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Old 01-31-2011, 02:21 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Default Life Changes..the beginning.

Continuing on from our introduction....

We had our first meeting last night with our friend. We'll call him J. I was a bit nervous, I didn't know how he was going to feel and I didn't want to scare him off. We all sat down, hubby on one side, J on the other. They held hands in my lap, which made me all warm and fuzzy inside. They are both straight (for now? heehee), but have a very close and comfortable relationship which is what I think helps this situation be ideal.

We essentially invited him to be part of our family. We wanted it to be me and hubby, me and J, J and hubby (their friendship), and all of us together. We want him to come over whenever, whether hubby is home or not, whether I am here or not. We discussed our boundaries, actually showed him the list hubby and I had made together, including a no intercourse rule for now. I do hope that will change in the future, but for now I am content with that.

He expressed his concerns, and where his open marriage failed. He's worried about stepping on hubby's toes. He also said his deal was that he was still looking for somebody, and that if he happens to find her, then our situation needs to come to an end. We all agreed that anybody can stop it at any time. I did express my concerns about not wanting to just be a piece of ass, that I wanted respect like they had respect for each other, and hubby has respect for me. He said he understands that and that there is more there than that, he feels a connection as well.

So after we had all of our boundaries gone over, and had a group hug, we all had a drink and piled into our bed. It was an amazing night for me, I wont go into all of the details, things were a little awkward at moments, but in the end all worked out. I was exhausted as I felt it important to make sure that both men were well taken care of. I enjoyed the attention, but I didn't feel that it was about me. I felt completely happy making each one of them feel good.

This morning we discussed our feelings. Hubby said he didn't feel jealous or uncomfortable, which I thought was awesome. J said he did say he was a bit tentative as he still didn't want to step on hubby's toes. I was just on cloud 9 about the situation (NRE???), but I'm also apprehensive about those feelings. I know that this situation is always going to be on the edge of coming to an end, and I'm afraid to get comfortable, or attached. Unfortunately for me, I am one of those people that get attached easily and I did tell both hubby and J. J says that concerns him a bit. It's not so much the attachment I'm worried about, I just know that if I do, it's going to hurt like hell when this comes to an end, and I need to be prepared for that. So I feel torn as far as wanting to happy and excited, and not wanting to get used to this.

J stayed all day until 5. Hubby and I traded off playing with the kids in the bedroom and napping in the morning, while J slept on the couch. I think next time I'll clear out and set up an actual room for him so he can get some sleep. After everyone was awake I made the guys brunch and we all just lounged and played with the kids, and they dorked out to some video games. Even J was playing with the kids and I felt so lucky to have them both there.

I'm not sure where we will go from here. Hubby and I are still discussing a lot about the experience. So far it has been positive, though hubby still has some mixed emotions, but he doesn't really understand them, so he's doing what he can to sort through them. I still want to get more info out of J. I know he's so concerned about stepping on hubby's toes, and I want to get past that once we have established that everyone is still comfortable with how things are going. I'd like to not have that apprehension or wondering.

We've invited him back over next weekend. Friday this time, since he doesn't work Friday nights. He can come over while hubby is at work, so we can hang out for a while, then spend time the 3 of us. I'm still not sure if he will come or not..another thing that I am apprehensive about. I feel like I am in NRE, but he is not, I'm not sure what the result of that will be. He does say he feels a connection with me, and we had some wonderful moments and conversation last night, but when we are together and separately, it's a totally different feeling and I don't really know what that means.

-Jen
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:21 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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To clarify, the no intercourse rule is for you and J alone? It sure sounds like you had some great sex last night!

I hear you on the attachment bit. My boyfriend is a pilot. 7 months ago I knew he'd have to move at some point ... now he has. But I lived in the moment with him as much as possible then and our relationship is changing now to be whatever it needs to be to see it through.

Although, because he's mono, I remember that at the outset, he was still looking for a nice mono girl to be with. What really helped me was for him to keep me informed. If he chatted with someone new online, I knew. If he was to go out on a date (only happened once), I knew, etc. I didn't take it to creepy stalker level and demand every detail of everything. Just the little bits of info helped me, because I didn't want to be blindsided by a One True Love.
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:36 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi Jen,
It all sounds wonderful!

And, yes, attachment, as in wanting and expecting things to stay the same, wouldn't be healthy nor practical. But I see no reason to hold back affection and caring (if that's how you see becoming "attached" to him).

You actually don't know that it will hurt, if and when J. finds someone else. If you tell yourself it will hurt, you could make it a self-fulfilling prophecy, but... where's the fun in that? It might hurt, but it might be something beautiful... there are other possibilities. You just might experience compersion and be happy for him. We always project the worst possible scenario when looking ahead or experiencing a rush of feelings. Why not project a great scenario?

If, after some time being involved, J. got a fantastic job offer that would take him out of the country and far away, wouldn't you be happy for him even though you would miss him? You would want the best for him, so it would be no different in a love relationship. If he wants a primary relationship and finds someone to love in that way, wouldn't you be happy for him? You also don't know where that could lead... A new friendship for you? A quad, maybe? This is all speculation about something that hasn't happened yet, anyway. If you hold yourself back NOW from feeling the joy and pleasure of what you have -- for fear of being hurt later -- you won't truly be present.

I have some friends who always say, "Live today like it's your last." That doesn't mean we don't plan for the future, but it does mean that we never know what will happen, so enjoy every precious moment now. Our time with the people we love will always be limited.
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:41 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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The no intercourse is between me and J at all, whether hubby is present or not. Hubby said he's not sure if he will ever feel comfortable with it, we will see where it leads. I'm totally cool with that, if it's what hubby needs to be okay with all of this.

I love the idea of being informed, but not to the stalker level. I wasn't sure how to bring that up without sounding clingy and hypocritical, but I might just read your post verbatim as it seems pretty clear!

And yes, great sex, an emotional high, after the last couple of weeks, and particularly 24 hours I am TOTALLY SPENT. It might take me a week to recover at this point! Haha.
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:51 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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nycindie,

Yes, my reference to attachment is the affection and caring, and allowing myself not to hold that back.

I love how you changed the perspective of that. Your post actually brought tears to my eyes. Hubby and J are both military, so any of us can get orders at any point. I know that this will always be a moment away from ending. I would definitely be happy for him if he were to find somebody else, because of the amazing relationship I have with my husband, I wish that everybody can find that kind of love and understanding. I feel like the luckiest person ever!
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Old 01-31-2011, 08:31 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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We're still a mix of emotions here. Hubby did tell me that he wants me to not hold back, he wants me to put everything into this, and he will work on the things he needs to cope with, while communicating still. Our boundaries are in place and he is content with those. He told J the same thing, though we aren't entirely sure if he got the message yet, as we do a lot of our talking through text and his phone has been a bit temperamental lately as far as delivery goes!! I'm hoping that will ease his reservations about things he tells me as well (J's, not hubbys).

It makes me smile, that he wants to see me happy, and loves me for me! It takes somebody truly remarkable to accept this situation, when you are not like minded. Every day I feel like our marriage grows stronger, and being able to wear my feelings outward has been relieving.
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Old 02-02-2011, 01:53 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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I feel like I'm writing a lot to myself here, but that's what journaling is about, right?

So many uncertainties here at the beginning of this journey. I don't know if it makes it easier, or more difficult to open the door before the emotions really start flowing. Hubby and I had all of the discussions and boundaries set before we proceeded, which was definitely a wise choice. Watching our relationship grow with this new found communication, has been such a wonderful experience. For our marriage, it was the best thing to do, and our marriage is the most important.

But now, here I am caught in this web of what ifs and don't knows. In my mind, I see this relationship between J and I, and between hubby and I, and hubby and J, then all 3 of us together in a comfortable state. J is interested in seeing where this goes, but I have to wonder if he really is interested in pursuing more than a casual relationship (with benefits), with me.

This is all so new, J and I don't really communicate outside of when he is here, and through text, which is not a very effective from of communication. It often leaves more questions than it does answers. He's coming back Friday for dinner, a movie, some one on one time for him and I while hubby is at work. It seems so far away and I have to reign in my thoughts and not ask him to deep of questions through text because I don't know that what I am after will come across right. In the meantime, I'm antsy as hell.

I want to know if he's holding back because of his relationship with hubby? Am I somebody that he would pursue if the situation where different? When he's here, it sure feels like it, but when he's not, I can't tell. When he's here, I feel a strong physical and emotional connection from both sides. When he's not... I get little of that and my thoughts wander. I don't want to be too aggressive, but when you know what you want, and what you like, it's hard to control that.

What I do know, is that in the last two weeks, through all of this I have felt more in tune with who I am, than I ever have. I feel like a better wife, and a better mother. I want to cherish these moments while I can.
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Old 02-02-2011, 05:15 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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I'm still reading, sometimes! Even though we talk all the time, it's still nice to see it in writing, since things usually come out more fluidly when written...

Anyways, I've been doing a lot better with the situation. I've put a lot of mental energy into the situation. It's been a bit of a rough ride for me, emotionally the last couple weeks. I've been working on breaking a lot of molds for myself. I've been talking with a couple of friends, and they've helped me out a lot. Mostly it was my own process of figuring out why my fears are there, and understanding them.


For a while, I didn't really want to see casual kissing. It scared me for some reason. Then, on Sunday night, I was thinking about it, and I realized that's how I show my love for people. I show my love through physical touching, kissing, hugging etc. So I felt like if they shared that too, it would lessed what I have. I know that's not true, and I never thought it, but it was what I felt.

Last night Jen and I were talking, and I madeanother pretty good step. I realized that I give out a lot of love. Most of the guys under me, I love them. Hand hugs, hugs, shoulder rubs... Haha They get a lot of love from me. It seems like the more good people around me I have, the more that I love them all. After I realized that, it made a little bit more sense how Jen operates. It's not quite the same, but it's very similar.

Also, just because of the way I initially viewed the situation, I looked at it like a problem. J was filling a role that I couldn't, and I wanted to fix that. That's what I do after all, I fix things. If it's not working, I change myself to fit the situation. Unfortunately, it's not something that I can do. It was hard for me to accept, but I've come to the realization that I do everything I can on a daily basis, and that's all I can do. Once I figured that out, it was a lot easier to accept that J filled a role I could never do, no matter how much I tried. If I can't fill it, why worry about trying to change myself, right?

I'm still working on getting over my fears, and breaking some long established values based on my life experiences, but I've made some very good progress. It seemed like every day the last couple weeks, I've put a lot of thought into the situation, analyzing every single thing. Last night, after the last couple of good stepping stones, I hardly even thought about it at all. It's still hard for me to understand the whole situation, but I'm getting there.

I told J he has to come over a lot more, so I can get used to the situation a lot faster. Plus, since his communication with Jen isn't superlative, it'll probably help her out too.
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Old 02-02-2011, 07:03 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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That's really great to hear, Beo!
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Old 02-06-2011, 01:43 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Okay, wow.. big steps made this weekend I think. I'm feeling the NRE coming on big time, mixed with guilt, pleasure, normalcy, awkwardness, happiness...

J came over last night as planned, it was a really long week. Our communication through text isn't very efficient, and I wasn't really sure what he was thinking or feeling. I was looking forward to spending some time with him to talk and get some things out there on the table.

Hubby ended up not having to work on Friday so what was originally going to be some one on one time, ended up not really being so, but that's okay. It worked out, and I still had my two favorite guys with me!

The night started off pretty much identical to last weekend, except I made a really big mistake. Hubby had left J and I to talk and have some intimate time. We did talk, and he did tell me that he feels a connection with me, and is wanting to work towards a more stable relationship even though there is always that possibility of him finding his "person". I told him I just wanted to stay in the loop so I could be prepared for when that happened, but for now... I wanted to cherish what we (all) have together. I felt this insane closeness and I went out to ask hubby if he would give me the okay to change the "no intercourse" boundary. He said no, and that it really upset him that I would ask and that it makes him question the trust issue. I apologized, and told him that I was asking because I would never do anything to break our trust, and neither would J. J didn't even know I was out there asking.

I went back in the room with J and we spent more time together, which I think ended up being more like 30 minutes or so. No boundaries were broken. J went to take a shower and I came out to check on hubby. I sat in his lap and hugged him and he started to cry saying that he didn't think he could do this. That he spent the entire time out here with his mind racing about what we were doing in there, but he didn't want to go in and check either. I told him exactly what went on, and hugged and kissed him and told him how much he meant to me and that I know how hard it is for him, and I can't even begin to explain the appreciation I have for him doing all of this for me to feel right. All at the same time I felt horrible pangs of guilt for feeling this way, I felt wonderful for the strides I made with J, I felt like it was all coming crashing down only moments after it felt like it was getting somewhere.

Thankfully J came out and he hugged hubby, and reassured him that he would never allow those boundaries to be broken, that he loves him, and us as a family. We all talked about it for a long while until the storm passed. The guys hugged, we had a group hug. Then somehow we all ended up back in bed... ha.

We all hung out a little longer, at one point I went to bed but woke up shortly after hearing the guys talking about things. I was listening and while I really wanted to elaborate on some of the things hubby was saying, I stayed out of it and let them have their words. When hubby came to bed, we hugged and kissed, and I asked him if he would mind if I went and spent some time with J, just because our time that we get to spend together is much more infrequent than what I get with hubby. One of the boundaries is that if hubby is available, that I spend that time with him, but was unclear how it applied when we were all together. Hubby said that was fine, so I went and snuggled and talked with J some more.

All in all, it was a wonderful time, I felt like we got a lot more out there on the table, and we are all learning and coping with how things are evolving. I'm happy, and trying to take everything in that I can about the moments that I get with both men. I feel like my relationship with hubby only gets stronger, and the one with J is actually making a turn towards how I envision my life with these two.

*smiles* My heart... it's happy.
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