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  #11  
Old 02-19-2012, 02:46 AM
PolyBlargh PolyBlargh is offline
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Thanks quite, she was not and has never claimed to be Poly, she fell in love with a Poly guy. But we've always communicated well and I expected a lot different of her at this point.

Grey, she says she'll be me all the time and space I want. I told her I didn't want to hang out at her house if we hang out, it'll be in public and stuff like that. However, just today the new guy was like 2 hours late even getting back to her about plans they were supposed to have and she was immediately texting me saying she was lonely and mad and wished I was there. So ... yeah ... I honestly don't want to call her on it because I don't want to lose her or piss her off, but, I kind of need to don't i

Wow i've become one of those people that over shares on the internet! I really needed it though.
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  #12  
Old 02-19-2012, 03:31 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Yeah, you really do need to. If you ever want to be someone she truly respects, not someone she treats as a disposable safety net, she needs to see that what she's doing is not ok and that you have your limits. What's the use of her coming back to you if she just dumps you and pretends to the world to never have loved you AGAIN the next time a guy says he'll take her out some time? Sorry to be harsh, I feel for you. :/
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  #13  
Old 02-19-2012, 07:19 AM
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I don't understand all this judgment you have about your own feelings. Twice in this thread you've said you "shouldn't" be feeling what you are feeling. Why is that? Who is telling you which feelings you are and are not supposed to have? There is no law decreed that when one engages in polyamorous relationships, one is not allowed to feel jealousy or anger or anything else. Are you not human? The more you fight or judge a feeling, the more it will keep coming up and growing in intensity until you let it be, accept how you feel, and deal with it. So, I say, be gentle with yourself and stop judging what you're going through. A break-up is a grieving process, and will have its highs and lows. When emotions rise, ride them through and they will dissipate by virtue of your simply allowing yourself to be what you are.
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  #14  
Old 02-19-2012, 06:39 PM
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PolyBlargh, I feel for you. I just recently came to the end of a relationship I had for three years. His reasons for dumping me were because he was more interested in his business and other areas of his life than in me (amongst other things). I supported him through his life changes and through his buying the business and the result was that he didn't want me any more. It was and is hard. I feel used and thrown away.

I have a lot of anger still after a month. It is just something one has to go through I think. I haven't seen him in a month and I have to say, it was the best thing I did. He is slowly becoming someone I used to know because of our separation I think. His presence in my life becomes less and less to the point that I am angry still, but have moved on.

If he asked me now to spend time with him I think I would say no. Later maybe I would be able to be a friend. These things take time.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Time.... let it happen and let your self feel what you feel. I allowed myself to feel everything that came up and did my best to allow my feelings presence in my life. The hardest part has been not taking it out on others and isolating myself. I am not so good at that, but I try.
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  #15  
Old 02-21-2012, 07:12 PM
PolyBlargh PolyBlargh is offline
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Well why I would talking about "Shouldn't" feel that way, is because they are selfish feelings, they are jealous feelings and I've always felt that poly people should be able to better deal and address a lot of that stuff.

So after taking what a lot of you folks said into account I talked to her. I told her in no uncertain terms that I was hurt by what she did and how she did it. I explained "hey, even if we're not together we were, and we were big parts of each other lives, you can't erase that for the sake of some guy that just walked into your life"

I asked her about why she couldn't just be up front with this guy, and let relationships happen naturally because it would happen if she wanted a mono relationship with him, I would back of and move in to a support role, that's ok. She basically said the last time she was trying to date a guy and told him about our stuff the guy basically told her she was "a fat attention wanting slut" and a lot of other things. So as broken as girls can sometimes be she assumed all guys would think that of her, even if they didn't state it. She got some similar disparaging comments about her choice in boyfriend from friends and family over the years too.

So we talked a lot, and she talked to this new boy and we talked to him together. She's realizing that if someone truely cares about you and wants to love you, they will do what they can to let you be happy. So we're "back" together for now. The new guy is still dating her and really seems like a nice guy. Might even turn into another guy I can go have a beer with.

It's frustrating though ... having to go through all that to get to someplace I feel it should have started. I hate that guys have to be like that. You know just because it's not your choice doesn't mean you have to be a *** about it. I had no idea some of the stuff she dealt with happened even, she didn't want me to worry about ... or kill the guy that called her the above thing.

Thank you everyone for forcing me to face this rather then being upset and "alone" with it.
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  #16  
Old 02-21-2012, 11:47 PM
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I am glad it worked out. I think most problems in relationships come from miscommunication or lack of communication. She didn't want to upset you and kept important stuff she was wrangling with to herself. Now you know that this is an issue for you both to deal with, moving forward.


Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyBlargh View Post
Well why I would talking about "Shouldn't" feel that way, is because they are selfish feelings, they are jealous feelings and I've always felt that poly people should be able to better deal and address a lot of that stuff.
People who are in poly relationships are not above being human. Poly people are not more evolved than anyone else. They may be more practiced at dealing with certain issues, over time, but when feelings come up, the best thing to do is own them and face them, not belittle yourself for having them and try to pretend you're not feeling them.
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  #17  
Old 02-24-2012, 03:56 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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I feel for you both. I wish she would have talked to you the whole way through the process of meeting the new guy. You may have been able to help her introduce the topic and transition. Since she threw you and poly under the bus, now you have some healing to do and some trust to regain.

I feel for her because the longer I am poly, the less I anticipate people's negative reactions. But they still happen. I'm only seeing 1 guy, but he has other girlfriends. I usually call it non-monogamy, then follow it with "everyone has full knowledge!" Still, among the few people I have now told, their reactions weren't, "Congratulations, that's great!" I haven't gotten a single one of those. LOL. The misconceptions and leaps are mind boggling.

I told a friend who is usually interested in my love life. She no longer asks me about who I'm seeing. My best friend from highschool who is a doctor immediately asked if I was practicing safe sex and getting tested. Not, "is he cute?" The first and only guy I have had to make aware of my relationship status thought non-monogamy meant I was promiscuous - and tried to take advantage of me as a casual sex partner when I specifically said that was not was I was looking for. I later found out he also assumed that meant I regularly had group sex. Huh? I talked to him for hours. How he got there, I don't know.

I hope everyone is communicating better in your group. Sometimes the tough learning experiences pay off more dividends in the long run. Best of luck to all.
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