The Journey of JaneQSmythe

[JaneQSmythe]

Approximately 10 weeks after the Implosion I check my email prior to going to work and find an email from Dude that he sent to MrS and cc'd to me. “Please read – don't delete.” I read the email and delete it and go to work, fingers-crossed.

I talk to MrS that afternoon from work – he tells me he got an email from Dude and that he is contemplating calling him. I say “OK” and tell him that I read the email that morning.

So what was in the email?: Dude writes that he misses us. That he misses just being with us. That he loves us both. He tells MrS that it was never his intention to try to replace MrS as my husband and lover. That he enjoys my mind and that sexual attraction is secondary to that but not worth losing friends over. That he tried to follow the “rules” as he understood them and that his mistake was taking someone elses's (i.e. my) word for things after he had said he wouldn't participate in anything other than “hugs and backrubs” without hearing from MrS directly. And for that he is sorry.

He wants us in his life but he can't deal with wondering whether he is going to be “shot for trespassing” if he comes over to talk. If we are really done then he needs to know so that he can move on...he has several things to return to MrS if this is the case. But he can't cope with the uncertainty any longer.

The long and the short of it? I come home from work to find (a very drunk) MrS still on the phone with Dude, they talked for a total of FOUR HOURS. After tucking a (very pukey) MrS into bed I breath the first sigh of relief I've had in what seems like a very long time.

The next day Dude comes over and we start the next phase of our lives.

[JaneQSmythe]

Dude comes over to the house and stays...and stays. The three of us pick up where we left off before the Dark Times happened. But this time nothing is hidden, we move slowly, we take baby steps. MrS and Dude resume their friendship, spending hours a day participating in their mutual avocation and other mutual interests. I gradually start playing gently with Dude – this time in full view of MrS, with much discussion and communication. The way it should have happened the first time around. I don't do anything with Dude that I wouldn't do (aren't doing) with my husband present.

Dude is still off-and-on again with CrazyGirl. We go to a beer-festival and have a low-key foursome. No pressure. No deception. BUT, she wants something that he is not willing to comply with or promise. (Monogamy, her being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.) She wants to me “MARRIED” - she tells me. She sees what MrS and I have and she wants to jump to that NOW – with Dude. Nevermind that MrS and I aren't monogamous, that we can't make babies (different story) – she mixes her desires for a fictional future with an idealized version of what it means to be “loved” - no one has ever loved her the way that MrS loves me she says, I point out that we spent two decades getting to where we are. She can't expect that in 6 months with someone who she has broken up with a half dozen times and never subscribed to the love=married=babies paradigm in the first place. Deaf ears. The last thing in the world this CrazyGirl needs is a baby!

Three months after Dude re-enters our lives they break up for the last time.

[JaneQSmythe]

OK folks, you can open your eyes now - I'm done being a Complete Jackass.

Which isn't to say that I am never a little jackassy again - I have my moments/hours/days - but nothing as sustained or deceptive as the events leading up to the Implosion.

For those of you reading this, I thank you for sharing this painful part of my journey with me. Although the boys have long-since forgiven me I still feel guilt and shame over the pain I caused them. Telling my story here, revealing that I am a whole person with flaws to match is part of my path to self-forgiveness. Perhaps someone reading this can learn from my mistakes.

The next several posts will be about how I ended up "getting together" with Dude (officially) and how we three dealt with new relationship issues/boundaries/etc. All regular relationship stuff with it's own growing pains but minimal angst (with a few exceptions which I will get to down the line).

[BaggagePatrol]

If you don't start writing a book, I'm going to buy up all the Begium beer in the world and hold it hostage until you do. I fuckin' LOVE your blog.

[Phy]

Well, as I said, won't take any of what I wrote to you back. I still believe there is much you could have done, way worse than that. Glad that things worked out and glad that you manage to pull through it. Overstepping a line is human, noticing it and making up for what one did wrong is all you can do. Happy to know that you are in a good place today

[JaneQSmythe]

Apparently the "Jackassery" portion of this blog took a lot out of me...and fulfilled a lot of my blogging needs. It is still my intention to chronicle - in a chronological and orderly fashion - the rest of my Journey here. However, I have been feeling the need to write about other random philosophical poly thoughts and therefore I have created a new blog thread on this site to satisfy this need with a more informal structure - The Notebook of JaneQSmythe.

Thank you for your interest in my ongoing "Journey."

JaneQ