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Old 05-15-2014, 04:39 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Exploring Poly? Or Being Yourself?

This is in response to many, many posts I have seen lately. Here and other places. I dislike the idea of "exploring poly." To me, that makes one's "polyness" a distant entity; like those people who talk about "protecting their marriage," not "protecting the woman I care about." It's not the structure of the relationship that is most important to me; it's the people.

So, is poly "worth losing a marriage for?" Is it "something that you need to do now?" I'm lucky, in that I found the concept of poly before getting involved in a relationship. But if I were married? Yes, absolutely, being true to myself would be worth "losing" the relationship. Because what am I really losing? An empty structure? A person who claims to love me, but can't really handle who I am?

I understand, for those who come into self awareness of their poly side AFTER committing to a person, especially with kids involved, can have a very hard time. And, yes, you might have to suck up settling for someone who doesn't really understand you; at least for a while.

But that doesn't mean that poly is something that is somehow separate from the person. It's not about being poly; or, more specifically, LIVING poly that is important to me. It's being with someone gets me, and who I get. It's about being free to love and spend time with those that matter to me, without feeling guilty. I can't stop that, even though I could date less, or focus more time on one person.

/end rant.
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Old 05-15-2014, 05:03 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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OTOH you ask people to sacrifice their wants for who you are but would you sacrifice something for them too.

You can't shove poly down someones throat and expect them to be ok with it if it goes again their moral compass. That is not fair... it is not what they signed up for in their relationship. Especially post marriage.

Life is full of sacrifice. I sacrifice things every day. Bills have to be paid I sacrifice time with my children, my partners, my friends to work in order to make sure we have a roof over our heads as do my husbands. We would all rather do what we want all day but life doesn't allow for that right now.

If living poly is more important that someone in your life who is not ok with having their partner practicing polyamory then you need to do the right thing and end the relationship to pursue poly. No one is saying they have to give it up. But don't hurt others in order to have your happiness at the expense of someone else's. A lot of folks want their cake and eat it too. Sometimes that is not possible.

You have to weigh your wants against your needs. Your partner has to do the same.
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Old 05-15-2014, 05:18 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Dagferi,

Hmmm. I can't speak for people in general, but I would hope that one would give their partner the same consideration they want for themselves. And I get that sacrifice is usual. In my case, I don't actually sacrifice anything I consider core to myself; which includes the freedom to love and commit to whoever I feel that connection. I'd give the same freedom to any of my partners. And I'd never ask them to sacrifice either; I'd rather end, or change, the relationship.

I've had people accuse me, not here, but in person, of not "really committing" because I'm okay with leaving at any time, or being left at any time, if myself or the other person isn't happy. Kids need to be considered, but I know plenty of children from divorced families who were glad their parents separated, rather than have forced them to live in a tense, unhappy household where the parents were constantly fighting. So, as long as you realize you still need to both CARE for the kids; I don't see an issue with ending the romantic relationship.
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Old 05-15-2014, 05:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
I've had people accuse me, not here, but in person, of not "really committing" because I'm okay with leaving at any time, or being left at any time, if myself or the other person isn't happy.
The topic of commitment is interesting to me. I have had similar conversations to the one you are describing. People like the comfort gained from a guarantee that the way things are is the way they are going to stay. I can understand that, I like a bit of consistency in my life and I'm certainly in favor of good things sticking around as long as possible. However, this idea that all one needs is a good "commitment" and suddenly everything will stay the way it is forever is just wishful thinking. Even worse is the idea that this previous commitment should be motivation for staying in a relationship that isn't any good for the members involved any longer.

Who is the person who gets to decide what is a good enough reason to end or change an association? The concept of "really committed" presumes that there is some kind of objective measure, which there is not.
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Old 05-15-2014, 05:48 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
In my case, I don't actually sacrifice anything I consider core to myself
That's an important distinction. When talking about sacrifice within the context of voluntary interpersonal relationships (not related to having a job to avoid starving to death ) I would only consider sacrifice to be giving up something that is important to me in service of someone else. I don't care to live in an association which can only exist if I stop gaming, or pull down my OKCupid profile, or stop going out with my friends, etc. The world is jam packed with people who seem in love with the idea of injuring their way of life or well being just to make up for someone elses shortcomings... may they all find each other and be happy.
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Old 05-15-2014, 06:00 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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PiP... There is nothing wrong with your stance. As I have said many times before I was going to divorce Butch due to my need to pursue poly. I have no problems ending relationships like ripping off a bandaid if needed.

Butch is heavy into BDSM. BDSM grosses me out on all levels. When we first started dating way back when I told him flat out I can't be involved in any way shape or form. I actually was prepared to break up the relationship over it. BDSM goes against my personal moral compass. He came back with he didn't need that from me. I can live without it etc. Over the years the issue has come up over and over. My stance has not changed and will not. I require a vanilla relationship to be happy. We have come to a compromise that works for us. If we were unable to then the right thing to do would be to go our separate ways.

The ultimate display of commitment and or love for someone, imo, is knowing when to walk away from someone for their and your own happiness in the long run.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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Old 05-15-2014, 06:47 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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The ultimate display of commitment and or love for someone, imo, is knowing when to walk away from someone for their and your own happiness in the long run.
Wholeheartedly second this!
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Old 05-15-2014, 11:48 PM
BDaemon BDaemon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
The ultimate display of commitment and or love for someone, imo, is knowing when to walk away from someone for their and your own happiness in the long run.

I always have wondered about this concept. Granted, I get what you mean and agree with it to an extent....but how do you know when to walk away from something you want and love in the hopes of finding something better? (rhetorical question, since it's different for everyone, I know) It's just been a concept that's been swimming around in my head a lot lately and causing me no end of grief.
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Old 05-16-2014, 02:08 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I view it similarly to when I have to give people advice about euthanasia and their pets.

Pick 5 things love enjoy with your partner. When 3 or more are gone it probably is time to bow out. When there are more bad time then good for an extended period of time. When compromise can not be met that makes all parties comfortable within a reasonable time frame. These are also signs it may be time to go.

It is not fair to ask someone to be miserable for your happiness for any extended period of time.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.

Last edited by Dagferi; 05-16-2014 at 02:12 AM.
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Old 05-16-2014, 03:13 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post

The ultimate display of commitment and or love for someone, imo, is knowing when to walk away from someone for their and your own happiness in the long run.
I actually loathe the last part of that statement. Walking away for my own happiness is a sign of loving myself, and respecting both myself and my partner (saying "it's for you!" is disingenous, and, IMHO, insulting--if I leave, it's because I feel bad about how I am treating them or how they feel or whatever, which is still about me, not some selfless act of emotional generosity and self-sacrifice). Walking away because of some noble "I'm doing this for you!" thing, to me, smacks of condescension and paternal conceit. I date adults, they get to decide what they do and do not want, what level of compromise works for them, etc. Just as I do. I would never presume to tell my partner I knew them better than they did, or that I was the steward and custodian of their feelings.

Yes, this touched a nerve. I've had this said to me twice in my life, and both times it was total bullshit because they felt too guilty to say "I want to take a different path," or "I am unhappy, and this isn't working for me." What one meant was "I knocked up another woman I didn't bother to tell you I was fucking," and the other meant "Thanks for putting me through pre-med and into the best med school in the country because I didn't have to work and got to do all kinds of cool stuff on your dime. Now, off to make a pile of cash and marry someone ASAP!" It's much more socially "noble" to blame it on doing "what's best for your partner" instead of just being honest that it's because you feel bad about how things are going.

/end rant
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