Ideals vs. Realities

[Magdlyn]

Hey BP, you've got a lot on your plate. 2 new potential bfs, plus a husband and a sort-of gf, not to mention your job, volunteer work, platonic friendships to maintain! Add in yoga and 2 homes... yikes! For a person who likes her quiet time at night, that is a lot to pack in during the day.

It's good for Ranger he realized he'd overbooked and told you so. I am sure you'll find other distractions while E is away at Sync's.

As for Sync, if you find yourself feeling less in synch than you'd expected, having a sinking feeling, that's OK. There is never a need to be bffs or lovers with one's metamours. A polite hello and goodbye and, "Have a good time, return my SO in one piece, or at least keep all the pieces in one box for reassembly," is all that is required.

[BaggagePatrol]

Am feeling SO much more positive today. I'm sure that I'll have my ups and downs as I move through this process, but as it stands right now I feel a lot more confident within myself. Had a most excellent life coaching session last night. We created something called an Intention Statement, which is sort of like a long affirmation of different parts of my essence. I found all of the places that I felt strong and created a sort of stream of consciousness around it. I have it written down, and made a sound file on my phone that I can listen to on repeat if/when I need to as well. It also gives me tons of positive points to journal or meditate on, or write in my private blog about, or this blog - outlets that bring my mind to qualities inside of myself that I love and feel good about having developed. It's kind of a mental go to for those moments where I feel weak or insecure, and I like having it. I've also done a shedload of planning for outside in comforts as well.

Tonight I drive E. to the airport, and then head out for dinner with an ex-girlfriend-y friend. We've hooked up a couple of times as a quad sexually, but never just the two of us, so we have intimacy without it being particularly intense. Effortless and supportive, she's a great listener and accepts me just as I am and choose to live my life. Tomorrow evening is going to be BUSY - we have a special event going on at one of my businesses that about 150 people are attending, and I have a full staff on with a pizza party and major jazz-up session beforehand. That will be followed by two girlfriends coming over to make dinner, make cocktails, hot tub, and watch a girlie movie. Saturday I'm driving out to the city to go for a lunch with a girlfriend, then picking up another close girlfriend to bring her back for a sleepover at my place - hot tubbing, movies, games and hanging, we are really close - have lived together, traveled all kinds of places together, and have a really awesome natural chemistry between us that allows for intimacy without it being a big deal. Not sexual intimacy, but cuddling and hand holding and snuggling up in bed. It'll be nice to have that familiarity on the night that I was thinking was going to be vulnerable.

Ranger has been SOOO sweet to me, and now that I'm convinced that it's not motivated by guilt I'm sinking right back into our groove. There was a weird number next to his name in my text message program - I figured it was a speed dial number or something, but no.... it's the amount of txts that we have exchanged, and it's edging up towards 1250 LOL. We are txting machines. We keep in touch with each other throughout the day, with the exception of the "text free zone" that E. requested from 5-8 each night for "our time". While it's crazy to think that we might not actually get to have proper date time until July, I'm kind of at peace with it. I feel like I just want to relax into Sync and E before I amp everything up with my own intimacy with Ranger.

It's like - I want to be sure that there is no part of me that is burying what I need to go through in regards to my insecurities and upset with E and Sync. I want to paw through that shit and get to the bottom of it, have my coping strategies in place, and really confront those spots of darkness inside of myself before I explore a relationship with Ranger. I don't want to use him as any kind of a crutch, and while I'm fairly confident that it wasn't my motivation for this weekend, it's just all too mixed up to feel totally clear about it. I prefer to come to him clear, and for him to come to me with time and space to spare. E. and I have strict boundaries about not using our secondary relationships as sounding boards/listening tools for our own relationship, so it's doubly important that I not be even bringing that to Ranger energetically in my mind.

I have firmed up plans with Mischief for next weekend without even really realizing it. He wants me to come out to the city and stay over - not with him, which I find endearing in its respect and thoughtfulness - but so that he can take me out in the evening, and then the next morning. I'm going to stay at the same hotel that I planned on going to with Ranger and treat myself to a little BP time, sandwiched with Mischief time. I am looking forward to getting to know him better - I find him a curious human being in general, and just kind of want to see where it goes. I dated a guy like him a few years ago - he was exceedingly wealthy as well, and didn't have to work, just kind of played at it for fun. He turned me on to Ashtanga yoga, which is still part of my life, and lit me on fire with his incredible mind and body. I really fell hard for him, and it wasn't easy when it became clear that our geography and general place in life would make it impossible for us to be in relationship. We're still in touch, and go through these periods of intense attraction to each other, but that's petered off as he has a baby momma and a little one now. I find it curious that I have attracted such a similar man in so many ways - fine dining, the best of everything at his fingertips just taken for granted. I worry that it has created a spoiled, over-privileged centre in him on some level - he is cocky and self assured in a way that only money can truly bring to a human being, and it makes me suspicious of him. He's not an ass, but I'm curious to get to his gooey centre and see what's there. I like that he devotes time to long emails, and txts me regularly, and I think that he finds it totally refreshing that I am not weirded out by his wide circle of girlfriends at all.

And so tonight, I drop E. off at the airport, and he goes to see Sync. He's done a lot of work to connect with me this week, and be there for me during my process. We are well bonded and in love. I declined intimacy with him - not wanting that 24 hour splashover right now - would like clear delineations between intimate encounters while I am getting clear, both coming and going. I feel as though I'm preparing for battle in some ways - armor, my army of friends ready to be there for me, my life coach letting me know that she's there for txting or an emergency session if needs be.... I am as ready as I can be for heading into this next part of our poly life, and am confident in my ability to care for myself and be a good partner to myself.

It is strange to realize that I am not that into Sync. Yes, I'd love to have hot sessions with her once in awhile, but the desire to have her be my girlfriend is fading every day. I've been in this place before, and our sexual connection brought me back to a place that I thought might indicate that we had more in common than I might have thought. NRE/sexy shit is so deceiving! I hate it! I really do! It's like I lose half of my IQ from NRE, and it just makes me into a love-zombie. So ridiculous. E. is coming to terms with this reality very reluctantly - I think he's still holding onto the ideal of a triad, but that seems to be largely over for me. I'm sure that I'll get to a point where we'll all hang out and it'll be fun/hot again, but I don't think that I will ever have a desire to date her independently, and I'm actually really cool with that idea in the core of myself.

Yeah Mags, life is full, but I don't feel overwhelmed, so I know that I'm doing a-okay on the whole. I'm sure I'll be ready for some quiet time by myself next week - I have my personal and business scholarships to present to the graduating classes at a number of highschools here in my community, but no other obligations for the entire week, so I'm sure that I'll just spend them reconnecting with E. and having time to myself.

Life certainly is interesting.... stay tuned for some psycho blogs over the weekend. JK! Well, maybe not.... Who knows?!? Sinking isn't an option, so I might be swimming through some shit over the next few days, and am sure that I'll end up on here either way.

[BaggagePatrol]

Back from dinner with my girlfriend. It was an interesting meal to be sure. E and I were in a quad with her and her partner last summer and we all shared a really fun friendship for awhile. The sex was mediocre though, and the more that I got to know her husband the less I liked him as a person. Her and I have stayed friends, but I have to admit that I have been puzzled how such a together, intelligent and amazing woman can be with such an immature and insecure man. Well, turns out that she's puzzled as well - things are looking bleak for their future, and I have a feeling that she is going to leave him. I care a lot about her, and her happiness and tucked away my bs for the night to be there for her. My heart goes out to her - there is nothing like knowing that a relationship is no longer right for you, but not knowing how to make the decision to leave.

We talked for a long time, and left after giving each other some enormous hugs. I offered for her to come and stay here for awhile if she needs to find her footing, and she said that she might just take me up on that. I just want to see her happy, and out of this horrible place of indecision; I will support her choice no matter what.

The core of her challenges with him comes from his need to continue to be open. She feels like they have had some adventures, and that she doesn't need to continue forward with an open relationship - he does. While he's willing to shelve it for awhile to work on their relationship, he'll ultimately want to return to being open. That coupled with her dissatisfaction around a lot of other stuff seems to be driving her further and further away from him.

I wonder how it will all play out - it seemed like she has already largely made up her mind to leave. They've been together for eleven years - there is nothing that is going to make this an easy choice for her, as there is a lot of history, and a lot of love amongst the discontent. I know that when we were in the quad with her, I was always under the impression that she was only doing it for his sake. She confirmed that this evening, and while she had a lot of fun with us, she said that she could have taken or left the sex, and really just loved the friendship.

Elemental is officially with Sync now - he txted to let me know that he arrived safely. I shared my boundaries with him, and I believe that he will respect them - they're so different from my initial boundaries heading into this that it's almost laughable. They are: When he txts me to not be cuddled up with her while doing so - to make time to communicate with me. No using Sync as a sounding board for our relationship. Focus on the present and don't make decisions about the future. No coming home with scratches/bite marks. No calling me - I don't want the opportunity to slip into upset with him in a weak moment.

I have lots of stuff coming up for me now that I'm home - in an uncomfortable place, and not feeling all that great, but I knew that this was going to come. Didn't help that E. left his facebook logged in with a message of kinky shit that he wanted Sync to buy for when he got there staring me in the face. ARGH I wish that wasn't there when I logged on! I hate that shit! Oh well, what... did I think they were just going to cuddle this weekend? Um... no.

Elemental knew this difficult time was going to come for me, and went anyways. Sync knew that I was struggling, but wanted Elemental to come anyways. They want what they want, and I am not going to be the person who says no to two grown adults who want something together. And so I facilitated it, and will do my work and own my own feelings, and develop my own relationships. Is it really what I want? I don't know, in truth - but I do know that I'm not a coward, and that I can survive this. I am hopeful that our relationship won't take a hit it can't recover from during this weekend, and that I don't end up distancing myself from E. because it's so difficult for me.

Time to go and watch a movie and snuggle up under a cozy blanket. Three nights - I can do three nights. I knew I wanted to just get through this and see what was on the other side - and so I am committing to that choice with courage and wholeness. Wish me luck!

[fuchka]

Luck!

I like what you said about not wanting to use Ranger as a crush. Yeah, there will be good aspects to not being able to hang with him this weekend. Not only the crutch thing, but also: emotions that may arise for you from E being with Sync may not be easily set aside in order to focus on enjoying yourself in a new relationship experience of your own. Basically, you may need familiar friends and hot tubs more than new sexy lover

Also YES to the way you put the wanting thing (E and Sync wanting to spend time with each other even though it could be a difficult adjustment for you). From the other perspective, it's hard to realise and own that you want something even though it's going to be more of a challenge to your partner than if you didn't want this thing. Yah, darned reality... it's a heady adventure, eh. At least not dull.

If it was easy, everyone would be doing it

Haha, yes. But as you said, so worth it. (Well has been so far for me)

Hang in there x

[BaggagePatrol]

I feel like I'm on my period.... but not. I'm watching cheesy romantic stories and being angsty and moody. So, being poly is like being on your period? Add two fingers of Scotch and you're in full hormonal meltdown. Grand!

I kinda freaked tonight, but figured out what I needed, and communicated it to E. "Is it possible that you can respect my need for no penetration?" Indeed he can (or so he sez.... le fuck, c'mon trust, build!). And while it's kind of a detail, it's a big detail for me right now. Baby steppin' in, and I don't need to pretend to be any braver than I actually am.

Oh lord. I'm gunna need some ativan before this weekend is over, but whatevs - make peace with it however I need to.

Thanks for the luck fuchka - I be needin' that over here! And no, never dull.... but I'm kinda wishing for the kind of excitement that comes from a lazy beach day with a good book vs. this right now. Feck... you just gotta roll with it,, I guess.

[Magdlyn]

You asked him for no penis in vagina intercourse? That is a lot to ask, since he and she have had a relationship since when? Last winter at least? And have done that deed many times, I'd imagine. So you sprung this request on him right in the middle of his 3day weekend with her? Perhaps they've already fucked several times at this point. Did he leave with an agreement they could do any sexual thing they wanted, and now you've changed the boundary mid weekend?

Maybe it's just me... I've never understood the sacredness of penis in vagina sex. Perhaps it is because I am pansexual and do not expect penis in vagina to happen with some of my queer friends at all. I like to make use of whatever someone is offering, fingers, mouth, toys, pussy or cock (toes, knees...).

[BaggagePatrol]

Yep, asked for no PIV sex for last night. They have never had independent sex to date, so it's a big step, and one that E. had even expressed some reservations about before leaving. It left tons of play on the table with the thing that was making me rear up like a nervous horse off the menu - win for all of us. He totally respected that - and no, they hadn't had sex already, they were out at a pub hanging out. E's txts were reassuring, loving and kind. I went to sleep feeling pretty peaceful and that's more than I had actually anticipated.

Will I keep need that boundary for the whole weekend? Bloody unlikely/unreasonable, but for last night it was more than I could handle, and I'm glad that I was able to txt with him a bit and come to a place of some peace.

[BaggagePatrol]

Perhaps a good analogy for your first run at poly with your partner is when you realize that you forgot to shave your leg before putting on a big bandaid. You can pull it off little by little, yanking hair by hair, or you can just tear that fucker off.

I didn't want E and Sync to have PIV sex. It was too much for me, and I knew it. I was doing pretty well with him being there, being pretty well with the idea of the dyad, but the sex just made a swarm of hornets light up inside of my chest, throat and mind, stinging me into a sense of total confusion and upset. Obviously my big red shiny button! Would I have liked if he was like, "Well, you know, this is a huge step already, and I respect that boundary. I love you, there is plenty of time for that down the road, and I've pushed you so far already that I can make a concession for you." Fuck yes I would have liked that. But I am not married to that guy, and if I was, I doubt we'd even be doing poly LOL. I'm married to Elemental, who at the core of him, is willing to sacrifice my comfort to have what he wants. And so I just said fuck it.... just do it. Just rip off the bandaid and let's see where we are afterwards.

I think I actually physically felt it in my body when it happened. I was having a pretty good evening, although I was nervy/stressy in general from this whole experience, but then I just had this crazy flood of feeling. I'm a bit of a flake, and would go so far to say that I believe that E and I are connected even when we're apart. I would bet money that it's right when they had sex, and it kind of felt like my heart was breaking.

It's not like I didn't know that there would be challenges, and it's not like I just think "This is wrong, and we should stop" but I wasn't expecting it to feel like that scene in Indiana Jones where that guy is trying to rip his heart straight out of his chest. Something in me died right then, and I don't really know what part of me that was.

I needed to stop communicating with him period when I knew that sex was going to happen. Just too much. Perhaps it's just too many days in a row and that's what is so tough. Perhaps it's just the process that has to happen as we unfold. But holy fuck, it's a buffet of shitty emotions, and my plate has been piled high over the past couple of days.

I have been surrounding myself with people that I love though, have been connecting deeply with friends, sharing my struggles and receiving a lot of compassion and support. I'm often the one in that seat - offering support, being strong and someone that people can turn to - it's nice to be able to be on the other end of that, and see what wonderful friends I have around me. I couldn't sleep last night, and had Ranger keep me company through txt - he knew without me even saying much that I was in a really dangerous place emotionally, and was just a solid rock for me. I am so impressed with the way that he approaches life, and how he managed his own wife opening up their relationship. He had a lot of kind words and good ideas for getting through this time. My girlfriends were over pretty late, long talk on the phone with another girlfriend, txting with Mischief, my girlfriend that I had dinner with the other night... still had that hollow feeling of upset in me, but no chance to wallow in it.

I told E. that he was dead to me until Sunday. That I needed to just forget that he existed and move through what was happening. It's just too difficult to be txting with him and dealing with this at the same time.

I have to believe that it will get easier - that this is just a time of transition, and that we are capable of surviving and thriving in poly. I have to believe that this is FOR something and not against something, but in moments of total meltdown like yesterday I just get lost. My stomach has been super queasy from the stress and I've been exercising like a fiend to burn off the energy. My intention statement has gotten so much play that I have pretty much memorized it. I am doing what I need to do to get through, and hope that my upset hasn't pulled E away from this experience that he wanted with Sync. I worry about that - it's why I wanted to stop txting with him - he should just be able to be there, without me being there too, you know? I signed up for this, now I have to deal with what's happening - don't want to suck him into that experience.

Feeling pretty frustrated with my own process, but I have to love myself and accept it even though it's tough. I can, and I will get through this - a fair kick at the can before I make any kind of decisions about the viability of this long term, and certainly am not even going to consider making any kind of decisions when I'm feeling emotional. Obviously we are both into sexual adventurism, and have an easy time loving other people - but is it worth feeling this way? I don't know.... again, I have to trust that it will get easier the more that I go through it - like desensitizing myself or something. But do I want to desensitize this part of my heart? Le fuck. NO DECISIONS. Just be with it. Be with it, own it, experience it and let it go.... time for another run and some yoga - external calm and routine will hopefully bring my internal world back into balance for another chunk of time.

[fuchka]

Ah, dear *hugs*

Proviso: If this sounds like a lecture, it's because it's my own lesson I repeat to myself xx I don't mean to imply that you don't know this shit. It's just what I feel like saying in response to your post.

Ok. Well.

Insofar as we have an influence over our own emotional knots, we should use that magic to ease ourselves.

You say Emental has "pushed you so far already" and "is willing to sacrifice my comfort to have what he wants."

You also acknowledge that this is a complicit thing - just rip the bandaid off already, I've signed up for this, let's see how it feels.

There's a danger here in viewing this situation as one that E has forced you into. Okay, yup, it may have turned out that way in the order that it's happened, and it might also be true that you feel less sure that this is what you want, compared to E knowing this is what he wants.

But but but... god, I know when we first stepped out into "doing poly for real" that the health of my first relationship relied upon my partner and I viewing this as something we were doing as an adventure together. Sure, we had totally different perspectives (I was dating someone else, and he was dealing with feeling like the less exciting partner, being home alone some nights all of a sudden, and our relationship dynamics shifting, without having a new relationship of his own) but in a broad sense we had decided, together, to do this. And we were going to do this wholeheartedly.

After you make a decision like that, to open up, it seems healthier to avoid following the leaves back to whose seed and which tree and which wind blew it there. The road lies ahead. If you own it, you can have it. I reckon you do have this attitude (that this is something you've chosen, and are going to make the most of it for better or worse). Maybe it's just your way of putting things... but blame-y sounding words ring warning bells for me.

Either you draw a line: I'm not prepared to go there. Or you open the gate: let's do it. If you set sail into the poly ocean with blame words in the pockets of your heart, you're going to jeopardise the success of the voyage. Throw that shit out.

The way we frame something to ourselves can mean we feel more/less tension about stuff. Like, sometimes - an issue is an issue because we've made it an issue. An injection hurts less if you let the arm relax. Clenched fist? Sore veins.

Is this escapism? Hmm. Take a dot on a white piece of paper, a dot that bothers you, fuck you can't stop looking at the dot. You wanna play, forget yourself, relax but - gah! That dot looms huge, you're swallowed up in it.

What if you draw some other dots, make a crazy constellation. Did you 'bury' the dot, bottling it up in an unhealthy way? Or did you incorporate the dot in a way that it no longer stresses you out?

Of course, listen to your feelings and respect your own instincts. But from what I have experienced, there's a huge - often untapped - scope for us to be in control of our own attitudes/emotional destiny.

Sometimes we cause scabs by picking at healthy skin.

[BaggagePatrol]

Thank you so much for this posting. It helps so much to hear the perspective of someone who has been in my shoes in one way or another. I do not think that E. forced me into anything; I take full responsibility for manifesting this. I even booked the plane ticket and drove him to the airport. It was really important to me that I be involved in that process so that I could never feel that it was anything other than someone I had electively participated in.

Thank you for reminding me of this though – at times I felt that shift so that it felt like someone was doing something to me, instead of with me... when I was deep down in the muck and mire of uncertainty and upset.

I feel like my biggest mistake was overestimating the amount of time that I could handle for a first tryst. This is a challenge for me – I forget to gear up and down – I just go for the pedal to the metal full speed ahead gear, and don’t insist on enough baby steps. One night would have been a good start – but with a $400 plane fare, I just figured hell, let’s stretch it out for as long as we can. One night probably would have been a LOT easier to wrap by head and heart around while I dealt with my internal, and very human struggles. Three nights and four days was probably an overshoot for manageability.

This reality is here now. I have gone up and down like a teeter totter, but I would say that I am around 70% happy with how I handled the weekend. I definitely have some feelings of failure around staying in touch with E. via txt (not all of which I am even 5% proud of), and not being stronger about that (a lesson for the future) I am proud of myself for standing strong through most of the experience. I suppose on some level I expected to be perfect about managing my struggles, and am ashamed that I brought him into that suffering on any level – I know that it affected his ability to relax and enjoy his weekend, and that doesn’t make me feel very good. But! All of my “worst fears” have unfolded – sex, an independent relationship… and I am still standing, and so is E.

So how do I think that I can manage better the next time around? No txting. No phone calls. Incommunicado. Shorter trysts so that it’s not a marathon of emotional management. Having a date of my own on the same night whenever humanly possible. No longer pursuing relationship with Sync for awhile – let that dyad develop and come back to it down the road if and when I am full relaxed about the two of them being together – I know the capacity is there, but why overburden my developmental process? To forgive myself for not being perfect is pretty important. To continue to work on developing my stronger, more capable emotions and let go of those that feed into the weaker parts of myself. To be even MORE courageous the next time around.

An amazing part of this weekend was finding out how much my friends are there for me when I need to lean on them. They were gleeful at long stretches of time together – long walks in the forest, phone conversations, dinners out, watching movies, having drinks, playing games…. Minus the crappy emotional state that I found myself in repeatedly, it was a wicked fun weekend! All of those people stepping up to the plate for me – calling me on my shit, challenging me, encouraging me to be the best version of myself, to be at peace with my choices, but not judging me when I failed to do so. None of them offering me judgement, just love and support. It was so good for me to be with them, and to accept their support and friendship instead of cloistering myself away and crying in bed with a journal in hand, you know? I reached out instead of turning within, and for me, as an INTJ that is a big deal.

It’s time to get ready to go pick E. up. I have so many conflicting emotions, so many parts of me that are angry and hurt, but I want to rise above all of that and just be a good partner to him. I hope he can forgive me for my failures, and love me for my successes. It’s a growing process and while it’s hard, I am committed to not saying “No” to the people that I love in my life – control is for driving a car, or making a cake – measure ingredients and formulas that get you from a to b. Science. Relationships are anything but linear or step-by-step formulas that get you to a desired place. While the path is windy and fraught with peril at times, I am committed to walking it with E and developing a deep acceptance and happiness for his union with Sync. It may take time, and I’m not going to be a cold-blooded reptile about it in the process, but I am okay with that.