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  #1  
Old 02-08-2015, 07:22 AM
Danielsen Danielsen is offline
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Default New poly-relationship has me in crisis!

Hello,

I am so grateful for this forum because I am desperate. A week ago my wife confessed to me her feelings for a good friend of ours. They both have been talking about this for a while. Nothing happened behind my back except feelings that were never sought after but developed. This week has been a rollercoaster and just when I think I have accepted the idea. Tonight was there first sleep-over and I am so bothered by this. They joke about what his roomate will think of the whole thing like its fun and awesome, but i'm not in the picture i'm not having any fun with this. My wife is so supportive and loving and I know she loves us both equally. Sorry I digress. I'm concerned about sex to be blunt, one of these nights they are going to have it and what if it is great? What if he is bigger than me will she enjoy him more. My wife and I already have a great sex life which she never fails to assure me of, but she has never been with another man. What does she know. I'm scared that his physical attributes will destroy our sex life. Maybe he will feel even better than me. I know I'm getting personal here but dammit I don't know what to think. I don't know how women think and some reason I'm scared that she will prefer him over me physically. I don't know to do please help.
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  #2  
Old 02-08-2015, 08:01 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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Hi there
You have come to the right place, and you are brilliant for pursuing this and being willing to work at it. This shows your love and commitment to your wife and the value that you and your wife place on the relationship.

All these fears are based on no evidence, and you are imagining the worst. it is called "awfulising" in therapy, I believe.

Are there things you could do, and things you could ask your wife to do to help you -

like perhaps

Do you want to know the details or not?
Is there a time or a frequency you would like to hear from her when she is out with him (from what I have seen , this frequency will change over time once you get used to her being out)
Would you prefer her not to sleep over with him when it happens?
Can you spend the time doing something awesome for yourself at the same time she is out?
Can you spend the time with a friend or stay over with one for support when she is out?
Have you considered that even though the sex with him might be good, that it wont mean sex with you isnt any more? She might even come home sexier, more confident, less inhibited and full of new ideas of things to try with you - it could make your sex life even better - did you consider that?



on how woman think - well,,,,,,,, lol, when someone figures that out and writes a book, they will have $$$$$$$$ beyond belief.

But the best thing you can do is look NOW for the book "ethical slut" and start reading it. You could even read it with your wife?

When might the deed happen? Let us know
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Old 02-08-2015, 08:22 AM
Danielsen Danielsen is offline
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Default The Deed

Thanks for your kind response and support. The date for the deed to be done has not been established yet. I do know that she will let me know and we may talk about it as we have no secrets. I don't know how to deal with these overwhelming pains i get in my gut. Like today I asked if she was looking forward to spending the night with this guy and she said yes she is really excited. She wants to be close to him and connect with him. It hurts me whenever she expresses interest in being with him. I am trying to be open minded and she is very supportive and understanding of me, but I'm so scared. I know it seems trivial and I know that polyamory isn't about the sex, but it is the sex that I can't get over. All of the things you have told me about the sex she has told me about how it will make her want more and feel sexier with me, but he might have the golden penis and she might enjoy herself so much with him in that way, she has never had sexual relations with anyone other than me I am her first. Now she is expanding her horizons sexually, and the thought of her enjoying herself with another man inside her makes me so hurt. I want happiness for her, truly, but this think I can't reconcile in my head. My wife having sex with another man I never thought I would say that. Sorry for my rambling.
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Old 02-08-2015, 09:38 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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Well, you keep rambling, we are here to help you.

You have courage and strength, my friend, and i hope you have read the success stories on here. If you think its jealousy, there are many resources listed here.

Did you look up the book? I think you need it NOW!!
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  #5  
Old 02-08-2015, 09:45 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=26

Have a look at this list of resources.
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Old 02-08-2015, 01:51 PM
tenK tenK is offline
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Your wife told you a week ago that a) she's in love with someone, b) she'd like to open up your closed marriage, and c) that she wants to start a sexual relationship with this man she has strong feelings for. No wonder your head is spinning and full of insecurities! In my opinion, things are moving incredibly fast, and I think it's probably in everyone's best interests (you, your wife, prospective boyfriend) if you ask for a little time here to work through things before they jump right in. Far better to let you process your feelings and work on getting your fears under wraps before she rushes into sexy naked time - as that action and any consequences coming from that cannot be undone as it were. Why risk getting completely emotionally overloaded, jeopardising any chance of this being a successful experience for all three of you, for one night of sex? What's the rush?

I think it's clear that you are working hard to accept your wife's feelings, and you say she has been very supportive and reassuring to you so far. That's great, and you can build from there. If they've had feelings for each other a while, they may be impatient to explore their connection, but if this is ever going to be a successful scenario, all three of you need to be on the same page as to what you are comfortable with. Them having sex, is not something you are currently comfortable with. You know why, you have identified the source of your discomfort, so you're not hopelessly lost in a sea of negative icky feelings. You can be specific to your wife (and him, if you feel comfortable enough) and say that you need time to get your head around the idea of feeling compared. You are not saying 'never' to them. In your wife's shoes I would rather build slowly towards a stable relationship configuration, with both of my partners on board and happy, then one where I satisfy my immediate urges at the expense of my other partners immediate happiness and long-term satisfaction for everyone.

If you don't feel able to ask them to slow down, I think that's something to be concerned about, and it would make me feel unsure of how supportive your wife really is. Poly dating is not like mono dating. Sometimes you have to be patient and wait for things. If her prospective partner doesn't understand that, then that's a worry too. It sounds like you are all new to this, so it's fair to cut each other plenty of slack, but he needs to realise he's not dating a single girl, she needs to remember she herself is not single and can't just act on impulse as if she were, and you need to remember to ask for the things you need and not assume she can read your mind or intuit how you're feeling. I think you can all do this - just slow down, all of you do some research into yourselves and poly and what you want out of this as individuals - and be kind to each other.
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People tenK (bi, f, early 30's) is likely to blabber on about, and why:

Nina (bi, f, late 20's) <- life-partners with tenK; Scandi (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with tenK (on hiatus at the moment); Zymurgist (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating with tenK; Aries (heteroflex, m, late 40's) <- fwb with tenK and Nina;

Adam (bi, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with Nina
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  #7  
Old 02-08-2015, 02:24 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I concur with tenK.

Also, an overnight so soon after she has announced her desire to be poly, and also announced she has a person in mind to form a second relationship with, is a very very challenging prospect!

You don't have to agree to that, you know. You can request slowing down. Overnights seem to be a very easy way to get into sexual situations, and you obviously are not ready for that!

You can count yourself lucky that your wife didn't cheat. People who marry their first sexual partner, often cheat a few years in, out of curiosity as to what they've missed. It's very naive to wait until marriage for sex, and a less common choice in this day and age.

You have lived in a fool's paradise, being her one and only sexual partner, and imagining it would be like that for the rest of your life. Now she wants to spread her wings.

But she respected you enough to talk it over with you first. That took courage. It doesn't make it super easy for you to deal with it though, taken all unawares as you were.

So, request her to slow the hell down. If the overnight is a done deal already, congrats on getting through it. That doesn't mean you need to agree to another overnight, whether she and her new guy are having sex or not.

As to the penis size comparison thing. Unless you have a micropenis of under 3" erect, it's not necessarily an issue. You could ask how big his is. If she's not seen it yet, she can ask him. Men are all too eager to share their dimensions. For me, I like to have too much information rather than not enough. Once you know his size is roughly comparable to yours, though, will you stop comparing? Even if you're 5" and he is 9", bigger penises have their drawbacks.

I don't compare myself physically to other women a partner may have, despite being 59 and plus size. I know I've got good sex skills up my sleeve. Better skills probably, than some skinny 20 something.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags, F, 60, poly-dating, loving and living with
miss pixi, F, 38
also seeing
Punk, 42, M (dating since Oct 2015)
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  #8  
Old 02-08-2015, 05:45 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Danielsen,

The idea behind polyamory isn't that one partner will be better than another, it's that one partner will be different than another. Everyone brings something different to the table. People aren't exchangeable or replaceable.

Almost everyone in today's Western world is programmed/conditioned to think in monogamous terms, and that means, as they said in the original Highlander movie, "There can be only one!" In a monogamous world, your wife having sex with another man will automatically become a contest. Which man will prove to be the better in bed? because whoever loses that contest is going to be kicked to the curb. True blue polyamory should work without contests, no losers who stand to lose house and home ... Everybody wins.

I can't guarantee that you have true blue poly on your hands; maybe you have competitive monogamy on your hands and it's being served up as if it were polyamory. But from what I've seen (on poly forums these last seven years), your odds are good.

Keep us posted if you're willing on how things are going, and we'll continue to try to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #9  
Old 02-08-2015, 05:51 PM
Danielsen Danielsen is offline
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Default Coming to grips

Thanks I just need to hear that it is not one who will overshadow the next. I'm just so insecure but it's not based on anything that my wife has ever said to me. She tells me that we have an awesome sex life and that this will enhance our own sex life. I'm just scared I guess. What we have intimately has always been sacred to me. How do I justify this? Just goes through my head.
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Old 02-08-2015, 06:10 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Danielsen View Post
Thanks I just need to hear that it is not one who will overshadow the next. I'm just so insecure but it's not based on anything that my wife has ever said to me. She tells me that we have an awesome sex life and that this will enhance our own sex life. I'm just scared I guess. What we have intimately has always been sacred to me. How do I justify this? Just goes through my head.
That is perfectly understandable, and something many, if not most, people new to poly go through! It's good to get your emotions out there, look at them, decide what your comfort zone is, and go as slowly as you need to. All your wife's reassurances are nice, but not a magic bullet. There is no magic bullet.

And think on this: your wife might go through the same insecurities if you were to find a lover! It's easy being the one going out to get some new tail (fall in love, whatever). But once the shoe is on the other foot, the one already banging someone else can, and often does, go through the same wringer you are going through.

Read the books Opening Up and More Than Two. Read the morethantwo website, and the Practical Polyamory website. And keep reading threads here about "new to poly" topics.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags, F, 60, poly-dating, loving and living with
miss pixi, F, 38
also seeing
Punk, 42, M (dating since Oct 2015)
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