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Old 01-30-2012, 02:38 AM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
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Default So new to this!!!

Hi, I am a 47 yr old female from Texas. I have become involved a bit unwittingly with a man who has polyamorous relationships with more than a few others. He did not tell me when we first started dating about his poly relationships. I only found out after I was already in love with him. I joined this forum in the hopes that some of you sharing the same things and feelings might help me learn how this is done. This is a bit difficult because there are 7 of us.....I work alot and so I don't complain too much about lack of time. He is wonderful to me and I know that he really loves me. The things I seem to have the most trouble with are the lack of access. How do you do that? There are times when I want and need him so much but, because he is with one of the "others" , it's not possible. How do you find other ways to deal with that? Some of the others tend to cause trouble because of jealousy. I don't really have issues with jealousy, I am however insecure at times. Mostly when I have to hear him tell the others that he loves them as well. It stings. More recently, he told me that we should go on a cruise for valentines. Great! That was until he suggested we take one of the others with us. I reluctantly agreed. I really wanted the time for us to bond more but, I guess I need to figure out how to make this one work!!! Any ideas are welcome. I really want to stay with him. I love and adore him so much.
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Old 01-30-2012, 03:39 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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A large part of "making it work" is asking for what you want and for what you need.

I'm a little troubled that he didn't disclose his polyamory early on, but instead let you discover it for yourself.

As for insecurity, that is something you'll need to work on, and conquering it involves seeing yourself as a deserving, good person in your own right, independently of your relationships with anyone else.

As an aside, clinging to a relationship is not healthy behavior (and I ought to know!). If it's meant to end, it's meant to end. It doesn't mean you're an unworthy individual; it just means that the relationship has changed or run its course. If you can be good with that notion, then you needn't fear losing your new man (or anyone else). A big part of that is what I wrote above--seeing yourself as good and deserving in your own right, not needing anyone else, but being with someone because you want to be (confident women are sexy, btw).
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Old 01-30-2012, 03:52 AM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
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Thanks so much. It is really nice to find this forum. Before, I felt like I would never find anyone who understood some of the feelings I was having. I almost dumped him when I found out about the others in the relationship, not because of the type of relationship but beccause he omitted this fact and I felt like he had lied to me. I have nothing whatsoever against a polyamorous lifestyle, just wish I would have known before I became attached. Now, i love him and want very much for this to be good for both of us. He is very good to me and so supportive. I need help with the day to day issues that come up. I am momgamous with him. Partly because I have limited time, and I have no desire for anyone else. I am thrilled to find this forum and welcome any help or advice I can get.
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:01 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dolphindream View Post
Thanks so much. It is really nice to find this forum. Before, I felt like I would never find anyone who understood some of the feelings I was having. I almost dumped him when I found out about the others in the relationship, not because of the type of relationship but beccause he omitted this fact and I felt like he had lied to me.
Well, he did. A lie of omission is still a lie. He may have been afraid of scaring you off (it happens often), but he still should have told you, at least by the 2nd or 3rd date.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dolphindream
I have nothing whatsoever against a polyamorous lifestyle, just wish I would have known before I became attached. Now, i love him and want very much for this to be good for both of us. He is very good to me and so supportive. I need help with the day to day issues that come up. I am momgamous with him. Partly because I have limited time, and I have no desire for anyone else. I am thrilled to find this forum and welcome any help or advice I can get.
Whereabouts are you? There's an active poly community in Austin, and I don't doubt the same is true of DFW and Houston. Even if you don't get romantically attached with anyone else, it can be helpful to have some friends in "meatspace" who understand poly and won't do the "oh you poor thing, you should dump him" routine on you.

MT
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:08 AM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
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You are so right about the " you should dump him" bunch. I have had enough of that. I am in Galveston and he lives in Houston. This forum is already feeling like I have friends in the "same boat". Nice to communicate with people who understand what I am dealing with!

LK
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:17 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Welcome to the forum!! There are lots of honest people here who are willing to share!! Polyamory is based on honesty. I always disclose I am polyamous from the very beginning. To me, it doesn't seem to be very thoughtful to wait until someone is getting attached or falling in love before telling them. Just wondering how long you have known him. It might help us to understand if we have a better idea of how long the "falling in love" process took for you!
And welcome again!!
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:51 AM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
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Not long! Almost immediately I felt very strongly about him. We are very much alike and we are very comfortable around each other. I met him only 8 months ago. I don't as a rule open up to someone that easily but it hit me rather suddenly which has made all of this process much more confusing. I have to make sure that I am not being mislead by feelings and actually thinking things thru realistically.
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:52 AM
dolphindream dolphindream is offline
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i really want to thank all of you for being so open and helpful. I was feeling pretty isolated until I stumbled onto this forum!!!
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  #9  
Old 01-30-2012, 06:42 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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It might just be that this scenario doesn't work for you. If you aren't getting enough time and require more bonding then maybe you need another partner, or need to find someone that isn't as busy and keep him in your life as a really good friend or intimate friend (FWB). Here is a link to a thread about how many is enough when it comes to partners. On average it seems that in order to even get a word in edge wise three to four is plenty... or less.

Most seem to do fine with two partners before coming apart at the seams due to lack of alone time to take care of oneself. This man would rarely have time for himself. I would hate to think if there were any major issues that come up. The whole balancing plate would tumble no? All those partners with needs and expressing them... ahhhh... overwhelming.

This is worrisome to me. I have three partners, four until recently, and I struggled with looking after my primary, myself. I still see that as my number one struggle. After several years of having many partners its easy to reach burn out. I would be very careful of that. Especially as he is asking you to share date time in order to kill two birds with one stone. hmmmm, not good... smells of burn out to me (having been there)

I would wonder why he needs so many partners and what "partner" means to him. Usually a persons needs are met with far less. Did he actually seek you out? Was he looking to date more? Is it a fetish of his to collect partners?
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Old 01-30-2012, 11:30 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I do want to ask - are you OK with another of his partners going on a Valentines cruise with you or just agreeing because you want to be easy going? Is it an overnight trip, will you be sharing a room with him and his other partner? Either way, how will be be splitting his time with you and his other gf during the evening, and is that discussed up front? If it's not overnight, who is he going home with, and how will it feel if it's not you?

This doesn't sound like it started off very idealy, so I think some upfront communication is pretty important. Figure out ahead of time your limits for respect and time, because it seems like there's a chance your boundaries might be abused because he was not upfront ahead of time, and no matter how wonderful a person is there is still a duty to yourself to put your own wants and needs first. I hate to say he might be pretty self centered. And I take that from the 7 relationships and neglecting disclosure early on in your relationship.
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