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  #1  
Old 02-09-2012, 08:23 AM
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Keiuna Keiuna is offline
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Default Interesting situation - looking for advice

Hey everyone, hope you're all having a splendid day

So I'm is somewhat of a predicament and I'm not sure how to proceed. My girlfriend (Jay) and I decided to test the polyamorous waters around Christmas time. Previously she was the only one who showed much interest in it and it has taken me a while to fully grasp and become comfortable with it. When she moved to another city (4+ hour drive) last fall, we begun to talk about how it would effect our relationship and how we should go about making adjustments for our new lifestyles. This is how we decided to try polyamory.

Now that you have the lowdown, I'll go into a bit more depth about this situation. It might be kind of a silly dilemma, but as this is my first polyamory experience, I'm pretty foggy about how to proceed. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Once we decided to give polyamory a shot, I assumed that Jay would become involved with someone else fairly quickly. She was the one who had taken interest in it and seemed to be quite excited about the idea of finding another girlfriend and/or boyfriend. You can imagine what a shock it was for me to realize that I'm actually developing feelings for someone before she is!

I've been with Jay for nearly five years now. However when we first started dating, I was madly in love with one of her close friends. I had been in love with this woman for a couple years, but at the time she was in a long distance relationship and I was a frigid virgin, so it never developed into anything official (though we both clearly had feelings for one another).

After Jay and I had been dating for a while, we ended up moving in together. One of our roommates was this close friend... the close friend who I was still in love with. Needless to say that this love eventually caused huge issues between Jay and I and ended up resulting in a lot of hurt and anguish. After that I was able to stay with Jay and worked at getting over this woman.

This all happened roughly 3 and a half years ago. Plenty of time to move on, and plenty of time for healing, right?

Well, it just so happens that this woman now also lives in the same town as Jay does. She is also currently in a polyamorous relationship. I've hung out with her dozens of times without so much as a warm fuzzy feeling or a shiver. However the other day Jay sent me some pictures of a photoshoot they had together and something happened. I realized that I'm still definitely attracted to this woman. I'm not in love with her like I use to be, but I love her as a close and valued friend. It took me off guard and shook me up a bit.

I'm torn because I have no inclination to believe that she is still attracted to me. She also lives five hours away so it's doubtful that I'm going to have the chance to pursue it.

So my question to you my fellow polyamorites, is should I tell my girlfriend about these new feelings and risk re-opening old wounds? Should I wait to see if it persists when I move out there this summer/fall? Or should I just forget the whole thing and get over it because nothing is likely to come of it?

I would love to hear your opinions. Thanks in advance
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Old 02-09-2012, 08:39 AM
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You saw some pictures and had sexy thoughts about them. If you see a billboard with a gorgeous model that makes you think, "Wow, what a hottie," do you think you have to let Jay know that you had these thoughts? Are you going to tell her about every attraction that you feel through the course of a day, every day? You're human and there will be people you are attracted to, some with a history in your life and some without. I really don't think this is a big deal nor cause for any alarm or action on your part. Just know that you might now find yourself more conscious about being drawn or attracted to many more people than you used to be, simply because you've given yourself permission by embracing polyamory. Those natural attractions were kept at bay by your previously mono mindset, so be prepared now for the possibility of feeling like a kid in the candy store.

Good luck, relax, and have fun!
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Old 02-09-2012, 09:23 AM
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Keiuna Keiuna is offline
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Thanks for the reassurance

I suppose I have a tendency to over analyze things. I was worried because I haven't been able to shake this feeling the past week. I've been singing a song that I wrote for this woman nearly everyday (it's one of my favorite songs) and haven't been able to get her off my mind. But now that I think of it, I've also been singing songs that I wrote for Jay too. :P

I think part of me might regret that nothing progressed further with our friend. This is the same part of me that really wants to pursue this even though it's unrealistic.

Quote:
be prepared now for the possibility of feeling like a kid in the candy store
THIS! This made me a little giddy because it basically sums up how I feel whenever I'm out and about. I love this.


Thanks for the tips *hugs*

Last edited by Keiuna; 02-09-2012 at 09:25 AM.
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Old 02-09-2012, 01:45 PM
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WonderingAbout WonderingAbout is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keiuna View Post
Thanks for the reassurance

THIS! This made me a little giddy because it basically sums up how I feel whenever I'm out and about. I love this.


Thanks for the tips *hugs*

This is absolute WIN!!
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Old 02-09-2012, 04:57 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Umm,..Do you love Jay ?

I need to ask because you say you love this other woman, love 'this', love our opinions,..but I haven`t read about you being in love for Jay. It reads a bit like she was the 2nd place door prize 5 years ago.

Is she a partner, or a partner you are in-love with ? That could change the type of advice given to you.
Not a judgement, this is a serious question. Not everyone is all goo-goo over their primary.
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Old 02-09-2012, 08:54 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I would tell Jay that you've ben thinking more about poly and that it occurred to you to wonder how she would feel if you approached this woman. If she's not comfortable with it because of your past history with her you can either let it go or press for why it would be ok. But I don't see why you couldn't just ask Jay what she'd think. If you two can come to a good place about it, then you can reach out to the woman and see what she thinks. And then maybe, just maybe, dating! Doesn't seem all that complicated.
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Old 02-09-2012, 09:26 PM
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Keiuna Keiuna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Umm,..Do you love Jay ?
Yes! I'm definitely in love with her. Our relationship began a little strangely because for me it didn't start with a deep love. We started dating kind of for convenience and it took about a year or more for my love to actually develop. Five years later, our love continues to grow and strengthen.

Our love is different than any other loves that I've had, but I think that's what makes it work. I can honestly say that I love Jay more now than ever before.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore
I would tell Jay that you've been thinking more about poly and that it occurred to you to wonder how she would feel if you approached this woman.
Yeah, I suppose this is something that I would be interested in pursuing eventually. I might as well bring it to the open while it's still in the early stages, rather than waiting to see if it develops into full fledged love before bringing it up with Jay. I just really don't want this to damage Jay's friendship with this other woman. Though I suppose it's less likely to damage it now when it's a relatively small matter.



Okay! I think it's decided then. I'm going to talk to Jay about this... after Valentines

Thanks to everyone for your advice and opinions. It's always easier to see solutions to other peoples issues than it is for your own I'll keep you all posted on how things go. Hopefully everything will work out! *fingers crossed and wishing on a star*

Namaste,
Una
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Old 02-09-2012, 09:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WonderingAbout
This is absolute WIN!!
Aww thanks hun! You can get virtual hugs from me any day!
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:10 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I have a question, as you say Jay and this other woman both live in the same city 4+ hours away. Are you planning on living in the same city at any point soon? If not, how do you reasonably think you can manage two long distant relationships when time is finite? Even if Jay is no longer jealous because you are now poly and not monogamous, would dating this other woman cut into the time you have to spend together? Would you expect that you'd all hang out together a lot of the time because you're only in town for a short time? If they come and visit you, and they only have weekends free, would you have to alternate in order to accommodate two long distance loves? If so do you think that will benefit your relationship with Jay or cause it hardship?

As ordinarily in your case, people seem to focus their energy on finding partners who ARE local when current partners aren't close by, I am curious about this.

edit: I just reread your post and see you are planning on moving out there, sorry to miss that in the first place. Yes though, I would probably bring it up to Jay to talk to her about it too, if she is OK with you dating people but not her friend, that will make for some interesting conversation and probably a lot of insight into things. I probably would not attempt trying to date the other person until you moved out there though, if any of the questions above led me to feel that my relationship with Jay was going to be negatively impacted by time issues.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 02-10-2012 at 12:21 AM.
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Old 02-10-2012, 09:10 AM
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Keiuna Keiuna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Are you planning on living in the same city at any point soon? If not, how do you reasonably think you can manage two long distant relationships when time is finite?...

...Yes though, I would probably bring it up to Jay to talk to her about it too, if she is OK with you dating people but not her friend, that will make for some interesting conversation and probably a lot of insight into things.
I wasn't thinking of pursuing this until I made the move there. I completely agree that it would only take away time and energy for my current relationship which isn't my aim. However, I'm going to definitely talk to Jay before going there. I figure the sooner I get this in the open the better.

I'm really excited/nervous to see how this pans out. We've talked about having other relationships before, but it's always kind of been an abstract concept. This time it will actually be tangible. Needless to say it will bring a lot of ideas and good conversations into the light.
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