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  #21  
Old 02-18-2012, 05:56 AM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Default Similar Experience

Thanks Bookbug. Yes your experience seems similar except you got out at 1year...we tried to end it earlier. I broke up a few times in the beginning because of her pain...then he did a few times...we kept finding our way back (always him or him/her saying she was open too) and I allowed it.

I dont hold blame out to her. How could you possibly know when you agree to spice up your marriage, what could come. However agree it does seem a little naive, especially as a woman, to think emotional connection wont come if you open your husband up to other women.

NOt sure the chance is left to ask for deadlines on timing. Apparently she has taken a turn for the worse after realizing that if offered it again, i'd choose one on one with him. Appears she is in a bad way over that, unable to get outside of herself to see the larger picture, and he is not talking now either. He needs time and space to think about what to do.
This is hell and its killing me inside.

Curious, how are you handling moving on while still being friends AND deeply in love/missing him???? How do you make that work?

Thanks

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
I've read through all of the thread and I feel your pain. I entered into a triad with a couple ~ childhood girlfriend and her husband (vee). We lived together. It seemed like it ought to be perfect because she and I already loved each other, and it turned out that her husband and I had an immediate connection the quickly turned to love.

And that was when it hit the fan. Turned out, my friend was okay with the sex, but not the love that developed between her husband and I. (Kind of effed up, huh? I mean what could she possibly have been thinking?) Anyway, my role went to sexless secondary almost over night, with me trying to be patient while they worked things out. The indefiniteness of the waiting pretty much drove me batshit crazy. Yet, I kept hanging in there because of my connection to her husband. (I could certainly relate to your description of how you feel about your guy.) It came down to the fact that he couldn't believe that she could turn around 180 degrees from discussing "moonlight marriages" to "it sickens me when you touch her". He kept thinking that given her initial enthusiasm, he could turn it back around. I was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to, and yet, I wanted to believe. It went on less than a year, but it seemed an eternity.

I no longer live with them, although miraculously we have all remained friends, and still love one another. I am moving on my life, yet he and I are still deeply in love and miss one another terribly. Like you though, I know he would miss his wife terribly if he were to leave her. Additionally, they have children and I knew from day one the children would be paramount in any decisions.

My point in sharing this is that I know how you feel, and secondly to recommend that if at all possible you try to get that timeline defined. Limbo is complete hell.
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  #22  
Old 02-19-2012, 01:42 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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W2BE, why hasnt your couple lived together for 18 months? Was that part of their breaking up and getting back together multiple times? Do you all now maintain separate apartments? Are there children in the mix? How old are you all? Did you all have 3way sex in the beginning?

Bringing in a 3rd to "spice up" a rocky marriage is not a good idea. I am surprised you've all held on for 5 years when everyone is so uncomfortable.
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  #23  
Old 02-19-2012, 08:20 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Hi Mag, they are separated due both to need for space and a job opportunity and we all have grown children.

We all have separate residences right now but that was supposed to be temporary. We were trying to work towards resolution of where/how to live when all this blew up this last week.

We have all shared 3 way intimacy, but not since this last reconciliation due to her trying to overcome her resentments, and our distance apart.

We held on so long because he and I are deeply in love and he really wants to try and keep his marriage and me too. It hurts beyond believe when we are apart.

Does this help?

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
W2BE, why hasnt your couple lived together for 18 months? Was that part of their breaking up and getting back together multiple times? Do you all now maintain separate apartments? Are there children in the mix? How old are you all? Did you all have 3way sex in the beginning?

Bringing in a 3rd to "spice up" a rocky marriage is not a good idea. I am surprised you've all held on for 5 years when everyone is so uncomfortable.
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  #24  
Old 02-19-2012, 09:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Wants2BEqual View Post
Hi Mag, they are separated due both to need for space and a job opportunity and we all have grown children.

We all have separate residences right now but that was supposed to be temporary. We were trying to work towards resolution of where/how to live when all this blew up this last week.

We have all shared 3 way intimacy, but not since this last reconciliation due to her trying to overcome her resentments, and our distance apart.

We held on so long because he and I are deeply in love and he really wants to try and keep his marriage and me too. It hurts beyond believe when we are apart.

Does this help?
OK, yes, the further information helps.

Generally when we talk about primaries here, it is meant that the primary couple shares a residence, finances and child care. More is usually done with them as regards shared friends and extended families.

Does his extended family know about you? Have they met you? Do you and he share holidays together, as a 2some or as a 3some? Do your bf and his wife share finances or did they separate them as well? Of course, they share children. Does your extended family and your friends know about your married bf, have they met?

What I am getting at is, you and he may already be co-primaries of a sort, after all this time and sharing of lives.

5 years is a long long time for the wife to have been holding resentment. I can see why you'd be upset she is requesting you and the guy take a break while he and she "reconnect."

When he says she is "sick and fragile," what does that mean? Is she mentally ill? Is she under a doctor's care, or in therapy? I'd think couples counseling would be in order for all of you, you and him, him and you, you and her.
Since you and she have shared lives and sexual activity for so long, you 2 are a "lesbian" couple as well, even though you aren't getting along now.

It seems to me, from here, she is in denial of the seriousness of his feelings for you, your feelings for him. Living in this limbo isnt good for anyone. There needs to be a full disclosure. Your needs are just as important to him as hers are. Now that you are finally speaking up, careful and full communication needs to take place, or else a clean break between one couple or another. I'm sure for all of you, it is very wearing.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #25  
Old 02-19-2012, 10:46 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Default Feeling very dark today

Thanks Mag,

A few family and friends know, but generally its been kept very discreet. We have not shared holidays together either. We were in the process of defining all of these kinds of things as well now that we decided to take it to the next level of triad or V living together (together or 2 sep homes). Again we all live far apart so any kind of living arrangement hasnt been an option these last years. Its been prioritized now because none of us are happy with a virtual relationship anymore and its kind of impossible to move forward without actual seeing each other in person more.

Yes four years is a really long time to have resentment. I think Her sickness is manifested from the situation of both being in a hard job alone in a town she hates for years without him, plus having to manage her marraige being open to him& I pushing her boundaries further and further. She has been vocal about her discomfort but she hasnt left the relationship herself, hanging tight. When he told her 3 years ago that he loved me, she was very hurt, and when i saw the hurt I was genuine and sincere telling her that if it was too much I could pull out. But she said no, we'd work it out. This has gone on and on.

He agreed the reconnection open ended time wasnt fair either, but after she and I met with a therapist, the therapist thought it made sense for her because of how fragile she is, and given I have a great deal of empathy, I also told my love it made sense if he felt he truly loved her and wanted to help her out of the pain. I couldnt stand seeing her like that either.

The hard pain now is that I might have pushed myself right out of the relationship because of my empathy towards her instead of just staying quiet and staying strongfast to my own needs. I keep telling myself that i did the right thing. IF we were truly to make it as 3 I have to have empathy for her, and I dont want to find out later if he left her for me that his love for her would make for deeper issues. She has no ability right now to feel empathy for me because of her living situation and need for reconnection with him first.

Anyway, feeling very dark today as the morning was our scheduled time together and we weren't.
I'm using the time myself to reflect upon the last 5 years. Talking to you guys here has been imeasurably comforting. TY so much.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
OK, yes, the further information helps.

Generally when we talk about primaries here, it is meant that the primary couple shares a residence, finances and child care. More is usually done with them as regards shared friends and extended families.

Does his extended family know about you? Have they met you? Do you and he share holidays together, as a 2some or as a 3some? Do your bf and his wife share finances or did they separate them as well? Of course, they share children. Does your extended family and your friends know about your married bf, have they met?

What I am getting at is, you and he may already be co-primaries of a sort, after all this time and sharing of lives.

5 years is a long long time for the wife to have been holding resentment. I can see why you'd be upset she is requesting you and the guy take a break while he and she "reconnect."

When he says she is "sick and fragile," what does that mean? Is she mentally ill? Is she under a doctor's care, or in therapy? I'd think couples counseling would be in order for all of you, you and him, him and you, you and her.
Since you and she have shared lives and sexual activity for so long, you 2 are a "lesbian" couple as well, even though you aren't getting along now.

It seems to me, from here, she is in denial of the seriousness of his feelings for you, your feelings for him. Living in this limbo isnt good for anyone. There needs to be a full disclosure. Your needs are just as important to him as hers are. Now that you are finally speaking up, careful and full communication needs to take place, or else a clean break between one couple or another. I'm sure for all of you, it is very wearing.

Last edited by Wants2BEqual; 02-20-2012 at 02:16 AM.
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  #26  
Old 02-20-2012, 04:48 AM
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You all live far apart? Why? How can you all become a thing if you're so far apart? Does she want to leave her job and move back in with him?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #27  
Old 02-21-2012, 12:03 AM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Default The majority of the relationship has been virtual,

We met online and didnt live nearby, but meet in person from time to time.

Thanks.

The majority of the relationship has been virtual, and we decided to move forward by having us all live in the same town. She is very anxious to leave her job and move back with him, and he and I are anxious to find a way to be together again too. Thus why we were looking at all these options/aveneues.

I know you think that's crazy that a virtual relationship with very little in person time has gone on 5 years, but we both had the ability to make it work via today's CAM/VIdeo tools plus meeting in person, but i guess we're not able to see sustaining it that way, and are anxious for non virtual for the long term.

THx

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You all live far apart? Why? How can you all become a thing if you're so far apart? Does she want to leave her job and move back in with him?
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  #28  
Old 02-21-2012, 12:39 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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OK, W2BE, I think I am finally getting a clear picture of the situation.

5 years ago, the wife agreed to let her h get together with you to "spice up the marriage." Things were a spicy triad for a while, NRE, 3 way sex, etc. They lived together, you lived miles away. You only met them in person from time to time, skyped in between.

All well and good. Then, NRE (her for you) faded, and the NRE between you and her man developed into love. This made the wife very nervous. She didn't really want true polyamory, just a unicorn who would be at their beck and call, sexually, and keep her damn mouth shut.

You put up with keeping your mouth shut for a time, but once you and the husband felt you loved each other, you started wanting more. OTOH, she wanted you around less, because of being afraid her h would choose you.

So, you are mono, she is mono, the h just wants two wives and is stuck in the middle with his lovers both resenting and being jealous of each other.

Meanwhile, the h and wife both lost jobs. She moved away from him, partly because she was angry with him for loving you, partly to find work. He is still in the original family home.

Now she wants to move back in with him, job or not. You're tired of this LDR and also want to move to be near him...

Gosh, despite the "unbearable" pain, if I were you, I'd step back and let this husband and wife sort out their shit. I'd give them a good six to eight months. Maybe chat from time to time, but take care of myself, develop hobbies, redecorate my apartment, take a long trip with a platonic friend, anything to distract myself from this troubled couple.

As I stated earlier, their original agreement was to have a mythical unicorn, with no needs of her own, just an infinite willingness to eat the crumbs off their marital table. Now that you are speaking up, you're not quite so much fun anymore.

Read this thread about secondaries' rights, click on the link in the OP

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20315

Read every thread on this board tagged secondary.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 02-21-2012 at 12:44 AM.
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  #29  
Old 02-21-2012, 03:00 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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That breakdown makes perfect sense, from where I'm sitting.

I really think your metamour wasn't expecting for the relationship to progress any further, especially for the fact that most of it has taken place online. I don't see where she put much stock into taking heed of possibilities outside of the original goal.
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  #30  
Old 02-21-2012, 06:18 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Obviously it isn't just YOU who has created the disconnect between husband and wife. Yes it sounds like she's in a difficult job/living situation, but YOU did not create that situation. That situation was going to happen regardless of your role in their lives. The stresses may have be intensified with you entering their lives, but part of her "Fragile" state is caused by a choice SHE made...or perhaps THEY made....to accept employment and move away from her husband. (I'm not saying the choice wasn't necessary, but I question how much ownership on the wife's behalf is going on here.)

So you and he are expected to put your relationship on hold because her life hasn't gone the way they expected or hoped?? Does this mean that anytime a partner has something difficult in their life, they can request that the other partners back off on their relationship??? It sounds to me that she has some decisions to make about whether or not to keep her current job and live apart from her husband. This is a decision that COULD be made regardless of whether or not her husband and you have a relationship. Perhaps instead of wanting the two of you to back off with each other, she should decide what she wants to do with her job/living situation....do it...and then talk about what next.

Since your guy sees her as "fragile" or "ill", however, it may be in your best interest to chose to back away for awhile...for your own sanity.... until HE can be clear about what he truly wants and whether or not he's willing to make some difficult choices.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 02-21-2012 at 06:22 AM.
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