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  #51  
Old 10-19-2010, 05:22 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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If he had a hard time handling NRE but is getting over it, hang in there. My OSO also had a hard time and almost ended our foursome. While he was all angsty about control in his marriage, I was sitting on the sidelines silently screaming, "Hey, dumbass, I am head over heels for you!"

You know him. Does your gut tell you he was being sincere when he told you he loves you? Circumstances may whisper otherwise, but sometimes we have to stand firm in what we don't "see."
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  #52  
Old 10-19-2010, 05:42 PM
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Wow, a lot of great replies! I am feeling much better today, and have taken some of the suggestions that I saw.

@SNeaCail--I like your suggestion about e-mails. I sent one today, just telling him I thought he was doing a great job planning an anniversary thing for Asha. It made me feel more at peace.

@LR--hugs back. I like your suggestion about taking an arm, I think I will try to see if there is just *one* action that Sunday would be okay with me doing in public. He's usually okay with hugs, but I can't just walk up and hug him whenever I want, without it looking odd. If I can get him to just let me touch his arm, for example, I think that would help me.

@Ariakas--I get what you're saying, and I'll definitely keep it in mind. But Sunday and I haven't had a sexual relationship for a year, so I can't imagine that he feels pressured to have sex with me when I flirt. Can he? I don't really flirt an awful lot, just within my foursome.

@Jade--The conclusion I've come to is, I don't really trust my gut. I am *telling* myself to trust what he says, it doesn't come naturally. But I'm working on taking deep breaths and believing what my loved ones say, and not trying to second guess based on how I see them behaving.

On contemplation, things are better now between us than they were a month ago. I'm still frustrated, but I think working on believing what he says and more *patience* (sigh) and just accepting things as they are will help.

Last edited by Lemondrop; 10-19-2010 at 05:43 PM. Reason: skipped a word. :)
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  #53  
Old 10-19-2010, 06:08 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
Wow, a lot of great replies! I am feeling much better today, and have taken some of the suggestions that I saw.

@SNeaCail--I like your suggestion about e-mails. I sent one today, just telling him I thought he was doing a great job planning an anniversary thing for Asha. It made me feel more at peace.

@LR--hugs back. I like your suggestion about taking an arm, I think I will try to see if there is just *one* action that Sunday would be okay with me doing in public. He's usually okay with hugs, but I can't just walk up and hug him whenever I want, without it looking odd. If I can get him to just let me touch his arm, for example, I think that would help me.

@Ariakas--I get what you're saying, and I'll definitely keep it in mind. But Sunday and I haven't had a sexual relationship for a year, so I can't imagine that he feels pressured to have sex with me when I flirt. Can he? I don't really flirt an awful lot, just within my foursome.

@Jade--The conclusion I've come to is, I don't really trust my gut. I am *telling* myself to trust what he says, it doesn't come naturally. But I'm working on taking deep breaths and believing what my loved ones say, and not trying to second guess based on how I see them behaving.

On contemplation, things are better now between us than they were a month ago. I'm still frustrated, but I think working on believing what he says and more *patience* (sigh) and just accepting things as they are will help.
Personally, you sound like the strongest one in the group. The others are getting their needs met more freely from the sound of it while you are struggling to find your own and yet, you're still putting in the work. It makes me wonder if the others would have the same fortitude if they were in your shoes.
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  #54  
Old 10-19-2010, 11:03 PM
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Personally, you sound like the strongest one in the group. The others are getting their needs met more freely from the sound of it while you are struggling to find your own and yet, you're still putting in the work. It makes me wonder if the others would have the same fortitude if they were in your shoes.
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  #55  
Old 10-26-2010, 05:01 PM
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Thank you. I'm honestly a little stunned by the idea that I could be a strong person--I feel weak and whiny.

I'm having some computer problems this week, so I was forced to steal Moose's computer. This weekend was a fabulous one for my little family. We had a birthday get-together for Sunday, and the next day we drove *forever* to help with a horse rescue. And Moose came along for all of it! He wasn't pleasant all day long, but he was pleasant enough for most of the time, and he self-regulated his temper. The only time he actually lost his temper was when someone else was rude to Rockstar. Moose jumped to the defense of Asha's baby! It was so hard for me to be a good parent and discourage the angry behavior when inside I was jumping for joy that my Moose seemed to be treating Rockstar like his family.

At the horse rescue, Moose jumped in and helped build fencing with his father and with Sunday. It was so good to see him bonding and being a part of the family. It feels like I've been holding my breath and now I finally get to breathe, though cautiously.

This upcoming weekend is going to be insane. We've been planning a tenth anniversary party for Asha and Sunday, and then of course there are all of the other things that people with children do on Halloween weekend.
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  #56  
Old 11-06-2010, 02:45 AM
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We've been having a tough time lately. Last Friday was Asha's mother's birthday; Asha's mother passed away a little over 5 years ago. We didn't call her to check on her, and she was upset. Then I was upset that she didn't call if she needed to talk. Then Saturday we celebrated her anniversary with Sunday, and afterward Easy and I went to a party, assuming that she and Sunday had plans. But Asha wanted to go to the party with us, and got upset that we didn't invite her along--which of course she would have been more than welcome! So Halloween we had a fair amount of angry dialogue. We did get to take the kids out trick or treating, which was fun! We went in a large group that kept separating and going different directions, until finally, Monkey and Ocean had ditched us and there was a group of five adults with Rockstar. It was interesting to trick or treat with such a large group following around one little kid.

Everyone's been sick all week, including me, so I haven't seen anyone or done anything, and I'm feeling isolated.

Last Friday, we finally got Sunday to a munch for the local BDSM support group. I think it went well, but during the munch, Easy was holding and touching Asha, and so was Sunday. I was watching them, and suddenly I thought, This group is going to find out that I'm the only one that no one wants. It kind of came out of the blue, but it's been giving me trouble ever since, and tonight it's really bad. This group is the only place we're "out", and Sunday only touches me to hug me and kiss me when we say goodbye. Asha doesn't touch me either. I feel silly, but I can't seem to get over the absolute fear that everyone is going to realize that I'm unwanted.

Then Asha went to a meeting last night that I couldn't attend--if I hadn't felt like I was dying, I still had a school function I should have gone to--and suddenly I felt like I wasn't needed anymore. My goal was to get everyone involved so they could get their needs met, so Asha going without me was a good thing and completely normal, but now I feel like a total outcast.

I'm having a tough night, and this fear is unexpected. I don't know how to deal with it--it seems pretty irrational to be afraid that a group of acquaintances will think you're tainted because someone doesn't touch you in public. I can't really call anyone to talk because, really, I'm not out to a lot of people, and I've lost my voice. So here I am.
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  #57  
Old 11-06-2010, 04:41 AM
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Sorrry its been such a rough week and you're struggling tonight as well.

We've had a lot of drama ourselves.

I'm thinking about you!
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  #58  
Old 11-07-2010, 03:15 PM
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Thanks, LR. I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.

Not much time for the big family this weekend, so we got together for dinner at a restaurant last night. The kids were all snippy and tired, and the restaurant was loud and I have no voice, but all in all I think we had a good time. I put a lot of value in doing things as a family, so I was glad we at least had time for this. Sunday goes out of town for a week today, so Asha isn't looking forward to being alone. This is a tough week for me to spend a lot of time at her place, because it contains Monkey's birthday and a day trip out of town, but I'll try to show some support. She did say that she'd appreciate it if we could find time for her. Next weekend is her big surprise 40th birthday trip, which I hope to heaven goes well. Well, I don't know if she'd consider it a "big" trip, but it's a big deal for us. Thank goodness we put some money aside for this, or we would never have been able to afford it. It's also incredibly lucky that scheduling forced us to go a week before her actual birthday, because her father decided he would come visit for her birthday and we wouldn't have been able to go.

Monkey has decided that she doesn't want to do a big party for her birthday, which is a good thing considering that she's changed her mind so many times that I have nothing planned. At this point, it may be the weekend after Thanksgiving before I can get schedules to work out so she can have what she's actually asked for, which is to learn to play D&D with her closest friend. Who knew that trying to work out schedules for just two girls would be so hard? But it's Nutcracker season, and now that Monkey's en pointe she's learning new routines, and marching band is apparently a big time killer too. Monkey's friend doesn't have as many extra-curriculars, but she's the oldest child in a family of seven, so she has to work around everyone else's schedules, too. It's funny how having four adults to four kids actually makes life a little easier than two adults to five kids.

A member of our sub group asked Asha if we could come over as a poly family some time and watch movies--all eight of us. It's nice to be able to do things openly, but I hadn't considered yet whether I would be introducing the people I met through this group to my children. I like this other person just fine, so there's no concern there. I guess I was more afraid of what CPS might say if someone got nasty enough to call them on us. I was thinking that I could say, "There's absolutely no overlap, my children are not exposed to this." It's nonsense of course, because I wouldn't bring people into my life who would expose them to what I felt was inappropriate, but where we live, looking mainstream is everything. Do you look like a good parent? Then you've got nothing to fear. Do you look like a good parent but live an alternative lifestyle? Uh oh. We're already Pagan poly sex-positive Renaissance Festival ex-homeschoolers with a casual disregard for the established systems. I'm guessing that I'm going to follow Asha's lead in this, because honestly both of my kids are older and I think she's got more to lose than I do. I think if I'm accused of exposing my kids to inappropriate sexual ideas it's easier for me to say, "Uh, no I don't, just ask them" than it is if the kid is say, 5. (And at 16 with an internet connection on what seems like every device he owns, Moose keeps me hopping to make sure *he's* not exposing *himself* to inappropriate sexual material. Oh the talks we have had.)

I always ramble in these things, and I wonder if I'm writing anything that could possibly be of help to a polyfamily just embarking on their journey, but Daylight Savings Time has me up before the rest of the family so here we are.
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  #59  
Old 11-15-2010, 05:02 PM
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MariusdeRomanus MariusdeRomanus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
I always ramble in these things, and I wonder if I'm writing anything that could possibly be of help to a polyfamily just embarking on their journey, but Daylight Savings Time has me up before the rest of the family so here we are.
I just got done reading through this from beginning to present, so I find this sentence ironic. I'm in the beginnings of a polyfamily and I find it extremely helpful! There's seven of us, no children yet to speak of-- we're only in our early twenties and dreaming. Apart from that, none of us are legally married just yet; Company and I are the first, and that's not until December. Ariel and Vegeta will be right behind us though, as soon as gay marriage comes around.

I sympathize a lot with the left out feeling. You mentioned that it's there even if you walk away from the group to do something else and hear them all laughing-- I feel that way a lot, too. We have a "communal bedroom" since five of us live together in a two-bedroom apartment, and I get very cranky if I go to bed by myself because I have to get up early and everyone else is playing a videogame or watching a movie. Or worse yet, I'll get paranoid about what they're doing that I can't hear; we started off a little bumpy because we handled NRE badly, and we've come a long way in the last couple weeks, but it's hard for me not to attempt to be controlling about it. Unfortunately, I don't have much better advice than LR's. If you want to be involved, you have to insert yourself. I couple this with another similar fear of yours-- what if I don't belong and I'm just being annoying? But once I do it, I feel better, involved, and when I talk openly to all my partners about it, they give me the assurance I need.

I'm glad that things seem to be looking up for you though, that you get to do so much together all the time.
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  #60  
Old 11-18-2010, 09:05 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Late post this week, I've been fighting depression and needed some space.

Last weekend we all went away with another couple for Asha's birthday. We rented a cabin at some hot springs. It was very nice--there's nothing quite like sitting in a hot pool while your hair freezes into icicles. Really! I was already having trouble with the depression, though, so I was quiet and withdrawn. Plus, I've been sick for weeks and I'm just run down and tired. There was a moment where Asha and Sunday were on the couch, and I announced to him that I was going to sit down next to him, and if he objected he should say so. He kind of mumbled something, so I sat next to him and put my head on his shoulder. I couldn't help feeling how uncomfortable he was, but I was tired and didn't have the energy to care. This is pretty typical of our interactions--I try to cuddle up to him and he cringes. I have since realized that this hurts me more than normal because this is how Easy treated me for so many years of our marriage, and I'm sick of feeling like a monster if I just want some affection. Easy is working on not treating me this way--and just this week he seems to have had an epiphany, because he's drastically better. Maybe seeing me feel miserable about Sunday and seeing it from an outside perspective is helping him see how his behavior affects me.

Easy got very drunk--not really his fault as a friend who brews keeps giving him beer and mead that's higher in alcohol content than Easy is used to. In his inebriated state he sparked a conversation between the four of us about how awful I felt, how unwanted and undesirable. I don't really feel like anything got resolved--well, really, I think I was the only sober one, so surprise surprise. Easy let slip that he felt like he was a failure because he's not meeting Asha's needs. That kind of hurt, a little. I considered for a time whether they would all be better off without me--couldn't figure out how to do that without negatively impacting the kids' lives. I just don't know how to balance everything.

I figured I'd had enough and told Sunday that I needed more from him. He confessed that he's running away from me. Ouch. He said that he's scared that he'll lose Asha, so sometimes he does avoid me. I don't even know what to do with that information. I told him that I needed him to stop acting like I'm a sexual predator, and that I'm not asking for sex, all I want is to be able to cuddle. He pointed out that he tries to make sure to hug me when we say goodbye. I told him I needed more touch. Asha pointed out that it was likely that I had no idea how he felt about me, because he's not communicating. He told me that he loved me.

I told Asha that I'd been avoiding touching her because she had said that she needed space. She said that she'd been taking the space when she needed it, and that I could feel free to touch her. That may be the only good thing that came out of that conversation.

I haven't spoken to either since. They have a guest, and I haven't been able to reach them by phone. I tried to keep this update honest but not emotional. I have trouble with depression, and this has not been my easiest week. I'm remembering to breathe, and taking it one step at a time. I've been talking so much that I swear Easy's ears are bleeding. Today is better than the days before it, at least.
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