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  #81  
Old 12-03-2012, 11:37 AM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Default :(

Thanks Anne
The journey has been arduous and sorry for not being clear about the past...the triad is old news and nothing I want anymore with her...I brought it up because I don't think he ever let it go even though he said he did- he doesn't give up what he wants easily.

Still no contact from him. We meet on Skype every Sunday so that I heard nothing today is a pretty big deal. I guess I have no choice now but to believe its over- ao surreal since its only been a week since our visit. This is f"ng torture-my sister is a nurse and thinks I'm clinically depressed and says she hates him For stringing me out like this. Also I am drinking too much now.

He actually is in therapy that's part of the effort he was making for us. I think he's mad right now because he thinks he's done a lot to move toward us and that I just don't get how hard it is for him. But this silence after my naturally normal reaction to his news is starting to destroy me and that he doesn't care at this point is ......well...




Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
You know, people should put themselves first, then they should put the people they love second. If somebody who said they'd be putting me second failed to contact me during a time like this, I think I would consider that to be too selfish and self centered - 30 seconds for a text you know? Sorry to be negative but I also would have to agree that he doesn't seem to have what it takes to be a good, honest, upfront partner. If he does end up without his wife and with you, and starts dating again (ya sure, its complicated so he wouldn't do it again - I wouldn't count on that though), those same issues are going to manifest themselves again in all the saome ways if he hasn't done something to grow past them such as therapy.

I am sure people have mentioned this before, but full triad would mean you are dating her too, I've been confused in your posts since if you had been involved with her I have forgotten you mentioning that. What he wanted (I assume) is a V where both of you get along like gangbusters and dont cause him any stress. I only mention this because advice can be more useful if things are described accurately.

You say that if you lived together you'd be a full partner and "Being a full partner means sharing our lives in full." I want you to really think - if he isn't sharing with you in full now - ie he's still having sex with his wife and upset if you have the nerve to ask him - he's going afk for days, weeks or months at his whim without really caring how it's affecting you, and it's unlikely that it will magically change if you do move in together. Going incommunicado for months - how do you convince yourself that is part of love? 8 months ago you were talking about dating, I hope that you have been open to dating and going out with people.

I'd surely not think about moving to be with him until 6 or so months had gone by with him not living with her and you could see how his actions were going to be when he didn't have her to blame his behavior on.
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  #82  
Old 12-09-2012, 05:43 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I'm so sad for you. How heartbreaking to have him distance himself after just having been with you in person. I don't blame you for feeling depressed and drinking. He's really dicking you around. "I don't love my wife, I am best friends with her, I love her, I am not in love with her, I am in love with her." And you and your bf are actually in different countries? All this effort and it's all long distance!

BTW, I wish people here would say "fucking" or "having sex" when they mean fucking/having sex. "Sleeping with" is such a weird euphemism. I was confused as to whether your bf and his wife were just "sharing a bed for sleep," because they only have one bed, as opposed to having sexual relations. That is why I said, can't he sleep on the couch, can't he go sleep at a friend's house!?

So, they were still having sex/fucking, all this time... ugh.

But now as far as you know, she is moving out. Is she getting an apartment, or just crashing with friends herself?
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  #83  
Old 02-26-2013, 09:35 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Default Again

Been a while friends here is an update for any interested. The wife moved out. He continued to pursue me while also going to therapy to help him thru their seperation

He decided I should live with him for 2 weeks in his country to see how it felt.

I've been here 10 days. The first nine were wonderful. But last night he said he was still torn and is desperate to find a creative way to make it work so he keeps us both. He suggested 1/2 time living w her and other half coming to US to live with me. He suggested the 3 of us have a brainstorm .

This is not where I thought this was going after we reconciled last August.

Help
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  #84  
Old 02-26-2013, 11:53 PM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Im new here so please view this as just my two cents, not advice.

I have read this thread from the beginning. You have really been through an emotional journey with this, and I'm sorry because it sounds like it has hurt a lot.

My question is where is your love for yourself? Clearly you love him, perhaps more than is healthy for you. I can see that he loves himself. He hasn't let go of having things just the way he wants. He's still spinning, trying to find a way to manipulate reality so he can. He needs to acknowledge that THIS DIDN"T WORK and he can either go be with his wife, and leave you in peace, or be with you and let his wife go. This man's insistence that he have exactly what he wants has dragged all three of you through the mire for years. Admittedly, you and his wife let yourself be dragged.

His wife loves him, but does not love you. He loves his wife, and he loves you also, but his love is damaging to both of you. Let me re-phrase that...I think his absolute inablity to accept that this time he can't have what he wants is damaging to all 3 of you. Most people his age have learned that you don't always get what you want. Ethical people don't do damage to those they claim to love for years, trying to force reality into their little view.

You have to take care of yourself now. Admit this is no good for you, no matter how much you love him. You aren't going to live forever. Don't waste any more of your precious time. I'm sorry if this sounded harsh. I wish you all the best.
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  #85  
Old 02-27-2013, 03:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
He suggested 1/2 time living w her and other half coming to US to live with me. He suggested the 3 of us have a brainstorm .

This is not where I thought this was going after we reconciled last August.
I cannot say it better then Student of Life. You are responsible for your own well being after giving it a go. You gave it a go. You have to come to terms and evaluate now. Result it THUS. What could I choose next for my next behavior?

So now you wish to choose.... what? If this is NOT where you want to be? Could choose not to be there then. In the interest of your own best healths.

It can FEEL all kinds of hard and upsetting. But your conduct? It could be real simple if you choose to keep things simple when determining your next behavior choice:
  • Am I willing to try?
  • Am I doing this with joyful spirit?
  • Is this healthy for me to be doing? And healthy for those around me?
  • Does this meet all three? (Because one could be willing, but not joyful in spirit or engaging in healthy things)

Then you know what you could do. That does not go against your well being. ALL of your well being.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-27-2013 at 03:31 PM.
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  #86  
Old 02-27-2013, 03:25 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wants2BEqual View Post
. . . last night he said he was still torn and is desperate to find a creative way to make it work so he keeps us both.
Ugh, this statement leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Is that how he put it? It sounds like he sees you and his wife as possessions to own. Probably a good idea to examine that perspective.
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  #87  
Old 02-28-2013, 07:28 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Default Letting go

Thanks galagirl
Your guideposts are very helpful
I am willing but I am not joyful
I cannot say this has been healthy for anyone and I have no idea how to make it so
He went to see a therapist last nite....
Before he went I asked him to look inside and think about letting go ...of his dream of sharing a life with her and I. She has already admitted she is accommodating and has disdain for me. Even if I could find joy in the new situation I could never forget that a person has compromised themself and I'm party to it.
I told him I was willing to try but that it would not make me happy from a soulful place--not joyful as you say. I looked at him strongly and asked if he would really want me in a relationship where I was not happy- would he knowingly ask to be part of it.

He took notes. He said that she thinks I set out to take her husband. This further concretes why there could be no joy as she seemed to have forgotten she is the one who invited me to play in the first place, and who at one point, counted and leaned on me for emotional support. Now I am not only the bad guy but being asked once again to work with her to solve this.

He went to the therapist and I went out for dinner and wine. I met some nice ppl and got home 1 hour after him. He was livid that I didn't leave a note. He said he had dropped something at her house after the therapist and he had left her crying in order to get back to me on time. We had our first in person fight..we made up in the morning he apologized and I assume well talk tonite about next steps.

I know what is right but he is fighting hard to not let go of me


Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I cannot say it better then Student of Life. You are responsible for your own well being after giving it a go. You gave it a go. You have to come to terms and evaluate now. Result it THUS. What could I choose next for my next behavior?

So now you wish to choose.... what? If this is NOT where you want to be? Could choose not to be there then. In the interejst of your own best healths.

It can FEEL all kinds of hard and upsetting. But your conduct? It could be real simple if you choose to keep things simple when determining your next behavior choice:
  • Am I willing to try?
  • Am I doing this with joyful spirit?
  • Is this healthy for me to be doing? And healthy for those around me?
  • Does this meet all three? (Because one could be willing, but not joyful in spirit or engaging in healthy things)

Then you know what you could do. That does not go against your well being. ALL of your well being.

Galagirl
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  #88  
Old 02-28-2013, 07:34 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Default Ty student of life

Ty Student of life
I did ask him last night to let go of his dream as I can't be part of an unhealthy relationship that would also make me unhappy
I also asked him if he would knowingly continue to ask me to participate if I am going to be unhappy

See my last post for further update. Thank you for your blunt words
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  #89  
Old 02-28-2013, 07:43 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
I know what is right but he is fighting hard to not let go of me

Well... maybe it's on you to make the call then and end it instead of expecting him to let go. Could you worry about you letting him go and tend your side of the pasture?

Is that where you could be at? Steeling yourself for what needs doing? Because if when you examine you are here...
  • You are willing.
  • You are not joyful.
  • This has not been healthy for any and you cannot make it so.

It does not meet all criteria. Not a runner, could be flogging a dying horse there. Could choose to remove your willing from the table then. With regrets, but firmly removed.

Could choose to shoot the horse in the name of mercy and long term UN-suffering for all, even the horse. Even if it takes some more short term suckage up ahead to slog through before you all arrive at the "free of all this and healthy again and no longer suffering" place.

Sigh. I am sorry. I am trying to see if there's another way but I really cannot.

Some choices in life are this stinks, and that stinks -- which stinks the least? Because the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one or few.

You ALL could benefit from unsuffering.

That outweighs his want to be in polyship. And maybe your desire not to shoot horses. Yet someone around here has to shoot the horse to release all from suffering. Sometimes if you love someone, you have to be the one to shoot and take that burden on yourself.

Sigh. BTDT. Not fun, but sometimes necessary.

I do not envy your position but I hope you can move forward toward your own healing.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-28-2013 at 08:18 PM.
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  #90  
Old 02-28-2013, 08:15 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Default Shooting the horse

Thanks for quick reply you are giving me strength

Problem is he's told me his life is over if he loses me and that he does not think he can get through this time

Your "Shooting the horse" analogy may not be an analogy In this case
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