Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 10-04-2010, 05:18 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,571
Default

My husband's and my mother-in-laws allergies always get worse when they move to a new place. They need time to build a tollerance. I'm told a tsp of locally grown honey each day helps. I bought some, but husband too stubborn to use it , so I can't attest to it. Tastes good though.
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 10-04-2010, 08:32 PM
Lemondrop's Avatar
Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 305
Default

Thanks, I had heard that but totally forgot about it. He is religiously doing low-carb, so I'll see if I can talk him into some honey.
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 10-18-2010, 06:00 PM
Lemondrop's Avatar
Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 305
Default

What an interesting two weeks it's been.

Last weekend, we all spent the night at a friend's cabin, and we spent some time reconnecting. I thought it was great, even if later in the week I felt a twinge as I watched Sunday and Asha cuddling and wished that I could cuddle, too.

This weekend, we took the entire large family to a corn maze. It's an all-day event in an out-of-town location, with the eight of us packed into one car for hours on end. Considering the stress a trip like that can put on people, it was a really lovely trip! Even Moose was good all day long, allowing small children to climb all over him and keeping a generally good attitude the whole time. The only time we had a problem with his attitude was when I had to talk to him about playing too rough with his sister, and then he just took himself to the side until he was feeling less angry. I was so proud that he was being so mature. Monkey was a huge help with Rockstar, keeping an eye on him so the adults could finish lunch and going on rides with him. I enjoyed watching Asha and Monkey bonding--Monkey really looks up to Asha. Monkey snapped up the pumpkin that Asha picked out for her. Much fun was had by all, I think. I'm happy and hopeful that Moose can continue to feel more like a part of the large family, and stop keeping himself separate. He doesn't think that he needs the extra support, but I see it as a huge help for his future. Easy worked really hard this weekend to pay attention to me and to make sure I felt loved.

A downside to my weekend was that I continue to feel like I don't fit in this dynamic--Asha and Easy are so alike, and it usually feels like Sunday works hard not to have anything in common with me. Sunday and Asha belong together, I know, but sometimes I feel like Easy and Asha belong together, too. I also keep having dreams that no one wants me in the group. I don't feel like a part of the whole. I don't exactly know what to do about it or how to fix it.

I tried to flirt with Sunday a bit, only to be pushed away. I don't even know if he knows he's doing it. But I did have a few minutes of wondering why I even tried. I mean, I spent so many years of my marriage to Easy being pushed away. Putting up with it for so long damaged my self-esteem and made me want to walk out on the marriage. Why am I signing up for more of the same? I need to stop hitting my head on the brick wall, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself. Maybe I'm doing it because giving up on Sunday feels like giving up on the large family. Maybe I just desperately want to believe him when he tells me he loves me.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 10-18-2010, 06:36 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,571
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
A downside to my weekend was that I continue to feel like I don't fit in this dynamic--Asha and Easy are so alike, and it usually feels like Sunday works hard not to have anything in common with me. Sunday and Asha belong together, I know, but sometimes I feel like Easy and Asha belong together, too. I also keep having dreams that no one wants me in the group. I don't feel like a part of the whole. I don't exactly know what to do about it or how to fix it.
Have you talked to Sunday about this. He may be feeling the same and isn't quite sure how to deal with it either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
I tried to flirt with Sunday a bit, only to be pushed away. I don't even know if he knows he's doing it. But I did have a few minutes of wondering why I even tried. I mean, I spent so many years of my marriage to Easy being pushed away. Putting up with it for so long damaged my self-esteem and made me want to walk out on the marriage. Why am I signing up for more of the same? I need to stop hitting my head on the brick wall, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself. Maybe I'm doing it because giving up on Sunday feels like giving up on the large family. Maybe I just desperately want to believe him when he tells me he loves me.
He probably doesn't realize he is doing it. I would start by believing what he has told you. However, you may need to tell him very bluntly what you need, when and why. Sometimes being subtle just doesn't work, especially if he is wrapped up in his own insecurities. If you need to be held, just walk up to him and tell him "watching them is making me want to crawl in a hole, could you hold me for a while" or something like that. Now you have given him something to fix.
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 10-18-2010, 08:01 PM
Lemondrop's Avatar
Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 305
Default

Talks with Sunday are incredibly difficult. Before we became a quad, it was easier, but now it's more like he's trying to run away. I have no idea what to do. Our talks usually start out with me saying something like, I need to talk to you about X. He says okay. I talk and talk and talk. He says something like, no that's not what I intended or I'll try to do that. I walk away not really knowing what he wanted and feeling like he'd say anything to shut me up.

We both communicate better via e-mail, but getting him to reply to an e-mail is like pulling teeth, since we became a quad. I miss the days when I could actually talk to him.

Here's the thing with physical intimacy--he's terrified that someone will see him, so very little affection happens where we can be seen. Being private doesn't happen all that often, and usually it feels like he's trying *not* to be alone with me. Asha says that's normal for him. She must be much, much stronger than I am.

I'm trying very, very hard to trust what he says rather than what I'm seeing. It's not an easy thing for me, and I'm waaaaay past my comfort zone. I do keep pushing that limit, though--today is just a down day for me, I guess, and it feels harder. I hadn't realized how down I was. I think it's because I keep dreaming that no one wants me and it's wearing on me.
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 10-18-2010, 08:44 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,571
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
Talks with Sunday are incredibly difficult. Before we became a quad, it was easier, but now it's more like he's trying to run away. I have no idea what to do. Our talks usually start out with me saying something like, I need to talk to you about X. He says okay. I talk and talk and talk. He says something like, no that's not what I intended or I'll try to do that. I walk away not really knowing what he wanted and feeling like he'd say anything to shut me up.

We both communicate better via e-mail, but getting him to reply to an e-mail is like pulling teeth, since we became a quad. I miss the days when I could actually talk to him.
My husband zones out and only hears about the first two words I say (found this out in a counceling session). Just to get information out of him for an event we are both attending, I have to play 20 questions. I have gone to writing in a blog, just so I can keep him up todate on what I'm feeling. It has been working pretty good, although it might take him a couple days to formulate a question on something I wrote, he is reading it and processing the information, but at his speed. He is supposed to start one also, but has been putting it off.

I would say continue to e-mail, even if he doesn't reply, but remember to e-mail the good stuff too. Introverts don't do well with all negative information.

What does he say about the change in the way you guys communicate (or don't communicate)?
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 10-19-2010, 01:52 AM
Lemondrop's Avatar
Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 305
Default

Well, there's a reason he stopped communicating with me. He handled NRE poorly, and experienced a lot of marital problems because of it. He (rightly) took some time apart, and I agreed to back off while he figured things out. We've just never managed to regain that closeness. He doesn't seem to notice. Maybe I just imagined that we were that close. :/
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 10-19-2010, 03:22 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,272
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post

A downside to my weekend was that I continue to feel like I don't fit in this dynamic--Asha and Easy are so alike, and it usually feels like Sunday works hard not to have anything in common with me. Sunday and Asha belong together, I know, but sometimes I feel like Easy and Asha belong together, too. I also keep having dreams that no one wants me in the group. I don't feel like a part of the whole. I don't exactly know what to do about it or how to fix it.

I tried to flirt with Sunday a bit, only to be pushed away. I don't even know if he knows he's doing it. But I did have a few minutes of wondering why I even tried. I mean, I spent so many years of my marriage to Easy being pushed away. Putting up with it for so long damaged my self-esteem and made me want to walk out on the marriage. Why am I signing up for more of the same? I need to stop hitting my head on the brick wall, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself. Maybe I'm doing it because giving up on Sunday feels like giving up on the large family. Maybe I just desperately want to believe him when he tells me he loves me.
God-some days I SO FUCKING UNDERSTAND THIS!
WHY hit my head on the SAME DAMN BRICK WALL when it only seems to get harder with each hit (maybe my head is getting softer)?

I have no helpful answer-but I sympathise and offer hugs.

I am having some similar emotions and it's so disappointing!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 10-19-2010, 03:26 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,272
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
Here's the thing with physical intimacy--he's terrified that someone will see him, so very little affection happens where we can be seen. Being private doesn't happen all that often, and usually it feels like he's trying *not* to be alone with me. Asha says that's normal for him. She must be much, much stronger than I am.
I don't think it's that Asha is stronger than you. I don't know why-I just don't think that's true. I can't explain it-can't give you reasons or logical explanations either.....

GG used to worry about being seen. Made me NUTS NUTS NUTS. He still has moments-but we're working a step at a time. He's comfortable now with me holding his arm. That's something that I just insisted on and he's gotten used to it.
I kiss him on the cheek as well-but the deep, passionate kissing is reserved for the house still. One day-but not today.
BUT-having put in place the rule that I flat will NOT walk without holding an arm was one of the best moves I made. It helped that I walk that way with Maca-it just comes natural for him, his dad does it too. But that was the key to me feeling more comfortable in public becuase even if GG is feeling distant, that one link is there and so I can be sympathetic to his discomfort knowing that he's giving me that.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 10-19-2010, 04:52 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
God-some days I SO FUCKING UNDERSTAND THIS!
WHY hit my head on the SAME DAMN BRICK WALL when it only seems to get harder with each hit (maybe my head is getting softer)?

I have no helpful answer-but I sympathise and offer hugs.

I am having some similar emotions and it's so disappointing!
Here is a man hint (or two)......one possible answer, if a guy is refusing being flirted with, its because he has something bottled up that is overpowering the sex side. Sometimes there is something resentful or hidden that they just can't verbalize yet. Pushing or flirting becomes annoying

That or...everyone always assumes the guy will be "on"...that becomes a lot of stress...sometimes we aren't. It happens, honestly. But it is hard to say "sorry sweety *I* am not in the mood for sex"...because thats against the rules. Regardless of what you say, or how you mean it...that belief might be in our heads.

In both cases, accept it (wow thats harsh ). When girls have headaches or want to shower or whatever the reason, we aren't allowed to bash our heads against the wall. Its just accepted when a woman can say no...but its always a battle when the guys do it

Anyways, jsut putting the guys potential perspective potentially. I have been in both situations above.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:34 AM.