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  #91  
Old 09-15-2011, 06:19 AM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Nyc, I agree that you shouldn't seek out a bi man just to broaden your horizons. And I appreciate your honesty. And I know this thread is not targeted at me and I'm about to engage in a slight derail.

But but but...

"Something about him... I just feel if he's not totally into women, then I wouldn't have his whole attention, or something, almost like he'd be too "easy" sexually to trust."

I've gotta say, that's just a tough thing for me to read, as a bisexual.
I wasn't referring to bi women, though. I knew when I wrote that, I should have explained what I meant.

Since this thread is looking for straight people's responses to the idea of being with bi people of the opposite sex, I thought I'd take the opportunity to honestly explore some of the prejudices I have. I know that, for some reason, if I had an opportunity to be in a romantic or sexual situation with a bisexual man, I would not be totally comfortable. I can be friends with gay men, bi men, transmen, but there is something in me that only wants to be in intimate/sexual relationships with straight men.

I am being honest and admit that this is a prejudice I have, based on assumptions. And the definition of prejudice is to pre-judge someone before you have the facts about them, before you really know them, and I do not like to admit that I do that. But we all pre-judge others in some way, abut some things, in some areas of our lives, and I'm just taking a look at this one because I know it's there. Once I get to know someone well, pre-conceived notions disappear, but sometimes the initial prejudices I might have keep me a little distant and get in the way of my becoming closer.

About the "easy" part of my post -- I only think that way about bi men, not bi women, basically because of testosterone. I guess that my image of bi men is blurred a bit with the stereotype of gay men. I have always thought that when men get together with men, testosterone with testosterone, there's an idea there of them having more of a promiscuous leaning, more of a focus on sex above other things. Of course, I know such generalizations aren't true for everyone, but they do color my attractions to someone. I did make out a few times with the bi guy I had a little crush on for a while, and couldn't get past thoughts of him being with other men. And that was a big part of the turn-off for me. But he's poly with quite a number of partners, so it could've been part of also wondering just how many people this guy fucks and how open his relationships are, because he did not tell me.

I never even really thought of bisexual women in this way, I guess because at least a woman's sexuality is familiar to me, even if her preferences are outside my own. But maybe I'm a little scared of gay and bi male sexuality, almost as if all that testosterone would be too overwhelming for me. I really don't know - I'm just trying to deconstruct it so I can understand myself better. I'm certain most of this was taught to me as part of my cultural conditioning, so it's very strongly ingrained -- I still recall a conversation with my sister when we were in our late teens or early 20s, and she was saying how men are like dogs and can't control themselves, so when you have men with men, it's even more intense. Of course I know better now, all these many years later, but I'm sure it made an impression on how I look at guys and sex and relationships. At least I'm aware and looking at it! Just wondering where prejudices end and just plain old preferences for whom I find attractive begins.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-15-2011 at 07:09 AM.
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  #92  
Old 09-15-2011, 02:46 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I know that, for some reason, if I had an opportunity to be in a romantic or sexual situation with a bisexual man, I would not be totally comfortable. I can be friends with gay men, bi men, transmen, but there is something in me that only wants to be in intimate/sexual relationships with straight men.
I understand this.

I try to look past it because it would be somewhat hypocritical of me, being bi, but I don't find the *idea* of bi men attractive.

On dating sites, I sorta "gloss over" bi men and go to the the straight men.

Its a bit of a circular issue for me.

What it comes down to (for me) is that I'm not attracted to SUBMISSIVE men, and in my head, as stupid and illogical as it is, bi men = submissive men.

Its even more convoluted in my head because my husband is bi-curious and I still find him wildly attractive.

So while I don't and won't seek a bi man, if I were to MEET one and get to know him, I'd be able to move past my initial reaction.
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Old 09-15-2011, 03:11 PM
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I was just thinking that it may well be that some of the women here who are attracted to bi (particularly biamorous) men are attracted, in part, because we tend to be more emotionally androgynous. By which I mean that we tend to embody the full range of human emotional responsiveness. Many women desire a quality of companionship which many or most men cannot offer, simply because they are caught up in lots of masculinity training (and perhaps also some biological traits).

Were I a woman, I'd definitely prefer biamorous or otherwise more androgynous sorts of guys. And I don't mean he wears mens' workboots, a flowery skirt, and a mens' shirt. Appearance has little to do with what I'm talking about. Most biamorous men are like myself. We "pass" as regular straight dudes ... until we get to talking. And when we get to talking ... we're just what the women generally want. We're kind, sensitive, thoughtful, tender, vulnerable, feeling..., but also tough and rugged and "masculine" when the situation calls for it.

Okay, enough bragging on myself.
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  #94  
Old 09-15-2011, 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
What it comes down to (for me) is that I'm not attracted to SUBMISSIVE men, and in my head, as stupid and illogical as it is, bi men = submissive men.
Okay, everyone here who thinks I'm "submissive," raise your hands.
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Old 09-15-2011, 03:19 PM
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Cindie and mbg, thanks for being open about sharing your biases about bi men. Bi biases, heh.

First of all, if a woman has dated 10 guys, she's probably dated at least one bi guy. Most men don't admit to their homosexual cravings to themselves, much less to friends, much less to women they date. Since I am listed as bi on okc, I have been contacted by countless guys who list themselves as straight, but can't wait to tell me how gay they are. They also tell me they don't list themselves as bi, for fear of turning off women, even bi women (like mbg).

Second of all, interesting that mbg thinks of bi men as weak because of their craving for gay sex. Of course, being penetrated in our society is seen as womanly. And women are understood in the patriarchal culture (6000 years and still going strong) to be weak and second class. Since we have vaginas that enjoy being penetrated, penetration must equal weakness and being second class. (This flies in the face of the manly Spartan warrior culture of old, where MM sex was considered superior, and women were married only for procreation.)

Of course, this leads men to not allow themselves to enjoy the prostate stimulation available to them from being anally penetrated, even in masturbation or with their female partners, much less with men.

Not all men enjoy anal penetration though, not even all fully gay men. Lots of gay men never do anal.

Crazy cultural constrictions.
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  #96  
Old 09-15-2011, 03:25 PM
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Cindie and mbg, thanks for being open about sharing your biases about bi men. Bi biases, heh.
Ditto. It's refreshing to read such honest and vulnerable words. It takes courage to tell the truth in the face of possible rebuke.
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  #97  
Old 09-15-2011, 03:49 PM
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Ditto. It's refreshing to read such honest and vulnerable words. It takes courage to tell the truth in the face of possible rebuke.
Absolutely, absolutely. Thank you, guys. Please don't take it amiss that those of us who know many bi men, or who are bi men, feel the need to comment.

On the question of submissiveness, my married roommates are in a total-power-exchange D/s relationship, as it happens. The trans guy is the sub, his husband is the dom.
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  #98  
Old 09-15-2011, 03:49 PM
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Originally Posted by River View Post
Were I a woman, I'd definitely prefer biamorous or otherwise more androgynous sorts of guys. And I don't mean he wears mens' workboots, a flowery skirt, and a mens' shirt. Appearance has little to do with what I'm talking about. Most biamorous men are like myself. We "pass" as regular straight dudes ... until we get to talking. And when we get to talking ... we're just what the women generally want. We're kind, sensitive, thoughtful, tender, vulnerable, feeling..., but also tough and rugged and "masculine" when the situation calls for it.
Abso-effing-lutely! You have hit the nail on the head, River. I have found biamorous men to be more in touch with their emotional sides. And I find that immensely attractive. I also find that, even though I am open to dating straight men, the ones I fall for are bi.

I'd never really thought about it in these terms. Thanks!

JG
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Old 09-15-2011, 05:31 PM
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JG,

Were it not for my plate being full....
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Old 09-15-2011, 08:31 PM
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At all personal send today?
A unique variety of CrazySpam? A computer program gone berzerk? A grammar swirling neurological condition?
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