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  #11  
Old 01-30-2012, 10:47 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrystalLiving View Post
Thanks for that. I am stuffing and hiding my feelings and I think it is killing me slowly.

Whether it's monogamy or polyamory, this shouldn't be acceptable in any relationship. You need to be honest about your feelings, and true to yourself. Never let somebody slowly contribute to your demise by deciding you need their freedom of adventure to be more important than your mental health.

I'd probably start early by setting a schedule, x nights date night for you, x nights you're ok with your partner being out of the house or on dates, without too much stress. Expand your giving in this department as you feel comfortable with it, don't feel like you can't say no if you want to say no. I don't think I'd ever be OK with more than 2 nights a week with my spouse being at another partners overnight, and if it was something he really wanted we would discuss it, but I wouldn't automatically feel obliged to offer that without a lot of discussion and deciding where my comfort level was.

To avoid too much roller coaster early on, it really just requires for us, a lot of discussion, awareness, and honesty. I admit in this, I've never been confronted with us, or any partner of mine or my spouses having too severe of NRE so if your husband is going to be dealing with that, my advice will certainly be less useful if he doesn't see how his actions are affecting you.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 01-30-2012 at 07:11 PM.
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  #12  
Old 01-30-2012, 09:22 PM
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Go to the search engine on the tool bar above and press "tag." A tag cloud should come up with "time management" being one of the tags, or type in "time management" into the tag search engine beneath the tag cloud.
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  #13  
Old 02-21-2012, 04:03 PM
bailey bailey is offline
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wrote long post and then board signed me out...it didnt post... darn..testing to see if this works before i post again...
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  #14  
Old 02-21-2012, 04:09 PM
bailey bailey is offline
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Hello all...

its been a month since I last posted...

we have come a long way since... its really interesting how natural Polyamory feels for us. Yet there are times when its stressful and emotional and still figuring things out.

I been mainly lurking and reading your blogs and posts which I really enjoy! Thanks for sharing and helping many of newbies that stumbled across this new term and new relationship identification, new journey in our life.

I have many questions....

1) How do you manage long distance relationships?

2) How do you manage family time vs time with multiple partners?

3) Time alone (esp for those in Poly relationship) and yet to still be there for the Mono Partners.

4) Dating as couples or as group dates? plan for future lots of group dates. I asked girlfriend if she wouldnt rather be going on couple dates with hubby. she rather as group. perhaps she still needs time to adjust? I am fine both as group and as couple. hubby rather as group then he doesnt get worn out having to go on many dates. and doesnt have to reach in pocket book too deep hee.

...

(I wrote a longer post but will have to write more later). running out of time... perhaps it will post later.
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  #15  
Old 02-22-2012, 12:02 AM
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If you do a search, you will find other threads that have useful information on these questions. There are tags for "time management," "LDR," "long distance," "groups," "money," "dating dynamics," and "married dating," for example, as a start.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-22-2012 at 12:05 AM.
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  #16  
Old 02-22-2012, 03:52 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Has your husband done any research of his owe on this site or others?

The topics you listed seem like those to educate the poly partner.

I suggest figuring out what you want in each category (every category) and start negotiating from there ..NOT....from whats offered to you ...here learn how to deal.


Adding partners or activities to ones life usually causes time management issues. Time is finite and it gets cut from somewhere...sometime one activity replaces another or sometimes everything or everyone takes a hit across the board.
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  #17  
Old 02-22-2012, 07:51 PM
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Yes, sounds like you and your husband could benefit from getting a couple of the books recommended in the "Books and Websites" sticky post at the top of this forum.

Those will answer most of your questions and give you what you need to be discussing much more quickly and completely. There will still be lots of things to figure out after that, but at least then you have a better foundation.
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  #18  
Old 02-23-2012, 07:19 PM
Claviger Claviger is offline
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I'm in a poly relationship with my wife of 16 years. I'm basically mono, free to date but not terribly interested, whereas she has a steady girlfriend (a very nice lady with experience in alternative relationships and poly in particular). They've been together about six months. Before that, our relationship was open with my wife having several casual partners.

My wife visits with g-f a couple of times a week for a couple of hours. G-f comes over and has dinner with us and our kids a couple of evenings as well. The kids love her, and she's very nice, well-adjusted, supportive of our marriage and my predicament.

The problem is, though I understand all the positive benefits to the family and get that my wife loves me, I continue to experience powerful depressive crashes based on fear of the marriage ending or me not being the primary. In bringing my deeply buried insecurities to the forefront, it's also highlighted numerous ways in which I become communication-challenged when under emotional stress. I feel as though virtually every time I open my mouth, I cause more of a train-wreck. I'm not abusive, but I'm depressed, hesitant to ask for what I really want, and not good at picking the right time to talk. My concern now is that I'm going to wreck things completely before I get a handle on this.

I also feel the time management element. It's not that four hours a week is a ton of time, but I would love to have two two-hour blocs of time with my wife every week where there are no distractions and we're completely focused on each other.
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  #19  
Old 02-24-2012, 06:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Claviger View Post
I would love to have two two-hour blocs of time with my wife every week where there are no distractions and we're completely focused on each other.
Tell her this!

Speak up for what YOU need to avoid the emotional crashes. I used to complain constantly that my husband was never home, he was too busy, I never saw him, etc. All he heard was Blah, Blah, Blah. His solution was to be "home" more but totally engrossed in the computer or on the phone, which left me feeling even more alone. I finally just said "I need quality time with you or I start to feel disconnected. Schedule some time for just us, even if it's just a drive down to the beach at 9pm". It was like a light bulb finally went off and he got it.

Check out information on "non-violent communication"
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  #20  
Old 02-24-2012, 06:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Claviger View Post
I'm in a poly relationship with my wife of 16 years. I'm basically mono, free to date but not terribly interested, whereas she has a steady girlfriend...

I also feel the time management element. It's not that four hours a week is a ton of time, but I would love to have two two-hour blocs of time with my wife every week where there are no distractions and we're completely focused on each other.
Well, I hope that your wife is also dating you as well as her gf! It seems that that is what married couples often forget to do when one or both of them has additional partners - date each other.

It doesn't matter if a relationship is poly or mono, if all the time spent together for a married couple is about housework, bills, and family stuff without regular, romantic, sexy times, the relationship will eventually feel stale and lackluster. We've seen that this gets magnified when a marriage (or any relationship where people cohabit) is opened up, because the new gf or bf doesn't have all those shared responsibilities that a partner or spouse has, so they get all the fun and the spouse gets all the chores. Quality time with your partner is very important. Make sure you negotiate for the time you need with your wife, schedule regular date nights every week, and romance her!
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