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Old 02-24-2012, 02:28 AM
AutumnWhisper AutumnWhisper is offline
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Default I Hope I'm Not Naive

So i've read through the glossary and terms and have come across unicorn. I guess you could say that my husband and I are unicorn hunters. I know I shouldn't take it too seriously and have read threads about how they do exist and its only a joke.. but I really don't want to be seen as naive as it seems the term goes... I myself have always been perfectly okay with the idea of being polyamorous. I guess you could say I was that flip flopper between mono and the idea of poly (because no one I was ever with was into the idea >< frustrating to say the least and because of that I even at one point just wanted to join a couple thinking it would make it easier!! XD) I want to be in a relationship with a man and a woman, always have. When my husband and I were first seeing each other he admitted to me that he wanted me and another girl at the same time, and wondered why he couldn't have both. I immediately said to him that it wouldn't be a problem to me and was even open to the idea of having a relationship with her. He loved the idea at the time. Of course things didn't go smoothly between him and her.. and I'm glad cause she was such a bad thing for him, and someone who I discovered would not be in relationship with(but i didn't know her at the time I told him I wouldn't mind being in relationship with her.)

Anyways I'm really trying to not make this a TLDR post.. I'm just really concerned with my husband and I as being seen as naive... Is it really silly for us to want a triad with that third person as a bisexual woman. It's not about sex for us I promise. I really want to emotionally and mentally connect with a woman and my husband has already had these feelings of poly before and he just wants to be himself. Together ultimately I guess we want to be ourselves. Anyways thanks for reading.
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Old 02-24-2012, 06:15 AM
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I don't think it's naive. That's exactly what my wife and I want eventually too. The hard part is just finding someone who we both like and who likes both of us. We had it at one point but she turned out to be bipolar and batshit insane so that didn't work. We hope to one day find that again though. But I completely know what you two are going through. It just seems so hard to find the right girl and you can get really discouraged and such. Just keep your chin up. She's out there somewhere. That's what we always tell each other.
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Old 02-24-2012, 07:01 AM
AutumnWhisper AutumnWhisper is offline
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Thanks much. I actually was reading your posts/intro earlier :3 my husband and I are also looking for a gamer girl too. X3
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Old 02-24-2012, 07:08 AM
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I've been told (by my gamer geeks) that gamer girls are even more rare to find than unicorns.

It's not so much naive that someone can be found, I think. It just seems that many couples get lost in the optimism or thrill of the hunt or something and they don't see the problems inherent in thinking that one person is going to have an easy time developing a relationship with the TWO of you. It's challenging enough to figure out if you like one person at a time. When it's presented as a package deal, it can be overwhelming. How do you (the new girl) respond, when you discover that you're really into the wife, but you're not so crazy about the husband? You don't want to hurt his feelings, because you're polite; and maybe even more you don't want to hurt hers ~ she loves her man, if you don't love her man, it's tantamount to saying she has bad taste. And if you say that, then you don't get to go out with her anymore. And that's just the beginning and first thing that comes to mind when I think on it! Not even a scratch.

I do consider myself an optimist, and I do think it happens. I just think it's more likely to happen than is to be created.
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Old 02-24-2012, 02:55 PM
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The na´vetÚ is in the expectation, not the desire. You can have your fantasies, but... if you expect to find an available "hot bi babe" to fall in love equally with both of you and not have any other relationships, and to defer all her own expectations for the sake of the pre-existing couple, that is na´ve. It's like hoping for built-in drama. If you have opportunities for relationships that don't fit your fantasy and reject them out of expectation for the fantasy to come true, that is na´ve.

Instead, if you will allow for whatever and whoever life brings your way, without trying to fit a human being into some fantastic unrealistic ideal, and are open to developing relationships naturally and separately -- you'll be ahead of the game.
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Old 02-24-2012, 06:47 PM
AutumnWhisper AutumnWhisper is offline
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I mean I personally would never expect them to drop all their expectations but after long discussing things with my husband, the idea of having a third party and them having multiple other parties is not something we desire. Also we believe in full open communication and expressing our views right from the beginning. We don't mind having a relationship with someone else having multiple relationships but we don't want to get intimate with someone while they are having intimate relationships with other people. Its like having boundaries.

The problem I don't want to run into is having to know third persons said other relationships because my mindset I will HAVE to know them. And thats more so for safety of mine and third persons relationship, not even all three of ours. I don't want the third parties other relationships affecting my whole life, and while it might not affect me at all, the chance of it doing so it what makes me have these boundaries. If third person is involved with someone who is a complete loser and they are always using their money, or they are into drugs or something else like that. I don't want to deal with that.

The idea of dating around and other parties dating around is fine. I don't mind being really close friends and even emotionally having a relationship, but once it gets to the point where its going to be a serious relationship, that's what I want it to be. A serious relationship between me, and another person. I want both of them to be just as dedicated to me as I am to both of them. If that leaves my husband and I with never finding anyone then so be it. But relationships when they reach that point are serious to me, and if we can't all work things out then I want them to be able to move on to other people who will make them happier. I personally would never hold any thing against them for feeling the way they do, that would just be selfish of me to expect them to just change themselves for our sake, but we are also on that other side of that token. Just like I should not just expect someone to just "fit into my fantasy" I can't fit into theirs either, and I'm fine with that. I am happy where I am but it is something that my husband and I have been yearning for for a long time. We realize we are reaching for something almost impossible, but its only almost and to just shut it out because so many people in the poly community tells us its something nearly impossible just means we must have not been that serious in the first place. If we just quit now means that it was only a fantasy, but in our hearts we want to fill that piece up(at least thats how we describe it to each other.) I don't feel like its some fantasy dream world in my head. I understand it will be hard, and may never happen, but lasting loving relationships are never easy anyways, so whats new XD.
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Old 02-24-2012, 07:40 PM
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I completely agree with everything you just said Autumn. I mean right now my wife and I are dating around but eventually we just want to settle down with a third person and just be with each other and her. We don't expect someone to change themselves to fit into that role but we do hope to find someone who is looking for that as well. A loving relationship between a man and two women who care about each other and only wish to be with each other. And I realized it's gonna be very hard but I am still hopeful that it will happen one day down the road and we will have a loving little family.
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:22 PM
AutumnWhisper AutumnWhisper is offline
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Thanks for the support Nerdpower13 and for the wisdom and insight from nycindie and novemberain. ^_^
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:24 PM
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You're welcome! Hell if you and your husband lived near me you guys sound like the type of people I would hang out with
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Old 02-24-2012, 10:55 PM
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I hate to say it but, yes... I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with this setup if things happen to work out best for everyone that way, but I do think the search for a bi woman to be in a relationship with both of you and no one else is naive.

Here are my thoughts on why, fleshed out a little: http://www.lovemore.com/blog/?p=1050...#comment-28308
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