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Old 03-02-2012, 08:32 PM
PolyVerve PolyVerve is offline
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Default How to get started with serious dating?

I am in a long-term poly relationship. We've both had various tertiary partners throughout the years, and one serious secondary partner, but nothing like this. My partner is hetero and I'm bisexual.

In the past, we've both dated people that the other partner may have known, but not necc. spent alot of time together, so most of the poly action happened outside of the other's company. More importantly, it was always clear that these folks were not candidates for any sort of primary relationship. (Our secondary partner had a sexual relationship with my partner, and was my best friend. Even so, she had a home and a husband that were separate from us.)

Now I've developed feelings for a hetero guy that we've both been close friends with for a decade. We see each other on a weekly or more basis, our kiddos are close friends, etc. My long-term partner is all for us dating, and the guy has never tried poly, but is willing to give it a shot. I am just really unsure how to go about getting started (I guess it would be a v?) and how it will all work.

Does anyone have any experience with this type of thing, and if so, will you share your thoughts? Thanks in advance.
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Old 03-02-2012, 10:01 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I live each day as it comes and keep on top of "me" time, what my boundaries are, requesting that I have what I need in my relationships, consider everyone when I make decisions, keep asking questions, don't assume or expect anything, remain open and honest with myself and in communicating and live with as much integrity as I can muster.

I suggest you do a whole lot of reading here as you are not alone, have asked a similar question to many before you and have a similar situation. I also suggest your men stay on top of what poly theories and language is out there and educate themselves.

Try doing a search in the tags for "foundations" "lessons" and any other tag that catches your interest in the tag cloud.
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Old 03-03-2012, 03:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyVerve View Post
My long-term partner is all for us dating, and the guy has never tried poly, but is willing to give it a shot. I am just really unsure how to go about getting started (I guess it would be a v?) and how it will all work.
Don't worry about the configuration or labels (vee, primary, etc.). It's not like there should be a mold for you to pour this person into. The thing that's most important is the relationship and your feelings for each other.

I'm a little confused when you say you don't know how to get started, because you also said that both your long-term partner and this friend of yours are willing that this can become a romantic relationship -- so, doesn't that mean you already started, in a way? At least, by talking about it? How did this friend say he would give it a shot unless you talked to him about it? So, now, go out on a date, have some intimate time time together, get it on, see how it goes, and so on. What else would you need to do?
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-03-2012 at 03:13 AM.
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Old 03-03-2012, 06:42 AM
PolyVerve PolyVerve is offline
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"How did this friend say he would give it a shot unless you talked to him about it?"

Good point, thanks!

"So, now, go out on a date, have some intimate time time together, get it on, see how it goes, and so on."

So you're saying treat it like a more mainstream relationship? I think that sounds like a good idea.
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Old 03-03-2012, 07:32 AM
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Getting started depends on how well you know them and what you are comfortable doing. I have started dating two people recently. The first date with the one I knew fairly well but still wasn't sure about consisted of going out for pizza and talking for hours. Then there was the one I knew very very well and had lots of chemistry with, he and I had pizza delivered and had sex for hours. So decide how well you know this guy and grab pizza... Dine in... Carry out... Delivery... DiGiorno? Up to you.
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Old 03-03-2012, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by PolyVerve View Post
So you're saying treat it like a more mainstream relationship? I think that sounds like a good idea.
Sure. Poly dating and mono dating aren't all that different except for the fact that the people you're dating have other people they're dating or are committed to. What other ways would there be to get to know someone, do fun things together, and develop a loving, caring relationship with them? Dinners out, lunches, walks, movies, events, parties, meeting friends, hand-holding, smooching, getting jiggy wid it, breakfast in bed, backrubs, hanging out doing nothing... I don't really know of any other methods for dating.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-03-2012 at 12:25 PM.
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Old 03-03-2012, 10:23 AM
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I guess my biggest questions are regarding conduct. Sure, I can go on a date with this guy, but what happens when we're all out with our kiddos, at a BBQ, etc? Tonight our group of friends and kiddos attended a family night and then went out to dinner. This is a typical evening for our group. Now, we're not dating yet, so there wasn't any affectionate physical contact, but what happens when we start dating? Do we pretend like nothing's happening, with all of my usual affection going to my primary, or do I go nuts trying to pay equal attention to them? (I have to admit, though, it's kind of a nice problem to have.)
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Old 03-03-2012, 12:53 PM
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The out in public with kids and metamours is something that has to be negotiated and the well being of the kids taken into account. Is he married? If so, what will his wife be comfortable with. I have a 15 year relationship in which there are two kids and they are only to think he and I are friends. That is their parenting decision. I am not happy about it, but not unhappy enough to terminate the relationship. Though I must admit that it is not my main priority right now.
Now, the person that I had pizza delivered with also has kids about the same age as my 15 year relationship. His wife wanted me to stick around and talk so I ended up meeting the kids. I was amused to hear " Oh red hair, how pretty! Way to go Dad!".

We have a child that is my husband's by his first marriage. She is not allowed to even meet our other partners because it could cost us custody and visitation rights and that is not a risk my husband is willing to take. Definitely different parenting styles.

How do you want to handle things with your own children? How does the new boyfriend want or need to handle things with his kids?
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