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  #21  
Old 10-17-2010, 10:31 PM
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Today was supposed to be a day for just Breathes & myself but I think he really, REALLY needs some time to himself with no demands on him or his time. Friday night was supposed to be his gaming night with Possibility & family but he got called in to work to fill in for a co-worker who doesn't know how to clean up spilled water before he slips & falls in it, giving himself a concussion. He then had to go to help his sister with something yesterday. On his way there, 45 minutes one way by bus, he got a call that he needed to work last night as well. We will get our time together later on but right now he just needs his time to let his brain relax.

Things with Possibility are great. Of course, a lot of that could have to do with the fact we aren't primaries/living together so don't have to deal with the every day humdrum things that we do have to deal with when with primaries/live ins. No matter, things with us are good, better than good really. Our relationship is having a positive affect on his relationships with his family. It's having a positive affect here as well .

Breathes and I just haven't had as much time to spend with each other the last couple of months. Some of this had to do with my different work shifts, some of it had to do with our lives getting a little busier & some of it is my being blinded by NRE (gah, I hate being reminded of it) & being forced back to reality by Breathes.

We've been together just over five years and most of those five years it has been just the two of us relationship wise. He's had a friend with benefits whom he saw occasionally but nothing actually serious. Essentially we've been living monogamously in practice while being polyamorous in thought and spirit. It's taken him some time to come to terms with the fact that I've got a secondary whom I truly do care for.
Someone who is just as good for me as he is, only in different ways. I love them both but in different ways and for different things. The relationship dynamics are totally different for the two relationships. They both fulfill different parts of me.

I just talked to Breathes about some relationship stuff.

Possibility and I spent most of Monday together. The day was planned as an M/s time together right from the start. He finally got here & I managed to let him take some time to get comfortable & come to terms with the change that was about to happen. After an hour or so of cuddling and holding him he was ready. We took that next step. I am the Dominant one, he is the sub. After the play time, or perhaps during play time, our sexual beings came out play . Eventually we wound down, lol.


I told Breathes the general gist of what happened once we were alone. I got this double take look of hurt or anger. I was finally able, ready?, to talk to him about it today. The look was fear. Fear of how he could react. The look was him taking stock of his reaction, seeing if he was angry or jealous or anything. He's fine with how things are going and what is happening as long as I keep my primary relationship primary in my thoughts and actions . Right now the NRE is what's causing the biggest problem, that and lack of time together.

We met Possibility three or four years ago. He asked me to be his secondary a couple of years ago. With life being itself normal self, family life & misunderstandings and hurt feelings it's taken us two years to get to the point where we are currently at. We are play partners, with my being the Dominant One, we are friends & lovers. There are many different facets to our relationship. We can talk about different things. I amaze him because I can relax just by watching him play one of his video games, something I gather none of his other partners does, or has, ever been able to do before. He makes me giggle because his mouth tries to go as fast as his mind does & is very unsuccessful a lot of the time.

Possibility is so very cute when he's in sub mode. He gets quiet, something I don't get very much of at any given time. My kids demand my attention, Breathes loves to talk to which I need to give my attention. Possibility talks a lot during normal times. There is almost constant noise at his house, too.

As I was saying....he's cute in sub mode. He gets quiet and contemplative...he calls it thinkative, lol. Some of his triggers are cute and expected, others are such strong triggers that I'm totally floored by the reaction & strength of it. His reactions are very aural, not verbal as in actual intelligible words, but aural as in gutteral, bestial sounds for the most part and some girlish squealing.

It's been a lot of years since I allowed my Dominant side out. It is such a relief to be able to do so. I love to be beaten, in a good way of course, but I love just as equally to cause someone else the type of pain that causes that feral growl or girlish squeal, the body shakes, the emotions & sexual tensions, the eventual stress relief.

After play time & coming down we gathered some food & walked to his place for a non-Thanksgiving dinner. Both families got together for dinner & discussion! It was an awesome time, a time I think we would all like to repeat. I've brought up the thought of maybe doing it once a month as a time to get together, connect as a group and just have some fun. I've just got to talk to one or two other people about it. I've found it's better to talk to each person personally rather than depending another person to relay a message. Either the message gets garbled or forgotten, NOT a good thing.
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Old 10-24-2010, 03:23 AM
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Something is happening that I foresaw many months ago, only in reverse.

For the better part of five, nearly six, years we have been poly in theory but not had much chance to practice it.

Breathes has had a friend or two whom he plays with on the very rare occasion & I haven't had anyone other than him & platonic friends. Now I've got Possibility & Breathes' occasional play dates are less & less frequent. I love the fact I have another but I'm not happy about the fact Breathes doesn't really have anyone else on a regular basis.

What I foresaw was the amount of time we had been spending was a lot more than what we are getting now & the one who doesn't have another partner is feeling the lack. I think part of it is that we may be in the same apartment but we're in totally different rooms doing our own thing.

The being in separate rooms is something I want to change, desperately. Unfortunately it's a small apartment, not really big enough for the four of us plus various friends who visit or sleep over, so rearranging things will be a nearly impossible challenge.

I will cut what I'm doing short in order to go spend time with Breathes in the other room. I will ask him to come & watch his movie (or whatever it is he's doing) in the room I'm in. I will leave my texting or IMing to be with him.

Hmmmmmmmm, maybe I AM feeling the lack, not just him.

Well, I need to do some last little things to our Hallowe'en costumes for tomorrow night (sewing, YUCK!) & spend some time with Breathes while he watches Spinal Tap (gag).
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Old 10-24-2010, 08:36 PM
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I am NOT a happy camper! I will be in just a couple of hours though.

My brother & SIL & their drama could bring a Saint to swear.

Breathes' work schedule this week totally freaking sucks! After the party tonight I won't get to see him again until Wednesday night then I won't see him again until probably some time Saturday *sigh*.

We complain about not being able to spend much quality time together & what happens? What we do have is cut in half, if not less than that! I don't count time spooning while asleep as quality time!

Possibility's work schedule sucks too *sigh*. He's doing split shifts on Wednesdays & Thursdays. Every other Thursday is supposed to be our night . I know why he's doing the split shifts & why Thursday has to be one of them, that doesn't mean I have to like it though *huff*.

blah

Bright note: Hallowe'en/play party tonight! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will be getting a whole bunch of needs met tonight so hopefully that will tide me over until next weekend.
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Old 10-26-2010, 09:23 AM
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Yeah, right, tide me over????? Not so much. I forgot about one very important aspect which drives me totally bonkers! subdrop!

Sunday night was totally awesome! We had a blast!

I got played on, played on Possibility, Breathes played on someone else....great time had by all.

I had made arrangements to have Possibility here tonight because if I'm going to drop it's usually 48 hours later. Foiled by my body once again! I spent yesterday dropping . Fortunately Possibility and I had plans yesterday evening which could be changed. Instead of his getting some practice driving in for his test next week we just hung out at his place. I got some much needed down time & had people around & we got to spend some time together. We'll do the driving tonight if I'm feeling up to it by then.

I do everything in my power to avoid sub drop! It is not a pleasant experience for me, I'd rather visit the dentist. This was a totally new & different aspect of my D/s which had not been explored as yet so the unknowns were there. Now I know that I can NOT be played on & then almost immediately go to play on someone else.

If things had gone as planned there would have been a couple of hours between sessions but life being what it is that just didn't happen *sigh*.

Endorphins had me flying high only I wasn't feeling it at the point where I made the decision to play again *sigh*.

Live & learn.
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Old 10-30-2010, 10:36 PM
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OK, so this morning's post got lost in the ether????? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I must not have finished it and closed out the window without realizing it .

Sunday night Breathes' *friend* (I don't know what to call her that isn't derogatory. I can't stand her.) was at the party as well. I was OK with that. I've come to terms with the fact that that won't be reserved just for us any more.

He told her about our going to a public Hallowe'en party tonight . I'm NOT happy about this. It was supposed to be just us and another friend whom I adore. She surprised him yesterday with a text saying that she was going tonight . I'll do my very best to be polite when I MUST speak to her & pretend she's not there the rest of the time. This won't be easy since she will stick to him like glue. Since we've spent hardly any time together the last little while, & this coming week isn't promising either, I was kind of looking forward to it.

They got together Thursday morning &, true to form, she wanted sex! He had warned me ahead of time that this would likely be the case. He also told me what he would say. He simply told her no. He was supposed to tell her the reason behind the rejection but, apparently, she was a cranky bitch & whining about it so he decided to wait until she's in a better mood to discuss the reasons behind his saying no.

The reason? He wants her to get her STD tests done. A very, VERY viable reason IMNSHO!!! Her safe sex practices aren't necessarily the greatest. She sleeps with every Tom, Dick & Henrietta available & I don't think she's very stringent about the condom rule. (her 6 month old son is testament to either no condom or a faulty condom). I sent him the link to the local Aids committee which does the tests for free (free here in Ontario any way) & you don't need a doctor's request form to get them so if she doesn't feel she can do this through her doctor they can still be done since they are done anonymously.

It's not just him I'm worried about. It's me, Possibility, Possibility's other partners, any partners any of us may have in the future & on down the line.

I was looking forward to tonight's party, not so much now. I'm hoping I can make an early exit, leaving them there & make my way home on the bus. Me, looking forward to going to a BAR, is really an accomplishment & now that's been tainted. I'm extremely sound sensitive so a noisy bar isn't the best place for me to be. Ear plugs are definitely in order for the night.

Oh yeah, I was hoping to talk to her tonight about Breathes' birthday party in two weeks so she could make babysitter arrangements. He just warned me that she can't keep her mouth shut so to give her one week or less notice so he won't get wind of it *sigh*. Bright side? With such short notice she might not be able to find a babysitter! Since one of the venues is 19+ she can NOT bring the kids with her! They don't listen, I don't like them & don't want them around! Generally I love kids but hers just rub me the wrong way. Maybe because nearly every time I see her they are there, not listening & doing pretty much what they want. Plus, any meets are at McYuck's play land which means I can't hear anything being said because of the noise level *sigh*

Things aren't so good at work right now . We're working four day weeks. Great you say? Who wouldn't want that? Someone who was hoping to use her remaining four days of unallocated vacation time to go on a short trip with Possibility in June, that's who! Those days are now used up with the Fridays off . Not to mention: not working those days means I'm not accumulating any vacation pay either so, come July when Vacation pay is paid out there won't be nearly as much there as there should be! If they could get the government to pay for that one day (Ontario Works) it would all be good but they haven't been able to get it .

Good side of things.

Possibility has his driver's test on Thursday! Hopefully he gets the next level so I won't have to be designated passenger any more. (We have graduated licensing here. Any questions I'll be happy to answer.)

We all had a blast last night for as long as I was at Possibility's place. My kids went to youth group, which is in their neighborhood, so instead of coming all the way home I go visit while they get started on their D&D game & I wait for one of the kids to call to let me know they're ready to leave. I surprised myself, actually. It seems I do pay attention when I don't think I am, lol. They had other friends there as well who were watching TV in the basement & couldn't figure out how to get the sound to work. Someone neglected to turn on the tuner, or whatever it is, so they would have sound. I turned it on when I went to get my coat & all was good.

Time to eat & start getting dressed for the party *sigh*. With the advent of fwb going I don't really want to go any more ;(.
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Old 10-31-2010, 12:30 PM
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So last night's party happened. Adored friend & I got there late, leaving Breathes & fwb there alone for two hours! They were going to wait to go in but I told Breathes to just go in & have fun, we'd get there when we got there. They went in & just sat there, in the corner, talking and looking at the shoes! I told them to go ahead so they could dance, or whatever so they wouldn't be bored & freezing while they waited. At least they weren't freezing? The dance floor WAS packed to over flowing but still.......

Frankly I was hoping friend would get here late enough that I would have already gone to bed.

I can not STAND fwb at all! He knows this. They have a lot of history so I'm reluctant to simply veto it. She just rubs me the wrong way. The walls she put up to prevent me from getting too close plus my brutal honesty simply put a stop to any relationship we might have had very early on. Now she's just being nice after years of being not nice &, at times, down right means. She tries to have a conversation, compliments me &, frankly, it's scaring me. I'm wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. What she's got planned in that devious brain of hers. It could simply be that she sees that I'm not going any where but I doubt it.

I must say I looked hawt last night! I was a black angel, friend was a white angel (she looked super hawt, lol) and he was a devil. I was all in black with a little bit of silver--super short skirt, black corsette type top, black fishnets, black sweater & black four inch maryjanes with black wings & halo! Got lots of looks, some compliments, saw the huge grinz on guys faces. This should have made me feel all confident & stuff & it did until I was in fwb's presence . She just saps it all from me. I'm an energy vampire so being in a room with so much positive energy I should have been flying high when we left. Not so, she's such a negative force in my life that it negates any positive effects I would normally receive .

I really need to work on not letting her affect me in such a way but I'm at a loss as to how to go about it. Hmmmm, sounds like a forum post in the making.....

Meh. I'll be OK. I'm already feeling better having typed this out.

We're going to lunch with a friend today then to see Rocky Horror in the movie theater tonight! I'm not so hot on the lunch as I can get fish & chips here in town but I AM excited about the movie! I've only ever seen it on TV so seeing it on the big screen really has me excited, lol.
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Old 11-05-2010, 09:32 AM
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Breathes has surprised me once again!

He called me from work Monday night to say good-night as he always does when he works evenings. We got to talking about Saturday night. He has decided to tell fwb that they will be sticking to strictly friends from now on, no more play & definitely no more sex! Her attitude is really starting to piss him off & he remembered some advice adored friend gave to him about another relationship & applied it to this one. Adored friend had told him that it was selfish of him to try to keep up a relationship with someone especially when it was hurting me because it was hurting him!

Let me try to clarify that. The person was hurting him with her attitude & unwillingness to communicate & it was hurting me because I hurt when he hurts.

Earlier on Monday I had sent him an email asking for a couple of concessions concerning fwb while I worked on my attitude toward her & tried to figure out what, exactly, was setting me off. When he told me his decision I asked him if that decision came from the email I had sent-he hadn't even read his email at that point so didn't know what the heck I was talking about! I'm happy that he's made the decision but sad that it had to come to this. It's a long story which I don't have the time for right now.

In other news...Possibility passed his driver's test! YAY! I thought this would mean no more designated passenger status for me, WRONG! It seems his partner isn't comfortable with his driving solo just yet *sigh*

Breathes & I got our first alone time this week last night! WOOT! Ordered in pizza & wings, watched Ultra Violet & got a foot rub! Life is good!
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Old 11-06-2010, 04:25 PM
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Now that I've got 15 minutes.....

Breathes......annoying? Never! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight .

His birthday is next Sunday & I've got some stuff in the works for the whole weekend. His curiosity is going to drive ME bonkers! He's asking leading questions, giving me suggestions & enjoying (I think) the fact I won't say anything other than "You'll find out when the time is right" or "Birthday/Christmas surprises". He can't stand it when someone ruins a surprise for him as former fwb is wont to do.

He hasn't had a chance yet to talk to former fwb yet about the fact he's no longer interested in her for anything other than friendship. Understandably this is a conversation he wants to have face to face despite the fact he knows how badly she'll react. He's been happier since he made that decision though. YAY!

Things with Possibility are going good although his attitude towards his other partners is going to drive me 'round the bend! The attitude has always been there I guess I'm just now starting to see it better & realize that it does bother me. He loves them but the way they banter back & forth sometimes puts me on edge. It's something I'll have to talk to him about at some point.

Son's homework assignment--recipes with bibliography. He wants to do Southern recipes in honour of my heritage . I've got some phone numbers & Southern cooks books plus my mom's recipes so he should have plenty to work with .

Off to work on a cousin's assignment, lol. Flat Stanly--they want to learn about different parts of the world (grade 1) so they want some unique things about our part of the world--Can't get much more unique than Mennonites & Oktoberfest!
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Old 11-09-2010, 10:26 AM
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Breathes' birthday present arrived in plenty of time! YAY!!! Now I just need to go get the other half of it . It's Jeff Dunham's biography, Arguing with Myselves which was just released on Nov. 2, & the DVD which has been out for some time.

Friday night is cake & ice cream with Possibility's family (who also happen to be his gaming partners). Saturday is his to do with as he likes (probably sleep since he's worked nearly three weeks straight with only a couple of days off & is starting to drag) until about 5:00 when we'll get ready to go out for the evening! Dinner at a local Mexican restaurant with family and friends then off to Yuk Yuk's for an evening of comedy! (Sam Easton from Final Destination 3 & L Word is the comic). Sunday is more time for himself (sleeping again?) and dinner with his family! A full weekend and all devoted to HIM!

I got to spend about half of Sunday with Possibility. He came over here & we got some play time in! WOOT!!!

We have discovered that I absolutely LOVE to play with his nipples! lol Whenever we leave each other he ALWAYS has sore nipples! hehehehehe So many delightful ways to torture them, so many delightful noises & I do believe his wife is slightly sadistic as well, lmao. She will tweak them, grab them just to hear him groan or squeal, lol.

Apparently our relationship is helping him with his other relationships although his husband did make a comment the other day about his doing things for his girlfriend that he wouldn't do for them????? Possibility has said that he's now trying to do more things FOR his other partners so they will be able to see that it isn't JUST for me that he does things.

It's something which is really quite simple. He's got a really bad habit of eating in front of the computer and not taking the dishes & garbage to the kitchen. That has now stopped because I told him either it stopped or he lost that privilege & would be eating in the kitchen! His hubby asked me to do something about it soooooooooooo, I did .

Yep, I'm happy. It's not always easy going, it's not always good times. Sometimes it's discussions which need to happen. Some times life happens & gets in the way, forcing us to do those necessary things which we would much rather leave to another day (procrastination is the bane of my existence) or not do at all. Some how it all gets done & I'm able to get back to the fun times again for a while. Either way I'm happy. The only thing that could really make it better would be for Breathes to have a partner whom I could actually like and get along with.

Life is about to happen. I need to get off of here, fix work lunches & hie myself off to work *sigh*.
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Old 11-11-2010, 10:28 AM
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A couple of weeks ago Possibility kind of half jokingly mentioned that it would be kind of neat if all of us got a place together. We've talked about it once since then. I think it would be kind of neat to have everyone together.

Right now the thought is just rolling around in my brain, getting the feel of it, deciding if it feels right or not. I haven't mentioned it to Breathes yet as I'm not quite sure yet how I feel about it & it's better for me to wait until I'm sure of my feelings before even attempting a discussion because I end up tripping over my tongue trying to find the right words. Most of the time I would think it would be great but then I think about my needing quiet time & wonder how I would get that with all those people around. There would be five adults, two kids under ten & two teens (the teens are part time). That's a whole lot of people!

I told him that we should wait at least a year. We want to make sure things will work out between us, save up the money and look for a place. I think buying would be a lot cheaper than renting though especially since we would need at least six bedrooms, plus kitchen/dining room, living room, bathroom, basement which could be converted to media room, laundry room, etc.

It's only in these early morning hours that I feel kind of blah about it, like my brain just doesn't want to work yet so I think I'll let my brain finish waking up, lol.

My dad's leaving today for two weeks in Washington visiting his brother. It's the first time he's been since Mom died. We had a family dinner last night. The food was OK (it's never awesome there, I DO wish he'd find another place to eat *sigh*) He got a family picture taken, all eight of us.

Hnnnnn, I'm feeling rather melancholy for some reason
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