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  #71  
Old 12-17-2010, 09:11 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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LOL! I know we're supposed to take a break when we get sore, but when you're working with a deadline, what are you going to do?

Merry Christmas, to you too, LR!
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  #72  
Old 12-17-2010, 10:42 PM
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I got Spicy Pea's new baby's blanket done (that was odd to type out).
Just wait 'til you start signing cards from Grandma
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  #73  
Old 12-21-2010, 07:08 PM
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I think our family Solstice celebration went well. I was so happy to have everyone under one roof! We had a wonderful turkey and lumpy mashed potatoes (just the way I like them!) and roast asparagus. Moose was stealing the asparagus right off the platter, which makes a mom feel good. Asha and Sunday gave me a wonderful, awesome, beautiful ring that makes my heart go pitter-pat. I doubt that the presents we bought them were near so perfect. I had a hard time letting go of the worry that they didn't like theirs as much as I liked mine. I made skeleton aprons and jingle-bell necklaces for Ocean and Rockstar, plus regular gifts of course. Rockstar wore through the yarn of the (crocheted) necklace twice! So I brought it home and supplemented the yarn with some chain mail. We'll see how that works!

I was super-stressed the whole night, because Easy's mother had called and reminded us of some money we owed her and accused us of having spent the kids' Christmas money on ourselves, plus Easy's dad's Christmas card this year came addressed only to Easy. It said on the front, "Son, so proud of you". It's fine and happy-making for Easy's dad to be proud of him, but it's one more in a long line of little digs about how he hates me and the kids. I don't get it, I can't stand it, and I'm getting stressed out just writing about it so I guess I'll stop. Anyway, I've been feeling like a suck parent because I didn't put enough money away for Christmas, and we owe Easy's mom money, and if I weren't a stay-at-home mom we'd at least have the extra paycheck. Asha pointed out that if I worked, our kids wouldn't have the opportunities that they have now, and we had a long talk which made me feel marginally better. I kind of feel like there is no good solution here. But I'm trying to reconcile myself to the lack of wrapped items under the tree and tell myself that my kids have everything they need, which is true, but at Christmas I want to make all of their wishes come true, you know? Really, I ought to be out wrapping things and finishing making more presents, (like skeleton aprons for Moose and Monkey, and a crocheted Cthulu balaclava for Moose. I finished the eyeball dice pouch for Monkey last night, and I'm relieved that it turned out decent because I didn't really like the way it looked.)

I have a tradition. Normally I hand-make Solstice gifts for my family, so that I don't strain the budget and also to, I don't know, maybe remind them that sometimes the best gifts are little ones? To help remind us that it's not necessary to fall for the trap of buying a lot of commercial gifts? But when I became polyamorous my gift list went from 3 to 7 presents, which was killing me, so I didn't make gifts for the adults this year. Well, it turned out that I didn't hand-make Solstice gifts for Sunday and Asha, because last night I whipped out a crocheted gift for Easy while waiting for him to get home from work. Now I feel like a real yutz because I don't have those gifts for Asha and Sunday. I have half a dozen unfinished projects for Asha that I could try to finish, but I have NO IDEA what to make for Sunday. He wouldn't even tell me what he wanted for Christmas, so I had to guess.

Ugh. I'm rambling so that I don't have to go out and wrap gifts and sew and crochet. I'd better get off the computer.
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  #74  
Old 12-21-2010, 08:04 PM
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I was super-stressed the whole night, because Easy's mother had called and reminded us of some money we owed her and accused us of having spent the kids' Christmas money on ourselves plus Easy's dad's Christmas card this year came addressed only to Easy. It said on the front, "Son, so proud of you". It's fine and happy-making for Easy's dad to be proud of him, but it's one more in a long line of little digs about how he hates me and the kids.
Easy needs to stand up to his parents in support of you and if they can't be nice all contact needs to be cut off, including returning mail unopened (just my personal opinion). On the opposite end, you will be much happier if you can learn to let it go. These people have some serious issues and it really has nothing to do with you. Some parents have a hard time letting their children live their own lives and will take it out on the most convenient target.

I totally sympathize with you on the money issue and Christmas presents. We are barley able to keep our head above water this year and it sucks. I tell the kids the truth and do my best to explain the situation, believe it or not, they are far more understanding that we give them credit for sometimes. Don't be so hard on yourself, it is what it is.
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  #75  
Old 01-26-2011, 04:56 AM
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I'm alive. I'm having some medical problems which leave me achy and tired and irritable (seems like all of the time). It's tough for me to tell people how awful I feel. I'm trying to keep moving like normal.

I think things are going just fine with the quad. We're talking about moving in together, though I'm frankly terrified. Asha has a very strong personality and I'm scared that I'll get lost. Also, Asha and Sunday are significantly more wealthy than we are and we would have a tough time contributing an equal share. She talks about how much easier life would be if we split one mortgage, but the payment would be the same for us because the house would be bigger. I don't think she realizes yet just how "on the edge" our finances are. Sometimes I feel ashamed because I never went to college and I have no earning potential.

I've been exploring BDSM and I think I'm a service-oriented sub. I feel intimidated because Easy and Asha click so easily, while he seems terrified to do anything with me, especially since I seem to get more satisfaction out of a more D/s type relationship. It's been suggested that he can never be my dom because I control so much of our normal lives. I'm stinging from that, because I control so much of our normal lives because for so many years *he wasn't there*. I took care of our lives while he worked, while he played, while he went out and did what he wanted to. I was the responsible one, so why do I have to feel like an emasculating nag for making sure that my kids' lives didn't go to pieces? I don't want to be in control all of the time, I never wanted to. This feels like one more way he can abandon me.

Easy says to ignore that, of course. I know he feels terrible for the years that he didn't help. I *know that*. I'm just stinging, and it doesn't matter and I shouldn't let it get to me. I'm seriously afraid that he doesn't want to be my dominant and he's just humoring me until I get tired and go away. I'm having a hard time learning to trust what he says.

It was also suggested that Asha is his place to go to get away from me. Wow that made me feel unloved. I don't think that's what was meant, but it hurt, and it certainly doesn't help to stop my tendency to want to walk away.

Tomorrow I go in for a biopsy. I'm not entirely clear what they're looking for. A lot of words have been thrown at me to explain why I've been in pain for so long, but it seems like endometriosis is the most likely (in my mind). I begged for pain relief for two weeks before I went to a different doctor, and now he's worried that there's something wrong with my gall bladder, too. I'm (sigh) cranky and sore and tired.
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  #76  
Old 01-26-2011, 05:28 AM
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Also, Asha and Sunday are significantly more wealthy than we are and we would have a tough time contributing an equal share. She talks about how much easier life would be if we split one mortgage, but the payment would be the same for us because the house would be bigger. I don't think she realizes yet just how "on the edge" our finances are.
So, don't make it equal. Treat it like a partnership; in fact it wouldn't be a bad idea to form a legal partnership. Each party would contribute proportionately based on their income.

My prayers are with you on your biopsy tomorrow. Hopefully they can isolate the problem and fix it.
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  #77  
Old 01-27-2011, 01:47 AM
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Keeping you in my thoughts!

I'm all for the putting in based on % of income equality instead of precise $ equality.

It tends to work out better that way.
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  #78  
Old 02-03-2011, 05:27 PM
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The biopsy came back normal, so no uterine cancer that we know of. I'm a little irritated that that doctor can't seem to share information with me unless I pull it out of him with pliers. Frankly, my experience has been that doctors who won't share information with you sooner or later end up hurting you. My ob nearly killed me, my son's pediatrician nearly killed him, so I think this doctor and I will be parting ways. Even if I weren't getting a bad feeling about this, I don't feel comfortable talking to him about my sexual partners when I'm sitting in the office with a Holy Bible. Yes, my gynecologist has a bible in the examination room. Since I'm Pagan, and I'm married with multiple partners, I feel uncomfortable. Maybe he's not judgmental, but I'm just not comfortable and I'm not willing to go through the firestorm that will ensue if he *is* judgmental. I hate living in this hugely biased city sometimes.

The ultrasound of my gall bladder came back as "unremarkable", so that's good too. I'm still in pain, but I guess I get to live with it.

I just found out that my aunt, who died a year ago, tried to turn me in to CPS for homeschooling. I'm so shocked and hurt that I pretty much want to cut off my entire family, which I know isn't fair, but how can I trust them? My mother raised me to believe that, no matter how much you fight with your family, you band together to protect each other from outside forces. Now I find out that my own aunt tried to stab me in the back. What's next? My religion? My husband's ethnic background? I don't even know what would happen if they found out I was polyamorous. It makes me even angrier because I know that these same people, who are judged acceptable, have lied and cheated on their partners and been cruel to their own children and cruel to others and lived lives that hurt other people, but I'm not acceptable because I live differently than they do, even though I do my best to be kind and bring happiness to others? I'm so angry and hurt.
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  #79  
Old 02-03-2011, 07:24 PM
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Even if I weren't getting a bad feeling about this, I don't feel comfortable talking to him about my sexual partners when I'm sitting in the office with a Holy Bible. Yes, my gynecologist has a bible in the examination room.
This is absolutely bad form. The desk of his office is one thing, but not an examination room.

Glad to hear the biopsy didn't show anything, but sucks that they still don't know what is wrong, and therefore can't fix it.
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Old 02-04-2011, 02:08 AM
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Actually, I tried to be understanding, because all of our hospitals are pretty much Catholic here and I live in a city that's intolerant of anything not Christian, but I've come to the conclusion that I'm just too worried about whether he'll judge me a "sinner" and give me substandard care to really trust him. And I do have very bad experiences trusting doctors who didn't take care of me or my family.

Plus, the reality is that the last time I was in the office alone, I was in too much pain to think straight because I'd been suffering for weeks and he had refused to prescribe anything for the pain. They had me in tears because they wanted me to sign a form that said I'd been informed of the risks and side-effects of the test they were going to perform and the treatment they were going to give, and I wouldn't sign it because of course no one had told me anything.

So the nurse gave me a blank look and said, "So do you want to wait to sign it until after you talk to the doctor?"

And the doctor told me that there weren't any risks or side-effects, which is a flat-out lie because *everything* has risks. I was in so much pain and I just wanted it to stop! But I kept asking them what they were giving me and they kept giving me vague answers like, "Oh, this will stop the pain" or "It's to treat you". It was a nightmare. I later found out they had given me a blood thinner, but darned if I can tell you why. I haven't found any reason for it on any website so far.

I hate changing doctors. But my ob was just like this...I had pre-eclampsia and she never said a word to me. I didn't find out about it until I had my second child, and I had the records switched to a midwife...and right there, in my chart, she had written at the bottom "pre-eclampsia". I only knew that my blood pressure was high. I could have died. The baby could have died. As it was, my son was in and out of the hospital for his first six months, and he had four surgeries during that time. I learned that you just can't blindly trust a doctor to have your best interests in mind.
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