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Old 02-26-2014, 04:22 AM
Devirajni Devirajni is online now
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Default After their weekend...

...so my boyfriend had his monthly weekend with his husband this past weekend. I didn't suffer agonies of wondering if he was preferring to be with him, or anything like that. I am proud of myself for that - it's the first time the husband has visited the town where my boyfriend and I live and work since we got together seriously. I was fine. But I expected that when I saw my boyfriend on Monday he would give me some indication that his head was back with me, and he didn't. In fact, I had to bring up when we were seeing each other again (this Friday - I organised childcare and everything). Do other mono/poly couples (or poly/poly couples for that matter) have a set regime for reconnecting? Even if I am a secondary, shouldn't there be some check-in to say "Hey, still want you, just because I engaged with my primary doesn't mean don't still want this and care about you"? Not sure if I'm over-reacting.
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Old 03-07-2014, 03:50 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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If reassurance is something you NEED, ask for it. Personally, I think it is something that I would rationalize away.

Just because he spent time with his husband doesn't mean he cares for you less. It just means he got to be with someone else he cares about, too.

When he is with you, does that make him care for his husband less? Does he have to contact his husband every time he's been with you to say that he still cares?

You mention him having his head back with you.. What do you mean by that? Do you expect him to be entirely focused on you when his husband is out of town? Surely they are talking and stuff even when they aren't physically together. That would mean that your boyfriend is splitting his attention ALL THE TIME (and still making you feel cared for), not just when his husband is in town.

Random thoughts. Not sure if it's helpful or not.
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Old 03-07-2014, 04:05 AM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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I would say the same thing, if (for now) you need a reconnection...then you should communicate that and together figure out what that means for you guys.

I can definitely see the rational behind needed some sort of reassurance that his love is still there, that he values you too. There in nothing wrong with that. Everyone, even a pet wants and needs affection and reassurance. And we all know actions speak louder than words. I am new to poly, 2 years in so I am no expert.

But I need reassurance when my primary returns from a date. I have given him a list of the actions that I feel help me feel LOVED by him.

For example:
1. watching a movie with me
2. A nice long hug
3. A nice long kiss
4. I nice bubble bath together
5. bring me a glass of wine, after a hard days work
etc...
The suggestion of things that he can do to help me feel important to him. He uses my list when he returns, relationships are work, and having him put in some work to re-establish your guys's connection would probably go a long way.

I say, let him know how you feel, don't push those feelings aside. (They may fester and surface later in an unhealthy way.) See what he has to say and then go from there. Find what works for both of you, but I get it, I need a reset too when my "love" returns to me

Last edited by Mahogany; 03-07-2014 at 04:20 AM.
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Old 03-07-2014, 03:41 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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I get what you mean about reconnection. You want a reaffirmation that you're in his thoughts and nothing has changed. My partner M can switch from very lovey dovey after a date with someone else or very matter of fact.

Quote:
Do you expect him to be entirely focused on you when his husband is out of town? Surely they are talking and stuff even when they aren't physically together. That would mean that your boyfriend is splitting his attention ALL THE TIME (and still making you feel cared for), not just when his husband is in town.
This was something it took me awhile to get. Reconnecting, the intentional giving of a little (or a lot) of extra attention after coming back to reassure you, can seem unnecessary to your partner. They may not see it at switching back and forth, but more like Always said above - a constant state of contact with BOTH of you. Think of it like a track event. While you think it's like a baton pass back and forth in a relay race, your partner may just see it as all of you running together.

If you get to spend the most physical time with your partner and they receive texts or phone calls, you may wonder why you don't get as many texts and phone calls as your metamour when your partner is with his boyfriend. It can kinda seem uneven, right? I'd simply say you need to realize that the trade off for being with your partner more than your metamour is that you won't get as much remote contact.

You're not overreacting. It's human to want a reaffirmation...and partners aren't always at the same place when it comes to that need. Even if you need more than your partner, that doesn't make you needy necessarily.
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  #5  
Old 03-08-2014, 08:47 PM
Devirajni Devirajni is online now
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Default Thanks!

Everyone, thank you so much for your input on this...for clarification's sake, he does not text or call his husband when he is with me, and when he is with him, I do not hear from him (except once, when he Skyped me at Christmas and had to hang up abruptly when his husband came into the room). He compartmentalizes us, at least in actions; I am sure he is *thinking* about the other from time to time. As this is my first interaction with poly, and I am mono, I did not know that other people have an "all running together" approach! That sounds like a good way to think about it.

It may be that my boyfriend is over-compensating in the other direction; he thinks that because I am *available* geographically all of the time (although I see him once a week on average) that he doesn't need to reassure me, because I am the one "here". I will talk to him about this and hopefully we can think of something that will work for us.

I am especially grateful for those who shared how they reconnect with their partners - some great ideas there!
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  #6  
Old 03-10-2014, 02:11 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Isn't it weird how everyone is different? Just because you're the one in physical proximity, it's assumed you don't need a reconnection. I've definitely been in the same boat. But I'm like you, I need a bit more than that. My partner M has gotten MUCH better about reconnecting after her dates. Communicate that and I'm sure you'll both gravitate towards a better resolution.
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