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Old 02-16-2012, 07:34 AM
Johnybeas Johnybeas is offline
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So I posted this on a different forum that was just about sex and relationships and not a lot of people knew about poly relationships. I found this forum and would love some replies here. Here was my post over there.

So my wife and I have had a lot of experience playing with other girls etc. she and I have talked about having a girlfriend before but now that we are married she has kind of changed her mind about it. She still hints at wanting to be close to another girl and I've noticed her crushing on a few girls. She keeps pushing away these feelings because of the way she was raised (mormon family) and I don't know how to bring the topic up without her thinking I'm being a perv or something.

We were getting really close to a friend of mine from highschool and we had a threesome with her and my wife and her were starting to get really close, but my friend was nervous about acting on her feelings because she's never dated a girl or a couple before and so she and I were talking about her feelings and the possibility of us all dating. My wife found some texts and didn't read the whole conversation and took things out of context and missunderstood the convo. It's a touchy subject and she has avoided it ever since. I've been giving her time to cool about it and would like to be able to talk with her further about it, but don't know how to bring it up. Anyone have any experience in these sort of matters?

Ok to clear some things up

My wife knows that my friend and I text and she's often seen her text me and texted her at the same time, my friend texts back and forth with my wife frequently too. We all text each other. The communication is there, but the details of polyamory hadn't been entirely discussed. My friend and I got more in depth about the topic one day when we were texting while my wife was at work. The time that my wife saw a few texts on my phone I had said to her that I was excited to try all of us dating. I had expressed the day before to my wife that I wanted to go to dinner with both of them and she had agreed to it, but my friend wasn't able to make it so my wife and I ended up just going out. Later when talking with my friend about the raincheck and that was the part of the conversation that she saw parts of and got upset. We have since made up and everything is ok. The only issue is my wife and friend aren't currently talking. My friend has been making attempts to talk with her, texting her saying hi and that she really likes her and wants to talk with her and hang out still.

Obviously everything didn't happen in the order that I would have liked it to. I kind of mentioned to my wife today about talking to the friend and she still seemed pretty sore about it, but it didn't cause a fight so I think she's getting over it. It's prob just gonna take some more time. I hope it all works out because I know they both really liked each other and I could tell my wife was crushing on her before, they were non stop texting for a bit, so it's just hard. I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells bringing up anything relating to something outside the box of the mormon ideals of husband and wife etc. I know my wife agrees with homosexual relationships and bisexuality etc. it's just hard because she still has that nagging of how she was raised in the back of her head.

Also as far as the threesome thing is concerned my wife and I have had quite a few threesomes since getting married. They have never caused any issues. Only issue we ever had with a threesome was with a girl that we were getting really close with and fucking quite frequently, she ended up getting involved with a bad crowd and some problems came up at a party and she ended up acting like an idiot and crashed my wife's car and ya long story short the girl was bad news but was the only real girl my wife had ever had any sort of relationship with that she had slept with. It hurt her pretty bad and made it hard to play with any other girls for a while. However that was a few years ago and she's far over it.
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Old 02-16-2012, 02:07 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Yeah, talking with this girl about the potential for dating, and then setting up a dinner with that in mind, BEFORE talking to your wife, was a huge mistake. You and the friend knew the context and she didn't, you were basically tricking her into a romantic setup. Not cool. If be pissed too if I were her.

If you and the friend are interested in dating, and your wife is not... why don't you and the friend date, with your wife's knowledge, and not try to push her somewhere she's made it very clear she doesn't want to go? Seriously, it's creepy to try to figure out how to get her to want something she doesn't want. Either she'll come around to the idea in her own time or she won't.

Also, let me propose a shift in thought. If your friend dated both of you she would not be dating a couple. A couple is a relationship structure and you can't date structures. She'd be dating two people who are also involved with each other. That's an incredibly difficult and volatile situation for people who are new to multiple loving relationships. There's every chance in the world she'd fall harder for one of you than the other and jealousy/craziness would ensue. If you're not prepared for it, that can rip marriages and friendships apart. Think about this before you try to coax your wife into anything. A threesome is a piece of cake, three people all developing new relationships at once is not.

This essay may be of interest to both you and your friend: www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html (I know the url seems to contradict the point I was making above, but the content actually fleshes out the point, I believe).

Good luck.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 02-16-2012, 03:29 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,153

Your unwillingness to talk openly to your wife has and will continue to cause major issues in your relationship with her. I get that you do not want to hurt her, or say something that causes the two of you to fight or disagree. Those are unpleasant. I also get that your wife may be hard to talk to. Many people are.

But, suck it up and talk to her openly. Be tactful and respectful of course. Be careful about pressuring her to agree right then and there. She will need lots of time to think things through, to process, and to deal with this issue and her background. Be open to questions, even harsh or wierd ones. You will want to avoid anything that has the merest hint of an ultimatum. I'm not saying that you are giving her an ultimatum at all - there is no hint of that in your post. Just make sure your tone and wording indicate this is a discussion between the two of you, an ongoing one, with no expectations of a given 'end point' right now.

That said, don't hint, or beat around the bush or use vague examples. Tell her what you would like, that you may want a relationship beyond the usual threesome arranagement with with the mutual friend. Acknowledge that you know she may be feeling odd or unhappy about it. Ask her what is going on in her mind about the situation, about non-monogamy in your relationship in general. It's more important that you talk things over with her than you present things to her perfectly.

Just because a person is not talking about a situation, DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE OK. In fact, they could be in so much pain, they can't talk about whatever is going on. They may need more time to think and process before they can talk. They may be so threatened they can't talk to you. Silence is not golden, it can kill a relationship [to modify a ACT UP slogan]. I have no idea if your wife is experiencing any of these things but your assumption that she is probably fine because she is not saying something will come back to haunt you in very unpleasant ways.

There are lots of threads here on better communication skills - try searching for communication, non violent communication. Noodling about on the site is also a useful thing - you never know when you will stumble across a useful thread.
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Old 02-16-2012, 10:22 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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You might want to try doing a search for "unicorns" "triads" "secondaries" and see what others have discovered and done before you. Open communication is essential I think. Before arranging anything with anyone I think it best to have it out and get some idea where she is at. Why not date on your own or have her date on her own. There is nothing that says you need to do things that each other do. You are autonomous people. Marriage doesn't change that.
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