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  #11  
Old 02-13-2012, 05:23 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I don't know anything about the specifics of "cowboy ways" being in the mid west and not being around many cowboys however, self gratifying, addictive, selfish behavior is found everywhere.

Your charm, charisma, intelligence, physical appearance all help you feed this high sex drive. The moment is always worth the risk ...or makes its more exciting. Most likely in the past your skills could get you out of a jam if and when they happened...."it just how I am."

You need coping skills to learn how to honor agreements? Or how not to think with your dick ...How bout a big rubber band ...when starts happening give it a good snap.....oops ....this suggestion just turn on a big segment here...(only try this if this would be considered unpleasant).

Maybe talking to a therapist about past patterns and destructive behaviors....discuss whats really important to you long term.

Good luck D
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  #12  
Old 02-13-2012, 06:17 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Ahh, I see. That provides a lot of context.

If it helps, this kind of thing happens to a lot of couples. My gf and her husband went through something similar in several ways when they were both dating the same girl: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...&postcount=123

The husband in their story, Eric, also had a history of bad behaviors and pushing boundaries leading up to their poly triad crisis. In the end, he sort of forced himself to develop a deeper sense of empathy in order to regain his wife's trust... he truly changed himself. They took a year long break from poly and opened back up in a much slower, more deliberate way when they felt they were ready. Things have been MUCH better since.
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  #13  
Old 02-13-2012, 08:22 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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Thanks everyone for the responses. Just checking in on the tread before I go into more detail, I really like this forum and the posters insight, read it a lot to get perspective, know everyone has an opinion, look forward to adding mine to the mix. Yeah I am Baggage Patrol’s Hubbo, read her posts up for her context. I do think that “outlaw cheater” is a more appropriate title, didn’t have the full scoop on the cowboy reference, that is what BP was referring to me as so I used it. Our GF has also read our posts and hope to encourage her to also add to the forum mix, although she frequents another forum.

Yeah I have to see myself in a clear harsh light and not sugar coat it, seems the only way I can deal. I have done a sht ton of personal work, mostly around addiction/abuse recovery and anger mod, guess the selfish cheater part is next to get the scrubbing lol… anywayz cant stop wont stop right? Looking forward to addressing all the points raised, but for now lets just say thanks for the opportunity to air my sht out, and have a chance to change and grow, I can’t see any other way that appeals to me.

Evolve or die trying

EleMENTAL
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  #14  
Old 02-13-2012, 08:30 PM
faraday faraday is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elemental View Post
I do think that “outlaw cheater” is a more appropriate title

Yeah I have to see myself in a clear harsh light and not sugar coat it, seems the only way I can deal.

Evolve or die trying

EleMENTAL
Take the "outlaw" part off. Outlaw still sounds cool and dangerous and appealing. You are very good at seeing yourself but it still sounds like you are glamorizing your selfishness.
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  #15  
Old 02-13-2012, 09:35 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by faraday View Post
Take the "outlaw" part off. Outlaw still sounds cool and dangerous and appealing. You are very good at seeing yourself but it still sounds like you are glamorizing your selfishness.
yup, agreed, just "cheater." You don't seem to be any different than a lot men I know that cheat so why the "outlaw" part? Its "cheating"... Full stop. Adding any more to it is just self centered and that's part of the problem. Now go change it.
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  #16  
Old 02-14-2012, 05:25 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Classic "Addict" behaviors....through and through!! Lived with one.....worked as a therapist with several. Get thee back into some therapy ASAP as you're exhibiting "relapse" behaviors. Sounds like you worked hard in the past to stop the negative behaviors but ran into a trigger(s) you weren't prepared for. Good luck!
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  #17  
Old 02-14-2012, 07:05 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
Classic "Addict" behaviors....through and through!! Lived with one.....worked as a therapist with several. Get thee back into some therapy ASAP as you're exhibiting "relapse" behaviors. Sounds like you worked hard in the past to stop the negative behaviors but ran into a trigger(s) you weren't prepared for. Good luck!
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  #18  
Old 02-14-2012, 04:08 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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Ok just “cheater”- cheater confessional. Shit I don’t like that, don’t see myself as totally selfish, a people user and cheater… I do see the addition behavior though from my past, that obsessive compulsion to want more, immediately, that helps to see that, to see myself in a triggered state. That makes a lot of sense to me. Lol at the idea of running to therapy every time something vexes me, I have good friends and self care and self awareness to cope with this life, not that “therapy” isn’t helpful, but I am not so out of control that I can’t take a step back and address the behavior. So that is a helpful insight to me. I feel the same way about creating boundaries in the triad that set up failure, about the need to control the inevitable at times pairing off. In conversations with Baggage Patrol I also see how she would have got there eventually, we (gf and me) just rushed the whole thing. I feel much more in tune with her comfort level and boundary zones, and moving forward see us taking steps back and slowing down the pace of our extra relationships. I also find useful the idea of self checking in before being impulsive / spontaneous and asking questions around my partners comfort zone. I see I need to do work around the perception that boundaries = controlling, something that I chafe against, and really find useful the links to similar stories, of other triad experiences to relate to. I think my attitude of “we’re poly, lets just go for it” has created discomfort with BP slower more cautious approach which just appeared after “the event” of finding GF and me in bed together. Which is an issue for me, because up until that point it was full speed ahead. I think I have taken a lot longer to apply the breaks, once her discomfort started, obviously because I wasn’t feeling it.
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  #19  
Old 02-14-2012, 05:09 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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OK, so you are Baggage Patrol's husband.

No wonder "poly" isn't working for you two, and BP is so fucking miserable.

BP seems like a wonderful woman and you're really hurting her, elemental. Please, in the name of all that is holy and good, drop your gf, forget about "polyamory" (since what you are doing is in no way poly, but just fucking around), and work on becoming more honest and respectful.

Oh, for the record, the term cowboy, or cowgirl, in poly argot, means a person who becomes a partner, either of one or both of a couple, and tries to cut one of the couple out, and take the partner for him or herself. Hence, our confusion.
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 02-14-2012 at 05:11 PM.
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  #20  
Old 02-14-2012, 05:37 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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whoa, lots of hostility! I earlier tried to post a reply, see that it hasn't come up yet, as to be approved by a moderator? Huh. Well I can see that you have been following BP side of events, but as usual there are more sides to this story, ones that I will save until I talk to BP first about posting, issues in our relationship / in this triad directly that haven't been represented. I take responsibility for my mistakes, but I'm not going to hang around in here and be told I'm just fucking around, because that's not the case! jeezuz
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