Non-sexual living partnership?

[VeronicaE]

Hi. I've been married for 15 years now, been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for +5 months. We see each other every Friday to Sunday.
Lately, I don't really feel lust for my husband anymore. We can have sex, and I eventually turn on and kind of enjoy it, but I don't really feel lusty when we start.
In your experience, is this a normal result of NRE? Or maybe it's a sign I don't romantically love my husband anymore?
We are great partners in many other ways (work, raising children, cohabiting, etc), but I don't see how someone will accept being partners in every way but sexually. It's like I would be relieved if he got his own girlfriend. These feelings are so dark to me that I find it very difficult to admit them. Plus I'm terrified to make wrong decisions ...

[Derbylicious]

Since you say that you eventually turn on and kind of enjoy it I would think that likely there just isn't enough lead up for you. It takes time to turn off all the day to day stuff that goes on in your regular life. When you're with your boyfriend for the weekend and don't have any other committments to see to it's no surprise that you're more in the mood for sex.

There seems to be this big belief that sex is supposed to be spontaneous but sometimes it works better to have it planned. That way you can do things throughout the day to get yourself in the mind space for sexy time. Do things like send messages to each other and when you get home get yourself ready as if you're going on a date (even if the plan is just to stay home) and have dinner together and talk over dinner.

I think very likely you have NRE with your new partner but I don't think you don't have any romantic connection with your husband. I think that the new realtionship has just made you more aware of what you would like from your established relationship. Also adding more people to fix a problem in your own relationship isn't a good idea.

[dingedheart]

The simple answer is yes to both.

Why and how did you and your husband arrive at opening up your marriage?

Him finding someone might ease your guilt but could add many other negative complications that could easily spiral out of control....hard to put the genie back in the bottle.

Have you told your husband you've lost that lovin/lusty feeling for him?...could prompt him to step up his game....and or look elsewhere for that romantic component. Assuming that honest communication was the cornerstone agreement upon taking this journey together seems unfair to withhold such an important change in feelings or attitude. Honesty is the best policy in this situation, saves time and the confusion and mixed words or signals.

[SourGirl]

Originally Posted by VeronicaE

Hi. I've been married for 15 years now, been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for +5 months. We see each other every Friday to Sunday.
Lately, I don't really feel lust for my husband anymore. We can have sex, and I eventually turn on and kind of enjoy it, but I don't really feel lusty when we start.
In your experience, is this a normal result of NRE? Or maybe it's a sign I don't romantically love my husband anymore?
We are great partners in many other ways (work, raising children, cohabiting, etc), but I don't see how someone will accept being partners in every way but sexually. It's like I would be relieved if he got his own girlfriend. These feelings are so dark to me that I find it very difficult to admit them. Plus I'm terrified to make wrong decisions ...

I highly doubt you don`t romantically love him anymore. I would place a healthy wage on the NRE for the boyfriend, leaving you spent in the lust department.

If I were you, I definitely wouldn`t make life-altering decisions, while in the throes of NRE.

I wouldnt push him to get a girlfriend, but if he does, you might find yourself wanting his attention again, like many others have, after their partner found someone else. The mind is a tricky thing.

[nycindie]

Sexual desire between a long-established married couple naturally has its ebbs and flows. I wouldn't jump to any drastic conclusions at this point. I believe you are simply very wrapped up in NRE.

[VeronicaE]

Thank you all for your replies.

We started talking about opening up the marriage a year and a half ago. I had fallen in love with someone else, but didn't act upon it. It was the trigger to start talking, though.

We do talk everything through, but I had a hard time getting the courage to discuss this in particular (I only could this afternoon). It's tough to tell this to someone you love, you know. But we ended up reading your replies together, and it was good.

You're so right, nycindie! Still, it was so much easier for both of us to accept the ebbs and flows of desire before opening up the marriage .

It was reassuring to know that NRE can do this to your libido . I won't take any drastic decision right now. We'll spend some more quality time together and see what happens.

Thanks for the support!

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by VeronicaE

In your experience, is this a normal result of NRE? Or maybe it's a sign I don't romantically love my husband anymore?

It's a sign you've been married for 15 years. That exact thing is not uncommon in lengthy marriages and has nothing to do with polyamory.

Does it have to remain that way? No. I suspect a search on "recapturing the spark" or some such will garner a great many resources for how you can rekindle lust and passion in your marriage.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by VeronicaE

It was reassuring to know that NRE can do this to your libido . I won't take any drastic decision right now. We'll spend some more quality time together and see what happens.

Thanks for the support!

I'll tell you what we often see here when someone comes here to post their story about opening up a marriage.

You didn't mention whether or not your hubs also dates someone, but either way, what a lot of couples do is go out and have lots of sexy times with their new loves and forget to have dates with each other. The married couple's time together is all too often about family, household, errands, paying bills, etc. Compare that to a fun date and hot sex with a new boyfriend or girlfriend who doesn't share those mundane, everyday responsibilities with you and it seems like the marriage doesn't sparkle anymore. It can be especially hard on a spouse who doesn't have an OSO and stays home while the dating spouse goes out on the town. That spouse staying at home absolutely needs to have other things to do, people to hang with, etc., and should hire a babysitter to do it.

Whether poly or mono, have kids or not, married couples still should have a designated date night every week where they don't talk about the car repairs or the leaky roof, and romance each other. It doesn't have to be a fancy dinner out once a week, but set aside time to connect, even if it's just a walk in the park and getting an ice cream. The biggest mistake long-married couples can make is assuming that they know their partners completely and there is nothing left to get to know abut them. Each day is new, and both of you are always evolving, changing, so court each other and get to know one another again!

[dingedheart]

Cindie,
This situation sounds exactly the same as a thread that you and I participated on ...one very late night/early morning last summer. Do you happen to remember the OP's name, month or date, or what section it was in....I'm guessing mid June or July in the General discussions section. If that women is still active here it might be helpful to hear what worked for her, how long these feeling lasted...or if they ended up changing their dynamic because of it.

From what I remember the consensus of the group was fake it til you make it. Meaning use the romantic thoughts and imagines of the new lover during those times with your husband.

There have been people that have wanted to change there relationship structure over these type issues. I was actually one of those people....so it happens. And there are a handful of threads around discussing that topic as well....not that you need to consider that at this point...just food for thought.

Good luck to you both.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

Cindie,
This situation sounds exactly the same as a thread that you and I participated on ...one very late night/early morning last summer. Do you happen to remember the OP's name, month or date, or what section it was in....

I don't recall which thread you are remembering, but I have seen it brought up with many people over the past year or so. I guess you could do a search for "date night" or something like that.