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  #1  
Old 01-29-2012, 02:19 AM
Susan Susan is offline
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Default Two want poly, how to ask the third.

Hey everyone! I've gained so much from reading this forum but I haven't been able to find anything like my situation.

How do you take two male/female relationships and merge them successfully into a FFM Poly romantic relationship?

My best friend and I have finally come to terms with what our relationship is after about 8 months of admitting there was nothing there. I'm just out of a 12 year marriage, he's been hurt by a few bad relationships. We said we were FWB's but it was obvious to all friends that we were more.

A couple of months ago he started hanging out with a new girl, it wasn't serious at first but they have developed feelings for each other. I was hurt when he would spend time with her and not me and we've had some pretty good arguments about it. After the last one I decided that I couldn't so this anymore but I didn't want to lose him, since my feelings for him were deeper than I thought. Looking for some kind of an answer I found Polyamory. Everything I have read is exactly what I'm looking for, I can love him and he can love me, and it's possible for each of us to love someone else.

He and I had a talk about all of this, I showed everything that I had found and he says this is what he wants with me and her, he loves us both. I know the love he has for me is different than what he has for her, but that doesn't mean it's stronger or better and he knows that I love him but it is possible for me to love someone else.

So here's where we need help. How does he explain this to her? Since none of us are Poly now, what can we do to merge all of us? I know that she and I may never best friends or we could be more than that. But now he has to convince a girl who is intimidated and threatened by me because of our history to share him with me, and the possibility of another woman at some point.

On my part, I have no problems with him having a relationship with her. When we talked about this we opened up to each other like never before. I have never felt more connected to him since I now know the dynamics of our relationship and what we both want. (Also that night we had the best ex we've ever had, I believe because a lot of walls between us came down) I was extremely jealous of him spending time with her but I'm not now. He's spending the night with her and it doesn't bother me, I'm at peace with it all now.

He may or may not be talking with her about all this right now, we both agree that this is something that she can't be rushed into and the time for this conversation has to be right. She has told him that she will do whatever it takes to be with him. Am I wrong in thinking that is the WRONG reason to try us being Poly? I want her to want this because she wants it, not to hold onto him or because it's what we want. He told me that if she does not want this then they can't be together anymore. we talked and if that happens and it ends up being just us we won't be monogamous, we will be aloud to explore the possibility of other romantic relationships outside of ours.

I guess I'm just looking for the beat way for him to start this dialogue with her and if she says yes, what is the best way for three newbies to begin this? I know there will be rules that will need to be set in place adn that she and I will have to meet (which I'm looking forward to, and I hope that we can at least be friends). And how do the dynamics of this work when there doesn't seem to be a real primary and secondary?


Sorry for being so long winded, any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 01-29-2012, 03:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Susan View Post
But now he has to convince a girl who is intimidated and threatened by me because of our history to share him with me, and the possibility of another woman at some point.
Um, seriously, no he doesn't. If she doesn't want to be in a poly relationship, she doesn't have to be. All he can do is tell her what he wants and leave it to her to make her own choice. Trying to convince her would be very disrespectful.
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Old 01-29-2012, 04:16 AM
Susan Susan is offline
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I apologize, I reread it and that was the wrong term to use.

Lets try this: what is the best way for him to introduce the idea of a Poly relationship with him to her? And that he will be shared with her and I.
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Old 01-29-2012, 04:18 AM
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Well, there are so many threads about this. Maybe reading what others have discussed already would be helpful. You could do a tag search for "opening a relationship."
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 01-29-2012, 02:50 PM
Susan Susan is offline
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Thank you nycindie. I had been searching but being new to all this the terminology is still new to me.

And I hope using the wrong word in my original post didn't offend anyone here. If so I apologize.
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Old 01-30-2012, 05:59 AM
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You could also try the tag of "vee" and "triad."

It sounds like you want a triad. Is that right? Or are you going to be fine with a vee?

Regardless, there is no indication in your post that she knows about you. Does she? Or is he lieing to her? That would be the first place to start; coming clean with her.

It sounds like this could work if she already knows about you. I think if I were you I would work out some boundaries around time spent with you and with her and meet her so that you have some kind of working metamour relationship right off the bat. Then I would just leave it and see where you all go with it. There is no reason to make it complicated. If something comes up, address it, if not, then happy dating for all of you.

He might want to get together some good links and info before addressing this with her. Tell him to be sure to send her here.
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Old 01-30-2012, 07:52 PM
Susan Susan is offline
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She didn't stay long and we left for my place not long after. She was texting him and I asked him what was going on, to tell me if he wanted to. He said the text said "busted" and we're over" kind of stuff. She kept texting and I asked if he would wait to respond, only because this was our time together and there had been times when I was upset that he was with her and text him and he would not respond. In my eyes I was trying to be fair.

Everything was fine until we went to bed, I tried to initiate sex and he didn't want to (which never happens). I told him I could tell that he was upset and asked him to talk to me. Long story short, He didn't want it to be over with her and he was texting her to try and work things out. I said if he had told me that i wouldnt have minded if he kept texting her, if he wants to work things out with her that's what I want. I told him there was part of me that was worried she would say her or me and a small part of me, still being new to this, is afraid he will pick her and she will say he can't see me anymore. He said that's why i don't think you can handle this. I told him that I can, that there are going to be things that come up that we are going to have to work out. Anyone new that would come in would know about me in the beginning and same with anyone I may see. She (and neither did we) have any idea about that when he started seeing her.

When he left this morning he said that nothing has changed with us and I have to have faith that that is true. They work together so I have no idea what's going to happen today. I just have to have faith that in him and that this will all work out for the best.
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  #8  
Old 01-31-2012, 05:31 PM
Susan Susan is offline
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Just realized that was half of what I meant to post.

Update: He was able to talk to her and she's willing to her and she's willing to give this a try. I know I feel a lot better about things and so does he. None of s know of this will work out but at least we're trying.

I'm so glad I fund this forum!
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