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  #11  
Old 02-17-2012, 01:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AdamMicheal View Post
heyy there sweetheart.. seems to me like you aren't being done right.. you seem like a sweet girl and i think you can be done a hell of a lot better.. i'm kelsey and my husband's name is adam.. if you're looking for a more positive relationship, i hope you take my offer into consideration and atleast message me back.. you can do better..
She's said earlier in the thread that she feels that she's monogamous and wants to be "the one" to someone. If I were her I wouldn't be looking to get involved with a partnered man again right away.
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  #12  
Old 02-17-2012, 02:04 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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It sounds to me as if you're monagamous in a relationship with a poly man. I say this because if you were truly polyamarous your self; you would not feel like your connection with your boyfriend needed to be severed in order for you to find another relationship.

I know that you want your relationship with him to workout the way that you want, but that may just not be in the cards. Taking a break is almost as hard as breaking up completely. All I can do is offer you hugs. *hugs*
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  #13  
Old 02-17-2012, 02:29 AM
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I don't really see how a situation like that could work as a poly-fi triad - I mean, if my husband wanted to bring a lifelong friend of his I didn't really like that much to live with us in perpetuity, I would say no. If our relationship had to end over it, then...so be it. I find it odd you describe her as both reticent about the situation and bitter towards you, and are even considering living with both of them at some point (which is what I believe is the goal?). I could see he or I splitting our time living in two households if that became our ultimate desire in this situation, but I don't think anybody is ever too thrilled with that. Or I should say that most people who post about having to time-split with multiple "co-spouses" in two different homes instead of all living in the same building has seemed to be pretty stressed about it.

I certainly think that primary and secondary aren't the best words in the world but I do understand how they are useful here. My husband can love somebody all he wants, but our agreement was that we commit X amount of our time and energy to each other, and no other partner of either of ours will have more than 3x a week with us, unless we get along so swimmingly we decide group friendship time is something that's going to be incorporated to increase that amount (OR decide to change our current dynamic, which just isn't likely unless it goes from married to not married). Doesn't mean they couldn't be considered a primary partner too, it's just if they want more than that, they just wont get it.

I wonder if you have asked how he, and she, see the time being split if you live together. Just how would you like it? Perhaps she will be totally fine with things again at some point and want to spend more time with you and it will be pleasant and wonderful for everybody. If she requires 4 nights a week to sleep with him to feel OK, and you require 4 nights a week to sleep with him to feel OK, who gives? Do you know your minimum requirements that you need to be happy with the situation?

"He seemed to be taking on the view that she is demonizing me and deeply wounded, even "sick". "

It sounds like they really need to have some seriously honest talks. That sentence leads me to believe that it's not happening. I am surprised this has been going on for so many years. I do want to also say I am REALLY sad that you say this is the first time you have actually firmly stated your needs. I guess I am lucky that I make sure to do that at the beginning of any relationship and regularly, because I feel it really empowers me, and makes me brave enough to deal with all the odd situations that can come up in poly. It sounds like all three of you probably are failing to be brave enough to say the hard things that should've really been talked about.

Don't know if a good exercise would be for all three of you to write up a little mission statement document - what you would like the relationship to look like, what you can or cannot, or are or are not, willing to handle. I am guessing at this point things are so muddled that misconceptions are flying around, and what everybody really wants and feels is too wrapped up in painful feelings to be clearly understood by the other two of you in the situation.
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  #14  
Old 02-17-2012, 05:24 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Hi thanks for the sentiments, I am not as sweet as everyone thinks I am. Anyway, the fact is that I'm deeply in love. I've bonded with this man in many intense ways, heart, mind, soul, body, intellect, creativity, challenge, we compliement each other so well and I we have a soul connection on top of incredible attraction. If it doesnt work out, its doubtful I'd go looking for another poly situation but ty for the offer

Quote:
Originally Posted by AdamMicheal View Post
heyy there sweetheart.. seems to me like you aren't being done right.. you seem like a sweet girl and i think you can be done a hell of a lot better.. i'm kelsey and my husband's name is adam.. if you're looking for a more positive relationship, i hope you take my offer into consideration and atleast message me back.. you can do better..
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  #15  
Old 02-17-2012, 05:28 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Default I do feel poly with them

Thanks Derby. Yes I've been monogamous all my life. I do feel poly with them which suprised the hell out of me that i was/am that open. It just has to be that I'm equal. Being a secondary sucks I think unless I could also have others to fufull the unmet needs due to so much time missed with him.

But thats not on the table. And even if it was, I'm unsure how that will feel.

i
Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
She's said earlier in the thread that she feels that she's monogamous and wants to be "the one" to someone. If I were her I wouldn't be looking to get involved with a partnered man again right away.
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  #16  
Old 02-17-2012, 05:37 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Default Thanks for the hugs

Thanks BD. Hugs work today

I think you got it right. It already feels like a break up and its only been a few days that we havent talked while we make these decisions. Finding it hard to stay cool, the notes from everyone here are helping.

Re: being or not being poly.... I could be with others and stay with him while they work it out, but the 2 problems would be that it doesnt meet my need of not being a secondary (Albeit perhaps we could dispense with that term during this period and just call it a readjustment phase for all whereby I"m allowed to date). But 2nd, it would drive him crazy if I was with others. He doesnt share plus he isnt really choosing to leave me now. He's already said he'd choose me if it came down to it.. I think if there wasnt such an open ended time contstraint on their reconnection period, there would be more to work with here.

With him, I am quite willing to be poly even if he left his wife, I would not be opposed to another person down the line . However I wouldnt make the same mistakes....there would be awareness up front in establishing needs/boundaries, etc. We all learned hard and on the fly.

Thanks again for the hugs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
It sounds to me as if you're monagamous in a relationship with a poly man. I say this because if you were truly polyamarous your self; you would not feel like your connection with your boyfriend needed to be severed in order for you to find another relationship.

I know that you want your relationship with him to workout the way that you want, but that may just not be in the cards. Taking a break is almost as hard as breaking up completely. All I can do is offer you hugs. *hugs*
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  #17  
Old 02-17-2012, 05:42 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I have to ask, how do you deal with the fact that he needs you to share him (won't leave his wife) but refuses to share you (isn't ok with you having any other partners)? I think the double standard there would just piss me off so much that I wouldn't be able to deal, all the other stuff aside. How is it ok for him to require something from you that he won't/can't give you himself?
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  #18  
Old 02-17-2012, 06:04 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Default good question.

good question. We did try it once (his compersion), but it tore him up and I wasnt really present with the other folks. And I really do like her and am able to be content knowing just the 3 is the limits of the relationship. We all agreed the relationship is already so complicated without adding others. WE just dont have the base relationship down yet. Its really a matter of 3 people brand new at this stuff (meaning none of us have tried it with others) are trying hard to figure it out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I have to ask, how do you deal with the fact that he needs you to share him (won't leave his wife) but refuses to share you (isn't ok with you having any other partners)? I think the double standard there would just piss me off so much that I wouldn't be able to deal, all the other stuff aside. How is it ok for him to require something from you that he won't/can't give you himself?
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  #19  
Old 02-17-2012, 06:11 PM
Wants2BEqual Wants2BEqual is offline
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Default mapped our needs

Thanks Anne

He did a wonderful job mapping our each of our needs, desires, and the options in front of us. They have talked at great length.

When she realized my need to be equal, she refused and he ended the marraige. But the pain was too much for both of them so the new scenario is that she'll go for it once they can reconnect a while without me.

The problem is that the timeline is too open ended and doesnt meet my 2 greatest needs of not being in limbo anymore, and not being a secondary. Why that isnt even secondary, thats kind of "out of the picture"

NOw he's in an impossible spot. It was probably stupid of me but I told him that if he really does love her, he might consider the reconnection time with her, becuase a) if he leaves her now for me and really still loves her, its only going to be a bigger issue somewhere down the line and b)she is very fragile and has stood by him a very long time. She probably doesnt see it, but my doing this I think does show her I care about her too.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I don't really see how a situation like that could work as a poly-fi triad - I mean, if my husband wanted to bring a lifelong friend of his I didn't really like that much to live with us in perpetuity, I would say no. If our relationship had to end over it, then...so be it. I find it odd you describe her as both reticent about the situation and bitter towards you, and are even considering living with both of them at some point (which is what I believe is the goal?). I could see he or I splitting our time living in two households if that became our ultimate desire in this situation, but I don't think anybody is ever too thrilled with that. Or I should say that most people who post about having to time-split with multiple "co-spouses" in two different homes instead of all living in the same building has seemed to be pretty stressed about it.

I certainly think that primary and secondary aren't the best words in the world but I do understand how they are useful here. My husband can love somebody all he wants, but our agreement was that we commit X amount of our time and energy to each other, and no other partner of either of ours will have more than 3x a week with us, unless we get along so swimmingly we decide group friendship time is something that's going to be incorporated to increase that amount (OR decide to change our current dynamic, which just isn't likely unless it goes from married to not married). Doesn't mean they couldn't be considered a primary partner too, it's just if they want more than that, they just wont get it.

I wonder if you have asked how he, and she, see the time being split if you live together. Just how would you like it? Perhaps she will be totally fine with things again at some point and want to spend more time with you and it will be pleasant and wonderful for everybody. If she requires 4 nights a week to sleep with him to feel OK, and you require 4 nights a week to sleep with him to feel OK, who gives? Do you know your minimum requirements that you need to be happy with the situation?

"He seemed to be taking on the view that she is demonizing me and deeply wounded, even "sick". "

It sounds like they really need to have some seriously honest talks. That sentence leads me to believe that it's not happening. I am surprised this has been going on for so many years. I do want to also say I am REALLY sad that you say this is the first time you have actually firmly stated your needs. I guess I am lucky that I make sure to do that at the beginning of any relationship and regularly, because I feel it really empowers me, and makes me brave enough to deal with all the odd situations that can come up in poly. It sounds like all three of you probably are failing to be brave enough to say the hard things that should've really been talked about.

Don't know if a good exercise would be for all three of you to write up a little mission statement document - what you would like the relationship to look like, what you can or cannot, or are or are not, willing to handle. I am guessing at this point things are so muddled that misconceptions are flying around, and what everybody really wants and feels is too wrapped up in painful feelings to be clearly understood by the other two of you in the situation.
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  #20  
Old 02-17-2012, 10:34 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I've read through all of the thread and I feel your pain. I entered into a triad with a couple ~ childhood girlfriend and her husband (vee). We lived together. It seemed like it ought to be perfect because she and I already loved each other, and it turned out that her husband and I had an immediate connection the quickly turned to love.

And that was when it hit the fan. Turned out, my friend was okay with the sex, but not the love that developed between her husband and I. (Kind of effed up, huh? I mean what could she possibly have been thinking?) Anyway, my role went to sexless secondary almost over night, with me trying to be patient while they worked things out. The indefiniteness of the waiting pretty much drove me batshit crazy. Yet, I kept hanging in there because of my connection to her husband. (I could certainly relate to your description of how you feel about your guy.) It came down to the fact that he couldn't believe that she could turn around 180 degrees from discussing "moonlight marriages" to "it sickens me when you touch her". He kept thinking that given her initial enthusiasm, he could turn it back around. I was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to, and yet, I wanted to believe. It went on less than a year, but it seemed an eternity.

I no longer live with them, although miraculously we have all remained friends, and still love one another. I am moving on my life, yet he and I are still deeply in love and miss one another terribly. Like you though, I know he would miss his wife terribly if he were to leave her. Additionally, they have children and I knew from day one the children would be paramount in any decisions.

My point in sharing this is that I know how you feel, and secondly to recommend that if at all possible you try to get that timeline defined. Limbo is complete hell.
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