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Old 02-04-2010, 09:16 PM
icanlovetwo icanlovetwo is offline
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Default Calgary couple seeking advice

Just stumbled on to this forum - I'm glad I did .
I am a 33 yr old female from Calgary Alberta , my husband is 39 , looking for a little advice .
I started speaking with my husband about the idea of dating again . We've never stepped out on one another and I did not want to deceive my partner - what's the point in that ....
I am so very lucky , my husband is very thoughtful and accepting and is excited about the idea - we are very secure in our relationship .

I have wanted to get to know a male friend of ours alot better - for about 3 years I have felt this way . My husband also wants to date .

Our problem is this

How do you date when your already married ?

We feel that if we just tell someone
" Hi , I'm married, I have permission , want to go out ?
Get to know one another ? "
They might just think were crazy , or perverted ! They will probably think were crazy considering they haven't gotten to know us at all . What do you tell the people your interested in dating ?
Do you date someone for a while and then tell them your already married?Do you give them a chance to know you first as friends and let them know later in the relationship that your hoping for more ?
We dont want to mislead anyone but at the same time we want to give them a chance to get to know us before they jump to conclusions or pre conceived notions .
Any advice would be appreciated .
Thanks
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  #2  
Old 02-04-2010, 09:30 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by icanlovetwo View Post

Our problem is this

How do you date when your already married ?

I really wish I had the answer to your question...could use it my own self. Hopefully someone will have something better to add, because while I think I had ideas about this earlier, my brain is currently mushy from the last 2 weeks at work. Apologies.

So...all I'll say for now is, .... Welcome to the forums...and see Greetings from AB, Canada for the rest of the discussion about Calgary.
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Old 02-04-2010, 10:10 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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First off, welcome to the forum!

The topic of when and how to bring up the topic of polyamory to a prospective date (or even a friend) is one that gets debated often. As usual in this poly world it seems that there is no one really good answer, and you have to work out what is right for you (both something that you can morally live with and also gives you the desired result).

My current OSO I met at a poly gathering - so that was kind of a moot point, since we were both poly.

Before that I kind of brought up the subject not as a "I have an SO but would like to date you, I'm poly", but more along the lines of while talking to them about life and ourselves, mention the term and ask them if they have heard of it. Some have, some haven't, and describing it as "responsible non-monogamy" and something very different from cheating is a good start. Sometimes they will (metaphorically) run - and some feel that this is a shame - it doesn't bother me, though because if they run at just that, then chances are trying to make a poly relationship with them work would be, well, a lot of work.

Sometimes they will ask you more, and I recommend some good online resources to them which they can read and learn and then come back to you with questions, if they want. The good things about this are that they can see that this isn't just something you have made up in order to get to do the horizontal boogie with them, and it takes the onus off you to explain everything.

The other thing that it's good to have is a good, coherent idea of how you "do poly" - as you will read, there are many, many different styles, and I'd bet that not all will suit you. Discussions between you and your partner about how another person would "fit" with you are vital to have, so that you can communicate this with a prospective date and so that they know where they stand and what they are getting themselves into.

OK, there's just a thumbnail from my perspective. I hope that some of it is useful.
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Old 02-04-2010, 10:52 PM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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Welcome icanlovetwo!
My husband and I have found that dating sites like okcupid or adultfriendfinder are pretty polyfriendly. I found my bf on aff and my hubby is currently into a woman on okcupid. Best of luck in exploring poly!
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Old 02-04-2010, 10:58 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Welcome !

From one, 33 yr old married, calgary female, to another ! lol

I second the OkCupid recommendation. While I have not met anyone off of there, I have enjoyed the poly-friendly people I chat with.

Last edited by SourGirl; 02-05-2010 at 03:57 PM.
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Old 02-04-2010, 11:49 PM
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PittDruid PittDruid is offline
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Welcome, I am trying to figure this question out myself.
Best of luck to you.
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  #7  
Old 02-05-2010, 02:15 PM
rubyfish rubyfish is offline
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To join in the chorus, I use okcupid, as well. As I'm still relatively new to polyamory, I've confined myself to people that list themselves as in a relationship, but available or that mention poly in their profile. I've found no shortage of people to talk to and have met two in person.
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Old 02-05-2010, 05:03 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I use okcupid, and as a guy, it is not exactly a great resource for finding people in my area. That said, I like the forums. I have also not been overly active in searching.

On the flip side, I notice women get more hits than men, my wife will be joining shortly so hopefully that will end up more prosperous.

I seem to have fine "luck" finding people interested in real life. Same way I would pick people up when I was single. It doesn't always work out (rarely does) but I don't exactly bat 100 when I am single either. Again, my wife seems to have a better run at this than I do.
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Old 02-05-2010, 05:39 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by icanlovetwo View Post
Just stumbled on to this forum - I'm glad I did ..........
How do you date when your already married ?

We feel that if we just tell someone
" Hi , I'm married, I have permission , want to go out ?
Get to know one another ? "
They might just think were crazy , or perverted ! They will probably think were crazy considering they haven't gotten to know us at all . What do you tell the people your interested in dating ?

Do you date someone for a while and then tell them your already married?Do you give them a chance to know you first as friends and let them know later in the relationship that your hoping for more ?
We dont want to mislead anyone but at the same time we want to give them a chance to get to know us before they jump to conclusions or pre conceived notions .
Any advice would be appreciated .
Thanks
Hi IcanLove,

Welcome ! Hope you enjoy and participate. Very open group here with a variety of perspectives.

Your particular question, as others have already noted, is a tough one in current society (North America in particular).
It seems common sense has to dictate in different situations.
For example..........

If I were approaching someone in the obvious context of dating etc, I (personally) would have to be open & up front about that fact that I'm already married etc. It's just not good to start off a relationship with a lie or hiding things. Eventually it has to come out and when it does you're going to take a hit in the trust/credibility dept. Usually a fatal hit.

It it was an existing friendship I wanted to take further, the fact that I was married would (hopefully) already have been established. In that case I think it's normal to let the friendship grow and develop for awhile to see how deep it might really be. How compatible you would be on deeper levels. If it seems to both that a real bond is forming, the 'poly' discussion seems to just flow in naturally. In short, don't hurry it.

As for internet connections, at least in our experience, it's not very fruitful.
Sites like others have mentioned OKC and AFF at least acknowledge the existence of poly desires. AFF, although tagged and viewed by many as a 'swingers' site, does offer a fair number of people who may in the end be poly inclined. But not a majority for sure.
On any sites, men seem to outnumber women 10-1 so for a woman it can be oppressing and frustrating. You'll no doubt probably be deluged. For men (because of the previous statement) it's frustrating and seems a constant uphill battle to connect with a woman not suffering from that deluge of, often times ignorant, advances. No different than in a bar or club I suppose (but in internet level volume)? (never done bars)

So if you are in an area where there are sufficient people to have some social contact in general, maybe there will be more solid opportunities there. If you in a more rural or isolated area like us you may have to resort to the internet or travel a lot.

Good luck !

GS
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  #10  
Old 02-05-2010, 06:19 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I have to say I am not one to walk up to a girl and say "hey you are cute, wanna drink, btw I am married but in an open relationship (saying poly confuses the issue)". Since I easily connect with women I tend to just go out with them, see if there is any connection at all. If there is, then I politely mention I am married and go into it from that angle. This also lets me see if I am interested, I am pretty picky so I need to figure out if I am interested too haha

I don't think explaining it right from the getgo is worthwhile and can create un-needed tension when you are just trying to get to the friendship level. If it happens to come up, such as when I am around people that know me or my wife, I don't have a problem talking about it.

That said, my wifes approach is different than mine, she is more than happy to throw it out there right off the bat. She is very open and, at times, almost in your face about it. Shocking sometimes...

So far I have ended up with more than my share of female friends and have yet, (in either situation) to loose someone to the fact that we are open (unless of course, we didn't like them). Have I dated them all, no...but would I...I doubt it.

Do whatever feels natural to you. Don't change how you act to suit your poly life. It will just feel awkward and unnatural to the person you are trying to date.
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