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Old 10-04-2014, 10:24 PM
DebbieandRay DebbieandRay is offline
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Default My Life As A Shared Wife

I have been thinking a lot lately about who I am and who I have been. I truly believe that I was a Temple Priestess in ancient times. I believe that men came to me, to worship the Goddess through me, and through them I was able to worship as well.

In the Temples of the old ways people would go to the temple TO BE WORSHIPPED not to worship. Women would go to the temple to serve the Goddess, to embody Her, to represent Her, to be worshipped as Her. Women would spend a day, or a week, or a year serving at the Temple as a Priestess, as a Sacred Prostitute, as a Whore in service to the Goddess. There they would be worshipped as the incarnation of the Goddess, as The Goddess Herself.

Men would come to Her Temple TO BE WORSHIPPED. Men would be welcomed and served by the Priestesses and men would represent the divine male principal, the Horned One, the Sacred Bull, The God. Men would come to the temple to give their love and passion to The Goddess, and would receive the passion, love, and affection of The Goddess.

To me a man's cock is the symbol of God. It is Biblical in that it simulates the birth, death and ressurection of Christ. A man's cock is the generative power that brings about life. Cock, in and of itself, deserves reverence. Cock is the closest thing we as humans have to God himself. Cock is a tangible representation of God. It is something we can see, touch, feel and taste.
The Vagina is symbolic of baptism. Within the vagina one is plunged into the water and raised to walk in newness of life.

In Tantra the yoni (vagina) is the creative power of nature and represents the goddess Shakti. The linga (penis) stone represents Shiva, and is usually placed in the yoni. The lingam (penis) is the transcendental source of all that exists. The linga united with the yoni represents the non-duality of immanent reality and transcendental potentiality.

I believe in and live Tantric. To me sex is a spiritual practice. It is not aimed at self-indulgence or pleasure as an end in itself. Tantra uses sexuality, with all of its rawness, social stigma, fear, and vulnerability to crack open our egos so that we can be present with our lovers, and ultimately, with ourselves.

When I have sex with a man or men, it is a time of worship of me and my lovers. It is a time when I can be myself more than any other time. And it is a time when I can love myself through and by loving others.

To me sex is never just sex. To me sex, whether it be with my husband or a stranger or a group of strangers, is love making. When a man allows me to suck his cock, he is allowing me to love him. And when a man allows me to suck his cock, he is loving me in the same way. When I spread my legs for a man, or men, it is a way for me to give and to love. And when a man, or men, enter me they are loving me in the same way. When a man cums in me, he is giving me the best gift a man can give a woman.

I have always enjoyed sex, as far back as I can remember. And I think the biggest reason is the healing qualities of sex. Scientists have even proven that LOVE, care, AND SEX can lead to a longer life for both sexes. I believe that good Quality Sexual Activity helps us heal our sense of separateness from one another. It helps create the “spice of life” that we all need. We feel appreciated and cared for more when we share erotic times and sex with others. I know I do.

I consider myself Tantic because Tantra treats sexual energy as an ally, rather than something to be suppressed or discussed only behind closed doors. It does not deny sex, in fact Tantra does the opposite by embracing sex. Tantra is the only spiritual practice that states that sex is sacred and not a sin — even outside of marriage.

Tantra teaches to enjoy sex with others, not just your spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend. And I agree. Love and Sex should be shared openly. I believe the Biblical teaching that the body is a temple. I also believe that the body should be a place of worship. I believe that the physical body is the temple of God. When I have sex with a man or men, it is a form of worship for me. It is my way of reverencing God.

Tantra teaches to go into sex with your heart and your body, but not your mind. Sex should be mindless. You should never have to think, "Is this bad? "Should I or shouldn't I?" Sex should be gone into completely and passionately. Sex is a good thing! You should never let your mind mess up the sex you have. To me, sex is what gives life meaning, no matter who it is you are having sex with.

I think the reason so many people have unfulfilled sexual lives is because of religion. Religion and society have turned sex, something so magical and beautiful, into something bad. We are told that we should be monogamous and not have sex outside of marriage. And how well has that worked?

I do not believe in monogamy. I do not believe that it has ever worked. And I know it has never worked for me. I believe in a loving surrender with many partners. To me the best way for me to love my husband is to love myself by giving myself to others, sexually.

I have never concerned myself with wondering if a lover is married or not, engaged or not. I have always felt that sex is something that should go beyond marriage. An opportunity to have sex with another, even if it is not your wife or your husband or your boyfriend or your girlfriend, should never be missed, at least on purpose. I feel that denying yourself sex is the worst thing you can do to yourself.

Wikipedia states: "Non-monogamy is a blanket term which covers several types of interpersonal relationships in which an individual forms multiple and simultaneous sexual or romantic bonds. This can be contrasted with its opposite, monogamy, and yet may arise from the same psychology. The term has been criticized as it may evoke to imply that monogamy is the norm and that any other way of relating is somehow a deviation of that norm." I feel that monogamy may be the "norm," but I also feel that needs to change.

If you look around, read or listen to the news, you constantly hear of people having affairs or cheating on their spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend. I feel it would be better if non-monogamy were the norm. If non-monogamy were the norm, then people would not be jealous (afraid of loss) and would be happier people. I think that if non-monogamy were to be the norm, cheating would cease to exist because it would e expected that your spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend is going to have sex with others.

I will admit that although me and my husband have an open marriage, I am glad that he is and has been mostly monogamous but has allowed me not to be. Many people may call our relationship a cuckold/hotwife relationship. and I am okay with that. My husband knows that women are not attracted to him, especially after they see him naked. When I first saw him naked I thought to myself, "That is the smallest cock I have ever seen." And my husband still has the smallest penis I have been with.
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Old 10-04-2014, 10:25 PM
DebbieandRay DebbieandRay is offline
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(Cont.)


I enjoy sex with my husband and his tiny, little penis. Yet, I also enjoy men who are larger cocked than my husband is. One night I pushed my husband's little guy inside of him. I asked my husband if all men's cocks could do that. He said no. I was actually glad to hear that.

What makes our relationship work is that we are honest with each other. My husband knows that I love sex and that no one man can be everything that any woman needs. My husband also knows that although I enjoy sex with him, that I also NEED variety. My husband also knows, admits and is proud that he has a small penis. He also knows that I need him to push my limits.

I am also polyamorous. My husband and I have an open / polyamorous relationship. We talk to each other about everything. We have asked the questions to each other, Who is it acceptable to have sexual interactions with? And in what situations? Is it okay to sleep with someone you have romantic feelings for? Etc. And the answers have been that it is okay to have sex with whom-ever you desire, when-ever and where-ever. I have the freedom to have sex with anyone, any-time. And my husband has he same freedom, just a lot fewer opportunities.

My husband says that I am beautiful and sexy and very good in bed. And he wants as many men as possible to know this as well, from experience. I like that. I think that my husband is very sexy as well, but I am glad that other women do not see him that way. I like that my husband is compersive, that he derives pleasure from seeing me experience pleasure with others.
My relationship with my husband is as good as it is because of the other men I have had sex with.

My husband feels most loved when I have sex with others, and I enjoy loving him by having sex with others. I feel most loved by my husband when I have sex with other men. I love my husband because he wants to see me with other men. I also love my husband because of how happy he is when I have sex with other men.

Minutes before we got married, I had sex with my boyfriend. And on our honeymoon, I had sex with fourteen other men before I had sex with my husband. If it weren't for my boyfriend and the other men, our wedding and our honeymoon would not have been as good, or as memorable. The sex I had before the wedding and on our honeymoon, with other men, was what made our wedding and our honeymoon worthwhile.

Me and my husband both have a lot of men to thank for the success of our marriage. The sex has been fantastic and our quality of life much better than if I hadn't had sex with other men. The fact that my husband feels most loved by me when I have sex with other men is the reason I want to love him, in that way, as much as I can. I want my husband to feel loved by me, and that is one of the reasons why I am so open to sex with others. Another reason is because I love sex and connecting physically with others.

I love men. And when I have sex with other men, I am loving my husband by also loving them. I have loved every man I have ever had sex with. And that is not a bad thing. To love someone who has brought you pleasure is a good thing. Why wouldn't I love someone who has let me suck their cock? And why wouldn't I love someone who has made love to me and brought me sexual pleasure?

Consensual sex is the most loving thing anyone can involve themselves in or with. I know of nothing else that compares to really good sex. And I know of no better feeling than to suck and feel a man's cock cumming inside of me.

Sex is good for you as well. Some scientists say Men who have sex three times a week can decrease their heart attack and stroke risk by 50 percent. Women who enjoy sex tend to live longer than those who don't. Great sex makes your body feel about two to eight years younger! This is the same for men who have 150 to 350 orgasms per year (compared to the average of once a week). And as far as I am concerned, those orgasms men have with me are even better for me and them.

My husband likes to lovingly call me a whore. I feel that I am a lady before I am a whore. And I like being treated like a lady. I am not saying that I don't like being treated like a whore as well. What I am saying is that I consider myself a classy whore. Yes, I love having sex with other men. Sex makes you feel better, and I feel that is why it is so important. And sex with a loving partner is even better.

Hopefully who I am interests you. If not, sorry. I'm not changing.
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Old 10-04-2014, 10:40 PM
DebbieandRay DebbieandRay is offline
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I started a thread in another area of the forum that went as follows . . .

I Wish my hubby was more like new boyfriend
I have played with several men in the past, and I have a semi-steady boyfriend, but I have met a new man that I have really fallen for. He is not entirely available as often as I would like him to be, though. The thing is that's the part about hi that really turns me on. He is so much more masculine than my husband is.

I have done nothing more than flirt, touch a little and give my new man oral, but I hve very deep feelings for him. My new man and my hubby have not met yet, but they have talked on the phone. I have met with my new man 5 times and he is still a little freaked out about me being married. My new man is not poly, but he does have a desire to have a relationship with me.

My new man is everything my husband isn't. My new man is tall, has a deep voice, is a master mechanic, owns his own business, is very muscular, is very, very well built below the waist, and loves my breasts. My husband could care less about my breasts. And my husband is not a real touchy-feely kind of guy either.

I have not actually gone on a date with my new man, and we haven't had intercourse, but when I can't be with him I miss him. I used to miss my husband like that when we were apart, but never as much as I miss my new man when I can't see him.

The other day I was going to surprise my new man. He had texted saying he was going to be at his shop. So, I convinced my husband to go with me to meet my new man. We were two blocks from my new man's shop when I called and told him that I was on my way to see him, with my husband. My new man told me NO, and that another time would be better. I felt let down, but also excited because my husband never tells me no, for any reason.

I saw my new man's NO as him being a man, putting his foot down. I wanted to see him so bad, but I understood. He said that he had a client with him and another time would be better. I told my husband that I so wanted them to meet, so that my new man wouldn't be so freaked out about me being married. I also wanted to be touched and to touch my new man, but I think both my husband and my new man knew that.

My new man called me after we had already turned around and were a block away from home. I had my new man talk with my husband. My husband told my new man that he was okay with me dating and seeing him. My husband told my new man that if he and I had a relationship that he would be more than happy about it. My husband told my new man that he believed that sex is what friends do for and with each other. My new man told my husband a few times that he just wanted to make sure no one got hurt. My husband assured my new man that he loved that me and him were seeing each other.

My husband texted me telling me that he was so turned on by me and having had the opportunity to talk with my new man. I told my husband that I was turned on as well. After my husband texted, my new man asked me to send him a picture of my breasts. So, I took a selfie and sent it to him. He sent me back a picture of his cock. I would have ended up having to get myself off because of all the excitement, but luckily my other boyfriend stopped by and took care of that for me.

My other boyfriend and I have been dating for 27 years. He is married,too. My new man is not married and lives closer to us. My other boyfriend is a great man, and I love him deeply, but when he and I made love this time, I pictured him as being my new man. I closed my eyes and could see my new man on me, with me, and the sex with my other boyfriend was amazing, better than usual.

When I texted my husband and told him that my other boyfriend had stopped by, he got excited by that, too. He loves knowing when I am with other men. He's always liked that. After my other boyfriend left, my new man called and told me that he had jacked off to my picture. I was flattered, but also felt let down that he didn't want to please himself with me, and let me be a part of his pleasure. Is that wrong?

I hate it when my husband jacks off instead of asking me to please him, or to make love to me. And now my new man has done the same thing, three different times. The other day, when my husband and I drove to my new man's shop, all I wanted to do was introduce the two of them, and possibly give my new man oral. I don't think I am asking a lot. Am I?

All day long, when I am at work, or anywhere else, all I can think about is my new man, and he is always so busy that he doesn't have a lot of time for me. I hate that, but love him none the less. When my husband got home that day, after we had been told I couldn't see my new man, I wanted to be made love to by my husband, and we did make love, but I had to ask him for it.

I have a very high sex drive, and I hate that my men don't. Well, my other boyfriend has a high sex drive, but we can only get together when his wife is at work or he is in my area. I think my new man has a high sex drive as well, but he is always so damn busy and has a hard time finding time for me, and I hate that.

My husband is around a lot, but he is very girly. He is the exact opposite of both of my boyfriends. My husband is more like a girlfriend to me than a man. I love my husband for who he is, but I long to be with men who are more like I wish my husband was but isn't. Although I have what could be considered friend with benefits, it isn't the same. Sure, we make love, but I don't have the same feelings for them that I do for my new man.

Has anyone else gone through anything like this?

And a lot has happened since then.
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Old 10-05-2014, 12:09 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hey Deb,

Thanks for sharing, I like your philosophies about sex and the stories of its ancient origins. I'm sure your husband wants to please you, he just doesn't know you very well and needs a lot of instruction and direction. I know you guys have started working with a therapist and I am hopeful that it will help.

You have to know that your husband loves you when he is supportive of you and enthused about your relationships with other men. Maybe he could be a little more like those other men, but it would probably take a long time and a lot of training just for him to learn a little of what you want him to know. I know you said he (you as well) had a rough time as a kid and he was made to feel like a girly boy. So maybe now he feels like he has to continue to wear that label. Or is it even possible he was born with a natural desire to be a girly man? I can't be sure.

I'll be happy to offer any advice, feedback, or moral support that you need. The blog board is supposed to be a sanctuary from criticism but I can still emphasize the positive and help out in that way.

Anyway, I like your blog so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 10-05-2014, 10:33 PM
DebbieandRay DebbieandRay is offline
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10/5/2014 (Part One)

Kevin;

Thank you for your response.

I agree that Ray needs a lot of instruction and direction. The funny thing is that Ray is the reason that I am who I am today. Before meeting Ray I never dated more than one man at a time. Other than when I was younger, I never got gang banged. And I had never been with a man who wanted to share me with other men. It is because of Ray that I have become the woman I always knew I could be.

I love Ray very much. I am also very much in love with Roy, a man I have known for 27 years. I am also in love with Scott, my newest BF. And I have developed deeper feelings for Tom, a friend's husband.

I ran into Scott at the grocery store yesterday afternoon. That made me happy. Scott said that he was still working on a rock that he is painting for us, but he has been very busy. Yet, he did have time enough for us to talk and for me to go down on him in the back of his van. I really enjoyed that.

While I was with Scott, I got a text from Tom. He wanted to get with me, too. And we did. Tom came to the house and made love to me for well over an hour. Tom and I were still making love when Ray got home. Tom is an incredible lover. He has a great body and a lot of stamina, as well as a nice sized cock.

When I was with Scott, I sucked him for a good 25 minutes, to completion. And we both loved it. When Tom came to the house, I went down on him for a good 20 minutes before we actually had intercourse. The last time I went down on Ray, my husband, I stayed down on him for about a minute. I give so much more, orally, to other men than I do my own husband. And I am not sure why.

Tom and Roy are both very exciting in bed, whereas my husband is very boring and predictable. My husband is also a very girlie-man and much smaller cocked than Tom or Roy. I am not sure if it is because Ray doesn't arouse me, or because his penis is so small that I don't desire his cock as much as I desire other men's cocks.

Today is Sunday, and on Sunday mornings I usually get gang banged. That to us is church. We are expecting 5 men to show up around 9AM, after my son goes to church with his grandma. We usually find men for Sunday mornings on Craigslist. Sunday mornings are usually reserved for me to have sex with men I have never met before, and it is usually a lot of fun.

For Sunday mornings, we usually try to find Black Men for me to play with. Since my husband and BFs are white, it is a nice treat to get gang banged by a group of Black Men.

I wouldn't say that I am a size queen, but I do like to have sex with men who have larger than average cocks. My husband's cock is 3.5" when totally erect. Roy is about 8" long and thicker than Ray is. Scott is about as long as Roy is, but thicker. Since the men I have sex with on Sunday mornings are usually Black, they usually have really big cocks. And I like that.

Since Ray prefers to watch, rather than do, sexually, Sunday mornings are a special treat for Ray, as well as for me. I have a very high sex drive, and Sunday mornings are a time when I can have raw sex with strangers, which is often sexually fulfilling and usually very exciting. And I love that. Ray and I have both agreed that me having sex with other men has been the reason that we have had such an awesome marriage.

Last night Ray tried to be masculine, which confused me. He hugged me after Tom and I made love. Ray went down on me after Tom and I made love, and Ray even tried to have intercourse with me after Tom and I had made love. Ray and I didn't make love, though. We never do on Saturday nights, before my gang bangs. That has always been our rule. Although, I did make love to another lover that I haven't seen for almost six months who called and asked to be able to see me. Ray got to watch me with this other lover, though.

Ray and I do not have what most people would call a "normal" relationship, but overall we are both happy with each other. Ray and I have a lot of things to work out, especially our ability to communicate with each other, but as far as sex goes, I get enough.

I desire closeness with Ray, but as far as yesterday and tomorrow, we will not be sexual with each other. We have always had a rule that 24 hours before and 24 hours after I get gang banged, that time is reserved for other men, sexually. Ray did massage me after my lover left last night, and I really enjoyed that.

I'm not sure why Ray tried to be so masculine last night, but I do know that it had something to do with what happened yesterday morning. I had made love with Ray yesterday morning, and it was just sex, no kissing or hugging, and I told him I didn't like that he didn't hug or kiss me when we made love. Now that I think about it, I never thought about it, we were making love close to that 24 hour period before my gang bang.

Ray flip flops from time to time, when he tries to be masculine, like my BFs and lovers are. But when Ray tries to be masculine, it seems so fake to me. It isn't how he really is. Ray is not the Alpha type. Ray was looking at a web site the other day that had "the 25 characteristics of Alpha males," and Ray had none of them.

Last night, when Ray tried to be masculine, he tried to deep kiss me, twice. I didn't let it happen. It felt forced, not natural. It was like when a little kid dresses up in his father's suit and tries to pretend he is a grown man. It doesn't work.

It is now 6AM on Sunday morning, October 5, 2014. I have been up for a while now. I am excited about the gang bang, but I have also been trying to figure out what was going on with Ray last night.

After my lover left last night, and Ray was massaging me, Ray had a raging hard on. And it was cute. I have always thought that it looked cute when Ray has an erection. His stubby little penis sticking straight out and all. To know what Ray's penis looks like totally erect, picture a Bic lighter, and you have it.

Last night, after I was with Tom and before I was with my other lover, me and Ray watched some of Magic Mike. As we watched the movie, Ray said he really should work out more and get a body like the guys in the movie, like Scott and Roy and Tom have. I told Ray not to worry about it, especially at our age.

Ray looks at other men and how they interact with women, and how women react to them, and he wants that so bad. It makes me feel bad for him.

Night before last my best friend, Michelle, came over. We had dinner together, spent some time in our hot tub and watched Road House together. I have known Michelle for about 18 years, and she and Roy have been FWBs for about the last 15 years or so. Michelle has been with Roy, and she has seen Ray naked in our hot tub. Ray has tried to get Michelle to go to bed with him, but that hasn't happened, and probably never will.

Michelle has been part of my Sunday morning gang bangs in the past. Michelle is 50 years old, but has the body of a 17 year old. She has long hair and still wears spandex pants, high heels and tank tops. When Ray has been able to watch Michelle have sex with other men, or get gang banged, he has loved it. I have to admit that Michelle is a hottie.

Ray has asked Michelle why she won't go to bed with him, and her answer has always been that she prefers to have sex with men who have more to offer, down below. Michelle has told Ray that he has a very cute, little penis, but that she isn't interested in it.

I have another friend that Ray has tried to get into bed. She is married to a Black Man, who I have been with, and Ray has seen me have sex with. Her name is Nikki. Nikki has told Ray that she prefers sex with Black Men. And Ray has accepted that, although he really wants to have sex with her.

I have always found it amusing, and confusing, that Ray tries to get sex with my friends, but he never asks me for sex. I am not sure if he asks my friends for sex so that they can turn him down, or what.
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Old 10-05-2014, 10:34 PM
DebbieandRay DebbieandRay is offline
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10/5/2014 (Part two)



When me and Michelle and Nikki and Nikki's husband Dave and Roy and Ray have been in the hot tub together, It was obvious who the MEN were. Me and Michelle and Nikki have all been sexual with both David and Roy. Since Nikki has had sex with Roy, several times, as well as with other of my lovers, it is obvious that although she may prefer sex with Black Men, she will have sex with white men. And I think that makes Ray feel humiliated, but I have no control over that.

Last night, while Ray was massaging me, I asked him why he was trying so hard to be masculine. Ray told me that he is and can be. Ray did ask me why I wouldn't deep kiss him, and I told him that it didn't feel right. I did tell Ray that his erection was cute, though.

I told Ray that he didn't have to try to be masculine for me, especially since it isn't in his character to be so. I told Ray that I love him for who he is, and I married him for who he is. Ray then asked me who I thought he was. And I told him that he was a man who loved me, and because of his love for me I love him.

Ray asked me if I had seen Scott lately, and I told him that I saw him at the store and had given him a blow job. Then Ray asked me how many times Tom had gotten me off. I told Ray I wasn't sure. Then Ray asked about my last lover last night. Ray asked me why I had let him come over at such a late hour. I told Ray that I hadn't seen him in months and was happy that he wanted to see me.

Ray massaged me for over an hour last night and talked with me the whole time. Ray asked me to tell him what it was like to give Scott a blow job in the grocery store parking lot. I told him that it was fun and that Scott loved it because he had never done that before.

Ray then asked me how I felt about him only getting me off once in our entire relationship. I told Ray that he didn't have to get me off when we had sex. I like the journey. Ray asked me what it is like to orgasm time and again with men like Roy, and other lovers I have been with. I asked Ray why that was important to him and he let it go.

Ray told me over and over that he loved me, and that he thought I was sexy and beautiful. I liked that. Ray also told me that I have a beautiful body. And he rarely tells me that. Ray told me that he loves massaging me. And I told Ray that I really liked that.

I eventually told Ray that he could stop massaging me, and that we both needed to get some sleep before the other men arrived for "church." Ray agreed and we fell asleep with Ray hugging me, and his erection poking me in the small of my back.
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Old 10-06-2014, 12:00 AM
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This is an awfully explicit question ... but since the thread is explicit I'll ask ... Does Ray get to cum very much? I mean with his small member. Do you sometimes do a hand job on him to make him cum? Is that important to him? You can disregard any questions here that are too personal, but I just hoped Ray was personally getting the pleasure he desired and wondered how that worked.

It sounds like Ray encouraged you to introduce yourself to an exciting new way of life, with many men to share sex with, and lots of firsts for you and them.

And I know that Ray is probably aware of your posts where you indicated that you wished he was more like your new boyfriend, and maybe Ray just wanted to please you by granting that wish. But as you think about it, you may decide that on a deeper level you do like Ray to just be himself even if it is quite girly. That might help explain why you didn't feel comfortable kissing him deeply.

I appreciate that you are very open about sharing your experiences on this thread, and it is helping me to get to know you (and Ray as well) better. Hope it's okay if I keep following the thread and posting here and there.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 10-06-2014, 04:40 AM
DebbieandRay DebbieandRay is offline
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Does Ray get to cum much? Yes. He and I actually have sex often. I don't cum with him, and only have once with him, but we do have sex.

Ray never asks for sex, and if I never brought it up, he would never ask and would go without. Because Ray is small small cocked, he doesn't arouse me, sexually, but all in all he is a good man.

"It sounds like Ray encouraged you to introduce yourself to an exciting new way of life, with many men to share sex with, and lots of firsts for you and them."

Yes, Ray really helped me to open up and really enjoy life to the fullest. I had only been sexual with maybe 75 or so men before I met Ray. Since I have been with Ray, I have been with that many men in a month.

On our first date, that lasted three days, Ray got me gang banged on the second night. And I loved it. On the first night, Ray bathed me and we cuddled and he ate me out. We tried to have intercourse, but it didn't work out well. Ray kept falling out of me, no matter what position we tried. And the sight of his super small penis didn't arouse me, either.

Ray's penis is exactly the length of a Bic lighter, and he is not much thicker than one, either. I fell for Ray before I saw him naked. I fell in love with him when no one else saw him, when he was literally invisible, when I felt invisible. After I saw Ray naked, and sex between us didn't work out well, I was very happy that he wanted to share me.

I fell in love with Ray because he made me feel needed, with the help of other men. And Ray made me feel desirable, with the help of other men. Ray loves me no matter what. He has never put me down. He has never said no to me. He has provided well for me. We live in a 5200 square foot house, we have a billiard room, a hot tub room, a full library, a music room with Guitars and drums and amplifiers. We have 6 bedrroms. Ray and I have a pretty good life.

A lot of people think that Ray is an Alpha because he makes insane money, but that is the only thing Alpha about him. Ray is bi, and when Ray is around other women, he turns into Jello. And all of our neighbors see the men who come to our house. I have been asked by several female neighbors if we swing, and I have told then that I do, and Ray likes to watch. We have had female neighbors over to use our hot tub, and many of our female neighbors have told Ray that his penis is the smallest they have ever seen on a man.

Ray is used to women not being impressed with him, physically. Ray is 5'9" tall and weighs 200 pounds. He has a belly, which makes his penis look even smaller than it is. He does have sex with his ex, on ocassion. She has told me that she has never been able to feel him, but she likes the closeness , like I do.

In response to "And I know that Ray is probably aware of your posts where you indicated that you wished he was more like your new boyfriend, and maybe Ray just wanted to please you by granting that wish. But as you think about it, you may decide that on a deeper level you do like Ray to just be himself even if it is quite girly. That might help explain why you didn't feel comfortable kissing him deeply." I know that Ray will never be masculine. And yes, Ray knows of all my posts.

I do often find it hard to see Ray as a man, especially compared to all the other men I get with. Ray is more like a girlfriend to me, not a MAN. And that is okay, too. My biggest fear with Ray is him leaving me, either by choice or by death, and me ending up with all the bills. That would be more than I could handle. and I have shared this fear with Ray. Ray assures me that I have nothing to worry about. Yet, I have that fear every day.
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Old 10-06-2014, 07:25 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Well, you have every right to worry about it. None of us knows when the Reaper will come to call. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Even if someone isn't suicidal, that doesn't mean there aren't lethal dangers out there. Including cancer and stuff like that.

In spite of the dysfunctions, the impression I get is that Ray is happy with you overall. I admit I am guessing and perhaps he could post and confirm his side of the story, but I tend to agree with Ray, that you don't need to worry about him leaving or doing himself. Of course I do also think it's important for the two of you to keep seeing your therapist. Honestly I think you have a good marriage, but that doesn't mean it couldn't be better. I think you and Ray could both benefit from learning some new communication skills (just for one thing).

So he is a good provider and in his own way, he even provides good sex for you, mostly through the attentions of other men. It's an unusual arrangement but it works for you and makes both of you happy. He just happens to be a girly man with a tiny little penis, but that doesn't stop him from being a good man.

I am of course following your other two threads as well, and it sounds like Ray has a deep-seated aversion to his own direct sexual experiences. He doesn't know how to make it flow naturally because it doesn't feel natural to him. I blame his ex for a lot of that, but I also think the bullying (e.g. sexual bullying) he endured as a kid kind of laid the foundation for the warped psyche his ex would build on him in later years. This is quite a complicated problem and I think you guys's therapist has her work cut out for her if she is going to try to help him (as I hope she will) change his mindset.

I think what you want to do is emphasize the positive, while suggesting changes as goals both you and Ray can strive for. Kind of a, "You're doing great; let's do even better," type of a way of looking at things and communicating about them.

I look forward to your continuing posts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 10-07-2014, 01:07 AM
DebbieandRay DebbieandRay is offline
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When I have told Ray about my fear of losing him, I have told him that I could live on my own, because I have done that. It is the fear of all the bills consuming me that scares me the most. I told Ray that if ever left me by choice or other wise, I would have sex with other men, but I wouldn't have another relationship. I don't think my heart could take that.

You said, "In spite of the dysfunctions, the impression I get is that Ray is happy with you overall." Ray says that he is very happy with me. Ray has told me that we both have a lot to learn about each other. And I agree.

In response to, "it sounds like Ray has a deep-seated aversion to his own direct sexual experiences." I do agree. Ray is much more a voyeur than a sexual participant type.

In response to, "He doesn't know how to make it flow naturally because it doesn't feel natural to him. I blame his ex for a lot of that, but I also think the bullying (e.g. sexual bullying) he endured as a kid kind of laid the foundation for the warped psyche his ex would build on him in later years."

The thing is that Ray has been bi his whole life. I recently told Ray that I have a feeling he is more gay than bi. I told Ray that I think that he likes to see me have sex with other men, because he wants to see the other men's cocks. Ray admitted that that is a definite bonus.

Ray has an extensive phallic collection that he has collected since he was a kid. Ray even has a couple of very large cock shaped drinking cups that he carries with him when we go out. He has been infatuated with men's cocks since he was young. I think that is why Ray doesn't find sex with a woman as natural.

The only time I have been jealous of Ray was when he and this lover who showed up once liked each other, sexually. I saw myself losing Ray to this man, and that scared me. I told Ray of my fear and he chose to never see that man again, and he hasn't. Ray has not been with another man, other than orally with Roy a few times.

I know it's wrong of me to fear losing him to another man, but I also know that it could easily happen.

I agree that Ray's ex had a lot to do with how Ray is today, but I also found out from Ray's ex and his mom that while Ray and his ex were together, that Ray went to an adult arcade pretty regularly, and he would be gone for hours. Ray's ex admits that she had some to do with how Ray is, but she also said that the night they met, it was right after Ray had sucked off a guy that she had wanted to date but never had.

Last edited by DebbieandRay; 10-07-2014 at 04:15 AM.
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