Ideals vs. Realities

[Magdlyn]

She's too busy to post?

(I am!)

[BaggagePatrol]

Wow, it has been an age since I posted on here. Life has been keeping me busy, and every time I thought about writing on here, I'd get too confused as to what to write. Been doing a lot of thinking and self-work these past few weeks, and feel like I am coming out on the other side of a transformation that I hadn't really anticipated.

Shortly after my last post, Elemental suggested that we go back to monogamy until the New Year at the very earliest. Our whole life was starting to become centred in poly; all of our spare time, much of our mental energy, our work days peppered with maintaining partnerships, and our own partnership was on a swift nosedive to nowhere. Our home was getting neglected and we were working so hard to find balance for everyone else that we had lost it for ourselves. Elemental had started lying to me about Sync - nothing major, but enough to make me realize that he was knee deep in addictive patterns and losing his respect for our relationship/trust in the mix. I was shocked that he asked for monogamy, but I didn't fight it.

I know that it's the #1 poly sin to have hierarchy for many people on this board, but for me, it's not. My first primary relationship is with myself - in that relationship, if I felt that I was in danger of hurting myself by staying in another relationship, I would step out of it. I take care of myself, love myself, and am committed to myself - to working on what is flawed with me, and I constantly strive to move towards a place of long term peace, happiness and health in my relationship with self. I also have a primary relationsip with Elemental, and it is equally important to me. We have a home, families, and a whole life together, and while it may invoke a lynch mob of negative comments, I believe that it's a sacred union that needs commitment, respect and attention to thrive. And so? If I needed space from others, I would take it. And if Elemental and I need space from others? I will also take that, and not feel guilty about it. We have to do what is right for ourselves, and to me that includes what is right for us as a couple. Uh huh. I said it.

It was difficult. Agonizing even. I slept in the spare bedroom for a month. I was too angry at all that had transpired to bring us to that place. We didn't talk about it - it was too raw, and talking about it would rip open my belly and spill my guts onto the floor in a splash of vitriol rage. I had to leave it alone. Had to give it all space, and allow for the hurt and anger over the boundary transgressions, lies, pushes, deceit to come to the surface and be sorted into an orderly fashion long before I'd truly be able to talk about it. We touched it with ten foot poles a couple of times, and molten lava would spatter us both as we raged against each other for all of the hurt and wrongs and upset. It was a fuckin' rough time.

But we made it. And continue to make it. The time for throwing in the towel has passed, I believe, although it came up a number of times as a very tangible possible outcome.

Yesterday we spent most of the day in bed, naked and curled into each other, crying, talking, kissing, cuddling and slowly unfolding the origami of our anger, smoothing the paper of our love and union back out. I've never minded wrinkles in solid planes of white, marks from where we have bent, folded and contorted ourselves to grow into something new. Returning to our source, our selves, it was quiet, full of love and humble. Our life slowly stiches itself back together, and counselling is imminent. Of course our counsellor was in Nepal when this all happened.... maybe it was a good thing to allow some time to pass before heading in to talk about it.

Willow and I are sad friends. It makes me feel so guilty/sad just to think about that gentle man being sad because of me. He's been hit hard this past year - his wife of 11 years cheating on him, then leaving him just like that. Three confusing poly relationships that haven't panned out as he would hope time/commitment wise. My heart goes out to him, and the plan is for us to be friends. I don't cultivate a lot of male friendships mind, but Elemental and him get along well as well, so I can see us all hanging in the future.

Sync. It is never a possibility ever again. That is done, and I wish her the best with her life.

Lily and us have had surprisingly little drama. A couple of tiny snarls between E and her when he wasn't communicating well with her in friendship/about what was changing, but even that was easily sorted. We have spent some days together since, and it is kind of amazing how easily we have slipped into a comfortable rhythm of friendship. I still find her dead attractive, but have integrity of steel, as does she, and we enjoy each other's company without it needing to be more to be comfortable, fun and meaningful. It's clear that all three of us are open to the idea of re-dating in the future, but are also unattached. The fact that there is no drama, no expectation, and a simple reality at present all speak volumes to her maturity and sense of self. I love her, and her honesty, integrity and boundaries. Her other relationships are largely going very well, and I am thrilled for her. She came out for the day on Friday, and the three of us went for dinner in the evening - very low key and relaxing, and it was lovely. We're heading out to the city next weekend - she recently started her own business, so we are going to support her, and I've got two modelling gigs on the same day - one consult, one hair modelling session.

And so? And so we work. We untangle the snarl of issues that have risen to the surface. My love is so huge, so fierce for Elemental that I am ready, knife and fork poised to dig into this unusual dish of resentments and hurts. It's a small investment for a lifetime of love, and I am done throwing in the towel and starting again when things get tricky. Am done starting over and pretending like the same issues won't surface again down the road with a new, shiny partner. We all have our patterns, and it is time to heal these ones.

Whether we are ever open like we were again, I know that we will be sexually adventurous with each other, and most likely with others. We'll see how things unfold. I am unattached - all that matters to me right now is finding peace with Elemental, and healing what ails us. Life is short, and terrible, and beautiful. There are no easy answers, and sometimes it's only when we stand on the precipice of losing everything that we realize that we truly have something to fight for. And I will fight for this love, this heart, this union, this marriage. I love myself much too much to ever question what could have been if only.... it's not my style, and never will be. I will fight for that which speaks to my heart - for that which I know is right, whole and ripe with a sense of adventure and unfolding. You don't get many loves like this in your life... most only get to glimpse at it in the movies...

I love you Elemental.

[SNeacail]

I relate to a great deal of your post and none of it involves poly . My husband and I have been fighting to hang on to our marriage for the last 2 years. Things go forward, then the brakes fail and we are falling at increasing speed toward devastation. Somewhere along the line, we catch ourselves and have to climb back up the hill. The constant climbing, falling and climbing again SUCKS, but apparently, it's building a great deal of muscle, because each time we can recover a little faster and more rationally, making us stronger. Stopping to regroup and prioritize before moving forward again, especially when things were moving fast and furious is sometimes necessary.

E sounds a bit like my husband in that he lies because he can't deal with what he imagines my (or others) reactions might be. Recently, I had to make myself realize, 1. he will lie again (he's been doing for 46 years, it's not going to change) and 2. It really had nothing to do with me and is really all about his insecurities. I can NOT take his lies personally anymore. Do the lies change my reality? If NO, then I it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme. For example: He told me he was going out of town for work, when in reality, he went with some friends. Did knowing the truth change ANYTHING for my reality? Not really. It was a completely stupid lie and pissed me off for days, just because he lied, until I just got fed up with letting him have that much power over my emotions.

While I'm sad that I can't have that absolute trust anymore, I can still be happy in my relationship with him. Most of the time, we work very well together and I'm not willing to trade that in if I can protect myself from feeling the devastation of his momentary lapses in judgement and stupidity.

[Arrowbound]

Figured you two were going through it, living life and such. Glad you're back though, working and wading through.

[Magdlyn]

Well, I was gently suggesting you cut back on time spent with other lovers, to have more couple time and "me time." Didn't think you'd break up entirely with everyone except Elemental!

Now, Sync had to go. She's trouble, and I think she needs a mono bf, even a live in one, since she's so needy. I hope she finds one.

But I hope you can blend Lily and Willow back in on a more infrequent comfortable basis eventually!

[BoringGuy]

There is also the possibility that baggage patrol was outed or exposed in real life and it has jeopardized her career and/or reputation, and that her last post was a form of damage-control. BP wrote not too long ago about someone she knows in real life recognizing her from her posts here. She said she wasn't worried about that individual, but there are lots of other individuals who might try to use the graphic sex scenes and what-not to blackmail or discredit BP in one of the many powerful positions she holds in her community. Of course this is all speculation on my part. I tend to err on the side of anti-establishment paranoia, being all alternative and counter-culture and shit.

[JaneQSmythe]

It sounds to me, and I hope this is true, that this is a time of withdrawing and regrouping, of reflection and introspection so that you and Elemental can find and come to a place of balance as individuals and as partners. Perhaps then you can come to a place where you can offer other very special people (whether or not it is Willow or Lily at that time and place) to share in your refreshed selves.

I am sorry for the pain and turmoil. I am hopeful for the growth and peace to come.

Namaste.

JaneQ

[BaggagePatrol]

In my yogic training journey, we were required to study yamas (qualities in humans needing conscious restraint) and niyamas (qualities to cultivate) in depth. We would meditate on them for a couple of weeks in our everyday lives - one of each, a couple of times a year, and then write a piece on what they meant to us. One of them was particularly informative for me; aparigraha - non greed, non holding. It's been at the forefront of my mind these past few weeks; this idea that I need to let go in general. Let go of a particular outcome, of relationships with people that I love, of ideals around things working out with Sync, on expecations of the process.

I suffer from an interesting sydrome that Elemental likes to refer to as "completionism". I like things to be tidy, wrapped up and finished. It drives me in my work life in a beautiful way; I accomplish a lion's share of work every day, and have an unstoppable desire for things to be "finished" before I relax. My life coach has eluded that this is also know as OCD to a certain extent, LOLOL. This drive in me does serve me beautifully in life; productive, organized and focused, determined and ambitious, it has built two thriving businesses with dozens upon dozens of carefully crafted systems that dance together every day to create a symphony filled with harmony... and completion. In my personal life, this tendency is not helpful.

People can't be completed. There are no tasks that need finishing in relationships. Being overly organized does not lay down atop of human nature, which is chaotic and unpredictable in its very nature, especially when multiple people are involved. And so, I must let go of the need for conclusions in my personal life, and step into a different part of myself that doesn't get satisfaction from the usual avenues.

It is good for me - to be with someone as passionate, emotional and comfortable in chaos as Elemental. Someone who allows their heart to guide them into dark places without a second thought, whose mind does not move in straight, sharp lines. Who is fine living in blurry margins, and is friends with anger and upset. It shows me another side of myself that is new to me, and while the linear parts of me are caught offguard by its existence, it adds a richness to my experience that I would never find otherwise.

Therapy last night. I listen to his words, so full of love and respect, him joking about himself, him reaching out to me. It made me angry. Angry that he could be so jocular and sweet in front of our therapist when he has fed me meals of my own heart so many times this year in his emotional bumbling and selfishness. It wasn't fair of me though - because when I woke up this morning I really heard in my heart how sorry he was for hurting me, and how much he loves me. How ultimately, he knows that what he did was wrong, and has learned some incredible life lessons from the process. I too can see things about myself that I didn't before; something about that humility in him has allowed walls of anger to start coming down, and this softly beating heart that loves him with a numbing intensity is at the forefront of every thought.

This is my man. In all his maddening glory, he is the key to a part of my soul that has been dormant for much of my life; glimpsing at it here and there in relationships, a chimera of full experience that is now mine to have. I doubted it, and I am ashamed of that; doubted that this love can override anything in life if we allow it to drive. To be. To thrive.

Will there be other people in our life again? I can't see there not being other people. Has Elemental learned some huge lessons about what that might look like in the future? Yes. Do I believe he will do a better job of choosing people who complement and help our own relationship thrive, rather than those who would be selfish and self serving? Yes. Do I believe that he is sorry for lying to me, pushing me into hell? Yes. Do I think he will do that again? No. Do I think that he will earn back my trust? Slowly, but yes. Do I have a right to be angry with him? Yes. Does holding onto that anger serve any purpose? No. Can I forgive him? Yes. How will I do that? Slowly, but surely.

There are a lot of questions inside of me, but they all come from a place of re-commitment to our life together. Something shifted in me, in the depth of my despair and alienation from him, and I chose to work this out. Chose to serve this love, and do the work provided that he was too. If I were to abandon him because I'd finally seen all of his demons, I was never worthy of his love in the first place; we must be there, helping our loves slay their dragons with might and bravery - if we run, and abandon them in their caves of panic, anxiety and unhealthy patterns, we betray ourselves of an experience of fearlessness and full love. And when my dragons rear their heads, he is beside me, wielding familiar swords, and giving me the words of bravery that I gave to him. I won't abandon him at the worst of times, otherwise, how would I ever be able to fully claim the best ones? This is marriage to me. This is love and union to me. This is worth it for me. Challenging? Yes. But I am fearless in the face of it now.

Lily and I are in regular touch. I love her. Desire her. Miss that side of our relationship. She has come out to see me a couple of times, and it has been so good to see her beautiful face. We've gone to some shows, and her and Willow have a solid friendship as well. Elemental and her txt lightly, and have talked on the phone, and he came out to dinner with us a couple of weeks ago. It's so non-drama fantastic, and I feel so happy about it. Whether or not we date again, I am happy that I have this love in my heart for her, and know that we will remain friends. It's a little hard for me sometimes to see her dating so voraciously, but I also know that she's a screaming extrovert, and loves to meet new people, and I am happy for her. It's only hard because *I* want to be going out with her too, and enjoy being her girlfriend.... but alas, it's not to be.

I bought a fancy camera the other day, and it's being shipped to me. It's been delightful to have something to talk about with Willow that is not to do with him and I; he's going to help me learn how to use it, and take photos that translate the things I want to capture flawlessly. I'm excited! We've been txting, and it kind of caught me off guard to find that at some point in the past, I had fallen in love with him and not really realized it. It's not a needy, gimme more kind of love, just a steady, quiet realization of his simple beauty, and the connection that we shared. I wasn't anticipating that, and had some solid cries about it - too late for us in that regard, and I had to see it, and let it go almost simultaneously. Again, I am grateful for that love, even if there is no place for it to manifest; I have to be okay with not completing anything. We will be friends, and I will allow this love to be about his good qualities, and work on the bond that exists outside of sex and troublesome emotional intimacy. Whoever that man is with is going to be one lucky bitch, that's all I can say; he has the makings of a wonderful partner, and I want only the best for him. He's fairly certain that poly is not for him in the long term, but is just taking some time to himself, and letting go of the need to be dating all the time right now.

Today is going to be interesting. A staff member's best friend's mom is going through health problems, and I'm going to be a third set of hands on her today; traditional Jikiden Reiki, and then I'm going to do some restorative yoga with her afterwards. Been in touch with my guru, and have my short class with her all lined up - just going to get her toes wet with some gentle practicles; breathing, some kriyas for adrenal burn out, and some very light asanas and juthis. It will be nice to be a conduit for that universal power, love and energy for someone today; it always takes me out of myself to help others, and in the pondrous state that I am in these days, it's much needed.

I love myself, and am grateful for it. Grateful that I am more tolerant and forgiving of my own foibles as a human being, and that I have managed to find such incredible fucking people in my life who accept me, and love me as I am. I am so blessed. So incredibly blessed. Today is going to be about living that gratitude and humility in my life, not pushing for anything, and not allowing anger to cloud my vision.

[BaggagePatrol]

We headed into the city yesterday to see friends and get Elemental's hair tidied up by Lily. She recently changed salons, and it was fun to see her in her new surroundings, wielding her scissors and sculpting a shorter, tidier version of his shaggy brown locks. I gave them some time to chat after briefly saying hello, then went to join them, pulling a chair up and sipping E's tea and catching up.

I could see Elemental's fingers creeping out to pull her into his lap at one point; a Pavlovian response of one lover to another, even though technically we are not dating. Him and I have talked about it several times, and while Elemental is remaining steadfast on our need for a quiet December with total monogamy, he has also expressed to both myself, and Lily that he'd like us all to date again in the New Year. My eyes trace the fine lines of her face, the grace of her limbs, and sweet style of her tattoos and sexy/practical boots. Her laughter, her voice, her beautiful blue eyes and easy smile; she is so my woman, and I love her in an uncomplicated, equal, and unattached way. The time slips by, and soon we are heading out.

My BGF (bestgayfriend) is Queening it up in a fundraiser tomorrow night, and asked if I'd like to be his sidekick. For all intensive purposes, I am actually quite shy about public performances, but I said yes as I thought it'd be pretty effin' fun to get silly with him. I'm required to wear an elf costume, and so Elemental and I headed to a dress up shop that I had found on-line. It should be on an episode of hoarders, let me tell you - that place was utter chaos - so jam packed with merchandise that I could feel it edging its maniacal aisles closer and closer to me; glad that I don't have claustrophobia! The woman at the till had a long-time-smoker's rasp and thinning hair, and immediately declared that I'd make an "excellent sassy elf". Elemental had a lunch date with a friend who is going through a rough time (she's been cheating on her partner for some time now, and her partner discovered this through reading her email - terrible) and so he headed out. I tried some heinous candy cane dress that made me feel like I was on LSD, and was awarded with some pretty fabulous static cling in my hair as I put on, and took off things with faux fur and shiny not-so-natural fabrics. I rolled my eyes at the pricetags, and sent pics of my faves to My Queen, and he selected sassy elf in a heartbeat. The shop lady knows a sassy elf when she sees one, I guess. I was due to go for lunch with Willow, and he arrived as I was paying for my item. He hugged me, and I could've started crying on the spot, it was so nice to see him again.

Elemental was at odds about us having lunch; he says that he's fine with us being friends, then would launch into full aggressive/jealous/resentful language around it. He so closely associates Willow and Sync together that he cannot separate them psychologically as of yet - to him, when I see Willow, it makes him angry that he can't have a friendship with Sync. I'm done trying to talk logically about it with him, and just resign myself to his frustration around it, even though it bothers me a lot that he's giving me such mixed messages and undervaluing how much integrity Willow and I both have. I know that Elemental needs time to mourn the loss of Sync in his own way, and I have no desire to thwart that process.

Tacky elf costume in tow, Willow and I head for lunch. I can see the love in his eyes for me, and I shrink in shyness and awkwardness a few times, wanting to touch his face, but knowing this part of our union is over. It needs to be something new, or else I cannot participate in it, and I know it. Beautiful vegetarian pho, mine with this crazy coconut curry broth and a delightful discovery of delicacies within, I slurp soup and talk with him, hearing about his photography, dating life, friendships, children, ex-wife. Elemental txts, and we head to meet him in another part of the city, briefly seeing his best friend. She is hot in the same way that Shane from the L Word is hot; she has that feral, sporty, sexy, tough thing going on - she's covered in tattoos, and plays soccer and runs like crazy; wirey, sinewy and hot as fuck, I get a little swoony when she hugs me, LOL. Her new girlfriend is there, and I can't begrudge her; she is lovely, huge smile, bright eyes, and I can see how in love they are. I know that she has done the wrong thing in cheating on her partner, but also know how fiercely loyal E is to her.

It's been an interesting process; watching E work through some of his own issues around sneakiness and infidelity in his friendship with her... let's call her Shane for simplicity's sake. Him and Shane's friendship dates back over two decades, and at one point Elemental and her were roomies along with four other hot dykes... Elemental gave them self defense lessons and taught them how to fix their bikes and use power tools. He is the kind of man that can be accepted into a house full of power dykes no problem, and I know he'd go to war for Shane anytime. He has been hard on her while this has all been going down, challenging her to take responsibility for her lies and deceit, and I have watched the process soften something inside of him. It has given him a new perspective, a way to step outside of his own patterns and shame, and see things with a more gentle heart. I'm sad for Shane's longterm partner, and know she must be in agony right now; they were a special couple, even though their relationship was torn apart by a total lack of sexual connection at the end. And we all know how well Shane did on the L word when the sex dried up!

I hug Willow goodbye, and Elemental is grumbly about the length and style of our hug as we walk back to our vehicle. Again with the yes/no dichotomy in him around Willow, and while I defend my right to friendship and hugs with him under the current permission structure, I let him huff and puff his feelings out. He needs to express them, and I don't need to take them on. This is getting easier.

We drive home, and talk about our relationship and life in a non confrontational, loving way. Things are shifting towards a better place every day, and it's a wonderful feeling. Once home I drag out the elf costume and accessorize the living daylights out of it. I pull ornaments off the tree and turn them into earrings, a corsage, and attach bows to my garters. Shiny red high heels accompany the costume's green and white stockings beautifully, and a candy cane red lacey garter belt grips the top of the stockings most delightfully. A triple push up bra makes the girls sing, and the jaunty little cap has me giggling. I send a photo of my final getup to Lily who replies, "Let's fuck. Seriously." LOLOL. It's all tucked away in a bag, ready for tonight and I've reserved a swanky hotel for my BGF and I, a giant bottle of gin ought to placate the pre party that we have planned there. I believe I may be getting spanked on stage tonight... we'll see what the queen has in store for me at rehearsals this evening, but I am expecting hilarity and a night to remember.

Staff party for work with tons of food and drink, everyone jolly and laughing. Ornament stealing exchange was pretty hilarious, with kids getting in on the action and making people howl with despair as their favourite ornaments were repeatedly snatched. Pretty fun times. We headed out at around 11 and the party was still in full swing, home to bed, to curl into each other and dream in our comfy bed.

[BaggagePatrol]

This morning was coffees with Carolann's, breakfast is now en route after Elemental and I sunk into the familiar rhythm of our sex. I am reminded of hundreds of trysts between us, our hips bucking and rocking in the dance that only him and I know the steps to. I cum under his wicked tongue, and again as he sinks his formidable cock into me over and over again, sweat sheening my chest and my fists bunched around handfuls of sheets to give me traction to throw my weight up and into him. His eyes lock onto mine as he shatters within me, and my legs find their way around his back to pull him into me. We are grinning at each other as we roll onto our sides, pleasure ebbing through our bodies, our hands linked, mouths softly kissing as our eyes trace each other's faces and torsos. He's making us another coffee, and has brought me a bowl of chilly, cubed watermelon. Bliss.

Mahogany is loosely back in my life, but I don't believe she is meant to stay. She reminds me of a beautiful peach that I once bit into that had a sizeable worm within, and rot all around it. Lovely to smell and look at, the promise of something so sweet and delicious within, only to find out that it was hollowed out with nastiness. She is having an affair on her husband with a man that worked on one of her most recent shows with her; a double bad in my book - dishonesty AND asserting sexuality in the professional sphere, which to me, detracts from the true power of a woman in business. Just my own stuff there, but that's the only way that I can really feel about it. She is dating Sync's ex-lover's wife now, and I'm quite sure they'll be fucking unethically in the near future if they aren't already. Just all seems so wrong to me. I have been struggling with it all, but just don't feel like she has the kind of character that I want to invest friendship in. Four children and a devoted husband, she is playing with a kind of fire that will consume everything once it truly lights up. It's a dangerous game, and I don't really want to be a player. Willow shakes his head at me, and tells me that he knows that I won't be able to invest in a person who is capable of that; I feel like he sees something in me that has never moved much in my life, and to know that he recognizes that truth in me somehow makes it shine all the brighter. I've been steadfast in telling Mahogany what I think about her behaviour; challenging her, encouraging her to make less hurtful choices, to leave her husband if she can't negotiate an open relationship, and I have noticed that she has pulled back over the last week. Nobody likes to feel judged, and she has a right to her own experience - just rubs me the wrong way. For all of her beauty, I see an ugliness and selfishness that wipes it all away, and I am saddened by the reality of this truth inside of me.

Time ticks away, and I am seemingly unmoved by the amount of housework that I should be accomplishing before heading off to the city for a night of debauchery. I’m excited for tonight, and am taking tomorrow off so that I can head out for brunch with friends and have a nice sleep in if I have one too many G&T’s. Weekends are a thing of beauty, and they make me exceedingly grateful for the life that Elemental and I have built with each other.