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Old 02-13-2012, 10:05 PM
RobertJason RobertJason is offline
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Default One Confused Dude!

Hi,

I wanted to post my unique situation and see if anyone with some experience or insight can help me find the truth within the details.

I've been seeing a girl since the end of November. When we first dated, I'd recently gotten out of a relationship and was excited about dating and meeting new people. I said I was unsure I could commit to one person and give up the fun of meeting new people. She said, "I think you're polyamorous". I thought, maybe, but I'm pretty sure I can only handle one full time relationship.

So, here we are 3 months later, and she wants to have an open relationship. She wants to have sex with a guy who she met recently who practices Tantra and is muscular. And a drummer who she's had a crush on since she was young (who recently sent her a photo of his penis, which she solicited when sexting). She assures me that she loves me and doesn't want a relationship with anyone else. She's very affectionate with me, and we talk openly about everything, to a level I've never experienced with anyone. She wanted my opinion on it and I've been telling her I'm hesitant at this stage to be happy about it. She usually gets her way, with a bit of a princess personality, which normally I'm not bothered by. But, in this case, she's still flirting with these men, and one has asked if he can be her 'secondary'.

Since we've talked about the possibilities of polyamory, and I've at times said 'I don't like it' and other times said, 'maybe it'd work okay'... She is updating me on these guys in the name of open communication.

Part of me thinks, 'wow, great, I can open up an online dating profile and meet some new great people'... but, another part of me says, 'why not do it as a single person and get out of this situation?'.

Last night, I asked her to come with me to a polyamory meetup to talk to others about it, and she said she just wants sex, so polyamory doesn't apply to her, that multiple 'loves' would be more my thing.

I think the motivation behind all of it, is that she is very hypersexual (possibly nympho). She is constantly turned on, constantly horny, wet, etc. I LOVE sex, but 3-times a week is enough for me. We've been having sex 1-2 times a day, usually before bed and upon waking. She cums hard and loves it, often times 5-10 times per session. but she still wants other men. She even says that the more she has sex, the more she wants it, so me pleasing her twice a day, makes her more likely to seek out other men. We don't have a boring sex life, fetishes, taboo, public fun, dirty talk, paying attention to physical responses... we've got it all down and its fun and great, with tons of communication.

I am confused, I feel like I'm being manipulated or walked on. She is a loving, caring, sweet, sensitive person in a healing industry. So, I know it would break her heart if she thought she was treating me badly, but I think she can't help this need, and will continue to 'sell' me on what her needs are until they are met. I'm finding that many of my wants aren't in line with hers, so she ends up getting what she wants and I don't... Not just with sex, but day to day items.

Any advice, or people who've seen this sort of thing before, please chime in. I would appreciate the help.

Robert Jason
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  #2  
Old 02-14-2012, 05:20 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RobertJason View Post
Hi,
Part of me thinks, 'wow, great, I can open up an online dating profile and meet some new great people'... but, another part of me says, 'why not do it as a single person and get out of this situation?'.
I'm a bit confused as to what "situation" you are talking about. It sounds to me like you yourself are open to the possibility of another relationship for yourself, although you haven't worked through it completely. If you can have that and still be with your gf, why would you want to be single and do the same thing?

Are you having jealousy issues as far as your gf having sex with other guys?

Or you spoke of her always getting her way. Perhaps there is some underlying dynamic in the relationship with your gf that really doesn't have to do with your sex life, except that maybe the stakes are bigger when considering opening up the relationship.

I'd suggest that you dig a little deeper into your own feelings.
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:17 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I don't think your situation is at all unusual actually. Its a dime a dozen here. I can't tell you how many threads there are on here about one partner wanting more sex and the other loving relationships. Your thread is no different it seems to me.

I have as high a sex drive and I can tell you that it slows down in time. She likely is all sexed up right now as it seems that the two of you are still in your NRE phase (new relationship energy), but that slows down too. It kind of goes in cycles with me. One cannot keep up the pace of being pleasured constantly and have a job, a life, family etc. without capping that sometimes and changing focus. The likelihood of her being a nympho is low. I would suggest its hormones. Sometimes they do crazy shit while under the influence of NRE.

As for the men? Well, it sounds like you need to stand up for what your boundaries are. If you are not happy and not telling her, that is not the good communication that you seem to be proud off. You are being a push over to a princess. At least that is what I am reading. No she doesn't get to do whatever she wants just because she is horny and can boss you around.

I suggest you tell her the stuff that isn't working for you and set that all straight before adding partners to your mix. It sounds like you need to sit down, figure out exactly where you are at and start requesting that she respect your pace and boundaries (by telling her what they are) so that you can work of where you both want to be in the future. Find where you can create agreements that work for both of you...
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:43 AM
RobertJason RobertJason is offline
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Thanks for the input. I think the 'pushover to a princess' line resonated the most, but I'll take all of the advice in.

We talked on the phone tonight and I explained that I had an emotional day and wasn't happy with her sexting one of the guys. There are two guys. The Tantra guy is mature and respectful of my role. I'm not jealous or bothered by him. The drummer doesn't agree with polyamory and is just trying to get laid. I have made it clear I'm in support of her experimenting with the tantra guy, but not the drummer. Today, she sexted the drummer then told me about it after. That's what upset me. Especially since last night I told her I wasn't comfortable with him. I talked to her about all this again tonight. The problem hasn't been lack of communication, the problem has been misunderstandings within the communication (or possibly disregard for my feelings because of pure hornyness).

To me, this is just cheating. I said it's "selfish hedonism, not an open relationship" on the phone tonight. She just keeps claiming she thought I supported the idea.

Bookbug, I'm not really the jealous type. Jealousy never really made sense to me.

To self-analyze: I think what's triggering this, in me, is that I don't like this guys immature approach. A friend of his said he sleeps around and probably has STDs. And I'm very upset that she even is attracted to him. She has been with abusive men in the past and been a cheater herself, and I believe this attraction is that same negative pattern. It bothers me. But, she went and did it anyway.

Anyway, thanks for the input and advice.
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Old 02-14-2012, 02:49 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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T

To me, this is just cheating. I said it's "selfish hedonism, not an open relationship" on the phone tonight. She just keeps claiming she thought I supported the idea.

Bookbug, I'm not really the jealous type. Jealousy never really made sense to me.

To self-analyze: I think what's triggering this, in me, is that I don't like this guys immature approach. A friend of his said he sleeps around and probably has STDs. And I'm very upset that she even is attracted to him. She has been with abusive men in the past and been a cheater herself, and I believe this attraction is that same negative pattern. It bothers me. But, she went and did it anyway.

Anyway, thanks for the input and advice.
Okay, this makes far more sense! Yes, I can see why you have significant reservations about the drummer ~ his intent, his lack of respect, and yes STDs. If it is all just as you laid out, your concerns to valid and reasonable.

Unfortunately, your princess doesn't seem to be hearing you; doesn't seem to see the difference between Tantra guy and the drummer. She seems to be taking your position as a simple yes or no proposition with no understanding of boundaries and that each person must be taken on a case by case basis.

Keep talking to her! It's not as simple as she's making it out to be.
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Old 02-14-2012, 05:35 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RobertJason View Post
I am confused, I feel like I'm being manipulated or walked on. She is a loving, caring, sweet, sensitive person in a healing industry. So, I know it would break her heart if she thought she was treating me badly, but I think she can't help this need, and will continue to 'sell' me on what her needs are until they are met. I'm finding that many of my wants aren't in line with hers, so she ends up getting what she wants and I don't... Not just with sex, but day to day items.

Any advice, or people who've seen this sort of thing before, please chime in. I would appreciate the help.

Robert Jason
This is the part that bothers me the most. Why would you want to stay with someone who isn't willing to work with you on making sure that some of your wants are met? It's not healthy to give and give and give and get nothing in return. It would bother me if my husband always got what he wanted and I never did.
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Old 02-15-2012, 02:28 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Two things resonate with me about the OP.

a) the fact she`s a nympho. I don`t know about your experience, but meeting a woman with a high sex drive and open to non-monogamy is sooooooooo hot to me because it`s so rare that I meet anyone like that. So, it`s almost like I would perhaps tolerate a bit more, just to have an experience with a girl like that; Do you feel the same?

BUT

b) another part of me thinks I actually have gotten the chance to meet nymphos before and I've actually turned them down (hence, why they seem so rare). And, the reason why I've turned them down is because they have made me feel interchangeable, and because of the lack of boundaries and insensitivity.

In your situation, I would give her a warning. State my boundaries clearly, and say that the sexting with drummer boy cannot keep happening if she wants to be with me. And, I would make sure she knows exactly why and what I am feeling. I also like to be heard, so I swear by the 3 strikes you`re out rule. It may seem harsh, but otherwise things go on indefinitely.

Edit: Another thing. I feel she is doing what she`s doing due to loose boundaries. Which is different from being horny. Being horny is different from making inconsiderate choices, IMO. She could be horny and choose to eat pomegranates instead, couldn`t she? Being horny is only the feeling, I`d say. The choice she`s made seems to be something completely apart from it and having other causes.

Last edited by feelyunicorn; 02-15-2012 at 02:37 AM.
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Old 02-15-2012, 02:37 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Crikey! Just because a woman has a high sex drive doesn't make her a nymphomaniac. Hypersexuality is a diagnosis that a medical professional would have to make, and to see/hear a guy call a woman that just because she has a sexual appetite sounds ignorant, sexist, and harshly judgmental. It's as bad as calling a woman with a low sex drive frigid. Very uncool and objectifies the woman.

Just deal with the fact that women like and want lots of sex without name-calling, okay? Geez, it's fucking 2012.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-15-2012 at 02:44 AM.
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Old 02-15-2012, 02:41 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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I use the word in the most non-judgmental and value-neutral way possible. If anything, the reason I use the word is because nymphos are sexual fantasies of mine. So, maybe it`s not so value-neutral after all.

I understand the word is charged with meaning and probably inaccurate in description, and if I offend anyone I am sorry.
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Old 02-15-2012, 05:52 PM
RobertJason RobertJason is offline
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Well, maybe Nympho isn't the right word. When your having 2-4 hours a day of sex in an 16 hour waking day, it's high right? Either way, I am okay with that part once I get my heart and lungs up to speed ;-)

feelyunicorn, you would probably like her, most men do, haha. For me, it's a bit stressful to be around a really high sex drive, but I can at least appreciate that it's natural, not really nympho.

We talked a lot today about this. She says I need to be more direct. I mentioned that if she is craving all this, and it makes me uncomfortable, maybe her and I should consider ourselves more casual for a while. I mentioned my boundaries. She wasn't happy that I had to approve of anyone she sleeps with, she said boundaries are rules and she's not into rules.

Point being, maybe we'll work, maybe we won't, but we're cooling off for a bit so she can run around free. We love each other, so we'll be around in one way or another. Thanks for the advice everyone. I greatly appreciate it. I do think even a sensitive guy like me can make a poly lifestyle work, but this exact situation I didn't have enough value in.

<3
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