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Old 02-03-2012, 11:59 PM
persephone persephone is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 68
Default How do you tell a friend when the physical isn't working?

Hi fellow polys. I'm new here. My issue is as follows. I have a very good friend and he and I just slept together for the first time. He's a great guy, he's honest, there is mutual caring and respect, I get along with his wife, he gets along with my husband, we're all poly and everything should work, right? Sadly though, it didn't, at least for me. I enjoyed snuggling him but the chemistry was somehow off. The worst problem, though, was his....well, size. I am a bit of a size lover but average will usually do me OK if the guy has skill. In this case, though, it didn't work for me even though my friend has skill. He was so small that I was pretty much unable to enjoy having sexual intercourse with him. I barely even noticed we were having it, actually. He did make sure to satisfy me another way, which I appreciated, but intercourse is very important to me, if it doesn't work, I don't find other things much compensation.

So now I am wondering what to do? He'd make a perfect boyfriend in many ways, and I definitely have some feelings for him already. I don't think he is thinking we'll be able to have sex frequently, we both have time challenges and privacy issues because of kids at home.

I know he thinks that things went well today. I feel terrible about this. I want a relationship with him, but I guess I don't want the sex part. I know he does though.

Anyone else ever have this problem?
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Old 02-04-2012, 01:03 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Now, before stronger feelings and expectations develop, seems like the perfect time to be honest. Tell him you value the friendship but the chemistry wasn't right for you. Don't tell him the exact problem, of course, just keep it general and about the dynamic, not about you or him. Alternately, admit that size = pleasure for you and ask him if he'd be willing to fuck you with a nice, big dildo from time to time.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 02-04-2012, 05:11 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 545

I'm assuming that the chemistry is great between your husband and his wife? Not sure if you are new to the lifestyle or not, but if you are new then you might as well realize that this is the norm. It's very rare to find 4 way compatibility. So- I agree that it's best to be honest right up front. I have been surprized at how open and honest people have been with me and my partner and I've appreciated it.

Some possible statements are "the chemistry wasn't right for me" or "My partner didn't feel that connection with you that he wanted to feel" or "I didn't feel the sexual connection I wanted to feel" "I didn't feel the sexual chemistry with your husband" "Or- I want to be friends, but the sexual chemistry isn't there for me" etc. etc.......I would just word the statement that you want to use and then just tell him.

If you and your husband are trying to find a couple where the sexual attraction is all the way around, then it's best to admit right up front that this isn't the couple for you.
Good luck!
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
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