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  #21  
Old 01-27-2012, 01:23 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Originally Posted by Phy View Post
To stick to the facts: I don't see the 'problem' being located with NewGuy alone. He said, he 'offered' to set her free and she didn't want that and stayed on his terms being set as basic rules. She accepted them, therefore I don't think that he is to blame for stating what he feels comfortable with or not, if she communicated that she would be fine with it.

We have talked about the whole mess you two are in already, NewGuy, I understand that you feel offended by many of the opinions voiced here, but please note that most are arguing based on concepts of equality for all. Those voices aren't purely female and they are not picking on you because of you being male and doing this. Anyone doing something this unbalanced to a partner would have received this answers.

Thanks Phy...
I needed that.
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  #22  
Old 01-27-2012, 07:34 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Default Today's thoughts

JUST MY THOUGHTS

Boundaries....every poly relationship has boundaries. I have read a lot of stories, posts, and blogs on this site and others, were some poly relationship boundaries are broken by someone in the relationship.

My boundary...No longterm, intimate, sexual relationship with any man. Friendships are cool with anyone, dates cool, hanging out cool, but no sex. (men only)

Her boundaries:
1) No anal play with another woman at all (even if she wants it)
2) No hurting their feelings, if it's just sex she has to know
3) No fingers in strippers at the club
4) No sleeping with strippers
5) I (PK) want to meet the woman(s) that you have sex with

What PK really wants (for me) is that I have a steady girlfriend, that I will eventually fall in love with (even if she can't have another man).

My thoughts, I can't intimately and sexually love two (or more) women at the same time. My fear is if I give her what she want, then my love for her will deminish. I know (now) that there are folks that can do this...I am not one of them.

I don't want to have sex with other women...because I feel that it is unfair to PK. This is something that I told her a while ago before I ever knew about her Poly feelings. Now that I do know, and moved past the 'manipulation' feelings, I want sex with other women...I think that I (on some unknown level) feel the need to be with another to start the healing from the (pontetial) lose of PK.

I can't wait until she gets back from this deployment...I'll see her next month when I visit her but she won't be back until April.

THOUGHTS ENDED
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  #23  
Old 01-28-2012, 10:20 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Default Thinking about my Visit to see PK

MY Thoughts
I'm going to see PK next month...EXCITED!!!!!

First visit since our open communication started...EXCITED!!!!

First visit since I found out about Poly.....Scared...

Ok...so I don't think it will be any different...not really worried but the thought did cross my mind if it may be awkard....

Anyway, I hope we will have the same fun as last time...lot of cuddling, hand holding, quality time. and a hell of a lot of sex!!!!

We went snorkling...then sex on the boat...skinny dipping...(I know some of you may think 'no big deal' but all of this was on a US military base...so excitingly illegal...


I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

MY Thoughts over....
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  #24  
Old 01-29-2012, 01:42 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Here's the thing, no one is wrong for how they feel. Feelings are allowed! No poly person is going to tell you you are wrong for how you feel. Poly people are not trying to tell you that you HAVE to be poly or you HAVE to have any kind of relationship. The point is, it's up to you what kind of relationship you want.

A lot of people here have a lot more experience with all kinds of relationships. You know what they say, "Good decisions come from experience, experience comes from bad decisions." So yeah, advice is offered in hopes other people don't have to gain the sometimes hard and heart breaking experience!

I've read, almost all the posts in all the threads, yours and PKs. Some opinions I keep to myself because, well honestly there are a lot of things people here believe or do that I personally would not or would not want. I don't care, if it works for them, then awesome, it's just not me. Other things, well they honestly upset me a lot. Here's some of the things I got from all your posts.

1. PK doesn't REALLY like women. At most she said 2% and there's actually been discussion on being afraid of vaginas. As a pansexual/bi woman, that offends me to no end! She's said she will try being with a woman because that is what you would be comfortable with. That's utter BS. Not because of what you want, but because SHE would do that. If it was me PK was trying to date and I found out HALF of that I'd be pissed, and feel used. She should NOT be dating women if she's afraid of vagina and only doing it because then she can date SOMEONE.

2. You don't want to be in a relationship with a woman who is dating other men. Fine. Dandy. Don't be. I'm terribly sorry to break this to you but just because you love someone doesn't mean you HAVE to have a relationship with them. It doesn't even mean you SHOULD! It hurts, yeah, I've loved people that together we were just not good for each other. Love doesn't end, but relationships sometimes have to. You want to make compromises for each other, that is AWESOME! It doesn't mean it will work. Compromising on having a sex buddy and only when you can't have who you want is, degrading. To everyone.
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  #25  
Old 01-29-2012, 02:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
1. PK doesn't REALLY like women. At most she said 2% and there's actually been discussion on being afraid of vaginas. As a pansexual/bi woman, that offends me to no end! She's said she will try being with a woman because that is what you would be comfortable with. That's utter BS. Not because of what you want, but because SHE would do that. If it was me PK was trying to date and I found out HALF of that I'd be pissed, and feel used. She should NOT be dating women if she's afraid of vagina and only doing it because then she can date SOMEONE.

2. You don't want to be in a relationship with a woman who is dating other men. Fine. Dandy. Don't be. I'm terribly sorry to break this to you but just because you love someone doesn't mean you HAVE to have a relationship with them. It doesn't even mean you SHOULD! It hurts, yeah, I've loved people that together we were just not good for each other. Love doesn't end, but relationships sometimes have to. You want to make compromises for each other, that is AWESOME! It doesn't mean it will work. Compromising on having a sex buddy and only when you can't have who you want is, degrading. To everyone.
I second every bit of this.
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  #26  
Old 01-29-2012, 04:51 AM
newguy newguy is offline
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Default Thanks?

Vixtoria,

Thanks for sharing your opinion.


Arrowbound,

Thanks for co-signing Vixtoria's opinion.

I have considered what you said and I can tell you that I told (informed) PK that I DIDN'T want her to be with a woman for me...In fact, I have been asking her to leave me because I don't think my feelings will ever change. I love her to much to leave her so I can't be the one to 'break it off'...I'm hers until she finds another...

Now, when you say, "Compromising on having a sex buddy and only when you can't have who you want is, degrading." Not sure if that ws for me or PK...if it was for me, I'm lost of the degrading part....I was not in a relationship, (before) and had sex buddies...they knew that it wasn't going anywhere else...they liked that fact as much as I did....are you saying that just sex between two people if they both agree that it's just sex and nothing more is degrading?....

Please don't think that I'm twisting your words...just trying to get a better understanding...
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  #27  
Old 01-29-2012, 05:11 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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No, she's saying that basically the compromising part is degrading. That if you want a loving relationship/partnership but give in and agree instead to a sex buddy just because that's all that's being offered, it is degrading to oneself and as well as to the other person. It would be letting yourself be used for sex when it's not what you really want. If both people really want it, that's cool.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #28  
Old 01-29-2012, 05:22 AM
newguy newguy is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
No, she's saying that basically the compromising part is degrading. That if you want a loving relationship/partnership but give in and agree instead to a sex buddy just because that's all that's being offered, it is degrading to oneself and as well as to the other person. It would be letting yourself be used for sex when it's not what you really want. If both people really want it, that's cool.
Ok...degrading to PK...

Let me say this, PK would never use anyone (male or female) as a sex buddy...yes, she is trying to see if she could have an intimate relationship with a woman...will it lead to sex? I don't know...will the relationship even develop? Again, I don't know...will she have sex with anyone for the sake of sex, NO...

So there is no chance of PK having a sex buddy...if anything, she would be the one on that sex buddy side of any relationship.

Thanks for responding and clarifying....
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  #29  
Old 01-29-2012, 05:30 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
Ok...degrading to PK...
And degrading to the other person she'd be a "fuck buddy' with. You have to think about the other person, too. It's not just about you and PK when there's another person.

That was another major point of Vixtoria's post. From the point of view of the woman PK would get involved with, if PK really wanted a relationship with a man but got involved with a woman just because she wasn't "allowed" to have a man, that woman would feel used and unimportant. No one wants to be second choice.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 01-29-2012 at 05:32 AM.
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  #30  
Old 01-29-2012, 05:36 AM
newguy newguy is offline
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Default All read please

HELLO ALL....

I asking you all to please don't critize PK on this thread...I have asked her not to respond or post because these are my thoughts adn I didn't want her defending me or trying to explain to you guys what I meant....so, because she chose to honor my reqeust, I don't feel it fair for her to be critized without her being able to respond...

I know that you may feel differently and want to express your feeling and if you feel the need to critize PK, please use one of our other threads....

Now as for me...have at it...critize all you want...her or on other threads.

Thanks in advance for your consideration in this matter.

WR,

Newguy
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