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Old 04-25-2010, 02:36 PM
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faeriesrreal faeriesrreal is offline
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Unhappy I am the wife...

my husband recently stated he is poly and he also posts on this board as well. My thing is I do not like females. Any and all women/girls I have ever worked with, hung with, met or what have you have exhibited the same backstabby, catty, judgemental, moody, opinionated, steam-roller behaviors. Because of this I DO NOT want to have a relationship with another woman. I have low self esteem and only recently have I begun to test out my boundaries, state my opinions and stick with them, and request my rights. I do not want any female coming into the picture and setting me back. My default setting is to just go with the flow, defer to others and walk on eggshells no matter if it makes me uncomfortable or not. My husband has encouraged me to become a stronger person, he is not against me learning who I am and what I like; although I can tell it hurts him that I am not on the same page.....at least right now. My conundrum is just this: how do I let a female in, even to be a friend ( I have female "acquaintances", and have had the same ones for over 25 years, but I keep them a safe emotional distance away) but I mean a 'close' friend, to trust them; to be able to feel as safe as I do with my husband in expressing my thoughts, opinions, and MY moodiness without the fear that they will get tired of it, leave and hurt me? Afterall, she wouldn't have any REAL reason to stay and put up with me. Plus, if she and my husband find they get along too well, they both might bolt. This is what I am afraid of.
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Old 04-25-2010, 03:19 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Maybe I am confused or missing a piece. But why does him being poly mean you have to like women? There are ways to make it work without having to be "friends" with his secondary.

My concern would be, and this is from experience of knowing a lot of women, I hope you aren't walking into interations with women bitter and angry, which will never help your case of being friendly with them

Quote:
My default setting is to just go with the flow, defer to others and walk on eggshells no matter if it makes me uncomfortable or not. My husband has encouraged me to become a stronger person, he is not against me learning who I am and what I like; although I can tell it hurts him that I am not on the same page.....at least right now.
Same page is a funny term, I don't think I have ever been on the same page with anyone. I just hope we are in the same damn chapter...haha

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Afterall, she wouldn't have any REAL reason to stay and put up with me. Plus, if she and my husband find they get along too well, they both might bolt.
Assuming he finds this woman and they fall in love together, thats a damn good reason for her to stay and understand you. Regardless of the relationship configuration.

Lastly, I think you are more normal than you think. People in general throw around the friendship word very easily, maybe you need to rethink your general view on how you interact with people. I have a large social circle...mostly females...there almost needs to be a term between acquaintance and friend...if there is a descriptive ranking system. Every person, and how I open up to them is individual. ...Try not to paint broad strokes and enjoy the interactions, thats half the fun
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Old 04-25-2010, 08:05 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by faeriesrreal View Post
Any and all women/girls I have ever worked with, hung with, met or what have you have exhibited the same backstabby, catty, judgemental, moody, opinionated, steam-roller behaviors.
If you have this problem with "any and all" women you meet, have you ever stopped to think about what YOU do and how you may be responsible for some of this?

Just a thought - if you keep doing the same thing over and over expecting to get a different result....
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Old 04-25-2010, 11:28 PM
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faeriesrreal faeriesrreal is offline
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Yes I let people, especially other women intimidate me. so that IS my fault. but where i am at right now, i am happy with just me my husband and my pets. i don't need anyone else. i am just afraid of my husband resenting me for not being as into it as he is. how do i handle that?
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Old 04-25-2010, 11:42 PM
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Slip Slip is offline
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Seriously, this may be a good time for you to investigate being a Dom. It would give you the control over the situation and I bet you'd be really good at dominating another woman. It's quite powerful. Do a little research - I bet you'll find a place for you and a new inner power.
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Old 04-26-2010, 12:41 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by faeriesrreal View Post
Yes I let people, especially other women intimidate me. so that IS my fault. but where i am at right now, i am happy with just me my husband and my pets. i don't need anyone else.
I can certainly relate to that. Although I CAN "be in love" with more than one person at the same time, I don't feel the "need" to do so, and my orientation is not limited to one gender or the other. I dislike everyone equally, and I prefer my cats to the company of other humans, if given the choice. I wouldn't say that other people intimidate me though. I would say that I tend to intimidate other people and it's easier to just not have to deal with them than to adjust myself around other people's comfort zones.

I wish I could give you the answers that you are seeking.
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Old 04-26-2010, 01:28 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Good perspectives from the others.

Ariakas: "There are ways to make it work without having to be 'friends' with his secondary."

When my GF's husband hosts a particular woman at their house she asks me to pick her up before the woman arrives so she doesn't have to greet her. They are not friends. It may not be the optimal way, but Ariakas is right.

As Ygirl implies, this may be an opportunity for your personal growth, too. Do you need to continue to feel low self-esteem? Is this a good time to grow beyond that?

Are you seeing a therapist about that problem, and about your difficulty relating to other women? It might be a good thing for you to work on. From personal experience I know that life is much sweeter when you feel OK about yourself.

It may be that as your marriage grows a bit you can find yourself on a personal journey into a more open, happier self as well. I really wish that will be possible for you.
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Old 04-26-2010, 03:07 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by faeriesrreal View Post
My thing is I do not like females. Any and all women/girls I have ever worked with, hung with, met or what have you have exhibited the same backstabby, catty, judgemental, moody, opinionated, steam-roller behaviors. Because of this I DO NOT want to have a relationship with another woman. .
Welcome and I hope you find some good feedback here!!
This is a very strong statement that you made about women. You may have written this when you were really angry and feeling very defensive; I don't know, but I agree that working on this with a therapist or a support group would probably be a life enhancing process for you. This attitude about women in general has to affect your ability to function!

At the same time, I also don't think it's neccessary for you to develop a relationship with your husband's lover.
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Old 04-26-2010, 03:52 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Stereotypes

Hi Faeriesreal,

Maybe this would be a good point to bring up the role of stereotypes in this situation ?

Some others have made some great suggestion regarding self development, different approaches etc. All good things to work into this.

But maybe you also should just recognize the power you are granting to a stereotype here. Your experience with other women has undoubtedly been a valid one. And a pretty common one at that !
However....................

It's still a stereotype, and now might be a good time to call that spade a spade and practice thinking outside that box. Every person is a unique individual. Regardless of the validity of a given stereotype, it's a wise practice to use that only as a "caution sign" and not a pre-judgement. Doing that opens us up to some wonderful experiences that we otherwise might miss !

Something to think about. You never know who might enter the picture that would bring something special into YOUR life too !

GS
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Old 04-28-2010, 10:15 PM
merry merry is offline
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I don't think you should feel obligated to like the people your husband dates.

You need to have some seriously intense conversations with your husband to set up a 'poly agreement' so he understands the boundaries and you can feel safe. There are online articles and books that talk about this sort of thing in depth.

Now is the time to stand up and be heard. These agreements aren't concrete, they can change over time. But it's a hell of a lot easier to ease up on a strict rule than it is to try to impose a new one. Let him know that if he wants to be poly and have his marriage to you, then he has to go at YOUR pace and be willing to handle a lot of rules and boundaries at first while you get your bearings.

One of those understandings can be that he should not expect you to ever want to be romantically involved with any of his dates. Your issues with women, I understand. Its something to be worked through with a therapist, slowly, and it doesn't help at all to feel pressured.

If he does read this, then I suggest to him that he be very slow and deliberate here. Make the choice between your ability to be poly, or your marriage to her. Everything in between is a compromise, but you really should be certain which is of more value to you now.

This can end in heartbreak if not handled with maturity and careful consideration. Don't let him push you or make you feel guilty. It was brave of him to bring up poly to you, now be brave yourself in establishing your safe zone.
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