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Old 08-05-2015, 12:03 AM
Pond76 Pond76 is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Default poly and need some advice

Hello. I'm new here and could use some advice. I'll give some background information first. I apologize now for the lengthy post...
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and poly for 3. For many years we were having communication issues. If one of us was unhappy about something, we would get upset and grumpy but not discuss it. I would get mad because he wasnt helping with chores, kids, etc. I felt like I didn't have a partner. Whenever I was mad about something, he would go upstairs and "hide" from me and play games on the computer. If he was mad about something, he just wouldn't say anything. Finally, 3 1/2 years ago, he told me he was unhappy. For several nights following that admission, we argued, cried, talked about divorce... We did not want to get a divorce because we have two kids, now 10 and 7, and we truly did love each other. We felt like we could fix what was wrong. I suggested we try open marriage. He said no at first. Two weeks later, he came to me and said he changed his mind. He said that there was someone at work he was interested in. So, I said ok. He started seeing her and I joined OKC. For about 7 months he continued to see her, I'll refer to her as M. It was hard for me at first. Picturing him with another woman was real hard for me. I felt jealous. But after a while, I got used to it. I started to see the benefits of open marriage. My husband and I started communicating better. He started helping around the house and with the kids more. I felt more appreciated. Things were going good until I got a message on Facebook from M. She said that my husband is a liar and that she needed to talk to me. I called her. She told me that my husband, i'll refer to him as J, is a liar. She said that they have been seeing each other for a 1 1/2 years and that he told her that he was divorcing me. I confirmed all this with J. I was very angry and upset. I did forgive him for cheating on me. Then, we find out that M is pregnant... Yep, I was pretty upset. M got crazy because J wouldn't leave me. They stopped seeing each other. Ok, so time goes on and he meets someone new. I'll call her K. So I met K and she and I got along great. She ended up moving in with us and lived with us for about 10 months. We were all very happy. J got her pregnant. We were upset about that. K was on antibiotics and birth control and got pregnant. We decided to embrace it, and got excited about the baby. Five months in to her pregnancy, she went into labor. She had to deliver and the baby died. She ended up leaving us to go back to her husband who was treating her like crap. She felt bad for her kids and decided that she didn't try hard enough to save the marriage. So she left. My husband had genuine feelings for her. He was really depressed when she left. He got over her and moved on. He did see a few other people. Now all of these women he dated, he has had sex with. The agreement was that we would have the same freedoms. During all of that time, I chatted with people on OKC and had a few dates here and there. Ok, so 3 years later, I have met someone that I really like. J and I have had some discussions about me having sex with other men. He decided that he will not allow it. He believes that it is ok for him to have sex with other people but not me. His reason? Well because men and women are different. Women release more oxytocin during sex than men. This causes the woman to bond to the man. J doesn't want me having sex with other men because of this. He doesnt want me bonding that way with another man. I am so frustrated right now. This guy im seeing is really awesome, understanding, and patient. Ive been seeing him since May. We have fooled around a bit but I told him we couldnt have sex for a while. J wants me to talk to him and tell him I cant have sex at all. I feel like this is so unfair. When I tell J that its unfair, he comes back with a list of things that are unfair such as my salary isnt as high as his, or I get more messages on OKC then him. He says we cant change human nature. I have no idea what to do. I feel like he's really just insecure. I think he's worried that I'll love him less, or leave him.
I really need some advice here. I have allowed J to spend the night several times with all the women he's been seeing. I just want the same freedom.

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Old 08-05-2015, 12:53 AM
Pond76 Pond76 is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 2

In my attempt to be brief, I left out a few things. J tells me that I can go out and have fun but do it without sex. When I ask him why he cant do the same, he says that if he wanted to go out and have fun without sex, he'd go out with me or his buddy. He says the point of me going out is to do things with someone else that J wouldnt want to do.
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Old 08-05-2015, 01:41 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,914

Besides your children, why are you with this man?

I'm not being flip, I want to hear what you get out of this relationship. Are you staying because he is a good father?

Cause reading your posts, I don't get it (other than being stable for your children). He cheats on you. Don't kid yourself that is what happened. He was lucky you decided to move on.

He can't manage to fucking wrap his penis in a condom and apparently impregnated all or most of the women he's had sex with. (And what happened to M and their child? Has he abandoned a child without support? You really gloss that over.)

Look, the question is not why he's being an ass about not 'letting' you have sex with other men. (Answer, yes he's being an hypocrical dick - literally.)

The question is, really, why are you with this man?
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Old 08-05-2015, 04:20 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Your husband actually told you that women bond more than men do during sex because we release more oxytocin? OMG. And he gave you that as the reason you can't fuck other men while he can go and fuck whomever he wants? What about all the oxytocin he's helping release in his lovers? Jeez, you don't really believe that bullshit he's trying to sell you, do you?

Hon, your husband is a liar, cheater, and a manipulative, selfish bastard. If you have one iota of self-worth somewhere inside you, please summon it to the surface and get the hell out of this farce of a marriage and never look back!
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
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Old 08-14-2015, 10:52 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 12,499

Hi Pond76,

My vote is to leave/divorce J. Just because life has some inequities doesn't make it okay for him to add more of them to your life. He could choose to not do that. If he won't pay that argument any mind, then I see breaking up as the only logical answer.

Anyway, that's how I feel about it.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 08-15-2015, 02:17 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,364

I am sorry you struggle.

Your spouse is a mess. He lies, cheats, is sloppy with family planning, and since he won't use a condom -- putting you and his other lovers at risk for STDs.
He wants a double standard where the marriage is open for him but not for you. He has no interest in things being fair for both. To support this he resorts to "talking down" to you. This is not kind or loving behavior.

Your willingness to participate belongs to YOU. You are free to withdraw it at any time. If you are not up for participating in an arrangement that holds a double standard and is not fair to you, say no. "I am sorry. I cannot agree to that."

If he will not renegotiate, disband. Or don't bother to renegotiate. Just go right for disband/divorce. You guys were unhappy at the start of all this mess and it seems to opened the marriage to avoid divorcing.

What is so great here that you want to stay? Keep trying to fly a thing that just will not fly?

Could break up. Then you are free FROM the double standard, the cheating messes. You are also free TO date how you please.

I think that is the healthiest option for you under the circumstances.

Please do get an STD screen for yourself.

Again I am sorry you deal in this mess. But I think the only way for it to stop if for you to be willing to walk away. I don't think it will change because he suddenly decides to be more fair. and clean up his act. For whatever reason, going along in this wonky way works for him.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-15-2015 at 03:03 AM.
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Old 08-15-2015, 01:18 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 5,889

Relationship broken, add more people is never a good idea. Going poly can show up defects in the most perfect seeming marriage. Adding lovers to a r'ship that already has massive communication difficulties is a big mistake.

And those pregnancies appall me. And the One Penis Policy on top of it! Yikes.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
In a newish relationship with Steve, (33, poly)
"Master," (mono, 36), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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Old 03-09-2016, 07:29 PM
AJM AJM is offline
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: WNY
Posts: 91

I stand firmly behind all the other responders to this thread. Your husband makes me ASHAMED to have a penis. Holy shit!
Me: 51, poly, married to W, no longer living with G
W: wife, 46, poly
G: ex-girlfriend, 52, mono
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