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  #61  
Old 11-22-2010, 06:18 PM
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Better this week. Saturday was Asha's 40th birthday, so we went to a potluck at her house. There were lots of people there, and I was still having trouble with depression, so it was tough on me. I did manage to force myself to be friendly and social, eventually. Strangely, Sunday actually stroked my back a little bit, which I found enormously comforting. I sent him an e-mail yesterday telling him how much that meant to me, I hope I didn't scare him off.

Asha confided in us that her closest friend had caused some drama with her kids, and she was at a loss about what to do. She said that this friend was the closest thing her kids had to family, which hurts every time she says it. Easy pointed out that we're family, too, and Asha said that we're "newcomers" since we've only been around a few years. Sigh. Okay, we've only been in a relationship for a couple of years, we've only been around in a big capacity for about three years...Rockstar is five, and Ocean is 9. I have pictures from Ocean's birthday party in 2006, so that means we were at least acquaintances four years ago. I think I remember attending Rockstar's first birthday party. When do we count? Am I missing the point? I have a huge family, most of whom I never see or talk to. Asha and I both lost aunts in the last year...does mine count less because I have six aunts left and she has none? I'm not raging here, I'm looking for perspective. Do I feel the pain less because I have more? I don't understand why we have to keep toxic people in our lives because she doesn't feel like she has enough family for her kids. I really, really don't get it, and I feel like I can't be supportive if I don't understand this.

Both of my children chose to be at Asha's party, and I think they both behaved very well. Moose actually came and comforted me when I was having the most difficulty fighting off the depression--kind of a wake-up call, because I hadn't been aware that I was being that transparent. I was happy that Moose was so well-behaved, because of course there are no other teenagers there for him to hang out with. I've always had the oldest kids and it's been hardest for Moose. Lesson learned--don't have your kids young, apparently. So Moose isn't quite old enough to really hang with the adults (we're boring), and too old for the kids, and dealt with it well. I'm always thrilled when my polyfamily can all gather under one roof and there are no explosions. (Except when Monkey wasn't sharing the Wii, but we talked to her about that.)

I also had a brief moment that seems tiny right now, but made me want to cry when it happened...I was sitting next to Asha at the table, and I can't remember what we were doing, but her hand was next to mine and I brushed up against hers. She pushed her hand into mine and maintained the contact, and I felt so comforted. Physical contact means so much to me, and I can't even figure out why. Just that tiny bit of intentional contact was so important.

I've been better since then, more functional.
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  #62  
Old 11-22-2010, 06:22 PM
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I must be feeling better...I have the worst urge to say, "Well, since no one ever responds to me I'm going to leave the board. Good-bye, cruel world!" which is totally sarcastic and not true, just me entertaining myself. I have a weird sense of humor. But since I'm feeling mischievous and silly, I must be coming out of the funk, right?
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  #63  
Old 11-22-2010, 11:03 PM
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Glad to read you're feeling more upbeat now get out on the dancefloor and boogie :P
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  #64  
Old 11-23-2010, 07:04 PM
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I can be a real idiot sometimes. I admit, I haven't evolved into a ball of pure light, and it doesn't look like that development is on the horizon anytime soon.

I apologize to everyone and to my partners most especially if I've done them a disservice in this blog thread. I tried to make sure that I didn't say anything I wouldn't say to their faces, but it looks like I failed at what I was attempting.

Please be assured, my partners are all wonderful people, whether or not I agree with everything they say or do. They work to be what I need them to be, and to communicate what they need from me. I'm afraid that I may have made Asha and Easy come off as selfish and uncaring of my needs, and that couldn't be farther from the truth. If I make it seem like everyone worships Asha and I'm left in the cold, well, that's probably a part my fear, and a part of me feeling very strongly for her. The fear says, "Why shouldn't everyone love Asha? She's everything I would want to be." I love and admire her very much, and it's not her fault that I'm frightened that I'm not worthy.

I can be selfish, and petty, and insecure, and very self-pitying when I'm in a funk, which is why I try not to post anymore when I'm like that. I have hormonal problems which mean that I deal with it more often than I should, and I grew up constantly hearing how I wasn't good enough and no one would ever love me, which is not an excuse but maybe an explanation.

I also need to say that my partners do communicate with me, when I can get up the courage to talk to them. I, and my relationships, are a constantly evolving work-in-progress, and I promise that I do work on it all as often as I'm able. I'm trying to make sure that I hold myself accountable for my own actions, which is maybe why it seems like I try to avoid placing responsibility on my partners' shoulders.

I feel like I'm digging myself a hole, LOL. Just please be assured that, 1) I love my partners, and I feel that they are good people who are interested in seeing that I am happy and whole, 2) I do communicate, sooner or later, when I say that I have a problem in this blog; if I don't communicate, then I have determined that the problem is mine and I'll deal with it in myself, 3) Easy and I work on our marriage and try to make sure that it's healthy, but sometimes we have difficulty because of 20 years of ingrained habits; Easy has made sure to tell me that I am his priority, and he will preserve the marriage (and our family) above anything else, and 4) We are all working on what we perceive to be our problems in order to preserve our relationships; we have all stated that we would like our quad to be around for the long haul.

Asha once said that one thing she loved about me was that when I perceived a problem with myself, I set out immediately to fix it with my whole heart. I'm working on this, too.
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  #65  
Old 11-23-2010, 09:21 PM
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I can be a real idiot sometimes. .
Me too!!! It's good to know you are not alone
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  #66  
Old 11-24-2010, 12:39 AM
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"I can be selfish, and petty, and insecure, and very self-pitying when I'm in a funk..."

What? That's not just a Me thing? Is it wrong to be pleased to know this?

"I also need to say that my partners do communicate with me, when I can get up the courage to talk to them..."

I feel you. It's too easy to wallow in fear. Every once in awhile my husband will say something to me like, "There's no good reason to hide your thoughts and feelings. The relationship will stand or fall, but it will definitely fall if you can't communicate honestly and be yourself." I remember this now when I need that courage, and sometimes the courageous act of opening up will prevent that funky downward spiral. I'm sort of ashamed to admit it... I like to think I'm strong enough to control it without "breaking down" enough to have to talk. Thankfully my OSO grins when I hit that point. He recognizes the pattern now and is responsive, even though he probably secretly believes it's all estrogen related I'll take the grace however it comes. Lord knows we all need it. This s_it isn't easy!
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  #67  
Old 12-05-2010, 06:15 PM
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Oh, boy, so much going on. Monkey is performing all of the time--she's in ballet, marching band, and choir, so we have parades, concerts, choir performances, The Nutcracker, rehearsals, and promotions to attend. It's crazy making. Then we have Moose's Winter Fine Arts night, which is mandatory for his school, and all of the other children in our extended family have performances as well. Easy works nights, so I'm the driver/attender for everything. I used to think the bumper sticker, "Mom's Taxi" was cute, but now it's just annoying.

Thanksgiving was fine. My small family went to visit Easy's parents, with the unpleasant addition of his half-sister, who I can get along with but who irritates me greatly. I behaved. After we got home, we went to a friend's house and met up with Sunday and Asha and their family. That was much more relaxing. I'm glad I didn't have to hang out with my family, because I was in trouble. I had kind of sort of opened my mouth during a discussion about politics, and then a following one about religion. How did I turn out so different from the rest of my family? I tried to be kind when I pointed out that Christianity isn't the only religion. I didn't even address atheism, the conversation went south so quickly.

The following weekend, we went to Sunday and Asha's house to help move furniture and put up Christmas decorations. Moose stayed home. Asha had purchased a sectional sofa so that we could all fit on the furniture. It's very nice, she has great taste. We all had hot chocolate and egg nog, and later on we watched movies. I got to see Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, which if anyone had told me that 1)it's Joss Whedon and 2)Nathan Fillion is in it, I would have immediately ordered it from Netflix and watched it six months ago. Dude. I adored it, but in typical Joss Whedon style, he made me cry. Why does he keep doing that?

This weekend Asha is sick, so we're going our own way. It's okay because yesterday Monkey had a performance at the local children's museum for her ballet school almost all day, then she had a parade with marching band, so we were overscheduled as usual. Today she has another rehearsal. So we probably wouldn't have had a lot of time together. Next weekend's going to be crazy, too, so I don't know how it's going to go. I'm going to breathe a sigh of relief when winter break starts and all of the activities let up.

Anyway, poor Easy is over here moaning about spending some time with me and how long this "marathon post" is, so I guess I'd better go. :P
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  #68  
Old 12-05-2010, 06:49 PM
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I'm glad I didn't have to hang out with my family, because I was in trouble. I had kind of sort of opened my mouth during a discussion about politics, and then a following one about religion. How did I turn out so different from the rest of my family? I tried to be kind when I pointed out that Christianity isn't the only religion. I didn't even address atheism, the conversation went south so quickly.
When I go to my mother-in-laws, I litterally tell my sister-in-law to stop me when I start to argue with my MIL, so not worth it.

While on the most basic level, my family and I are the same religion (Chrisitian), it's all I can do to hold my tounge just to avoid the drama. Both my brother and I have pretty much followed the same path, which my mother would condisder just shy of blasphamous. I get so irritated at their hateful, arrogant views, I go home highly aggitated. I once told her that our(my brother and I) re-evaluation of religion was all her and my dad's fault. The look on her face was priceless. I told her that they taught us to think for ourselves and never take any preachers teachings as absolute without doing our own research. She just thought she was protecting us from cult leaders and anyone who didn't believe the same way she did, it never occured to her that we would question her beliefs as well.
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  #69  
Old 12-17-2010, 08:38 PM
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Wow, time sure flies when you're insanely busy. My cousin made me cry...I posted earlier that I was in trouble for talking religion and politics. Even though she was mad about my rocking the boat, she had heard me mentioning that I was having trouble with my nails splitting and peeling, and she gave me a nail care kit, in a beautiful bag. It would have been just as easy for her to keep it or give it to someone else, I never would have know. It's nice to know that *someone* in my family is not genetically malicious. (I should point out that a different cousin sabotaged my wedding video, which she was taking, simply because she got married the same year and I think she wanted her wedding to be the best.) Which has nothing to do with polyamory, so I'm sorry I'm going off on a tangent again.

Last weekend was crazy, actually the last two weeks have been crazy with performances and parties and presents to be made. We managed to go out to dinner with Asha and Sunday and the kids. Easy spent some time trying to convince Rockstar that he couldn't lay down in his chair because he'd trip the waiter, and Trip a Waiter Day was the previous day. We even got Ocean to agree. Asha sat next to Easy, and I sat next to Sunday. Sunday was actually a little affectionate! All I need is a bit of touch, so I know that it doesn't seem like much, but he let his leg rest against mine and didn't jump away like he was scalded. I was happy. He also touched my shoulder a couple of times. Dare I hope that this heralds a new era of me not having to feel like a predator every time I touch him?

Tomorrow we get together for our polyfamily holiday. I'm excited for my kids to get their presents because I think they'll be excited, and I know that this year is a little lean for us. I want them to be happy. I'm worried that they'll feel let down when Christmas comes and they don't have as many presents as previous years. I'm thinking fondly of the time when I worked and there were dozens of presents. It's hard to remember that there are other benefits to being a stay-at-home mom when there are only a few presents under the tree. I planned poorly this year. I don't exactly know what I was thinking, but I certainly didn't put enough money aside. I'll tell myself that it's the first year that I actually held myself to a budget and that in previous years I simply spent money that we didn't have, which may be true.

I should be finishing making gifts for the kids, but I hurt. I woke up this morning and everything hurt, and I can't make myself do anything. I made myself a cup of instant coffee, and that's it. I need to get going because I've got presents to wrap and things to sew and crochet. A pain pill took the edge off, but didn't completely remove the pain. I should be trying to power through it, but...well, for better or for worse, I haven't yet.
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  #70  
Old 12-17-2010, 08:51 PM
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God my hands and wrists are burning! I hear you on that!

I got Spicy Pea's new baby's blanket done (that was odd to type out). I also got Sweet Pea's re-made blanket done. Then I finished a second one for the new baby-WHEW and started on hats and scarves!
I got a hat/scarf set for Spicy Pea done, and a hat for Sour Pea. Gotta finish up the rest this week.
EEK EEK EEK!

Merry Christmas Lemon!
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