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  #21  
Old 02-22-2010, 07:06 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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I am overly concerned that I will bring things up and they will decide to include me on the basis that I am consistently having issues instead of just wanting to include me because they are ready.
High quality communication can easily solve this issue. I still pretty firmly believe that holding back genuine feelings makes relationships more difficult. The idea is that you can share your feelings without attaching expectations to them. There's a big difference.
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  #22  
Old 02-22-2010, 07:25 PM
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The idea is that you can share your feelings without attaching expectations to them. .
This is quite profound. I sometimes hold back because I assume my feelings are asking for change that I don't really want. Maybe being very specific in the lack of expectation is a way to be heard without looking like you are asking for something from your partner/partners.

This is a freeing concept
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  #23  
Old 02-22-2010, 07:30 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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You can't commit to the changes in your emotions. That is an unfair requirement that you have put on yourself. Things change - that is guranteed. If they are "comitted" to doing this in a respectful and healthy way then they will understand that.


I wish I knew then what I know now. I didnt think it would be this difficult. But after weighing the facts "My wife who I love involved with Nikki who I love...and not being able to share in those moments" yea what was I thinking.


On another note I think that they have both come to the conclusion that they both want to be in a long term relationship with each other. Which in my opinion is the point where we should all work together toward our triad. Yet they still are set on building their relationship without me....which is driving me crazy.

What I am most afraid of is all of us getting used to the way things are now. Where wifey has separate time with me and separate time with her. Where as the only people dealing with our loved ones being with someone else is Nikki and I. Wifey has it made in the shade..she has both of us living there and at her beck and call. Why would she want a change? I will admit that with her being the slowest common denominator she has the most say so on the pace of things and Nikki will follow suite because like I said before she doesnt want to push wifey away.
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  #24  
Old 02-22-2010, 07:58 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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High quality communication can easily solve this issue. I still pretty firmly believe that holding back genuine feelings makes relationships more difficult. The idea is that you can share your feelings without attaching expectations to them. There's a big difference.
If my feelings are being expressed doesn't it go without saying that I want things to change? Just expressing how I feel will not solve the issue.


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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
This is quite profound. I sometimes hold back because I assume my feelings are asking for change that I don't really want. Maybe being very specific in the lack of expectation is a way to be heard without looking like you are asking for something from your partner/partners.

This is a freeing concept
This is how I am feeling now. So I bite my words and I dont express myself the way I would like to. the truth is that you might not have expectations but you expect change one way or another otherwise you wouldnt bring it up.
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  #25  
Old 02-22-2010, 08:30 PM
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the truth is that you might not have expectations but you expect change one way or another otherwise you wouldnt bring it up.
Yes there might be a "passive" hope that change will in fact occur. I still think you need to tell them how you are feeling. Bottling stuff up is a recipe for disaster my friend. The longer you put it off, the more little things will be added and surpressed as well in my opinion. You are in this for the long haul it seems..the long haul requires a lot of work. I mean a lot. I spent a good six months of intense work to start truly seeing the possibilities. Six months of very open communication and a fair share of confrontation. Redpepper would agree. This isn't easy when you are trying to build a sustainable family type situation. I think it's best that you all become very aware that this is going to push each of you and the sooner you deal with issues the better things will become.

You don't need to do all the work. There are three of you involved right now so start sharing the burden and supporting each other

Peace and Love
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  #26  
Old 02-22-2010, 09:02 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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If my feelings are being expressed doesn't it go without saying that I want things to change? Just expressing how I feel will not solve the issue.

This is how I am feeling now. So I bite my words and I dont express myself the way I would like to. the truth is that you might not have expectations but you expect change one way or another otherwise you wouldnt bring it up.
When I'm working with my own expectations, I work hard to make sure to be realistic with it. Usually, if I'm in a situation where I'm having hard feelings over something, I usually keep my expectations to two things: I expect to be listened to and I expect my partner to consider my feelings. If my partner needs to keep things the same after considering my feelings, we talk about that. Since I know my partner makes his decisions in a way that honors my feelings, I actually find it easier to cope with the situation even if it hasn't changed.

It also works a lot easier when people work from the general assumption that everyone in the relationship should take responsibility for their own feelings and emotions. So instead of saying "You guys having your relationship is making me feel left out", I would say "I'm really struggling with my feelings as you guys grow closer, and I would love some support as I figure out how to make this work for me."

I've yet to see a relationship that was saved in the long term by martyrdom.

Basically, being open with your feelings without expectation or attachment to a specific outcome prevents things from being stuck. It doesn't make things easier, it just allows things to move and grow.

I've noticed that you are very attached to this specific outcome of having a triad. You keep holding that out as an ultimate goal with everything you're doing. I don't know what's best for you, but if I was in that situation, I would honestly need to back down from that goal and set it aside. You seem to be setting it aside in practice, but not in intent. Triads rarely work if they are pre-scripted and forced into existence.
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  #27  
Old 02-22-2010, 10:48 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Yes there might be a "passive" hope that change will in fact occur. I still think you need to tell them how you are feeling. Bottling stuff up is a recipe for disaster my friend. The longer you put it off, the more little things will be added and surpressed as well in my opinion. You are in this for the long haul it seems..the long haul requires a lot of work. I mean a lot. I spent a good six months of intense work to start truly seeing the possibilities. Six months of very open communication and a fair share of confrontation. Redpepper would agree. This isn't easy when you are trying to build a sustainable family type situation. I think it's best that you all become very aware that this is going to push each of you and the sooner you deal with issues the better things will become.

You don't need to do all the work. There are three of you involved right now so start sharing the burden and supporting each other

Peace and Love
Mono
I am definitely feeling the difficulty which was expected. I just didnt think it would be so early. I am very comfortable with confrontation. I love a good debate. I love talking out my issues. Problem is that I am also very passionate with my ideas and I think all of them through and present fact to support my ideas/feelings. Because of this when we all talk most of everything they say I have already thought of and have came up with a solution or a comment to that point. This makes them feel like its my way or the highway when in reality I am hoping one of them will have a opinion that will cohesively work for the three of us. (FYI nether of them like confrontation)

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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
When I'm working with my own expectations, I work hard to make sure to be realistic with it. Usually, if I'm in a situation where I'm having hard feelings over something, I usually keep my expectations to two things: I expect to be listened to and I expect my partner to consider my feelings. If my partner needs to keep things the same after considering my feelings, we talk about that. Since I know my partner makes his decisions in a way that honors my feelings, I actually find it easier to cope with the situation even if it hasn't changed.
I truly would love to feel this way. I think that I, like your partners take wifey and Nikki's feelings into consideration.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
It also works a lot easier when people work from the general assumption that everyone in the relationship should take responsibility for their own feelings and emotions. So instead of saying "You guys having your relationship is making me feel left out", I would say "I'm really struggling with my feelings as you guys grow closer, and I would love some support as I figure out how to make this work for me."

I've yet to see a relationship that was saved in the long term by martyrdom.

Basically, being open with your feelings without expectation or attachment to a specific outcome prevents things from being stuck. It doesn't make things easier, it just allows things to move and grow.
I am quite fascinated at how well you are understanding this situation! Much thanks are due unto you! Your partners have a great catch!

I really like the way you use your words. You are saying what I want to say but in a way that is non confrontational. Its presented in a way that begets commentary or open discussion. In a way where I am stating how I feel and asking for help with suggestions on how to not feel this way. And it that each person will feel like making a change is self initiated and that will be there contribution to the greater good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I've noticed that you are very attached to this specific outcome of having a triad. You keep holding that out as an ultimate goal with everything you're doing. I don't know what's best for you, but if I was in that situation, I would honestly need to back down from that goal and set it aside. You seem to be setting it aside in practice, but not in intent. Triads rarely work if they are pre-scripted and forced into existence.
From what I can understand from what wifey and nikki feel is that this way we are doing it keeps it from being pre-scripted and forced into existence. I would agree that I am very attached to the triad. We all agreed that the triad works best in terms of making Nikki as much apart of our live as I am or wifey is. We dont want her to feel second and wifey doesnt want to not feel first...so solution is to create an equal triad.
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  #28  
Old 02-22-2010, 10:56 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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I truly would love to feel this way. I think that I, like your partners take wifey and Nikki's feelings into consideration.
That's awesome. Just remember that it's also ok for you to expect them to take your feelings into consideration too.
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  #29  
Old 03-01-2010, 01:27 AM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Hello all,

I have bad news and it's not sitting well with me. Wifey has decided that she does not want to have a poly relationship because she can't deal with the fact that nikki and I are in love and during this dating process her and Nikki have been in she has blocked herself from having feelings for Nikki because she doesn't want to "share" me. She feels that I am the best and she wants me all to herself.

Since I feel like wifey is the best too that, that would be a reason as to why I would want to let Nikki experience that. I want Nikki to feel how hard she loves and how it feels to have such a great person in her live. Wifey feels like since I'm her "best" that she would rater keep me to her self.

To add to things Wifey had a conversation with Nikki telling her that she didnt have romantic feeling for her and that poly never seemd like a long term thing to her...Nikki wanting this relationship to work as much has I do told wifey that she was willing to do whatever it took to make this work but was hurt to hear that Wifey didnt have feeling for her. (even though she does have feelings for her.)

I'm NOT going to drop my feelings for Nikki because Wifey can't deal and I don't to be with someone who is selfish...which is how I feel she is being.

Wifey has contacted our poly councilor to schedule a meeting to see if she can work through dealing with my feelings for Nikki. But the problem is that since she told nikki she wasn't feeling her romanticly Nikki is also having second thoughts about being with wifey...

IM PULLING MY HAIR OUT OVER HERE.
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  #30  
Old 03-01-2010, 01:31 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Ack! I'm really really sorry to hear that, but I have to be honest. After everything that's been written about in this thread, I really can't say that this comes as a surprise to me.
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