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  #91  
Old 02-24-2011, 01:40 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
It all turned out okay.


LR, as long as you are happy with what you are wearing, and are getting some much-needed self-love, then your nightdress and jogging socks are the most beautiful clothes in the world. I hope you're having a good getaway! Mmmm..peanut butter and strawberries....
I'm glad that it all turned out ok.

I had a great getaway. A much needed break, found some clarity, got my head straightened out a bit and am back on track with my life.

Don't know about everyone else, but at least I got me straight!
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  #92  
Old 02-25-2011, 09:09 PM
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The date didn't happen. We rescheduled for today, but it's snowing so he's going to take off work early so he can get home early, so no lunch.

I'm in an unhappy place, so I'm keeping my mouth shut and eating carbs. I held out for an entire morning. I'm not responding to other threads in the hopes that I won't spread unhappiness. But, I will satisfy my urge to say...I hate double standards, so I try very hard not to ask my partners to do anything that I wouldn't be willing or able to do. So, I know how hard it is to walk away from NRE in order to keep from hurting someone, from first-hand experience.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth upholding that standard, because it doesn't seem like it matters to anyone but me.
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  #93  
Old 02-27-2011, 09:08 PM
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Just got home from Asha and Sunday's house. I'm in a better place, but still unhappy. Asha is going on a trip for ten days starting next weekend, but Sunday made it clear that he intends to spend a lot of time alone while she's gone. Then, I found out that he's going skiing with someone else next Saturday. I think we're going to have to have a talk which he will find unhappy, but first I need to do some thinking. I just don't even know what to think.

He gave me a Valentine's Day present, and it was really cute. The card was wonderful, and I thought it really spoke to the qualities I like about myself. But now I kind of wonder if I'm kidding myself.

Asha and I kind of argued a bit. She wants us to go on a 7-day rafting trip that she has planned, and I don't really want to. She argued that I couldn't possibly know whether I'd like it if I've never done it before, and I argued that I've camped, and I've slept on the ground, and the only thing I haven't done is raft. I don't enjoy rough camping, having to haul a latrine with me and sleep on the ground. I really hate being cold at night. I get stiff and I hurt and I don't enjoy it. She used the word "dealbreaker" if we can't ever have vacations together doing things that I hate. I'm not thrilled that I have to feel emotionally blackmailed--do something I don't like, or lose my relationship. I do go camping with her, at campgrounds, in a tent where there are restroom facilities available, and I would probably do something I hated to make her happy for a few days, but seven days seems like pure hell to me. I argued that we don't have a lot of extra money to spend on things that make us unhappy; she said that it wasn't very expensive, all we would have to provide would be food for ourselves. I pointed out that *every* dollar we spend is a lot of money for us, and wasting $50 on food for a week during something I don't like is $50 spent on unhappiness, even if we had to eat anyway.

I don't know. I do a lot of things to make other people happy. I hate feeling like I can't just be myself and do things that *do* make me happy.

We "revealed" ourselves to a couple more friends this weekend, and they said they "had their suspicions". We were flabbergasted. We've been a quad for two years, and we haven't been overly secretive. These are friends we see all of the time, and they are good friends with other people who know about us. Weirdness.
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  #94  
Old 03-01-2011, 04:30 AM
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So, sometimes when I talk to Asha she talks over me. I've actually seen discussions on how certain areas of the country and certain cultures find this normal and acceptable, so I'm not really upset by it, but it makes it difficult for me to communicate with her face-to-face because I was taught that interrupting or talking over someone is rude, and I just can't make myself do it. So in order to communicate the more difficult items I usually e-mail. This is also more effective for me because I sometimes panic when I have to say difficult things in person, and also because it gives me a chance to rethink what I'm saying and watch for intent when I say something.

I sent her an e-mail today about the argument we had, and I think we ironed it out. She didn't mean for it to sound as frightening to me as it did; she was feeling like we had no intention of sharing her love for the outdoors, which is very important to her. I'm kind of getting that she doesn't feel like we think she's important enough to try to share her joy, so I'm trying to address that. She's so independent that sometimes it's hard to ask for that reassurance, ironically.

I also e-mailed Sunday to let him know that I have a problem with not having any time together while Asha is out of town. I haven't heard back. I was very, very careful to keep my tone neutral, but of course e-mails are not ideal in that the reader supplies the tone. If I had said it in person, though, I definitely wouldn't have been very neutral, and I might have abandoned it halfway through if he looked like he was distressed or didn't want to talk about it. I asked him what he pictured our relationship as. I'm sure that I haven't heard back because he's scared to answer, whether because he wants out or because he's afraid he'll make me mad, I don't know. I'm sorry for that, but I felt like not saying anything was setting him up for failure, and I don't want to be disappointed. I want to be realistic.

I'm a little worried that he and I are going to break up, and it will affect the rest of the quad. I still want to have a relationship with Asha. I can be friends with him, I think, but I don't know that I can be around him if things are past a certain level of intimacy. I just don't work that way; I won't be comfortable passing a certain line. But, I'm worrying before I have a reason, so I'm trying to breathe and relax and focus on Easy, who seems to be having a hard time keeping to the changes (for the better) that he's made. And my health, which is not great, and I've been spending the last few nights in pain. Easy said I kept him up all night last night; he said I was whimpering, which I don't remember. I did wake up exhausted.
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  #95  
Old 03-11-2011, 05:29 PM
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Sunday responded, late last week. I spent a lot of time going around and around about whether I ought to have e-mailed him, but I'm convinced that NOT telling him I would be upset would be a lot like setting him up to fail. He said that he didn't intend to make me feel like he didn't want to spend time with me. In that vein, last Saturday he made sure that he had dinner with us. I've called him almost every day to check on him, and I picked the kids up from school and ran them to after-school activities twice this week.

I called Sunday and told him that I would be available for lunch and near his place of employment yesterday, but he said he was too busy. I was disappointed. Valentine's date has still not happened, with no plans for it to actually happen, though he mentioned it in his e-mail. He did try to set up plans to see us this weekend, though, and it seems like he's making an effort, which I appreciate.

I'm worried about Asha. Her trip is not going well, and I don't think her hosts are making it easy for her to take care of her health.

Easy is a doofus. (he's bugging me to log off and pay some attention to him.)
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  #96  
Old 04-06-2011, 05:27 PM
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Okay, I admit it. I've been hiding out, nursing my sore ego. I just can't deal with Sunday, so I've been avoiding it.

Our Valentine's date never happened. What happened was that the weekend after Asha got back (March 19th/20th) Sunday called and invited us to go out to dinner with them. We were dirt poor, because Easy had been out of work sick, so I told Sunday that we couldn't afford to eat out. Sunday said, "Well, I still owe you a dinner." I hesitated, but it was going to be our only chance to see Asha that weekend, and we really had no money, and it had been over a month since Valentine's so I figured we weren't really going to go on a date anyway. So, my "date" with Sunday ended up being a dinner out with Easy, Asha, Sunday, Ocean, Rockstar and myself. Very romantic. (Now you say, well at least he took you out, Lemondrop. Be grateful.)

I have to admit it, I feel like a thing to him. I feel like a mop or a broom--you keep them around, and you use them, but you don't spend any extra thought or time on them. No one loves a mop or a broom. He calls me when he needs someone to pick the kids up from school, but he doesn't want or need to spend any time with me. I hate feeling like this, and I hate feeling like I can't even say anything to him, because it's not a good time/he has stress from work/he has stress in his marriage/I'm only a secondary and everything else comes first.

So today, and for the next week, I am moving into Sunday and Asha's home to take care of their kids and dogs while they're in England. I keep reminding myself that I'm doing this because I love them, and because I would want someone to do it for me if I ever had the opportunity, but it *is* triggering. I'm having to work very hard to not go into a downward spiral of anger and resentment, BUT I'm going to work hard and I'm GOING to succeed. I chose this. I could have said no and I CHOSE not to. (To be fair, when I looked at Asha and saw the hope in her eyes, I probably couldn't have said no.)

It's triggering because this is how Easy treated me for so many years. He took me for granted, just doing what he wanted to do and assuming that I would take care of the kids and responsibilities 24/7 without a break or help. I see positive changes in the last two years. I think he sees what he was doing and I think he's making an effort. He still does it, but I think he tries to stop himself. (Recently: "I'm going to go tour the beer plant all day with friends." Me: "What are you doing with the kids?" Pause. Him: "Honey, if you don't have any plans, would you mind watching the kids? I'm sorry I didn't ask sooner. I really messed up." Which is a far cry from, "I'm leaving now, don't know when I'll be back, didn't give a thought to you and the kids and family time, and I'll be rude and surly if you call to find out if I'll be home for dinner but I'll be sad and upset if you're not here when I get back.") I was part of the problem in that I allowed it to continue for so long without telling him I had a problem, and I think I'm getting better about that, too.

Easy and I are doing fairly well. I've been trying to encourage him to feel comfortable working on his relationship with Asha, though she hasn't been home much. I don't want him to hold back because he's afraid of hurting me; I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they didn't matter because of me.

I think Asha and I may be improving, actually. I mean, we've always been friends, but lately she's been flirting with me--I *think* it's flirting. People don't flirt with me, and I'm not good at it. Anyway, it gives me hope.
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  #97  
Old 04-09-2011, 05:48 PM
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Moving into Asha's house didn't work. I have to pick my own kids up from school and deposit them at my house, make dinner for everyone, then go to Asha's house, 40 minutes from my house. People weren't getting to bed on time, homework wasn't getting done. Then I tried staying at my house but driving to Asha's house to let her dogs out. That was even worse, predictably--an hour and a half round trip, then an hour to an hour and a half taking care of her animals. If I do that twice a day, I lose six hours. During the week, people don't get to bed on time, homework doesn't get done. So I brought the dogs back to my house. So far, so bad. The dogs barked all night for no explicable reason. Since Easy works on the phone during the day, this may not work out at all, but we'll have them here for the rest of the weekend because we just don't have the time for anything else. I don't know what the solution is.

I'm in this predicament because I failed to say no when I needed to. I need to remind myself that I have the right to say no, even to people I love, and I need to not over-extend myself to the detriment of my family and my self. If I had said no, at least to the dogs, Asha would have had to find another solution, but there may have been another solution and I don't have to take responsibility for everyone and everything. Overextending myself is bad for all of my relationships because then I feel stressed and build resentment in myself towards the people I love.
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  #98  
Old 04-24-2011, 04:13 PM
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I saw Sunday for the first time in three weeks yesterday. I was disappointed that he didn't seem to miss me at all. He didn't speak to me at all for the two weeks he was in England, and he barely spoke to me yesterday. Sigh. Asha had assured me that the little bit of focus he gives me shows that he loves me. I know he's out of Ritalin...I know he's jet-lagged...I know he's having trouble with his primary relationship...I feel like putting more pressure on him would be detrimental...I feel like we have no relationship at all...I feel like not saying anything is wrong...I feel like saying something is wrong...I have no idea what to do. <clicks ignore again>

Last weekend, while Sunday was gone, we had our divorcing friend over to Sunday and Asha's house. Long story short, he started getting very friendly with Asha--VERY FRIENDLY, as in licking her arm and sticking his tongue down her throat--and I threw a fit. I told him I wasn't okay with his behavior and that she was *my girlfriend*. Then I spent the rest of the evening apologizing for my behavior. I hate being insecure. It makes me miserable. I know that Asha's a big girl. I know that she could have put a stop to that behavior if she wanted to. I was jealous and it was wrong. <I wish that I could do those things. /end whining> Anyway, the divorcing friend decided that I was just jealous that he wasn't paying attention to me and made an attempt to...show me some attention. I protected myself--I was pretty angry--but my self-esteem took a ding because I know for a fact that he doesn't find me attractive and he was just doing it to shut me up. I've been sad all week. (it was just a contributing factor, along with other things.) We (Easy, Asha, and I) also discussed ending our relationship so that Asha could be a witness for our Divorcing Friend in court if it came to that. That most likely contributed to my jealousy over Divorcing Friend's actions. Not an excuse, but a possible explanation.

I decided that it would be better not to spend the night at Sunday and Asha's house last night, with today being Easter. I wanted my kids to have their Easter morning at home, but mostly I felt like we can't possible match the lavish baskets that Sunday and Asha have for their kids, and I didn't want my kids to feel...well, poor. We're not, but Sunday and Asha have A LOT more discretionary income than we do--like, about five to ten times more discretionary income. I want my kids to grow up knowing that objects don't equal success...but I do feel like a failure sometimes when I compare how much their kids get in presents versus how much our kids get in presents.

So we went up yesterday evening to help prepare the feast that Asha will be serving today, and to dye Easter eggs. It was nice, working as a family and getting the LOADS of work done. I can't believe she goes to so much effort, but I'm thinking it's tied up in her self-esteem to be able to provide fancy home-cooked meals. Plus, Easy likes to cook when he's not feeling pressured to get it done quickly, and when he can experiment. (For example, Asha is serving lavender-infused cream. I've never even heard of such a thing, and I have to wonder, why? Who cares if the cream is lavender-infused? You can't taste the difference. But it makes them ridiculously happy.)

Afterward, I helped the kids dye eggs while the others finished up prep-work and cleaned up. I thought, gee, if there had only been one set of parents here, one would have been doing all of the work while one helped the kids. It seemed like an overwhelming task. There would have been a mountain of dishes (I know I washed the same set of knives and cutting boards three times) and I can't even imagine one person trying to juggle making a pie at the same time as making a trifle at the same time as making bread at the same time as cutting the vegetables. Four sets of hands definitely made the work go faster. I liked being a part of that.

So today we go up for Easter dinner. Appetizers are supposed to hit the counter at 2pm, so I figured we'd better head up there to help do more prep work.
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  #99  
Old 04-25-2011, 09:49 PM
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Easter was very nice for me. There was some stress associated--Asha's best friend and the godfather to her children is in a new relationship, and she feels that he is allowing his NRE to allow her children to be treated as less important. But there was good food and for the most part we were all relaxed. Sunday even unbent enough at one point to share a spontaneous hug with me. He's still exhausted, but it was nice to see him smiling again.

Moose was a little difficult to take for a bit. He keeps getting so wound up that I can't get him to calm down. I could handle it when he was four, but he's sixteen now. What do you do when a sixteen year old is too wild? Then he decided to interfere with my goodbye kiss and hug from Sunday, which I had specifically discussed with Moose. I told him how important it was to me and how I don't get a lot of affection from Sunday except for this goodbye hug and kiss. I guess we're going to have to talk some more. I'm so frustrated; I don't know why I can't seem to get through to him. Lately it's like we don't even speak the same language. I'm lost and I don't have any idea what a good parent would do.

Anyway, the food was excellent, there were a ton of leftovers, and gladly, thanks to four sets of hands, the work was mostly taken care of by the time we had to leave. It seemed almost miraculous, considering the amount of food that had been prepared! (Brined and grilled turkey; rosemary sour cream mashed potatoes, 4 pounds; citrus grilled asparagus; rosemary olive oil brussel sprouts; homemade wheat rolls; rosemary parmesan bread; kalamata olive bread; turkey white wine gravy; blackberry pie; strawberry pie; whipped cream and berry trifle; hand-whipped lavender-infused whipped cream; cherry cheesecake. Everything was made from scratch!) With this much effort on Easter, I have to worry what Christmas will be like, when Asha has guests from out of town. Sometimes I'm extremely tempted to tell my mother that we're hosting Christmas at Asha's house--but I know my mother couldn't behave herself that long.

But...ugh...I keep forgetting that we might be dissolving our relationship before then. Curse that divorce. It's definitely giving me major insecurity and worry.
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  #100  
Old 09-21-2012, 12:14 AM
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Sunday is monogamous. These days, hugs are few and far between. I had a long period of grief, and I have a hard time not taking it personally, but I try to be philosophical about it.

Asha, Easy and I seem to have settled into a more platonic-type relationship. No one seems to have the energy for more.

Moose is 18, and hopefully growing up some. He often chooses not to be a part of family outings. I find this both normal, and disappointing. He has a steady girlfriend of a year, who I like very much, which means I'm always waiting for them to break up.

All of the other kids are doing fine. They're growing up, and my Monkey is old enough now that she babysits the younger two while we go out and do adult things.

The divorce I was talking about before finally happened, though of course nothing went easily. The husband now hangs out with us a lot, and seems to be becoming part of the family. If I ever blog again, I'll come up with a name for him.
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