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  #11  
Old 02-14-2012, 08:28 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
My husband uses this excuse to sweep things aside and harbor resentment toward me.

Him: "Well the one time I approached _____ (a difficult topic) you reacted badly. I don't tell you things to avoid making you feel bad."

Me: "Yeah, you caught me off guard and that was 15 F'n years ago. You never tried to bring it up again or discuss it once I have had time to process and have based all other situations on that one instance."

So many times he waits until he has so much resentment and back issues that it all just explodes.
SNeacail,..you rock. Thank goodness it didn`t suck you into tippy-toeing around him, like he was you. Very smart.

Yes, therapy can teach someone how to grab a spine, and be honest. 'Whatever works' to get someone honest. A person has no 'life' without authenticity.
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  #12  
Old 02-20-2012, 05:29 AM
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How are things going?
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  #13  
Old 02-20-2012, 06:00 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I know that what you are saying is true, and I'll not argue it.

trescool asked how it was going. Tomorrow is six weeks since my wife's surgery, so my self-imposed (self-provided?) excuse for holding back comes to an end. I don't yet know what I'll lead off with.

Yes, I need to "grab a spine."
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  #14  
Old 02-21-2012, 12:13 AM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Just adding a bit of my story where it is relevant to this thread...

I was married for 15 years when I fell in love with someone else as well. My relationship with my wife at the time was going amazingly well and I unintentionally fell for someone else as well. That was 7 years ago.

I knew nothing about polyamory at the time and was involved in a Christian church (I was actually the pastor - lol!). I thought falling in love with someone else was not supposed to happen - but I also felt it was OK and the right thing to do! I was honest with my wife about it and while she had alot of doubts about it being OK too, she tried to be OK with it.

After about 9 months of struggling with it, my wife finally pulled the pin and said she was not OK. She forced an abrupt ending to the other relationship. I loved both people dearly, and could also understand my wife not being OK with another relationship - especially because of the background we came out of. So reluctantly I agreed with my wife.

4 years later I stumbled across "polyamory" and it answered alot of questions for me. I shared my findings with my wife and she was like, "No way!". We continued journeying slowly. It was getting more and more clear for me that this was who I am, and that having multiple intimate relationships was how I wanted to live my life. My wife was still dead against it. We talked lots and lots and lots and were very open.

After much journeying, and the desire for multiple relationships getting even stronger for me, my wife could tell that we were going to reach a point where either we separated so that I could be me, or that she become OK with things. She felt that the only way that she could become OK with poly was if she found another relationship for herself. So internally she reached a point where she wanted to experience another relationship while still being married to me because she didn't want to separate.

Within weeks of reaching that internal decision she met someone else and has fallen in love within weeks! They are 2 months into their relationship now and she is really, really happy! It has been difficult for me, being the one to stick it out for nearly 7 years and ironically being the one not to have another love in my life, but this is all part of the journey. Unfortunately the other woman that I fell in love with has now moved on, so I am still finding that I am having to let go of the last remnants of grief and letting go process.

So overall it seems like after years of struggle we are reaching (have reached??) a place where my wife and I are now poly together and when the time is right I may even find another love...

I don't know how much of this journey is relevant to this thread, but I hope it helps...
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  #15  
Old 02-24-2012, 02:06 AM
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Best of luck, MT!!!!
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  #16  
Old 02-24-2012, 05:57 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Thank you, everyone. I'm a bit of a mess tonight, having one of those "I'm crazy in love and stupid for building castles in the air and I'm scared to death of losing my wife and son" evenings.

I started things off easy last night, forwarding Helen Fisher's TED talk to my wife. I don't know if she watched it. I didn't get a chance to ask tonight.

http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fishe...ove_cheat.html
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  #17  
Old 02-28-2012, 07:40 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Yeah, and here we are, five days later, and I still haven't asked. I also did what may have been a "precipitating thing," if you will: as you know if you read my other thread, my crush and I work together. I will sometimes make excuses to chat with her at the end of the day, when most people have gone home and there's unlikely to be any rumors started. She takes an interest in how my family is doing, and asks after them, so it's something to talk about, plus I think it's nice.

After talking about how my wife is doing post-op, she asked me how things were between us, and that led to a somewhat awkward conversation in which I described that I had been attracted to others, yet didn't love my wife any less, but my wife struggled with that idea. We talked about the possibilities of what that could mean for my marriage and my relationship with my son, and I expressed how much I don't want to lose being part of his life. She listened to my brief explication that I have problems with the traditional view of marriage, and did not protest or judge me. At no point did I actually confess my feelings for my crush to my crush, but we did spend some long moments looking in each other's eyes, and she was giving me that smile that makes me melt right down into my shoes. She's very, very smart, and I don't doubt that she can see right through me.

We chatted Monday again, innocently about work topics, and she was smiling at me and playing with her hair. I'm given to understand that this kind of behavior is a pretty clear signal of "I like you. Take the next step." My crush knows I am married, knows I have agonized about my marriage and how I have tried to behave ethically, and seems (if I'm reading the signals right) to be interested anyway. I think she's also seeing someone else, but I know nothing about how that relationship works.

Clearly, I need to speak with my wife SOON. I wonder if, subconsciously, I had the above discussions to force me to do so. I have spent a lot of time over the last several months rehearsing what to say, and rehearsing how to answer objections. Just last night, I started rehearsing how to compassionately and lovingly let my wife go.

I have some questions:

1) Did I cross a line? I think, at the very least, that I was tiptoeing along it--I have avoided talking about this stuff to my crush for a long time, precisely because I don't believe I can be objective about the subject (and, if she's interested in me, neither can she).

2) Regarding non-verbal signaling, I have this overwhelming self-doubt that I'm seeing what I want to see, rather than what isn't actually there, if you get my meaning. I have never, ever wanted to be "the guy at the office who deludes himself and harasses a co-worker." I don't trust myself.

I love my wife and my son, and the thought of losing them is terribly painful. The thought of letting my crush slip away without ever at least telling her how I feel is also terribly painful--my heart breaks every single day, and the combination of these two thoughts (losing my marriage and deliberately letting my crush slip away) has been triggering panic attacks. I'm a damned mess, and I think that the route to pulling my shit together unavoidably runs through some incredibly painful territory.

I feel like I've completely fucked this up by being too scared to do anything for so long.
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  #18  
Old 02-28-2012, 08:16 AM
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I don't think you messed up anything, there are just two construction zones you need to take care of. The talk with the wife is inevitable and you know that. That is one part of the work. By talking to the co-worker about what you struggle with and how your situation looks like you only tried to make sure if there is anything to hope for when addressing the second area you need to work on. Those aren't related and as long as you only ask for reactions and kind of make sure what it is you are dealing with, you did nothing wrong.

So what if you would talk to the co-worker before you talked with your wife? It is what it is, as long as you are just making sure what the status quo in this situation is, nothing went wrong. And regarding your self-doubt: You seem to do right now what you did for years; assuming, guessing, waiting, hoping ... not a thing will change and you will never know as long as you don't confront the situation and ask/talk. I know how that works, I did that for nearly four years. And nothing gets easier with time, this only builds up to a huge mess of assumptions, hopes, fears and what-ifs.

So stop feeling like you 'fucked this up', it won't help you here. After all this time you can be pretty sure that things won't change for you and that you need to do something. Waiting some more months or years won't do this any good. Being stuck between a rock and a hard place will never feel right, therefore if you feel that you can't live with this any longer, get your act together. If you are too scared to take action, accept that this feeling will dominate your future life. It's your choice; being constantly scared while hoping for some miracle is draining and arduous. You endured it quite long, it's up to you how long this will continue.
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Last edited by Phy; 02-28-2012 at 09:23 AM.
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  #19  
Old 02-28-2012, 08:33 AM
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Remember that it is perfectly okay to start a conversation with "I'm afraid and don't know what to do." You don't have to have all the answers to talk about your feelings.

I also don't think you fucked anything up or overstepped bounds.
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  #20  
Old 02-28-2012, 01:54 PM
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I agree with the others. You're going to be okay. You can open your conversation with, I'm scared and nervous.

It sounds to me like you may have a bit of classic anxiety going on that has nothing to do with polyamory. It sounds like you're "horribilizing" everything, making a picture in your mind of how badly it will go and getting upset about it. Some good techniques to deal with this are remember to breath and tell yourself that no matter what happens, you will all be okay. This isn't the beginning or end of the world, it's just the beginning of one conversation; a conversation that might take a while to have.

I'd try to look into some grounding techniques and keep on reminding yourself that you're going to be okay. Try not to get caught up in what "might" happen and instead remain grounded in what is happening in the present moment. Notice your emotions, but don't believe all the horrible things you're telling yourself could happen!

If you keep on getting panic attacks, it might be a good idea to see a counsellor for some suggestions on how to keep yourself grounded and begin this conversation with yoru wife.

Good luck!
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