02-21-2012, 11:34 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Stop worrying about what anyone here thinks of your husband. We all are experienced enough to realize that there are two sides to every story. If you feel burdened or afraid, or whatever, and express your feelings about certain circumstances in your relationship, it isn't automatic that we (all random strangers to you, answering posts on a message board) will view him as a "bad guy." Someone even mentioned inviting him here to read your thread and post, so we can get his side.

However, it does seem rather insensitive or selfish on his part to be pushing for a poly situation just one week after you were released from the hospital for a suicide attempt. Still, though we may say that this seems like a selfish act on his part, it doesn't necessarily mean we think he's a bad guy. Everyone can be selfish sometimes, everyone can feel like they've had enough of a situation and act in a way that is not caring toward others. We know he is human.

What is more of a concern is how much attention you are placing on what we think of him. You seem very focused on defending him, much more than discussing how you can take care of yourself. You are so worried about making him happy. How can you make yourself happy?
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  #16  
Old 02-22-2012, 12:26 AM
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Agreed nycindie. Your concerns here seem really wonky to me. I am confused as to why you would even worry about him and his sex hook up. It was just sex, she will live, he will live, fuck, people live through shit... but you, it seems, might not. I am floored that anything is a concern to you over and above your mental health.

Look, he is a person. He is human. We are all human here. Everyone knows what its like to be human. We all do and say stupid stuff from time to time and traumatize others without even knowing it. I am sure, if he is a decent person, that he can put aside his carnal needs for you be mentally healthy. At least for a time while you heal. If he can't then I would suggest that he is not the man for you any more.

It sounds like you are so in need of him to be your EVERYTHING that you are forgetting that NO one is your everything. No one ever can be... only you can be to yourself. Our only hope in life, as far as I am concerned is that others will want to share their lives with me and allow me to share their lives with them. I am the only one that is my everything.
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  #17  
Old 02-22-2012, 02:40 AM
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All of this is a result of how severe and deep seated my depression is. We just spent 2 hours talking, and he figured out that I have this need to put him on the highest pedastal. Because in my eyes, I will never be worth half of what he is. Sorry that I've taken up so much of your time.
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Niah/me: 26 Bi female, married to Kail: 26 Bi male, Thing 1: our oldest child, Thing 2: the trouble maker, Thing 3: the baby/bun in the oven


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  #18  
Old 02-22-2012, 07:00 AM
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Having been with someone before that had severe psychological issues, sometimes the only functional comfort is someone else. It's not personal, it's at best a momentary escape from high levels of stress and pain with a side-serving of personal affections.

Also having been the someone else for someone who was dealing with a long-term partner going thru a lengthy and rocky process of treatment for extreme issues with psychological difficulties (due to drugs) I can attest that when the other partner seeks out attentions from outside the relationship calling it "sex", it's very rarely the intercourse they need, it's the afterglow. It's someone to listen and lie and tell them everything will be alright.

Dealing with someone else's demons is a special level of hell, double so when it's the demons of someone else you share deep feelings for.

Durring such; a lot of people end up reaching out for that outside support, and usually it can have very painful consiquences for the partners going thru the struggle. So I would advise against such actions on either side of the equation. But see and address what the behavior actually is a symptom of.
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  #19  
Old 02-22-2012, 10:27 PM
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LadyNiah8504 LadyNiah8504 is offline
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I really am sorry for how I was acting. I have a tendency of "having my hackles" go up when I don't like what is being said about a loved one. Been doing that since I was a kid. Clearly I have a lot of mental issues.

At least I can say that insanity runs in the family

He and I did talk a lot last night and today, and he apologized for pressuring me. I kinda interpreted to be pressuring. I guess the tendency to start catostrophising is something I really need to work on.

But thank you everyone for trying to help. Yes you all might be as nycindie put it "all random strangers to you, answering posts on a message board", but you are still someone who was willing to take the time and wanting to help.

I do look forward to befriending any and all on here (since I only have 2 actual supportive friends in real life).

Really, thank you for making the effort. It just proves that the world really isn't out to get me.
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